Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 2:56:40 GMT
I have a question, for anyone who can help me understand this. I am trying in retrospect to understand what happens with an anxious/fa partner when parting after time together.
My ex partner is a mix of anxious and FA. The split on his test was 30ish secure/ 30ish anxious / 30ish FA. Sometimes we would have a weekend together, other times, our work schedules made it better for me to go back to my place after an evening together, so I could go to bed and get up early. There were times that he would mention he was nervous and couldn't sleep after I left. He would not open up to me about what had him so nervous, but when I asked if it was something between us, he would say he didn't know. I took this to be some kind of unhappiness with the relationship that he was not comfortable addressing. He would just say "I love you." , but wouldn't address the source of his upset.
I understand that nobody here can read his mind, (!) but I am asking for insight into how someone of his attachment type/ combo may react to separation? Is this a stupid question? I would go home and sleep fine, (he would ask, did you sleep well?) having enjoyed an evening with him- and it was upsetting and uncomfortable to me to learn that he was kind of a wreck afterwards. I didn't understand at the time how attachment might have been playing into this. Now I wonder, because it hurt at the time to see him unhappy when I thought things were good. I'm missing something.
I was consistent about contact, and presence. I didn't go dark or need space, our schedules allowed that naturally.
Can anyone shed light on any distress that can happen for a short term goodbye? Thanks in advance, and sorry if it's just a silly question.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2019 3:42:17 GMT
It is well known that departures and renunions can be triggering - even with a Secure partner.
Maybe he dident know and couldent express why and what was going on because he dident know about himself and how he Works and dident know about some of the typical traits about his attatchment style(s).
For some IT can feel like a little stitch in the chest but you can not tell that there is something going on inside the person.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 3:56:34 GMT
I'm speaking from my own experience.
In the darkest times I've had with my ex, I had some silent narrative that while it was good, the times spent together wasn't good enough to make him want to stay, even though it was more practical that he didn't. While I understood logically that a particular arrangement was better, emotionally it felt like I/we weren't good enough for him to put up with some impracticality that I was willing to do because spending time with him was more important than an extra half hour of travelling time. In my mind, I would always put our relationship first while he would always be practical first at the expense of time spent together. For me, I think if we lived in the same place (it was LDR) and saw each other more frequently, I wouldn't have minded the practicality, but we didn't and I hated that he didn't treasure every second we can spend together. In your case, while the context is different, perhaps that narrative holds? Also, the contact and presence help alot in reining in the anxiety, but I think I was triggered by how easily he could leave without any sadness/reluctance - in other relationships, when partners leave, they would express some sentiment of missing each other, usually non-verbally and emotionally. When my ex left it was "ok i'll miss you, bye" but I didn't feel any sort of emotion from him. Now I see it as perhaps it was difficult for him to be in touch with that feeling because it's difficult and painful, and it was easier to just shut it down and box it up.
