What's it like when you're triggered?

I test AP with partners, DA with parents and secure in friendships.

As an AP, feeling connected to my partner always mattered more than anything. If I felt a pulling away or disconnect from that closeness, whether real or perceived, I would feel panic riding up in my chest. Panic and anxiety. My nervous system would feel hijacked and the only way to feel better was to reconnect to that source, my partner. My focus would be on the other person- what they’re doing, thinking, feeling and it would feel impossible to feel regulated without coming to terms with my partner. Instead of finding comfort or strength within- I would chase it and hunt it down.

Overacting and being reactive would happen as a result of feeling any distancing or rejection. It’s a horrible feeling when activated bc I would feel out of control- that’s when I would do things such as text or call repeatedly. I acted out the most by blowing up the cell. I would try to stuff it down but explode in texts. I did not want but “needed” reconnect, like my life depended on it. I would feel in a very young state both psychologically and emotionally when activated- around the age of a hurting and rejected 5 or 6 year old.

It’s embarrassing to think of now, but until a year ago, I was uneducated and unaware of my past trauma and triggers influencing my responses.

Check out my first few posts when I got here and you’ll see the emotional roller coaster of an FA, warts and all.

I don't typically re-initiate contact with an ex.  I have had anxious and avoidant and probably FA partners.  If I want to salvage the relationship it will be in a short time frame. So say there have been escalating issues that lead to breakup (I'm the initiator, I haven't been broken up with ), after I chill out about it for a few days and if I feel that I have been heard and heard the other side and a solution might be reached, I will want to try to reconcile to give it another try. 

If there isn't enough to salvage, I will handle the breakup and move on as well and as soon as I can without looking back.  A long period of time passing means I am done and not looking back. 

I am friends with an ex that was dismissive and we couldn't get it together in a way that suited us both (he's more DA than me) but we always had a special bond and both have elected to maintain that sans romance.  That was the only instance that I have cut contact and taken time to recover and resolved things internally and reaproached.  I can't remember actually if he reached out or I did but we are in contact frequently without seeing each other in person much.  It works for both of us, the light companionship.

As far as triggers, I really relate to the description of your avoidant trigger, although I am not triggered by closeness I am triggered by inconsistency, or confusion, unpredictability, and conflict, or disrespect that feels like oppression or encroachment on my autonomy or personal values.

I'm confused about the anxious triggers that you guys are describing though. I guess I can't remember what anxiously triggered persons have said to me when triggered because I didn't understand all this and was shutting down myself. I know it was nothing that made me want to reconnect. When you spam and fight to connect what kinds of things are you saying and doing- is it reconciliatory or pleading or expressing love or what?

I understand that feeling of the "fight" reaction where there is intensity and a "moving toward" the attachment, but it seems like we have very different motivations. I basically feel like I'm screaming back and making my case. But it seems like anxious persons are not driven to be understood no matter the consequence and even if it means walking away for good , they are driven to repair and feel safe?
My fight mode is about basically explaining my departure and anger and once I've done that and feel heard I can let go. I might fight for a week or less and then drop it. During that time I will feel adrenaline with contact and then spit stuff out and retreat and calm down and move away from it again. I'll feel agitated about it because I feel wronged, and just have a mess of emotion. So it's not so much a drive to reconnect as to establish my perimeter and burn stuff off I guess. Then I move into acceptance and put my focus on other things that feel rewarding, stable and safe to me.

But like I've said, if I am emotionally attached and invested and feel there is hope to reconcile after the storm clears it will be quick, not weeks and months. I just want to get stability either in or out.

I've heard that I'm absolutely unapproachable when I'm triggered. Which is the goal. But it all stinks.

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

When I was at my DA height, being triggered made me run - almost literally, a kind of claustrophobia and then extreme distance which must have left my partners totally baffled - and once I had turned off it was permanent - often I had no idea why, I just wanted out.

