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Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 4:24:41 GMT
Saw my ex DA tonight and I felt triggered more than I have in a long while. I keep trying to be patient, consistent and understanding.
We used to see each other 1-2 times a month and for the past 6 weeks it’s been weekly. I initiate contact and he invites lately. I try to focus on the progress of seeing each other more, but he’s still shut down.
I got triggered tonight bc his daughter called when I was there- I seem to think the way he shut down on me in our break is the way he shut down on everyone, but the whole conversation he called her “baby” and said I love you. It reminded me of the way he used to talk to me- and he told me he’s seeing his two friends Fri night. He’s usually an introvert and rarely goes out, but it made me realize his relationship with his kids, friends, work responsibilities all stayed the same and the difference is I was put in this box. It felt hurtful and I don’t know if it’s my AP kicking into high gear or that I’m being realistic that we’re 14 months post break and he is a shell of his former self with me yet with everyone else is quite capable.
I want to say something about his thoughts and intentions or what he wants, but then I hold back bc I don’t trust that it’s not an AP compulsion. And I guess I should be telling him what I want, but of course that scares me bc he’s emotionally distant and I’m afraid it will further shut him down. Am I unreasonable to feel bad about him acting normal in every area except where it comes to me?
And even though I’ve already been married and have my 4 kids so I’m in rush in that regard, I still don’t want to hang on if this DA is convinced he’s done. Maybe I should be asking him....
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Post by mistakes on Jan 31, 2019 7:54:01 GMT
Seeing the person is capable of “loving” or treating others better, even, giving everyone else the connection that I long for, is a trigger that I need to fight so hard.
From what I understand, that might be because I am “closer” to the person, so they are also “triggered” too.
So far, I gathered two kinds of suggestions. Express whatever you need or feel, in order to own your need, even if it means moving on. The other suggestion is the opposite, if the relationship is far too important that you would not want to push away, keep all the “neediness” to yourself, but still find ways to self-soothes.
Hope this help, it’s not easy to cope with the feeling that “I worth so little” or am I just used...
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Post by sissyk on Jan 31, 2019 13:34:00 GMT
You could ask him if he is "done," and you may get some words out of his mouth. But he may not be able to articulate how he feels or may just say things in emotional self defense to stave off an immediate crisis. I don't think trying to get him to talk about his needs or psyche will get you anywhere or that he will be that responsive to your stated needs....he must have a sense of what you want. If he is connecting with friends and his daughter in those ways and not you, he seems able to reach out to others for support and connection. I don't think your noticing is you being AP. I think it is getting data. Sorry to be direct here: Are you still sleeping together? (You don't have to go on the record  just wanting you to consider...) While this may be a way to connect, it may also be a reason he is continuing along status quo. I know he has many admirable qualities but this could be part of why he keeps you in limbo--he may have found a way to rationalize it to himself. I'm not saying he is a user or that you don't both get something good from it. I would suggest this strong medicine. Tell him you are going to take a break for a while. You are busy etc--You don't have to make it a crisis. If he is DA, he will get what it means to be busy. Then don't contact him for a month and see how YOU feel about the situation. It is like a practice break up--you will see you will survive, but you have not cut him out entirely. I think that would be good self care and it sounds like he has other means of support right now so would be ok timing. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 31, 2019 14:15:03 GMT
I would suggest this strong medicine. Tell him you are going to take a break for a while. You are busy etc--You don't have to make it a crisis. If he is DA, he will get what it means to be busy. Then don't contact him for a month and see how YOU feel about the situation. It is like a practice break up--you will see you will survive, but you have not cut him out entirely. I think that would be good self care and it sounds like he has other means of support right now so would be ok timing. This is a good idea. I do feel for you on this one Faith. One of my “go to comforts” that I use to ease my mind about my FA ex is that his closer relationships with so many others are also damaged. If I had to see him have seemingly “healthy” relationships with everyone else BUT me, that would be super tough. But friendships and even his daughter might not pose the same kind of threat to him as a romantic intimacy. You’re much scarier to him. If he doesn’t keep space with you, then you might cross boundaries that aren’t there with friends or family. Romantic relationships usually are much more intimate than friendships and family. So try to keep that in mind and maybe that will help ease your fears. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 31, 2019 15:04:35 GMT
You could ask him if he is "done," and you may get some words out of his mouth. But he may not be able to articulate how he feels or may just say things in emotional self defense to stave off an immediate crisis. I don't think trying to get him to talk about his needs or psyche will get you anywhere or that he will be that responsive to your stated needs....he must have a sense of what you want. If he is connecting with friends and his daughter in those ways and not you, he seems able to reach out to others for support and connection. I don't think your noticing is you being AP. I think it is getting data. Sorry to be direct here: Are you still sleeping together? (You don't have to go on the record just wanting you to consider...) While this may be a way to connect, it may also be a reason he is continuing along status quo. I know he has many admirable qualities but this could be part of why he keeps you in limbo--he may have found a way to rationalize it to himself. I'm not saying he is a user or that you don't both get something good from it. I would suggest this strong medicine. Tell him you are going to take a break for a while. You are busy etc--You don't have to make it a crisis. If he is DA, he will get what it means to be busy. Then don't contact him for a month and see how YOU feel about the situation. It is like a practice break up--you will see you will survive, but you have not cut him out entirely. I think that would be good self care and it sounds like he has other means of support right now so would be ok timing. That is really good advice. Minimises the triggering for both of you, but gives you a timeline. |