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 23, 2019 4:07:27 GMT
I have a question, for anyone who can help me understand this. I am trying in retrospect to understand what happens with an anxious/fa partner when parting after time together. My ex partner is a mix of anxious and FA. The split on his test was 30ish secure/ 30ish anxious / 30ish FA. Sometimes we would have a weekend together, other times, our work schedules made it better for me to go back to my place after an evening together, so I could go to bed and get up early. There were times that he would mention he was nervous and couldn't sleep after I left. He would not open up to me about what had him so nervous, but when I asked if it was something between us, he would say he didn't know. I took this to be some kind of unhappiness with the relationship that he was not comfortable addressing. He would just say "I love you." , but wouldn't address the source of his upset. I understand that nobody here can read his mind, (!) but I am asking for insight into how someone of his attachment type/ combo may react to separation? Is this a stupid question? I would go home and sleep fine, (he would ask, did you sleep well?) having enjoyed an evening with him- and it was upsetting and uncomfortable to me to learn that he was kind of a wreck afterwards. I didn't understand at the time how attachment might have been playing into this. Now I wonder, because it hurt at the time to see him unhappy when I thought things were good. I'm missing something. I was consistent about contact, and presence. I didn't go dark or need space, our schedules allowed that naturally. Can anyone shed light on any distress that can happen for a short term goodbye? Thanks in advance, and sorry if it's just a silly question. Not a silly question as you wouldn’t feel the same, but the distress is very real. Short term good-bye or not...yes, extremely triggering. I hate good-byes. I can tell you with me, as an AP, I’m triggered in time and space away from my partner. Nothing triggers me more. Real or perceived distancing triggers me. Now I understand it as anxiety but before studying attachment I couldn’t even put my finger on the feeling- I just knew I felt unsettled, restless and discontent in time and space...with a deep longing to reconnect. A longing that would not subside or be satisfied fully w anything or anyone else besides my partner. It may be important for you to know too, it was nothing my DA did to trigger me, it was my own insecurities and fears that caused me to feel discontent and unhappy. When we were together he was consistent as the sunrise and sunset and I still got triggered. There was nothing he could’ve done to be more reassuring of his presence and love in my life. A simple incidence comes to mind- reminds me of how you described your ex not being able to sleep...one night he had his kids and I went out for dinner with a friend. Upon coming home I was unable to reach him to say good night. He answered and hung up his phone on me in his sleep- he’s a very deep sleeper. I still recall the panic I felt in my chest as he mumbled hello and then hung up. I remember where I was standing in my house at the moment and the sick feeling in my chest as it occurred to me I’d have to go to bed without touching base. I slept horrible that night- completely distracted and restless. He said good night via text or phone every night and this absence fully triggered me. Something this simple would throw me for a tailspin. The disconnect is the worst feeling, along with actual abandonment and rejection. My feelings were my own issues and were no reflection of him. There was nothing he could’ve said or done more than he was already doing at that point- whenever I was in a relationship I always felt I wanted more, cared more, and relied on my partner to make me happy. It wasn’t until this relationship that I actually felt a partner loved as much as I did- and it felt wonderful...until he left. Feeling that I care, invest and give more is a problem as I overinvest, overthink and overreact. I held my partners to impossibly high standards to be there for me and not just be in my life, but become the center of my life. The feeling of wanting to be close and closer still normally felt unreciprocated and now in my self-awareness I see how unrealistic that was and how much pressure that put on my partner. My ex DA wasn’t the first to say he felt I wasn’t happy in our relationship, when the truth was I was happy with him, and it was the most loved and happiest I’ve ever felt with any person, but he was seeing the effects of my anxiety and taking it personally. It was his observation that I wasn’t happy that proceeded his first mention of a break. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Feb 23, 2019 4:08:50 GMT
I think @shiningstar has a good answer. I also think that when an unaware FA type tells you they don't know, it's generally the truth. They are very disconnected from themselves and their own emotions and may not understand them or can't communicate them. I've written on the boards before that my FA ex flat out told me in sincere frustration during one of his biggest anxious triggered nights while we were reconciling that he does not understand his own motivations. He was really a wreck, sharing his feelings for me but how overwhelmed he was in general by his own ambivalence.
As AP, I also agree with the above "I was triggered by how easily he could leave without any sadness/reluctance - in other relationships, when partners leave, they would express some sentiment of missing each other, usually non-verbally and emotionally. When my ex left it was "ok i'll miss you, bye" but I didn't feel any sort of emotion from him." I've been triggered anxious by the same, whether true or simply perceived. Some of it is expectations I had of the evening, too. If the plan changed and wasn't what I had in my head, and we didn't spend as much time together as I was expecting, I could get upset about that (but also might feel stupid about being upset about it because it seemed unreasonable so would want to hide that I was upset about it).
