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Post by faithopelove on Dec 19, 2018 23:54:25 GMT
My ex DA and I have been only casual for the past 12 months since our split and the relationship seems mostly sexual to me as he’s emotionally shut down and won’t trust. We see each other about twice a month at his place but don’t go out. He never speaks of reconciliation. I usually initiate texts. He sees no one else but it feels unfulfilling to me. I stated in a text two weeks ago that I’ve been doing right by him but I also need to respect myself and what I want. I told him if being together was just physical then I didn’t want to continue. He responded he doesn’t think of me as only physical but he understands if I move on bc he’s he in a weird place. I responded I don’t want to move on, I’d rather him be open to talking to either me or someone else so he’d feel better. And if I’m not not just physical, then prove it!
At that point he didn’t reply and it’s been almost 2 weeks. Now, in order not to be AP and reach out in anxiety, I’ve made no contact. Im trying to be careful to not protest or manipulate- but also be true to me. I guess I’m wondering would a secure person just let go and not reach out at this point or knowing he’s DA, initiate contact to attempt to open doors to communication that he finds so difficult? Although I’ve had to fight impulses to not reach out- I stand by my decision of no casual sex. Advice? TIA!!
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Post by leavethelighton on Dec 20, 2018 0:33:31 GMT
Interesting question.
My initial reaction is that the answer of what a secure person would do doesn't necessarily matter-- what would be best for YOU to do? What's going to be best for you?
Good question though. Because even if a secure person *might* reach out at some point, how they'd do it/what they'd say could be different than someone who tends to be AP, so it isn't just the act of reaching out vs. not reaching out that is in question.
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Dec 20, 2018 1:00:48 GMT
I’ve asked myself similar questions to this when I’ve responded to my ex-DAs distancing with enabling. I’ve asked myself why I would accept such ambiguity and an end to a relationship with out expecting any accountability on his part..
I think a secure person would identify what they need to know or to discuss and they would ask without reservation expecting their partner to respect them enough to show up for that. And if they couldn’t they would recognize that as a sure sign that the relationship isn’t where it needs to be to continue and mourn and move on. (This coming from an insecure person so take it as it comes)
I think you are allowed to contact him and to ask whatever you need to be ok if this is the end of your relationship (or this phase of it). Keeping in mind as you said- you avoid any of that covert AP manipulation and you have a discussion in an open, honest and respectful way that honors both of you
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 20, 2018 1:01:24 GMT
Id let go just like I let go of my avoidant. Like Ive posted I told him not to contact me again unless he faces his issues. Im done being treated poorly, his attachment does not excuse everything, hes a grown man. I have no reason to reach out except for my own thing, his stuff is not my problem nor will we go anywhere until he does the work. Why put myself through half a@@ contact, getting ditched, stonewalling, crumb sex, etc. Personally I dont know how any of you keep at it... I just cannot keep subjecting myself to something that does not satisfy me or meet my healthy needs.
keeping yourself stuck with someone that cannot give you what you need also closes you off to meeting one that can. You're staying trapped in his energy which will hinder the universe sending you another, youre not learning the lesson by keeping one around that is unfulfilling, cant open up, etc, etc, etc.
You are only hurting yourself and not them. Its their problem,not yours. And at this point what is there to discuss?? How many times are you going to walk down the same failed path?
