Been gone for a bit...

I am truly not sure what specifically happened...but I found myself avoiding these boards...and whenever I avoid something...I have to be chasing something else.  This time it was candles, specifically bath and body works candles....I probably have around 150 or more.  I got to know the managers and associates at my local store and others, joined 6 different bbw groups on Facebook, have even sold a few candles for a few dollars in profit...at the end of the day....it has all just been a distraction against an overwhelming sense of loneliness and sadness that I just don’t want to face.  i even stopped journaling...which has been so important for me for so long.  I just did not want to face the dying hope head on...the fact that my heart really has not budged an inch since when I first joined these boards.  I am still utterly besotted over a man who has put me squarely in the friend zone.  I vacillate between compassionate acceptance of this and anger at myself for being unable to cut ties/move on/date/do something.  Similarly I vascullate between complete acceptance and love for B with open hands and possessive/jealous/selfish desire that looks at him from a very narrow perspective.  I have never been more challenged by my own behavior/thoughts/feelings as I have with B...yet I know all of this is good...even the more primitive and possessive feelings don’t last nearly as long as they used to....I soften much more quickly and I do find my way back to some middle ground.  I recently told my mom that I am done fighting with myself...that right p, wrong, good, bad...I am still in love with B and if that isn’t changing, then maybe it is just a matter on working on accepting it and accepting me.  In the end, under all the sludge, I want B to be happy...I want him to be seen for the good man that he is and I do want to be a cheerleader for him...even if only from the bleachers.  This is still hard...