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 4:49:54 GMT
Thank you, everyone, for these replies. Oh my gosh. This makes me very sad. I have some more questions.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 5:25:08 GMT
Ok. There is a lot here that I did not understand, when I was experiencing him and his anxiety during the relationship. anne12 , he didn't know his attachment type during the relationship. He and I discussed it only recently and I sent him a test. I thought he was just unhappy with the relationship, unhappy with me. You mentioned that reunions can be triggering also? I noticed that when we would greet each other he didn't seem happy to see me and it hurt my feelings because I always felt happy to see him and would like to give him a big hug. He seemed somehow annoyed or standoffish, which I took to be just a grumpy mood or something on his mind. I tried not to take it personally but it wore on my confidence in the relationship. And, when I have read about parting being triggering, even for short amounts of time, I thought that meant, say, if we would normally have a weekend together but for some reason we couldn't, so it would be an unusual time apart but only a small change. Or, if someone had to travel for work for a few days, so a routine was broken. I had no idea that the parting of a normal day could be triggering. Is that what everyone is saying? That even a goodnight or goodbye with the plan to see each other the next day could be triggering? @shiningstar thank you for your explanation, I know you two were long distance, that must have really been for you, considering this aspect. alexandra, you concurred... and from what I understand, you weren't long distance, so this perceived lack of emotion or missing can happen in a regular contact relationship also? I was always huggy and kissy on both hello and good bye. I wasn't anxious obviously but always did think of him and look forward to seeing him. I wonder now, if he just felt so much anxiety about it and saw nothing of the same sort in me so felt that he "outmissed" and "outloved" me. He did often verbalize, once we were settled in to our time, that he missed me so much when I was gone. Now I am wondering if he just felt over the top needy and embarrassed by that. He is, as I think I have mentioned, in a position of leadership in a profession that involves keeping the peace with weapons and tactical gear. His profession requires incredible courage and stabilty which he possesses in abundance in that area, and he is very well known and respected as a leader of many who work under him. This information you all are sharing reveals what may have been a very distressing vulnerability in him. It punches me in the heart to see it this way, I thought he was just unhappy with our relationship, like it just didn't fit the bill for him. faithopelove, that is extremely sad that you actually felt happy and loved but he couldn't see that, and that he ultimately cited your unhappiness as a reason to break. I've done the same. I really felt discouraged and disillusioned about his discontentment and thought I just wasn't what he wanted, like time had eroded his feelings for me, which showed in his actions. Especially when he didn't seem happy to see me when we reunited. Can anyone help me understand that more, how that could be? Is that an Ap or Fa aspect? I would have thought that if absence is distressing, reunion would be a wonderful relief. Is this not so? I don't understand.  Again, thank you all for explaining. This is really sad for me to process actually. I totally misread all of this. I felt misled and confused eventually, by the mixed messages. Anyway I think it will help me to understand. I want to be able to see things as closely to as they actually were, as possible. He isn't able to articulate it for me. I understand that would be very difficult for him in light of all this. Is this why AP blame themselves? Because they are overwhelmed and feel challenged and challenging and as though it is their fault and they can't help it at all?! I mean, I understand the powerlessness over deactivation but the whole avoidant thing mutes feelings and attachment. I'm starting to get a glimpse of how the opposite would be very very difficult. To feel intense feelings of attachment and also fear driving your loved one away with the intensity of the anxiety and panic. I don't want to misspeak though so I'm sorry if I am twisting that in any way. It makes me quite sad to realize he may have been feeling this way, it looked very very different from the outside especially in light of the pushing. And sometimes, perhaps protest behavior? I cannot say what was what but outwardly it looked like he was very unhappy although he expressed his love verbally all the time, and was very affectionate when relaxed. Its difficult to grasp all of it but thanks for explaining it. :/ |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 6:34:58 GMT
Ok. There is a lot here that I did not understand, when I was experiencing him and his anxiety during the relationship. anne12 , he didn't know his attachment type during the relationship. He and I discussed it only recently and I sent him a test. I thought he was just unhappy with the relationship, unhappy with me. You mentioned that reunions can be triggering also? I noticed that when we would greet each other he didn't seem happy to see me and it hurt my feelings because I always felt happy to see him and would like to give him a big hug. He seemed somehow annoyed or standoffish, which I took to be just a grumpy mood or something on his mind. I tried not to take it personally but it wore on my confidence in the relationship. And, when I have read about parting being triggering, even for short amounts of time, I thought that meant, say, if we would normally have a weekend together but for some reason we couldn't, so it would be an unusual time apart but only a small change. Or, if someone had to travel for work for a few days, so a routine was broken. I had no idea that the parting of a normal day could be triggering. Is that what everyone is saying? That even a goodnight or goodbye with the plan to see each other the next day could be triggering? >> i think it depends on how anxious one can get. i'm generally ok going to bed and having a routine broken because of travel; my anxiety shot through the roof with a sudden change in investment and demeanor, and never got back to normal even when he 'returned' because there wasn't enough sensemaking and reaffirming and validating to make me trust him again.