Its not like I dont feel for my guy, it makes my heart hurt he goes though such anxiety, etc but I cant do anything about it, he needs to do it.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 1:10:46 GMT
I’ve asked myself similar questions to this when I’ve responded to my ex-DAs distancing with enabling. I’ve asked myself why I would accept such ambiguity and an end to a relationship with out expecting any accountability on his part.. I think a secure person would identify what they need to know or to discuss and they would ask without reservation expecting their partner to respect them enough to show up for that. And if they couldn’t they would recognize that as a sure sign that the relationship isn’t where it needs to be to continue and mourn and move on. (This coming from an insecure person so take it as it comes) I think you are allowed to contact him and to ask whatever you need to be ok if this is the end of your relationship (or this phase of it). Keeping in mind as you said- you avoid any of that covert AP manipulation and you have a discussion in an open, honest and respectful way that honors both of you lilos - thank you for your opinion! I value your advice and your posts have helped me. I do feel that although I certainly have weak moments, I am feeling strong about what I want and need and I feel ready to assert my boundary and walk if there’s not mutual reciprocation. I am being mindful to not manipulate or protest and I’d like to just be open and direct. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 1:13:59 GMT
Id let go just like I let go of my avoidant. Like Ive posted I told him not to contact me again unless he faces his issues. Im done being treated poorly, his attachment does not excuse everything, hes a grown man. I have no reason to reach out except for my own thing, his stuff is not my problem nor will we go anywhere until he does the work. Why put myself through half a@@ contact, getting ditched, stonewalling, crumb sex, etc. Personally I dont know how any of you keep at it... I just cannot keep subjecting myself to something that does not satisfy me or meet my healthy needs.
keeping yourself stuck with someone that cannot give you what you need also closes you off to meeting one that can. You're staying trapped in his energy which will hinder the universe sending you another, youre not learning the lesson by keeping one around that is unfulfilling, cant open up, etc, etc, etc.
You are only hurting yourself and not them. Its their problem,not yours. And at this point what is there to discuss?? How many times are going to walk down the same failed path?
Well, apparently it took me 12 months to walk down the same path. This guy got to me. I can’t explain it but having love yanked away like I never knew- I couldn’t understand and it took a long while for me to process. Don’t know if I ever fully will. At the end of the day, hurt people hurt people and that may be the only answer I really understand. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 1:18:06 GMT
Interesting question. My initial reaction is that the answer of what a secure person would do doesn't necessarily matter-- what would be best for YOU to do? What's going to be best for you? Good question though. Because even if a secure person *might* reach out at some point, how they'd do it/what they'd say could be different than someone who tends to be AP, so it isn't just the act of reaching out vs. not reaching out that is in question. Thx...Best for me would probably be forgetting he exists (!) but since I haven’t mastered that one yet I’m trying to process in the only way I know how...there have been many lessons here and a lot of pain. I feel ready to walk. I never felt this strong in my resolve. He’s never felt the loss of me either. |
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 20, 2018 1:20:35 GMT
I understand having it yanked, mine did the same thing. Ive never been so triggered. Its been very very hard for me. There are days I cannot comprehend why its so hard because it has not been like that for others. There are days Im like MAKE IT STOP!! LOL Im just done having things yanked and being triggered. I know what its like not to be triggered and thats what I want so Im done with all the turmoil he causes.
And yes hurt people hurt people, it doesnt mean I have to put up with it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2018 1:34:19 GMT
I understand having it yanked, mine did the same thing. Ive never been so triggered. Its been very very hard for me. There are days I cannot comprehend why its so hard because it has not been like that for others. There are days Im like MAKE IT STOP!! LOL Im just done having things yanked and being triggered. I know what its like not to be triggered and thats what I want so Im done with all the turmoil he causes.
And yes hurt people hurt people, it doesnt mean I have to put up with it.
I think i understand what you're saying; i'm with you here. I really really see that the connection is great but i can also see the execution of that connection is somewhat crappy. i want to make it better. i want it to BE better. i want to keep trying and making it work. but the thing is, this requires both parties to really really really work on themselves, and to come together and work on it together. if the other party is not willing and wants to stay in the same spot, it is a difficult thing to my want/need for expansion. I could still focus on developing myself, though it would be like trying to do it under constant trying circumstances. and at this point, we have no need to be together, nor any obligations to make us stay together, for no other reason than wanting to do that. and we both sort of chose not to because it's just too much at that point in time. heck, i can't even be sure that i am working on myself enough to be in that place of trying again, much less try to make so many moving parts come together. it's sad that this happened, and there're days i'm struggling more than most, and i still think about how wonderful it was when it was, but i am DONE with the sadness and the longing and the omg why is this happening to me/us/him - it's like this beleaguered romance drama that drags on and on and on. I no longer want the "drag on and on and on" - that was more exhausting than the relationship itself. i think there's something romantic in that, it's just... not very empowering. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 20, 2018 2:46:46 GMT
What would you say to him if you were not worried about his reaction? What do you want?