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Post by mrob on Jan 31, 2019 15:11:16 GMT
Also, to all of those above, no partner will ever come first. My daughter will come first, my work will come second, then a partner. I’m not 18, where it’s a fresh open slate. Those are the facts of this FA’s life, and I’d rather be alone than have the pain of constantly bring asked (overtly or covertly) to choose. If I’m asked to choose, it’s a no brainer for me. It’s taken years to actually stick to that boundary, and I have no intention of going backwards.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Jan 31, 2019 15:47:46 GMT
Also, to all of those above, no partner will ever come first. My daughter will come first, my work will come second, then a partner. I’m not 18, where it’s a fresh open slate. Those are the facts of this FA’s life, and I’d rather be alone than have the pain of constantly bring asked (overtly or covertly) to choose. If I’m asked to choose, it’s a no brainer for me. It’s taken years to actually stick to that boundary, and I have no intention of going backwards. I can’t speak for Faith, but personally I would never ever expect a partner to choose me first above his own child. In fact, it would be a huge red flag is that was ever the case. But I can understand that it would hurt to have a partner be so distant with me but so warm with what seems to be everyone else. But family and friend relationships also function much differently than romantic ones. I am more secure with my friends and actually a bit anxious/avoidant with family. Romantic relationships spark that AP in me. So I just think that he is keeping distance with her because he knows he has a greater risk of being triggered more by her than others. |
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Post by sissyk on Jan 31, 2019 16:50:51 GMT
I don't think the issue above is wanting to come first before his daughter. I think that the issue is he seems emotionally available in some contexts not others. Which calls the premise he is a complete emotional hermit into question. I'm an AP and of course my kids come first too Work is important too not more important than a partner (When I have one) |
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Post by alexandra on Jan 31, 2019 19:23:03 GMT
I agree he's triggered too, and this is what he can give right now in a romantic relationship context. If he's initiating plans and seeing you more often, he's still present in his own way. I don't think he's using you because he has not misrepresented anything. But it's back to the same question of, this seems to be what he's capable of giving a partner, regardless of how he is with family/work/friends. If it never changes, is that enough for you?
Also, think about how some of the attachment style tests will give you assessments for overall, mother, father, friends, romantic partner, and they can all come out differently. It's not unheard of that he can handle the intimacy expectations of a friend but not a girlfriend. What matters is that he's being as honest with you as he's capable of being, and you're content with things as they are. If you need to take the space suggested above to clear your head enough to decide, that's not a bad thing.
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 21:30:13 GMT
You could ask him if he is "done," and you may get some words out of his mouth. But he may not be able to articulate how he feels or may just say things in emotional self defense to stave off an immediate crisis. I don't think trying to get him to talk about his needs or psyche will get you anywhere or that he will be that responsive to your stated needs....he must have a sense of what you want. If he is connecting with friends and his daughter in those ways and not you, he seems able to reach out to others for support and connection. I don't think your noticing is you being AP. I think it is getting data. Sorry to be direct here: Are you still sleeping together? (You don't have to go on the record just wanting you to consider...) While this may be a way to connect, it may also be a reason he is continuing along status quo. I know he has many admirable qualities but this could be part of why he keeps you in limbo--he may have found a way to rationalize it to himself. I'm not saying he is a user or that you don't both get something good from it. I would suggest this strong medicine. Tell him you are going to take a break for a while. You are busy etc--You don't have to make it a crisis. If he is DA, he will get what it means to be busy. Then don't contact him for a month and see how YOU feel about the situation. It is like a practice break up--you will see you will survive, but you have not cut him out entirely. I think that would be good self care and it sounds like he has other means of support right now so would be ok timing. - hey, thanks for your perspective. I have thought about doing what you proposed before and now that I’m feeling and more independent, I can see it being more manageable to pull away. I do hesitate in the regard we have been seeing each other weekly now, opposed to 1-2 times a month. I feel progress has been made with building some trust with our more consistent interaction so I don’t want to jeopardize that either....but I’m definitely keeping your recommendation in mind and it may come to that. Hope you’re well! |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 21:34:11 GMT
I don't think the issue above is wanting to come first before his daughter. I think that the issue is he seems emotionally available in some contexts not others. Which calls the premise he is a complete emotional hermit into question. I'm an AP and of course my kids come first too Work is important too not more important than a partner (When I have one) @sikkyk and mrob Exactly- I just noticed the stark difference between the warm communication with his daughter. That was all. One of the reasons I respect him so much is because he puts his two kids first. He’s an awesome dad. That’s so important to me and it’s an immediate red flag to me if a guy doesn’t make his kids first priority. My ex-husband is a deadbeat dad to our 4 kids, so I definitely look for a responsible and loving dad! Thx for your point of views |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 21:42:41 GMT
