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Post by kathy94 on Dec 17, 2018 22:40:59 GMT
I’ve been posting all over this website and just thought it’d be easier to put it all on one thread. To catch up you can ready my threads by Kathy or Kathy94. They’re under support for FA, FA and General. I guess my biggest question is why is he blanttaly ignoring me? He has done this before but this time around is the most blatant and longest. What makes this one different? Do FAs almost in a get “warmed up” to you where they know they can ignore you even longer? Etc. Like I guess know they can get away with it now.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 18, 2018 3:26:55 GMT
I’ve been posting all over this website and just thought it’d be easier to put it all on one thread. To catch up you can ready my threads by Kathy or Kathy94. They’re under support for FA, FA and General. I guess my biggest question is why is he blanttaly ignoring me? He has done this before but this time around is the most blatant and longest. What makes this one different? Do FAs almost in a get “warmed up” to you where they know they can ignore you even longer? Etc. Like I guess know they can get away with it now. Hey Kathy....I don't think anyone can tell you whether he is truly ignoring you and why because we are not him. I know you are in a lot of pain and I know you want him back in your life...but right now, that is out of your hands. I would really advise not trying to mind read his lack of communication to mean anything other than he isn't contacting you. Honestly, this line of questioning is only going to keep you fixated on him instead of working on yourself. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 18, 2018 6:03:12 GMT
I’ve been posting all over this website and just thought it’d be easier to put it all on one thread. To catch up you can ready my threads by Kathy or Kathy94. They’re under support for FA, FA and General. I guess my biggest question is why is he blanttaly ignoring me? He has done this before but this time around is the most blatant and longest. What makes this one different? Do FAs almost in a get “warmed up” to you where they know they can ignore you even longer? Etc. Like I guess know they can get away with it now. Hey Kathy....I don't think anyone can tell you whether he is truly ignoring you and why because we are not him. I know you are in a lot of pain and I know you want him back in your life...but right now, that is out of your hands. I would really afpdvise not trying to min read his laxpck of communication to mean anything other than he isn't contacting you. Honestly, this line of questioning is only going to keep you fixated on him instead of working on yourself. I wonder if he’s even an FA? maybe he was just using me this whole time? I’m sorry I sound obsessive. I know you wouldn’t know for sure, but do you think he’s an FA or he has been using me? |
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lilos
Full Member
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Post by lilos on Dec 18, 2018 6:30:48 GMT
Hey Kathy....I don't think anyone can tell you whether he is truly ignoring you and why because we are not him. I know you are in a lot of pain and I know you want him back in your life...but right now, that is out of your hands. I would really afpdvise not trying to min read his laxpck of communication to mean anything other than he isn't contacting you. Honestly, this line of questioning is only going to keep you fixated on him instead of working on yourself. I wonder if he’s even an FA? maybe he was just using me this whole time? I’m sorry I sound obsessive. I know you wouldn’t know for sure, but do you think he’s an FA or he has been using me? I told myself for 18 years my ex just used me. I made up a lot of stories about that. I hated him for doing it, I hated myself for allowing it. I told myself he has no feelings for me- he certainly didn’t show it. It seemed so easy for him to leave. Imagine my shock when I learned so many years later that I hurt him and that is the reason he left me. Not because he didn’t want me, or have feelings for me or because I annoyed him as i so often have told myself. Because I hurt him and the only way to make that stop for him was to go. I can’t say if your guy is an FA. I can’t know if he’s using you. But in a relationship you should use your most generous assumptions until you know otherwise. Assume he has a good heart and that he wished both your needs could be met the same way but that isn’t always possible. He wants to be unattached. You want commitment. Those things can’t work together. |
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Post by kathy94 on Dec 18, 2018 6:40:56 GMT
I wonder if he’s even an FA? maybe he was just using me this whole time? I’m sorry I sound obsessive. I know you wouldn’t know for sure, but do you think he’s an FA or he has been using me? I told myself for 18 years my ex just used me. I made up a lot of stories about that. I hated him for doing it, I hated myself for allowing it. I told myself he has no feelings for me- he certainly didn’t show it. It seemed so easy for him to leave. Imagine my shock when I learned so many years later that I hurt him and that is the reason he left me. Not because he didn’t want me, or have feelings for me or because I annoyed him as i so often have told myself. Because I hurt him and the only way to make that stop for him was to go. I can’t say if your guy is an FA. I can’t know if he’s using you. But in a relationship you should use your most generous assumptions until you know otherwise. Assume he has a good heart and that he wished both your needs could be met the same way but that isn’t always possible. He wants to be unattached. You want commitment. Those things can’t work together. Wow that’s crazy. Do you mind telling me how he believes you hurt him? And it’s so hard bc friends and family who aren’t really knowledgeable about Attachment Theories just think he is an asshole who used me sexually. The thing is they never even met him. I can see how regardless, it appears FAs are just selfish users but if you really educate yourself you see that it’s not the case. I guess lately I keep wondering if I was just some girl he was hooking up with and was just telling me we were exclusive so I’d continue. Have you read my original thread about this? Could you give some insight? |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 18, 2018 7:53:11 GMT