With my DA/FA, when I texted him after he had gone silent for a week plus, I said I would be happy to just be friend zone friends if that was easier for him. And if he was done done done, no hard feelings but could he give me a call when he had a chance so we could end on a graceful note.
Really, that kind of closure is better than having things end in silence and is a perfectly reasonable request of another human who has willingly been part of your life even if it is hard for the other human to do so.
As recounted on my thread, DAFA messaged briefly in response that he wanted to get together after the holidays as friends. That may happen, that may not. It might have been a punt on his part.....But I didn't think it was right to have it end in a fade and had to say that.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 20, 2018 3:02:15 GMT
@shiningtar Im done with the sadness, etc too. Im done not feeling like myself, I have been out of my element for 6+ months now... Done. I learned some serious life lessons and have done serious self reflection. I was pretty aware already and have done some reflecting, etc but after this I feel like I knew nothing! LOL
It is sad. I get it.
We get on well, hot sex and have things in common, yada, yada... we cant be together because of his trauma. I had to stop hurting myself.
Mines more FA and has yanked himself from me repeatedly. I let it happen longer than it should have because I was triggered. Im SO DONE being triggered! haha. Its different for me now knowing what happened and what it is, its diffused the anxiousness. His next come back wont trigger me so much. I know it will trigger me a bit but not anything like before.
I know he will come back, its just going to take longer this round. Unless hes become self aware/working on things during this absence I know him better than he knows himself. He will come back triggered or ready to try because he wants to do the work. Or maybe he wants to try and be friends, this seems to be a thing with avoidants. haha.
I still have random urges to reach out, I wont but the urge hits out of nowhere. Its been over 2 months of NC. Reaching out would only be for my own 'needy-not healthy' reason. I set a boundary and he is not capable of being in a healthy relationship right now. Hes not even capable with having an adult conversation about us, he just ghosts.
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 3:18:08 GMT
What would you say to him if you were not worried about his reaction? What do you want? With my DA/FA, when I texted him after he had gone silent for a week plus, I said I would be happy to just be friend zone friends if that was easier for him. And if he was done done done, no hard feelings but could he give me a call when he had a chance so we could end on a graceful note. Really, that kind of closure is better than having things end in silence and is a perfectly reasonable request of another human who has willingly been part of your life even if it is hard for the other human to do so. As recounted on my thread, DAFA messaged briefly in response that he wanted to get together after the holidays as friends. That may happen, that may not. It might have been a punt on his part.....But I didn't think it was right to have it end in a fade and had to say that. Hi sissyk....I worry a lot less about his reaction - that’s why I flat out said I didn’t want to be just physical. Then he pretty much deflected what I said by saying he doesn’t feel I’m just physical- then he went silent. Yes, I remember that you stated your interaction. I think mine says some things to be polite- puts me off in a nice way, but I know people always have time for the things they want to do. So I do take it personally to that extent. To answer your question- I’d want to tell him that I’ll only be with him physically if I know we’re both willing to give it a try...and part of that trying is communication. I’d tell him I care about what he wants; although he seems to think it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants and he shouldn’t expect it. I’d like to tell him I wish he’d have the knowledge to know how much he’s loved and has always been loved- but I won’t say anything involving love! Not since our break...I’d like to tell him even though he’s told me to move on a couple times bc I deserve better, that I don’t need him to be easy, I just need him to be willing. |
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Post by sissyk on Dec 20, 2018 3:42:35 GMT
