Just 48 hours are turining me into AP

gygal
New Member

Posts: 5

Just 48 hours are turining me into AP Feb 26, 2019 23:11:05 GMT

Quote

Post by gygal on Feb 26, 2019 23:11:05 GMT

I'll try to be as brief as possible as I really need some advice right now. Bear with me please

I've been really close friends with this woman for 3 years. January last year she broke up with her GF of 5 years (distance relationship from start) on mutual grounds due to GF developing bipolarity due to untreated depression.

A couple of months later she told me she liked me (which I reciprocated) but as the breakup was recent and she was stressed with her PhD, she needed time. I was secure so I told her that it was understandable and that she could take her time. Cut to last August and after much flirting, "things" happened between us. Around 3 weeks later, she told me that she was feeling like she was jumping from one relationship to another and that we should keep things casual for the time being. I understood that some people would need more time and that as we made some progress, it was OK to take things slow and just be patient.

By October she started taking antidepressants as she was having bad anxiety attacks and nightmares due to the PhD and rough issues with her family. These pills she was prescribed made her emotionally numb (it seems that it is not an uncommon side effects for these type). One day I kissed her and I felt like she was not fully comfortable, so I asked her and she explained thee whole issue. I told her that from then on, while she was feeling like this, I would not approach her physically unless she'd tell me.

By January she changed pills, and even though she was feeling more like herself, she was still struggling. One day after a concert, she texted me:

Her - What if when I get better I don't have any feelings for you?

Me - I guess there's a chance for that happening, but usually this medication numbs the feelings, they don't make them disappear.

Her - I want you to promise me something. That no matter what we'll still have each other and you will not abandon me.

Me - I can promise you that because we are very close friends but I have one ask: that once you feel better, you'd give us a chance.

Her - I hear you and I will try to make myself better so we can give this a chance

And then 3 weeks ago came the 48 hours where I suddenly started becoming AP...

After a night out with some of her friends and as she said that she did not go home, I offered her to stay in my place. As she was still not well, we went to bed and I was going to go to sleep. She came to my side and after embracing me for a bit, started the seduction game. Before I engaged I asked her if she was OK with it and she that she was, so "things happened".

The next day she was approaching me in a caring and loving way, cuddling and grabbing me and I reciprocated (she even said that we could never be just friends. When I arrived her home after I gave her a lift back home, I texted her to let her know I arrived (as she asked). This conversation was Sat-Sun:

Me - I had a amazing day. Thank you!

Her - Me too. You make me feel joy again, safe and secure.

Me - I'm glad because you make me feel happy too. And I know that you're struggling, but it's great that you are feeling bit by bit more like yourself and that we could have this time together. I can feel that spark in you again.

Her - The drugs (***she's talking about half a line of coke and a joint. I don't do drugs, but she does sometimes, even though I explained that it is very bad to mix with antidepressants***) I took make me feel more affectionate, but I'm sorry to say I did not feel that spark.

Me - I acknowledge that you don't have any feelings for me but I'm still here for you.

Her - Thank you for that, you're amazing. I feel more like myself and I will try to work on the rest. But don't miss on other good opportunities in life. I want you to be happy and loved the way you deserve.

Me - XX

By Monday morning I was a total mess. I turned from secure to very anxious in just 48 hours. That afternoon she texted me (I promise it's the last convo):

Her - Are you mad at me?

Me - No. I know that this is something you cannot control and you are still the same great person. I will just be more open to other things as well. Are you worried?

Her - Yes very

Me - Why

Her - That I would lose you or hurt you.

Me - You're not losing me don't worry. It's not that easy to get rid of me.

Her - I can't imagine my life without you

Me - You're not losing me, please stop imagining that

And this is the last time we spoke about it. Last Saturday at my birthday party, I could feel that she was somehow more emotionally guarded. So at this point I'm trying to remain cool but I am starting to lose it because I do not understand what's going on> Is it just the fear of losing a close friend or is it the fear of losing a chance with someone she has feelings for (I don't believe the drug's excuse, they might last the night but not full 20 hours).

Should I bring up the subject as I don't have a clue where we stand now or should I just chill as it would be counterproductive in the long run? I don't know anyone who would say something like "I can't imagine my life without you" if there was only friendship feeling (at least not with those exact words. The not know is making me anxious but I want to hold to that bit of secure me as much as I can.

