Post by lilacsky on Jan 29, 2019 6:18:31 GMT
Hello everyone.
I am a 22-year-old woman still reeling from rejection by a 19-year-old guy whom I suspect is DA. This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me.
So, he and I go to the same church. He sings in the church choir and I play the piano, which means we have to see each other on a regular basis. I've been in the choir since April 2018 but it wasn't until November 2018 that I started to get to know him. He's super cute and funny and I always found him attractive but I never really felt the urge to do anything about it. Anyway in December, we visited houses almost every evening for carol singing. That's when we really started to talk and I discovered that although we didn't have a lot of common interests, neither one of us was very religious and were quite liberal. This is about the time when we started texting a lot too. He seemed like a very private person, though and even told me that he didn't really have any friends, only acquaintances. He also said that I was only one of three people in his life that he felt comfortable opening up to. I found all this very endearing. Then he admitted that he was attracted to me and that he'd in fact had a thing for me ever since I started playing for the choir. He asked if I was open to dating people younger than myself and I said yes. However, I had exams for the next two weeks so meeting up was not feasible. Apart from seeing each other in church for choir practice and Mass, most of our interaction was via text.
I don't know if I should've seen this as a red flag, but he asked me for nudes right in the beginning. Although I thought it was a bit early for that and I don't normally send nudes to a guy until we've been dating for a while, I complied. We couldn't meet up until my exams were over so I thought it was the least I could do. Plus, he would send me some of his nudes too. It seemed like a fair exchange. During that week, I began to notice some things that I thought were 'off'. He would respond enthusiastically to my texts but wouldn't really make an effort to keep the conversation going. He didn't ask nearly as many questions about myself as I did about him. At certain times of the day, he seemed closed off and aloof and I would get short responses. He didn't like to make small talk of any kind, not even ask me how my day was. And only once did he ask me about how I did on an exam. A couple of times he would try to calm me down while I was stressing about an exam. But overall I sensed that he wasn't very empathetic. I brought it up one time and he said "Yeah, I'm very cold. :/". I was already starting to get a bit anxious because I wasn't sure anymore if he was actually interested in me or he only wanted sex. But he did bring up wanting to see me after exams and watch movies and stuff. I once asked him if he'd ever been in love and he said that he'd only ever had feelings for two girls, even though he dated a lot after his last breakup. He hadn't been in a relationship for two years. He even mentioned that the last relationship ended because his girlfriend cheated on him.
Anyway, we exchanged nudes and memes almost every day and talked a bit. One evening he began a sexting session, telling me about all the things he would do to me when my exams were finally over. Needless to say, I got my hopes up. Things seemed alright the next day but the day after that he just went cold. This really threw me. Suddenly he wasn't interested in my nudes anymore and I got very short replies to my texts. I didn't think much of it at the time, believing that things would be better when we could actually meet up after exams. Another day went by with no text from him and I started to worry. Maybe I'd said or done something wrong. Maybe one of my nudes had turned him off (lol). I couldn't seem to calm myself down. I gave up and asked him if he was still interested in my nudes or if I should stop sending them. He said: "Depends on you, really. I wouldn't mind." Now I was confused.
So I let another week go by like this. He would send me memes and stuff, some of which were sexual, but we didn't talk much. I figured I would just ask him out after my exams were done and see how he would respond.
Exams were finally over, and I decided to text him. This is how the conversation went.
Me: Are you free tomorrow? To hang out, maybe. If you're still interested, that is.
Him: Interested? Meaning
Me: Interested in meeting up
Him: At your place, lunch?
Me: Yep. And a movie, if you like. If you're not comfortable with coming over, we could go out instead.
Him: Shall we go out on Friday?
Me: Sure. Friday's good. I'm asking you out on a date, btw. Just to be clear.
Him: Oh. I don't do dates. Consider this lunch, thanks.
I guess I still held out some hope so this took me aback. I asked him what happened. He said "Infatuation. This should sum it up." I said maybe I was the one who misunderstood and I was sorry. He said, "No, you didn't. I was confused. I'm sorry." And that was that.