Also, to all of those above, no partner will ever come first. My daughter will come first, my work will come second, then a partner. I’m not 18, where it’s a fresh open slate. Those are the facts of this FA’s life, and I’d rather be alone than have the pain of constantly bring asked (overtly or covertly) to choose. If I’m asked to choose, it’s a no brainer for me. It’s taken years to actually stick to that boundary, and I have no intention of going backwards. I can’t speak for Faith, but personally I would never ever expect a partner to choose me first above his own child. In fact, it would be a huge red flag is that was ever the case. But I can understand that it would hurt to have a partner be so distant with me but so warm with what seems to be everyone else. But family and friend relationships also function much differently than romantic ones. I am more secure with my friends and actually a bit anxious/avoidant with family. Romantic relationships spark that AP in me. So I just think that he is keeping distance with her because he knows he has a greater risk of being triggered more by her than others. Yes, you read me correctly, I admire him greatly for putting his kids first. It’s one of the reasons I fell for him and continue to respect him. I have a varying attachment style similar to yours: AP w partners, secure in friendships and I’m a strong DA w my parents! So I get how he’s more vulnerable with me than his friends or children and therefore more triggered by me. Trust is his issue with partners. Not that he’s a generally highly trusting person, but it’s an obstacle with a partner. I think hearing him on his cell with his daughter and his warm conversation really made me miss the way he used to talk to me and made me feel a sense of deep longing. Thx for your input... |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 21:54:49 GMT
I agree he's triggered too, and this is what he can give right now in a romantic relationship context. If he's initiating plans and seeing you more often, he's still present in his own way. I don't think he's using you because he has not misrepresented anything. But it's back to the same question of, this seems to be what he's capable of giving a partner, regardless of how he is with family/work/friends. If it never changes, is that enough for you? Also, think about how some of the attachment style tests will give you assessments for overall, mother, father, friends, romantic partner, and they can all come out differently. It's not unheard of that he can handle the intimacy expectations of a friend but not a girlfriend. What matters is that he's being as honest with you as he's capable of being, and you're content with things as they are. If you need to take the space suggested above to clear your head enough to decide, that's not a bad thing. ....yes, as of now I am content with the way things, or more accurately, in spite of the way things are I have a general sense of peace. At this time I’m relying so much more on myself and feeling less anxious overall, and I think that’s a big part of my healing AP. In 5 years when my 3 kids are off to college, then I’d need to reevaluate and decide if I could continue to live in this limited capacity. You’re right- he’s always been honest and he’s been loyal and I appreciate both those traits. And my attachment styles varies greatly w my parents, friends and partners so I can understand how I’m a trigger and he’s much more vulnerable with me than his guy friends or daughter. He still feels a need to protect himself from me. Thx for weighing in 💜 |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 22:01:10 GMT
Also, to all of those above, no partner will ever come first. My daughter will come first, my work will come second, then a partner. I’m not 18, where it’s a fresh open slate. Those are the facts of this FA’s life, and I’d rather be alone than have the pain of constantly bring asked (overtly or covertly) to choose. If I’m asked to choose, it’s a no brainer for me. It’s taken years to actually stick to that boundary, and I have no intention of going backwards. Yeah, I show up for work and I need to be responsible and earn a paycheck to pay my bills, but at an emotional level, at the end of my career, I’ll retire, another teacher will be in my classroom and no will remember me. So I do put a partner before my job, with an adult understanding that we both have obligations that must be fulfilled and work obligations come first out of necessity. I’m certainly not 18 either lol and starting to count those years til retirement! |
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Post by faithopelove on Jan 31, 2019 22:05:39 GMT
I would suggest this strong medicine. Tell him you are going to take a break for a while. You are busy etc--You don't have to make it a crisis. If he is DA, he will get what it means to be busy. Then don't contact him for a month and see how YOU feel about the situation. It is like a practice break up--you will see you will survive, but you have not cut him out entirely. I think that would be good self care and it sounds like he has other means of support right now so would be ok timing. This is a good idea. I do feel for you on this one Faith. One of my “go to comforts” that I use to ease my mind about my FA ex is that his closer relationships with so many others are also damaged. If I had to see him have seemingly “healthy” relationships with everyone else BUT me, that would be super tough. But friendships and even his daughter might not pose the same kind of threat to him as a romantic intimacy. You’re much scarier to him. If he doesn’t keep space with you, then you might cross boundaries that aren’t there with friends or family. Romantic relationships usually are much more intimate than friendships and family. So try to keep that in mind and maybe that will help ease your fears. Yes, and although he’s a dedicated dad, he’s still very much an introvert and only sees his guy friends once every few months. It’s not like he’s one to hang out and be very sociable with anyone. I guess it was just seeing that other side I haven’t seen in over a year that triggered a nerve with me. Thx for sharing... |
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just wanting you to consider...) While this may be a way to connect, it may also be a reason he is continuing along status quo. I know he has many admirable qualities but this could be part of why he keeps you in limbo--he may have found a way to rationalize it to himself. I'm not saying he is a user or that you don't both get something good from it. 
