So as an AP how do I stop repeating my patterns?

glenjo99 I'm going to repeat exactly what I said in your last thread. It's better to heal in a stable and secure relationship, not a casual one where the guy isn't committed enough (to you or to growth) or a new relationship that's a potentially AP/DA combo.

I'm going to add this time that it's preferable to do it with someone either securely attached or slightly insecurely attached but aware and also working on it or having already done a lot of the work.

The point is NOT that the relationship heals you, though. You need to do the work on your own to heal yourself (it's doable and worth it, but there's a lot of work and it's painful). Being in a stable relationship helps because it won't trigger you further while you're doing the work, and you can observe how it feels to have a healthier partner who is responsive to your needs and recondition your nervous system somewhat with the new experiences. However, this is also not fully necessary when you begin your process because you can establish the types of positive reconditioning relationships with people who are not romantic partners, such as a therapist, support group members, or friends.

The important part is the consistency and it not being an insecurely attached and triggering relationship. For someone AP or FA, it's very important to work on self acceptance / sense of self and identity / learning to trust yourself, because one problem for anxious types is inability to self-regulate emotions and desiring external help to do so. Since no one can actually do that for you, that's one reason it's not just about having the right romantic partner -- because the trick is, until the AP or FA insecurely partner starts the work, they'll subconsciously keep attracting and only being attracted to unavailable partners who will keep triggering the cycle.