I told myself for 18 years my ex just used me. I made up a lot of stories about that. I hated him for doing it, I hated myself for allowing it. I told myself he has no feelings for me- he certainly didn’t show it. It seemed so easy for him to leave. Imagine my shock when I learned so many years later that I hurt him and that is the reason he left me. Not because he didn’t want me, or have feelings for me or because I annoyed him as i so often have told myself. Because I hurt him and the only way to make that stop for him was to go. I can’t say if your guy is an FA. I can’t know if he’s using you. But in a relationship you should use your most generous assumptions until you know otherwise. Assume he has a good heart and that he wished both your needs could be met the same way but that isn’t always possible. He wants to be unattached. You want commitment. Those things can’t work together. Wow that’s crazy. Do you mind telling me how he believes you hurt him? And it’s so hard bc friends and family who aren’t really knowledgeable about Attachment Theories just think he is an asshole who used me sexually. The thing is they never even met him. I can see how regardless, it appears FAs are just selfish users but if you really educate yourself you see that it’s not the case. I guess lately I keep wondering if I was just some girl he was hooking up with and was just telling me we were exclusive so I’d continue. Have you read my original thread about this? Could you give some insight? I remember when I first came to these boards...I just wanted to understand which of the avoidant attachments B was so that I could try to make sense out of what happened and try to figure out my next steps. You are more than welcome to read back over my posts Kathy....I was right where you are...questioning what B was. Sometimes I think as an AP, we can cling too much to the concept of attachment theory as the sole answer we seek, when oftentimes, attachment is only part of the equation. Did he use you as your family and friends say? I don't think the answer is quite that black and white...but again, you are going down a rabbit hole of trying to figure him out. What about Kathy? Have you done any reading about your own attachment? Because regardless of what happens with him, you will always be with yourself. 🙂 |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 18, 2018 12:07:17 GMT
I know he hurt me because he said “you hurt me”. I asked him why and he couldn’t say- it was intense and I doubt he felt comfortable. Later I asked again why he left- he told me. The specifics of this I have chosen to leave out here because I feel like it’s private. It would be to him. The specifics don’t really add anything anyway- his beliefs may not be your FAs. In essence I broke his trust. An avoidant is looking for threats to themselves the same way an AP is. It’s just different threats, different validations of their insecurities. My protest behaviors lead him to tell stories about his value and worth the same way his distancing behaviors did me. It’s uncanny- when I read attached it was word for word out of the assumptions an avoidant would make. He didn’t admit these thoughts to me but he didn’t have to. I could be wrong but either way I can see how through the lens of an avoidant he would have seen those things in my behavior. while it was never my intent- i did things that through his eyes he would have interpreted a certain way. I do keep trying to help you see this- but you probably can’t right now. I have trouble with it myself in my own scenario sometimes so I get it. Yes, I let my ex DA down and hurt him but I also think he was holding me (or any romantic partner) to an unrealistic ideal of perfection. He often said he was not perfect- nor should he expect his partner to be. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 18, 2018 12:10:51 GMT
I told myself for 18 years my ex just used me. I made up a lot of stories about that. I hated him for doing it, I hated myself for allowing it. I told myself he has no feelings for me- he certainly didn’t show it. It seemed so easy for him to leave. Imagine my shock when I learned so many years later that I hurt him and that is the reason he left me. Not because he didn’t want me, or have feelings for me or because I annoyed him as i so often have told myself. Because I hurt him and the only way to make that stop for him was to go. I can’t say if your guy is an FA. I can’t know if he’s using you. But in a relationship you should use your most generous assumptions until you know otherwise. Assume he has a good heart and that he wished both your needs could be met the same way but that isn’t always possible. He wants to be unattached. You want commitment. Those things can’t work together. Wow that’s crazy. Do you mind telling me how he believes you hurt him? And it’s so hard bc friends and family who aren’t really knowledgeable about Attachment Theories just think he is an asshole who used me sexually. The thing is they never even met him. I can see how regardless, it appears FAs are just selfish users but if you really educate yourself you see that it’s not the case. I guess lately I keep wondering if I was just some girl he was hooking up with and was just telling me we were exclusive so I’d continue. Have you read my original thread about this? Could you give some insight? No, I don’t believe my ex DA was ever using me while we were together. I believe what he told me was genuine and he felt it at the time, whole heartedly. His words and actions aligned and he was “all in” as he said he would be. Problem came when he decided he wasn’t all in and I couldn’t let go and kept seeing him. I then felt used and never managed to break through his exterior. I had to give up trying. It hurts. Trying or not. |
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