Post by lovebunny on Feb 25, 2019 15:09:25 GMT
So glad to have found this forum.
I'm mid-40's, female, an only child of benignly neglectful, emotionally immature parents who are still together. I feel closer to Father than Mother, but neither of them are made up of the same emotional stuff as me. I fit the definition of a Highly Sensitive Person. My mother, especially, is fairly emotionally flat and doesn't "get" me at all.
My very early experiences with men were mostly healthy, my first serious boyfriend in highschool was a model of secure attachment, but we broke up when I went away to college.
In my late teens, I came out as bisexual and pursued women. My early experiences with the fairer sex were brutal, I fell in love with a series of women willing to sleep with me, though they ultimately wanted to be with men. I was in a lot of polyamorous and open relationships. In my early 20's, I was in a threeway relationship with my girlfriend and her boyfriend that lasted almost 2 years. They are still together, married now. Then, I had a boyfriend who had a boyfriend. I think I was trying to teach myself detachment, and about abundance. Of course, relationships like this are hard, and we were all young and did a lot wrong. Between relationships, I was often dangerously promiscuous.
In my early 30's, I decided to try being with someone who wanted to be with me and only me. I "settled down" and married a hard-drinking, brooding chef. I was with him for 16 years. He was loyal, kind-hearted, and he loved me as best he could, but he was a workaholic, alcoholic, and cocaine addict. I often felt neglected in our marriage, and I had to take on all the emotional work for both of us. No kids, I didn't think they'd be a good idea. It was not a bad marriage, but not a great one either.
In my early 40's, I met a woman and fell for her. I begged my husband to open the marriage so I could date her. He did, reluctantly. The woman turned out to be NPD, it ended badly after 5 months but I obsessed over her 3 years. After she and I broke up, I used my open marriage to have a few purely sexual relationships with hot men outside the marriage, but I still wasn't satisfied. Unfortunately, by my husband was miserable, and I had drifted too far away to return to him. I completely emotionally detached from the marriage. We separated 4 1/2 years ago, he is now a heroin addict.
My serious relationships since my marriage ended have consisted of a Peter Pan guy for 8 months, then a BPD/bipolar/schitzo-affective lesbian on-and-off for 2 1/2 years. She loved me, but was not healthy enough to sustain a relationship. It was one of the most grueling experiences of my life, but it also opened my heart so deep. Maybe it's the first time I understood what unconditional love feels like inside my body. She was/is in and out of rehab, psyche facilities, and I just learned she's got 3 years probation for battery on the woman she lived with after me.
I really feel more drawn to women than men at this point in my life--they're like this problem for me I've never been able to solve! I get so obsessed with them, and keep falling for emotionally unavailable (to me) women.
For 4 months, I've been dating a woman that at first seemed like a gift from the universe. Gay, no recent girlfriends, no personality disorders, mental illnesses, or substance addictions! Totally into me! At first, I thought her securely attached, but now I'm seeing she's much more Fearful Avoidant. I recently posted about our recent breakup and possible makeup on the FA board. I'm setting boundaries with her now by refusing to remain in a psuedo-relationship a.k.a. "just hanging out." I am not up for another relationship where one or both of us isn't emotionally available. I really want to do things differently from now on.
I've been the Avoidant in some relationships, especially with men. Far more often, I'm Anxiously Attached, especially with women. I get obsessed with unavailable women, and make myself absolutely lovesick over them. Unfortunately, the men I pick seem to have their own kind of unavailability, and I'm never able to feel as passionately for them as with the women.
Happy to be here listening to other's stories and learning.