@shiningstar thank you for your explanation, I know you two were long distance, that must have really been for you, considering this aspect. alexandra , you concurred... and from what I understand, you weren't long distance, so this perceived lack of emotion or missing can happen in a regular contact relationship also? I was always huggy and kissy on both hello and good bye. I wasn't anxious obviously but always did think of him and look forward to seeing him. I wonder now, if he just felt so much anxiety about it and saw nothing of the same sort in me so felt that he "outmissed" and "outloved" me. He did often verbalize, once we were settled in to our time, that he missed me so much when I was gone. >> yes it can happen in a regular contact relationship also; my relationship with this friend whom I went to IKEA with was of an anxious/avoidant flavor, so i did notice these little vibes as well. it was exacerbated in the LDR because of how little physical contact there was. perhaps you did think and miss him, but he couldn't "catch" you emotionally. my ex would say he did, but it always felt to me that he was just saying it because he had to/should, rather than really feeling it because the emotion behind it was muted. there were rare moments in which i saw the real him and those were what i wanted most times. btw did the huggy and kissy last during the entire interaction? mine was also at the start and at the end, and much less of it in the middle, which was also very weird for me - made me feel used actually.
Now I am wondering if he just felt over the top needy and embarrassed by that. He is, as I think I have mentioned, in a position of leadership in a profession that involves keeping the peace with weapons and tactical gear. His profession requires incredible courage and stabilty which he possesses in abundance in that area, and he is very well known and respected as a leader of many who work under him. This information you all are sharing reveals what may have been a very distressing vulnerability in him. It punches me in the heart to see it this way, I thought he was just unhappy with our relationship, like it just didn't fit the bill for him. faithopelove , that is extremely sad that you actually felt happy and loved but he couldn't see that, and that he ultimately cited your unhappiness as a reason to break. I've done the same. I really felt discouraged and disillusioned about his discontentment and thought I just wasn't what he wanted, like time had eroded his feelings for me, which showed in his actions. Especially when he didn't seem happy to see me when we reunited. Can anyone help me understand that more, how that could be? Is that an Ap or Fa aspect? I would have thought that if absence is distressing, reunion would be a wonderful relief. Is this not so? I don't understand. >> the reunion is also stressful because the parting after the reunion is going to be painful. as much as i was happy to see my ex, the parting after was always difficult and i had to spend the reunion regulating myself to prepare for the parting. during the reunion i wanted to spend all of it just connecting emotionally but i couldn't because it felt like he didn't want it or it overwhelmed him or he was embarrassed/discomfited by it. and also because he couldn't keep up with the intensity of it, and would disconnect when it got intense e.g., pull away or stop the hug. i wasn't unhappy with him as a person but the relationship was very difficult emotionally because it seemed like i was out-affectionating him. after that i just felt abit of a whore throwing myself at him when he didn't seem to match my intensity of desire for the relationship.
