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Post by ocarina on Dec 19, 2018 8:03:06 GMT
Some of the most difficult relationships to navigate are with partners who are great one minute then disappear for a bit o let to. Return / then it’s all good again. The partners who vacillate between wanting connection and distance. It’s a dance that really keeps you hooked and hoping.
The truth that’s recently occurred to me is that while I often felt stuck in this dynamic - on the edge of a great relationship but never quite there. In reality consistency is a choice that’s black and white - in the same way we maybe choose fidelity or kindness. It may not be an easy choice as our nervous system is activated by the comings and goings - but it is a decision we can make and under all this it’s pretty simple. I found this idea quite freeing - it helped me. To disengage with victim hood and mental chit chat.
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 20, 2018 0:39:19 GMT
What does it mean for you then to be consistent in relation to someone who vacillates more than you do? How do you "disengage with victimhood and mental chit chat"? I'm curious to hear more about how you do this exactly.
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Also I think on these boards sometimes people may sometimes expect more consistency than is reasonable. But it makes me think of the ocean and how there's a difference between floating up and down on a wave vs. jumping out of the water and then diving deep down. A reasonable thing to want is for someone who will float on the waves-- that is fairly consistent, though perhaps sometimes dipping a bit here or there in their connection or availability but without going under and totally vanishing. I bring up this metaphor because I think sometimes people on these boards are wanting total, complete and unwavering consistency, and humans are just too moody and complicated for that.
There's also a difference between someone being a little inconsistent in a fragile relationship and someone being a little inconsistent in one with a solid foundation/grounding.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 20, 2018 7:10:53 GMT
@leavethelighton - consistency for me is experienced on a global level. It’s the awareness that a partner holds the relationship in a space of value and behaves and talks in a way that doesn’t engender doubt and insecurity ( in a secure partner - and I get that this is somewhat subjective).
I almost all my relationships there’s been a felt sense that my partner has my back and will make considered choice along the way for the good of the relationship. That is what i mean by consistency rather than on a micro level ie always being positive, always phoning ten times a day or whatever. It’s a choice repeatedly made.
Stopping the victim hood and mental chatter - as someone who tends not to be anxious, it means stepping back and noticing as a dispassionate observer, how I feel and then making the active choice to work through and be with the emotions with curiosity and enquirer in order to become clear minded about what’s going on - try to take ownership of my own reactivity and making decisions from here rather than from a place of triggered emotional volatility.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 20, 2018 8:43:15 GMT
Hey Ocarina....I think it is so great that you were able to get to this space. Looking back (pre med) I don't think I could have stopped the chatter because to stop it requires access to logic...and logic was the farthest thing I had access to. I could certainly observe myself being emotionally irrationally, but could not get above it to look at options. Even now, my very first instinctual reaction is to make up stories and images that certainly "could" be true....but now I can be gentle with myself and hold those images without reacting as if they are true. Such a huge change for me.🙂 I know to individuals who are able to be more rational/logical and less emotional...the reactions of an anxious person look to be a choice to stay in a victim mode.....but I do not think it is. I think being anxious keeps us stuck in our emotional patterns and limited toolbox I'd responses. Just putting my experience out there.
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Post by ocarina on Dec 20, 2018 17:24:44 GMT
tnr9 I can understand that it's not a choice to be anxious and not a choice to feel victimised - I also understand the feeling of stuckness within an emotional whirlpool. I don't think those feelings are in any way a choice - minds are just thought producing machines and trying to fight against them tends to make things worse. What was helpful for me - and what I was trying to allude to in the first post, was the realisation that if something is important to me in a relationship I have a choice to accept it or not. Up to now, outside of physical abuse, or blatant unkindness I have always felt somewhat powerless - in that I can see the other person isn't doing anything purposefully hurtful and therefore have ended up kind of putting up with things and feeling a victim in the relationship with resentment growing. Because the person isn't obviously a bad person and is often behaving in a way that is unintentional or unconscious, I've ended up staying and accepting. I can now see that qualities such as inconsistency in behaviour from a partner, are things I choose to accept - and that bring pain and instability. I can also now choose not to accept that in just the same way as I wouldn't accept other more blatantly obvious poor treatment. Somehow it would be much easier to reject a partner who was obviously unkind but the end result is the same and therefore it's absolutely just as important to reject these kind of covert relationship destroyers even if the person involved is someone who we feel is a soul mate during the good times. It comes down to rejecting behaviours because they are damaging to me and or the relationship even if not overtly. Not sure if that makes sense - but for me who's been an expert at acceptance - stoically and at my own expense, it's quite a breakthrough!
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