One small step...one giant leap.

Good job, I think you did respond well under the circumstances. From what you wrote, it sounds like he was more interested in being self-serving to convince you to be his friend than really taking responsibility and offering a real apology. That can still change with more perspective on his end, but don't count on it any time soon.

Two of us just shared stories in the second page of this thread of how things played out when an FA left and eventually came back with this kind of communication, with varying levels of self awareness: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1733/little-annoyed-ex

You aren't struggling with this alone. Stick with it and do what's best for you!

Thank you! I’ll def check out your links when I get a chance.

I had the same thought about his apology though. He seemed more concerned about alleviating some of his own guilt (trying to convince me it was both of our decision to end with no conversation) then to actually feel sorry. Regardless of outcome, the breakup conversation was MY request. I feel if he had cared enough for me then he would have at least given me that respect even if his decision was to end the relationship. He’s still feeling that he owes me an explanation? Why? He hasn’t heard ME say that. It’s because he knows he left things unsettled.

It’s weird how this tiny thing can push me so much further to closure 😊

Yeah I still think he’s confused and trying to convince himself that his impulsive deactivation was a solid decision. Well...it just wasn’t. His long text to me was less about trying to explain himself to me and more about trying to convince himself of his decision. He even called me by my pet name a few times in the text. That’s NOT someone that really has moved on and just wants friendship. But what I realize is that no matter how much I still love him, I deserve someone who isn’t confused about how they feel about me. I hate it for him because I do view him as someone who has deep wounds NOT a bad guy (even though he’s been very dismissive of me in this “breakup” aka ghosting). I truly want happiness for him....but I’m trying to let go of that responsibility...it’s not mine to bear.

Yes! We are all WOUNDED and trying to heal. There is no fault...only responsibility. Some take the challenge and others do not. The people who want to grow are the ones that are worth the effort.

I just read your post and yes it sounds like you are experiencing a similar situation. And I haven’t actually achieved total peace yet...it’s such a hard situation to navigate emotionally. I totally understand the anxiety you are feeling. Breakup or “rejection” is hard but easier to deal with than mixed messages. I still crave validation from him. You can read my original post on this link (I hope the link works!) and see my full story. My FA broke up and came back three times over six months. The first two breakups/returns were basically month to month. jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1657/fa-bf-admit-wrong-love

The commonality in both your situation and mine is this....both of our love interests maintain that they value the friendship and are almost desperate to keep that. Both are giving mixed messages as far as the desire aspect. I didn’t write about this but after I had this small step of empowerment, I went to my hairdresser who is a mutual friend (more my friend than his) and she told me that he told her he felt like when he kissed me, he was kissing his sister. Very hurtful to hear this but I still don’t buy it. I asked one of my friends if I was being completely delusional and she said no. She’s seen him around me and his actions definitely contradict. Even some of his friends have also come to me and said they are confused and that he has issues. If he genuinely didn’t feel a spark, I doubt that HIS male friends would come tell me that he has issues. People are more sympathetic to that scenario. I’ve found it’s just one of the many reasons he’s given for the breakups because he simply doesn’t have a good reason. He’s confused!!! But if he is indeed looking for some kind of magic “spark” and to be struck by “feelings” then I feel that maybe he needs to feel that with someone else. And then when that “spark” fades and he has to deal with the reality of the relationship, perhaps he’ll miss our connection/friendship and all the things that make up a true foundation for love. In all fairness, he felt that spark with me too at one point in time. Regardless that’s HIS journey that I need to let him take.

There doesn’t seem to be enough information to know if your love interest is FA but it does sound like she is suffering some depression and the drugs are causing emotional and likely some mental irregulation. Until she sorts that out, she’s confused and won’t be able to make any solid decisions about how she feels about you. Even if she leans in one direction one minute, she doesn’t have the confidence to trust her own decision.

It’s super hard because it’s where I am currently, but your best move is to let her go (for now) and let her sort out her feelings. The great part about a deep friendship/connection is that it’s harder to find than desire. Maybe she will realize that. The best move is no contact so she can actually experience what life looks like without you, but if you can’t do that then definitely pull back....a lot. She will likely come back and maybe she will be more solid in her decision. I will warn you though, my ex came back a few times and each time it chipped away at our trust and each time I realized I’m not sure if this will ever be something that he can fix. I’m not ok with the back and forth. I want someone who is sure about me. I still cry most days but I’m trying to focus on healing MY mindset and trying to forget about what he may or may not be feeling since it seems to constantly change. And I still think he’ll come back at some point. I’m just trying to get myself in a healthy place before that happens so I can best deal with it. Month to month is not enough time for change. If he comes back years from now then maybe he will have done the work to change but I doubt it. And hopefully with a few years I’ll have healed and moved on. It’s just so sad because when he and I were good....we were so good!

Good luck to you!

alexandra - Thank you for that encouragement! I feel I’m healing pretty well since my first few posts (which as I read, takes me back to that horrible desperation I felt at the time!) but healing is a process and I’m definitely still moving through it. It helps to hear validation from this community who have experienced similar situations since we can’t get validation from our exes.

I felt delusional at the time in saying that I didn’t buy it....but I know in my gut that he has some level of romantic feelings toward me. The issue with him is that he maintains a victim mentality through all of his MANY failed relationships....romantic or otherwise. With his ex wife, her affairs gave him an excuse to continue his victim narrative. With me, he doesn’t have anything. Though I wasn’t perfect, I was a damn good girlfriend to him. And we already share so many mutual friends and they know what’s up. So claiming to not have that spark is really his only option so he doesn’t look like the bad guy in the way he’s handled this whole thing.