I feel, now, that the emotional to-and-fro was not well-matched. when we first were in love, it was all good because he was expressive and genuine in the emotions. when that phase wore off, it just disappeared suddenly. while i understand that these things decrease over time and we need to live real life, it felt misleading because now i have no idea who this person is since he's emotionally not really present in the relationship anymore. my ex also said he was but it just never felt truly like that - i feel that he was comfortable opening up an emotional space big enough to include me consistently. the outcome of this is i couldn't FEEL his emotions e.g., if he truly missed me, but had to rely mostly on what he says. which is also very maddening because i hear one thing and feel another. I know you've said that you're consistent and present and affectionate, so this might not apply to you.
Again, thank you all for explaining. This is really sad for me to process actually. I totally misread all of this. I felt misled and confused eventually, by the mixed messages. Anyway I think it will help me to understand. I want to be able to see things as closely to as they actually were, as possible. He isn't able to articulate it for me. I understand that would be very difficult for him in light of all this. Is this why AP blame themselves? Because they are overwhelmed and feel challenged and challenging and as though it is their fault and they can't help it at all?! I mean, I understand the powerlessness over deactivation but the whole avoidant thing mutes feelings and attachment. I'm starting to get a glimpse of how the opposite would be very very difficult. To feel intense feelings of attachment and also fear driving your loved one away with the intensity of the anxiety and panic. I don't want to misspeak though so I'm sorry if I am twisting that in any way.
>> you're right. it felt like loving him was a burden to him and that I wasn't good enough to be loved as intensely back by him, or at the very least good enough for him to want to express that love back in open and affectionate ways. also, when i was trying to express these needs, it would be argued against logically (e.g., yes i miss you too i don't understand why i have to keep telling you that) that i cognitively know is legit and acceptable, but emotionally was a rejecting experience (like my needs are illogical and stupid). it was very difficult for me because logically i agree and I couldn't see why I couldn't just keep those needs at bay since he was "meeting" them in his ways. therefore it felt like my fault that i was loving someone who didn't care for or appreciate my love and affection, and that i was sticking around because i was shameless. so it WAS my fault because i stayed even though it wasn't great.
when he came back and tried to do all these nice things for me, i felt distrusting and wary because i didn't know when he would just take them away (since he wasn't working on his inner self, or if he did, i didn't know about it). i didn't want to go back to blindly believing him because i was so traumatized the first time i did and he "abandoned" me through deactivation - so i wouldn't let him in and i wouldn't believe him when he expressed how much he missed/loved me. we didn't address sufficiently (in my view) what had happened before, and i couldn't feel safe and secure that all is well. we couldn't communicate well either, so that was that. i couldn't say it in logical ways or in calm enough ways for him to get it, and it frustrated me that I have to do all the work of explaining myself to him, instead of him looking at himself and asking himself why am i not feeling loved. i thought it should be a two way thing, and it just felt like it was all my fault to start it and my job to fix it. there was also additional frustration that i couldn't explain it well enough, and his confusion just made it worse - like i was the crazy one. i did mention before that we didn't talk enough about what had happened, but I didn't pursue that line of inquiry because he had already explained it (he panicked) and then said there's nothing more to it, it was that simple. it just felt like an impasse.