I thought I would be okay, that it wasn't a big deal and that I would get over it quickly seeing as this whole thing was over even before it began. But my brain wouldn't stop trying to make sense of all this. I couldn't comprehend how someone could lose interest so suddenly, especially if it was an infatuation that lasted for months. That's how I stumbled upon this forum. It's been three weeks now since I asked him out. I muted/unfollowed him on social media almost immediately and I've been trying to immerse myself in other activities. But I have a lot of trouble focusing. I still have bouts of anxiety, especially as soon as I wake up in the morning. The first week was very hard. I would keep zoning out while talking to people or while trying to distract myself. In previous relationships I would get anxious if my partner pulled away but this time it's not like we were even dating. I don't understand why it's taking me so long to let go of this.
Also, the way I normally deal with breakups/rejection is to completely cut off all contact with the other person. I wish I could do that this time but playing piano for the choir is an obligation I can't get out of right now. I will be graduating college soon and I'm hoping that I can get a job right after in a different part of the city so I won't have to go to this church anymore. So even though we barely text now (I no longer initiate conversations), I have to see him in church every damn weekend. It feels like whatever work I do during the week in terms of moving on is undone every time I see him. I try to remain cordial and I make sure not to prolong any one-on-one conversations with him. Even so, it's been mentally taxing. The thought of going to church makes me anxious, Mass makes me anxious, being around him makes me anxious. And a tiny part of me still hopes that he will change his mind. I still catch myself fantasizing about him and about being with him and I've been trying hard not to entertain these thoughts. Although I no longer believe that it was my fault that he lost interest, I still feel all kinds of emotions bubbling to the surface from time to time: hurt, sadness, resentment, anger, shame. And I just don't know what to do with them.
I have not opened up about this experience to anybody yet. I do plan on talking to a friend about it because I think it will help. Writing about it here has been cathartic though. I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with getting over someone you have to see on a regular basis, especially if they trigger anxiety.
If you've come this far, thank you so much for listening.
I am a 22-year-old woman still reeling from rejection by a 19-year-old guy whom I suspect is DA. This is going to be a long post, so please bear with me.
So, he and I go to the same church. He sings in the church choir and I play the piano, which means we have to see each other on a regular basis. I've been in the choir since April 2018 but it wasn't until November 2018 that I started to get to know him. He's super cute and funny and I always found him attractive but I never really felt the urge to do anything about it. Anyway in December, we visited houses almost every evening for carol singing. That's when we really started to talk and I discovered that although we didn't have a lot of common interests, neither one of us was very religious and were quite liberal. This is about the time when we started texting a lot too. He seemed like a very private person, though and even told me that he didn't really have any friends, only acquaintances. He also said that I was only one of three people in his life that he felt comfortable opening up to. I found all this very endearing. Then he admitted that he was attracted to me and that he'd in fact had a thing for me ever since I started playing for the choir. He asked if I was open to dating people younger than myself and I said yes. However, I had exams for the next two weeks so meeting up was not feasible. Apart from seeing each other in church for choir practice and Mass, most of our interaction was via text.
I don't know if I should've seen this as a red flag, but he asked me for nudes right in the beginning. Although I thought it was a bit early for that and I don't normally send nudes to a guy until we've been dating for a while, I complied. We couldn't meet up until my exams were over so I thought it was the least I could do. Plus, he would send me some of his nudes too. It seemed like a fair exchange. During that week, I began to notice some things that I thought were 'off'. He would respond enthusiastically to my texts but wouldn't really make an effort to keep the conversation going. He didn't ask nearly as many questions about myself as I did about him. At certain times of the day, he seemed closed off and aloof and I would get short responses. He didn't like to make small talk of any kind, not even ask me how my day was. And only once did he ask me about how I did on an exam. A couple of times he would try to calm me down while I was stressing about an exam. But overall I sensed that he wasn't very empathetic. I brought it up one time and he said "Yeah, I'm very cold. :/". I was already starting to get a bit anxious because I wasn't sure anymore if he was actually interested in me or he only wanted sex. But he did bring up wanting to see me after exams and watch movies and stuff. I once asked him if he'd ever been in love and he said that he'd only ever had feelings for two girls, even though he dated a lot after his last breakup. He hadn't been in a relationship for two years. He even mentioned that the last relationship ended because his girlfriend cheated on him.