Fast forward some and I can now recognise thought patterns and sit with feelings in order to pause and not skip straight to reactivity which is a huge step forward. I recognise being triggered in all walks of life and can now observe rather than interact with the feelings which is huge and immensely freeing. I would almost say I'm too good at it as I can be tempted by my ability to be calm with what is, to stay when sometimes leaving would be best.

Having said that I'm learning and accepting that I have needs too and am getting more adept at setting meaningful boundaries. In my last relationship when my partner returned I was very clear about what I needed and when I realised he was unable to meet those needs rather than being triggered I set very clear edges around physical intimacy and realistic expectations which has allowed me to accept our relationship as is and notice my feelings around it, whilst remaining detached in a healthy way.

The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer really helped me to see my reactions subjectively and to take some kind of pause before leaping into reactive behaviours/ getting lost in looping thought trains. As a DA however I was totally unaware and totally at the mercy of my conditioning which was about as far from freedom as it's possible to imagine - although at the time I thought this was what being free was all about. Ahhh the irony of the DA!

@nullified - Yes, definitely a fight to reconnect and that fight could last hours or days, as long as I feel progress can be made then I’m driven to continue. My AP reaction was never out of anger and I didn’t lash out in anger with yelling, screaming or name calling but I was persistent. I have been told that being on the receiving end felt like a lot of criticism and a feeling my partner could never satisfy me. My few serious partners have all told me it’s impossible to make me happy. I would text, phone and talk so I could try to make the person understand my point of view- and in understanding, then I’d expect restored closeness. I wanted to be heard and understood. The severed tie hurt too much. I tried to persuade, coerce and convince. I could talk forever to try and find the right angle to reconnect. So sad, the desperation.

Thinking back to the last two conflicts with my ex- who was triggered by conflict, uncertainty and inconsistency....I was very hurt and felt him pulling away when he made up excuses about not spending Thanksgiving together, immediately after our break, but since we spent the weekend together, I expected to jump back in full throttle. I texted that I felt like he didn’t care and asked don’t I matter to him and how he invited me two months prior etc.

The trigger before that resulted bc he told me he was going out w his friends the upcoming Friday. That, coupled w our recent conflicts and his pulling away set off alarm bells in me and I immediately felt hurt and told him things like, before I make plans I check to see if it’s our kid free weekend and we already were spending less time together so we needed this time...and questioned him about why I wasn’t invited, were his friends’ girlfriends going etc. I lost it about that incident- he shut down and put off talking to me about it for two days which caused me to ruminate further and I felt he was intentionally punishing me. I felt so hurt. He still went out for the little two hours he wanted and it only resulted in damaging his trust in me.

For me, I’m triggered by fear of losing the person- his time, attention, affection. He came to see me as high maintenance, high drama and unstable. He bailed and became depressed. To me, it was all about coming back together and reconnecting when I reacted.

Of course, the one thing I wanted brought the exact opposite with my behavior. I don’t know as a hard DA why he hasn’t shut the door on me like the other girls in his past, but he’s also never been open to me since the break. Limbo world. He’s drawn a hard boundary and he’s afraid to trust me...AP under control or not. The whole thing sucks- my poor behavior by just wanting to connect and his shutting down. I don’t know if an avoidant could ever relate to the desperate AP need to reconnect anymore than I can understand an avoidant’s need to shut down and disconnect.

“But it seems like anxious persons are not driven to be understood no matter the consequence and even if it means walking away for good , they are driven to repair and feel safe?”

@nullified - I definitely think AP are driven to be understood and in order to restore a sense of calm and security. My security always came from an external force.

Personally, I would never threaten to walk away from my partner, as disconnection was my biggest fear. I’d only say I was leaving if it was actually true- and I’ve never a partner in my AP state. Only after the course of months or years and flipping to avoidant behavior over the time would I leave. Basically detaching from my partner in every way before leaving. I don’t know if it’s possible for me to leave in AP mode.

Of course, it's all unconscious and freedom is only possible when you have conscious choice.
That said, the lifestyle independence of DA , I believe, is only problematic if it is a source of unhappiness.
But yes, all the pattern reactivity holds us captive until we work through it.