The struggle still continues....healing is slow

I just wanted to update everyone on how things are going.  I am still firmly AP...but I am better able to speak to my thoughts, behaviors and actions in a gentle caring way.  I still miss B, all the time...and I bounce between being ok with whatever happens to feeling completely codependent and making his absence "personal".  My brain still searches occationally for the "one moment" I could have been "different" and thus he would have stayed...but now I don't fight these thoughts...I don't get mad at myself for having them still after almost 2 years of being broken up.  Instead, I feel incredibly sad for the little girl part who felt overly responsible for her relationship with her parents.  So much for such a little girl to have to bear...and I mourn with her that even with feeling overly responsible and trying her best to be what her parents wanted her to be...it wasn't enough and she was left feeling defective, unloved and unwanted.   That is what I am trying to do with every moment of yearning for B...I am trying to take it back to the source.

i want to thank all of you again for being such guideposts along my journey...I have learned so much about myself in the process of reading posts here on these boards.  I am extremely grateful for those of you who have reached out to provide guidance or hugs or just a space where I can be real and raw.....the journey continues.