What would you say to him if you were not worried about his reaction? What do you want? With my DA/FA, when I texted him after he had gone silent for a week plus, I said I would be happy to just be friend zone friends if that was easier for him. And if he was done done done, no hard feelings but could he give me a call when he had a chance so we could end on a graceful note. Really, that kind of closure is better than having things end in silence and is a perfectly reasonable request of another human who has willingly been part of your life even if it is hard for the other human to do so. As recounted on my thread, DAFA messaged briefly in response that he wanted to get together after the holidays as friends. That may happen, that may not. It might have been a punt on his part.....But I didn't think it was right to have it end in a fade and had to say that. Hi sissyk....I worry a lot less about his reaction - that’s why I flat out said I didn’t want to be just physical. Then he pretty much deflected what I said by saying he doesn’t feel I’m just physical- then he went silent. Yes, I remember that you stated your interaction. I think mine says some things to be polite- puts me off in a nice way, but I know people always have time for the things they want to do. So I do take it personally to that extent. To answer your question- I’d want to tell him that I’ll only be with him physically if I know we’re both willing to give it a try...and part of that trying is communication. I’d tell him I care about what he wants; although he seems to think it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants and he shouldn’t expect it. I’d like to tell him I wish he’d have the knowledge to know how much he’s loved and has always been loved- but I won’t say anything involving love! Not since our break...I’d like to tell him even though he’s told me to move on a couple times bc I deserve better, that I don’t need him to be easy, I just need him to be willing. I think those sound great and I hope you have the chance to have that conversation with him. You will be being true to yourself and you will feel you said your peace and did all you could. |
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Post by faithopelove on Dec 20, 2018 3:47:59 GMT
Hi sissyk....I worry a lot less about his reaction - that’s why I flat out said I didn’t want to be just physical. Then he pretty much deflected what I said by saying he doesn’t feel I’m just physical- then he went silent. Yes, I remember that you stated your interaction. I think mine says some things to be polite- puts me off in a nice way, but I know people always have time for the things they want to do. So I do take it personally to that extent. To answer your question- I’d want to tell him that I’ll only be with him physically if I know we’re both willing to give it a try...and part of that trying is communication. I’d tell him I care about what he wants; although he seems to think it doesn’t matter what he thinks or wants and he shouldn’t expect it. I’d like to tell him I wish he’d have the knowledge to know how much he’s loved and has always been loved- but I won’t say anything involving love! Not since our break...I’d like to tell him even though he’s told me to move on a couple times bc I deserve better, that I don’t need him to be easy, I just need him to be willing. I think those sound great and I hope you have the chance to have that conversation with him. You will be being true to yourself and you will feel you said your peace and did all you could. Thanks- I’d rather it be face to face but it’ll probably be text. And I don’t know when I will- I’d rather him step up and show some initiative but I may be waiting a long time! |
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Post by alexandra on Dec 21, 2018 21:17:52 GMT
faithopelove, from your prior posts, it seems like you've already communicated what you want to him, and he keeps saying no, he won't do the work, but takes what he can get from you physically. I don't mean that in a using you way, it sounds like he thinks it's okay because he probably feels he's been clear about what he can give you and if you keep showing up then you're okay with it too on some level. Plus, he's so depressed that he doesn't have much capacity to think outside of himself. What would a secure do... I think it's taking his silence for the last two weeks after you asked him to show you as his inability to do that, and decide to move on for now. He has very deep problems, and you're doing all this work on yourself while he's not. It's accepting that if he is ever ready to do the work, you'll probably be the first to know about it (trust in that connection having been real), but in the meantime, he'll just keep hurting you for reasons that may have zero to do with you. If there are a few things about how you feel that you legitimately haven't said, that have nothing to do with setting new boundaries (there's nothing to set at the moment, he's not reaching out and crossing your boundaries), things that will state what you want and how you feel so that you can accept whatever answer and move on versus just finding more to say to keep the ruminating and connection open, go ahead. If you're able to communicate better now than you could when you were unaware AP and can now say things for yourself that you weren't able to before, you should express yourself. I told my ex that I'd never been able to communicate what was happening when I was AP-triggered and finally could and wanted to explain it to him and why I felt how I felt. He said he understood why I wanted to share that and was glad I did, but it didn't change anything.
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