Anyway, we exchanged nudes and memes almost every day and talked a bit. One evening he began a sexting session, telling me about all the things he would do to me when my exams were finally over. Needless to say, I got my hopes up. Things seemed alright the next day but the day after that he just went cold. This really threw me. Suddenly he wasn't interested in my nudes anymore and I got very short replies to my texts. I didn't think much of it at the time, believing that things would be better when we could actually meet up after exams. Another day went by with no text from him and I started to worry. Maybe I'd said or done something wrong. Maybe one of my nudes had turned him off (lol). I couldn't seem to calm myself down. I gave up and asked him if he was still interested in my nudes or if I should stop sending them. He said: "Depends on you, really. I wouldn't mind." Now I was confused.
So I let another week go by like this. He would send me memes and stuff, some of which were sexual, but we didn't talk much. I figured I would just ask him out after my exams were done and see how he would respond.
Exams were finally over, and I decided to text him. This is how the conversation went.
Me: Are you free tomorrow? To hang out, maybe. If you're still interested, that is.
Him: Interested? Meaning
Me: Interested in meeting up
Him: At your place, lunch?
Me: Yep. And a movie, if you like. If you're not comfortable with coming over, we could go out instead.
Him: Shall we go out on Friday?
Me: Sure. Friday's good. I'm asking you out on a date, btw. Just to be clear.
Him: Oh. I don't do dates. Consider this lunch, thanks.
I guess I still held out some hope so this took me aback. I asked him what happened. He said "Infatuation. This should sum it up." I said maybe I was the one who misunderstood and I was sorry. He said, "No, you didn't. I was confused. I'm sorry." And that was that.
I thought I would be okay, that it wasn't a big deal and that I would get over it quickly seeing as this whole thing was over even before it began. But my brain wouldn't stop trying to make sense of all this. I couldn't comprehend how someone could lose interest so suddenly, especially if it was an infatuation that lasted for months. That's how I stumbled upon this forum. It's been three weeks now since I asked him out. I muted/unfollowed him on social media almost immediately and I've been trying to immerse myself in other activities. But I have a lot of trouble focusing. I still have bouts of anxiety, especially as soon as I wake up in the morning. The first week was very hard. I would keep zoning out while talking to people or while trying to distract myself. In previous relationships I would get anxious if my partner pulled away but this time it's not like we were even dating. I don't understand why it's taking me so long to let go of this.
Also, the way I normally deal with breakups/rejection is to completely cut off all contact with the other person. I wish I could do that this time but playing piano for the choir is an obligation I can't get out of right now. I will be graduating college soon and I'm hoping that I can get a job right after in a different part of the city so I won't have to go to this church anymore. So even though we barely text now (I no longer initiate conversations), I have to see him in church every damn weekend. It feels like whatever work I do during the week in terms of moving on is undone every time I see him. I try to remain cordial and I make sure not to prolong any one-on-one conversations with him. Even so, it's been mentally taxing. The thought of going to church makes me anxious, Mass makes me anxious, being around him makes me anxious. And a tiny part of me still hopes that he will change his mind. I still catch myself fantasizing about him and about being with him and I've been trying hard not to entertain these thoughts. Although I no longer believe that it was my fault that he lost interest, I still feel all kinds of emotions bubbling to the surface from time to time: hurt, sadness, resentment, anger, shame. And I just don't know what to do with them.
I have not opened up about this experience to anybody yet. I do plan on talking to a friend about it because I think it will help. Writing about it here has been cathartic though. I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with getting over someone you have to see on a regular basis, especially if they trigger anxiety.
If you've come this far, thank you so much for listening.