i wanted to improve the relationship by working on things, but i didn't feel like he demonstrated genuine interest or commitment. after a while it just felt like everything i did/i am was wrong. i can't love intensely but i can't love mildly either; both ways seem to drive my partner away and drive myself crazy. everything i did was not logical to him and his ways, while logical, were emotionally deficit for me. It makes me quite sad to realize he may have been feeling this way, it looked very very different from the outside especially in light of the pushing. And sometimes, perhaps protest behavior? I cannot say what was what but outwardly it looked like he was very unhappy although he expressed his love verbally all the time, and was very affectionate when relaxed. Its difficult to grasp all of it but thanks for explaining it. :/ >> i was very unhappy even though i love him very much. when we are both present and untriggered, we are both affectionate and loving and perfect -- that is what we both wanted, but we couldn't seem to agree how to get there. |
|
|
|
Post by stayhappy on Feb 23, 2019 6:58:22 GMT
I don’t know if I can call it separation anxiety but sleeping together for me is a way to bond and stay connected. I could always sleep together with my DA “partner” in the beginning of our “situationship” until someday he told me that I couldn’t sleep over anymore. I think that it may could be a distanciating strategy because things were going just fine. I refused to accept this, well if I just wanted sex there are plenty of guys out there. Even if we weren’t in a serious relationship I still want a little more than just sex. When I asked why he didn’t want me to sleep over anymore and he said that he can’t sleep well when he is not in love with someone and it’s really important for his job that he is well rested. I told him that I understood his reasons but I needed more than as I prefer to have some kind of bonding with the guy I’m sleeping with. Maybe it can be some kind of separation anxiety but I feel much more complete by saying goodbye in the morning after sleeping beside him . It’s something about the body contact that makes me feel good. And no, we don’t have to hug all night long as I do want to sleep too 😉
He knew I would not accept this so we negotiated! I can sleep over when he doesn’t have to do anything very important at his job. And sometimes now he actually want me stay over when he has something important to do. As a military he has to travel a lot and stay away for weeks sometimes. I miss him while he is away and efter a long time seeing each other now he can text me when he is way “I miss you! See you in some days”. I always felt that he enjoyed my presence and missed me but it feels nice to hear it coming from me. The short goodbyes be easier when I know he is also connected to me.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2019 9:15:45 GMT
Reacting to departing / rejuniting is decribed as a reflex reaction. Some people can even feel a reaction, when their partner turns away from them in their sleep. I do not know for how Long the two of you were together and what kind of relationship you had and how avoidant you acted or how "avoidant you looked" in your face, with your bodylanguage ect. Different people acts in different ways. Something that is triggering one person dosent have to trigger another person. I would say, just because you know about your personel individual mix of attatchmentstyles, and maybe understand it in a logic way and also the feelings behind, the instinctive level can still surprice you, and can kick you in the but. And yes, the ambivalent or the fa part of you can make you grompy, angry, silent, sad, sabotaging the contact ect. when rejuniting. The ambivalent can also loose interest, when the other becomes availible. Lets say you and your partner lived together, and you had to go for a run and do some other stuff outside the home or, had to go on a short business trip or meet with your friends and play golf, then they can have some kind of reaction when you come home again. Even if they think, it is totally fair, they can have this reaction. It can also take some time to settle down ect. In a Long term more stable, more Secure relationship - (more than 1-1 1/2 year) recieving love can take them into their abandoment wound and they can maybe end the relationship or become "difficult". Also when in a more setteled relationship, there is more room for the trauma whirl wind to make noice.(decribed in the "healing desorganized thread") Sometimes it can be difficult to know if someone is reacting from an ap state, a da state or a fa state. It can be a mix. jebkinnison.boards.net/thread/1072/healing-ambivalent-attatchment-tips-tricksA baby in The still face experiment m.youtube.com/watch?v=apzXGEbZht0 |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 13:00:59 GMT