Thanks for your input and for your incredible patience after reading this

faithopelove
Honored Contributor

Posts: 1,170

Just 48 hours are turining me into AP Feb 27, 2019 0:43:46 GMT via mobile

Quote

Post by faithopelove on Feb 27, 2019 0:43:46 GMT

There’s a lot in you’re post that someone could comment on and I’m sure others will weigh in, but I would stop and not pass go at the point she said she did not “feel the spark.” You acknowledged she has no feelings for you. That point. Stop. You’re on a different page and feel different ways so you’re going to have ongoing conflict and misalignment....and why settle for someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings? I’d let go. Look for someone who feels the same. None of the rest matters. Sorry

leavethelighton
Honored Contributor

Posts: 792

Just 48 hours are turining me into AP Feb 27, 2019 0:50:15 GMT mrob, alexandra, and 1 more like this

Quote

Post by leavethelighton on Feb 27, 2019 0:50:15 GMT

Honestly, on a board like this "the spark" is not a trusted concept-- it can stem from insecure attachments or unrealistic expectations.

However, it also isn't healthy for you if she's giving you the runaround.

I think it makes sense to spend some time together, see how things are are she adjusts to her new medications, but also give a time limit by which if there isn't a more genuine romance you will work to emotionally extricate yourself from wanting her.

faithopelove
Honored Contributor

Posts: 1,170

Just 48 hours are turining me into AP Feb 27, 2019 1:34:16 GMT via mobile

Quote

Post by faithopelove on Feb 27, 2019 1:34:16 GMT

Feb 27, 2019 0:50:15 GMT leavethelighton said:

Honestly, on a board like this "the spark" is not a trusted concept-- it can stem from insecure attachments or unrealistic expectations.

However, it also isn't healthy for you if she's giving you the runaround.

I think it makes sense to spend some time together, see how things are are she adjusts to her new medications, but also give a time limit by which if there isn't a more genuine romance you will work to emotionally extricate yourself from wanting her.

“Spark” may trigger some association with attachment wounds- I mean when someone acknowledges they don’t have feelings for you, you should believe them.

Last Edit: Feb 27, 2019 1:34:33 GMT by faithopelove

gygal
New Member

Posts: 5

Just 48 hours are turining me into AP Feb 27, 2019 12:11:58 GMT

Quote

Post by gygal on Feb 27, 2019 12:11:58 GMT

Feb 27, 2019 1:34:16 GMT faithopelove said:

Feb 27, 2019 0:50:15 GMT leavethelighton said:

Honestly, on a board like this "the spark" is not a trusted concept-- it can stem from insecure attachments or unrealistic expectations.

However, it also isn't healthy for you if she's giving you the runaround.

I think it makes sense to spend some time together, see how things are are she adjusts to her new medications, but also give a time limit by which if there isn't a more genuine romance you will work to emotionally extricate yourself from wanting her.

“Spark” may trigger some association with attachment wounds- I mean when someone acknowledges they don’t have feelings for you, you should believe them.

I understand all your points and they are all very valid and useful. Thank you! I will try to start the healing process move back to a more secure mindset.

But I would like to make sense of how someone seems so emotionally loving in a romantic way one minute and when you acknowledge that to them, close off completely, plus just hours later say something so intense like "I cannot imagine my life without you". I find that sentence in itself quite a statement. I would understand the fear of losing a friend (even if they promised they would not disappear), but I would (and asked some people for context) phrase it in a more specific way to make sure the person with feelings would not take it out of context (i.e. "I'm scared of losing such a close friend", "I don't know what I'd do without your friendship").

Have you had similar experiences? Would you know if this is a normal pattern for avoidants?

mrob Honored Contributor Posts: 1,255	Just 48 hours are turining me into AP Feb 27, 2019 22:05:07 GMT via mobile Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by mrob on Feb 27, 2019 22:05:07 GMT In a word, yes. Check out my first lot of posts and you’ll see how it all planned out, through an FAs eyes.

alexandra
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,014

Just 48 hours are turining me into AP Feb 28, 2019 1:15:39 GMT via mobile

Quote

Post by alexandra on Feb 28, 2019 1:15:39 GMT

Second that. I've been through cycles with fearful avoidants. There was a point to which they were helpful for me to learn and heal, but past that point it's left me with some new baggage though I discarded my older baggage (now, more distrustful of intentions of new partners until proven otherwise). Also, the cycles cause a lot of pain.

Last Edit: Feb 28, 2019 1:15:59 GMT by alexandra

Post by gygal on Feb 26, 2019 23:11:05 GMT

Post by faithopelove on Feb 27, 2019 0:43:46 GMT

Post by leavethelighton on Feb 27, 2019 0:50:15 GMT

Post by faithopelove on Feb 27, 2019 1:34:16 GMT

Post by gygal on Feb 27, 2019 12:11:58 GMT

Post by mrob on Feb 27, 2019 22:05:07 GMT

Post by alexandra on Feb 28, 2019 1:15:39 GMT