@shiningstar , I think that a LDR with anxious/unaware avoidantbhas got to be possibly the worst case scenario, would you agree? It seems like there would be no way to develop trust at all. As for my relationship, lived nearby and saw each other frequently. And, he is anxious/FA unaware while I've grown a long way to secure and behave in ways supportive to relationship. You had asked, was the kissy huggy present during the visit. Yes, I am a kissy huggy girlfriend, I love to be in physical contact. He did too. I found myself initiating the contact the most though. I like to hold hands, snuggle up, scratch his back, whatever, I'm just a physically affectionate person. I don't recall being that way with partners before I woke up. But early in awareness this aspect of me (always present with my kids) bloomed and I find it very enjoyable. anne12, thank you for directing me to that post. Reading it thoroughly, I see so many things that I can relate to in the relationship. Also, I see that anxious have a very hard time accepting love shown, and that they push it away like FA although it seems the reasoning is different. There are a lot of ways it seems that anxious could look like FA. It's very hard to keep up with and feel good in the relationship, with all the barriers. And, I understand the same is true in relationship with an unaware DA. It's unsustainable in my opinion, and it just doesn't feel rewarding or secure at all, especially reading that once they have settled in, the real danger of them leaving increases. So it really would have felt like continuous unhappiness and then final rejection. I got to where I just let him initiate contact more and plan out visits, since it all seemed to make him unhappy. The stress around me leaving which seemed like just general discontent (every partner has to leave, life is real and you can't be joined at the hip!) and then unhappiness when we would see each other, and then what felt like punishing behaviors when we were together. This all makes it make more sense to me. I was trying perhaps too hard to compensate for what I knew to be my avoidant behaviors in the past, and ironically I was being the most secure and consistent and optimistic about the relationship. It's like my pendulum swung too far. I can understand it. @shiningstar , I can also see something you pointed out. There was no forgiveness, ultimately, for me. While he activated over and over again, when I finally deactivated after really intense either FA push or AP protest (now I am not sure which!) , he never let me live it down. I had one shot to behave in a way wired by MY attachment system that I have worked hard to heal. After that , I was the Abandoner. When he and I would talk after deactivation he could see how his behaviors were overtly rejecting actually, and in direct opposing to his internal feelings of love and wanting the relationship. But he was anxious (it seems like ) every day, and it was impacting his behavior, all the time. I always felt like the moodiness and unhappiness that turns out to be just anxious roller coaster, laid the foundation for eventual deactivation, for me. The anxious stuff chipped away at us, all the time. But I ultimately was blamed for abandoning the relationship. :/ Anyway, I'm not blaming so much as coming to understand why this relationship was so painful for me. Thank you all for giving me the explanations for things I just haven't grasped or been able to understand, as a person who came from (but doesn't reside) on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. |
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Feb 23, 2019 16:41:13 GMT
Well people are complicated ..
He could also be angry, sad ect. about something that he was not able to articulate ect.
Being able to see yourself from the outside and other people from the inside can be important
It is not all ap s that ends relationship when love and the other person becomes fully availible
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2019 16:48:52 GMT
Well people are complicated .. He could also be angry, sad ect. about something that he was not able to articulate ect. Being able to see yourself from the outside and other people from the inside can be important It is not all ap s that ends relationship when love and the other person becomes fully availible I'm sure all insecurely attached who are not aware of it avoid intimacy. That's pretty universal. I didn't know AP's leave when love is available is all I am saying. Either way- it's not the direction I am working toward and I do need to find a partner who is secure or has a lot of awareness and practices to be emotionally authentic and available. That's what we all need. Thank you for your insight. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 23, 2019 17:03:07 GMT
Well people are complicated .. He could also be angry, sad ect. about something that he was not able to articulate ect. Being able to see yourself from the outside and other people from the inside can be important It is not all ap s that ends relationship when love and the other person becomes fully availible I'm sure all insecurely attached who are not aware of it avoid intimacy. That's pretty universal. I didn't know AP's leave when love is available is all I am saying. Either way- it's not the direction I am working toward and I do need to find a partner who is secure or has a lot of awareness and practices to be emotionally authentic and available. That's what we all need. Thank you for your insight. Yes, AP’s have a really hard time letting go- I can attest to that. Space is the opposite of what I want. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Feb 23, 2019 19:09:43 GMT
“he didn't know his attachment type during the relationship. He and I discussed it only recently and I sent him a test. I thought he was just unhappy with the relationship, unhappy with me. You mentioned that reunions can be triggering also?”
@nullified - I never experienced triggering with a reunion. Maybe that’s an FA thing...I’m affectionate too with hugs and kisses at hello, good-bye, hand holding and closeness inbetween- I even want physical closeness when I sleep!! I love that. My trigger would be space and time apart, our routines being changed for some reason so we couldn’t be together or my partner’s distancing. When I take the partner attachment test, I score high anxiety with low avoidance, so that may explain it.
|
|
