Update

This sounds terribly familiar I'm sorry to say. I feel your position and desire to be close, but this has warning signs all over it based on his words and actions. (He misses you, then runs, admits he’s selfish and not wanting to be attached etc)

I’ve been there and done sex with an ex so I know how much you don’t want his fears and insecurities and unwillingness or inability to NOT be true, but they are very real and true. I was physical with my ex DA for 16 mos- like you I thought low pressure and also low drama would help ease his doubts and make him more comfortable around me and us. I thought it would build trust. I was wrong. Sex never brought him any closer to me emotionally. He only became more comfortable suggesting I come over to his place.

I finally decided to go no contact last month. I won’t be physical without being in a relationship with him, both actively trying to make it work. I was meeting his need for sex, but he’s unwilling to meet any of mine. Are you ok with that? Be careful not to confuse sex with intimacy. It’s not a bridge. A shut down person can have sex and show us to the door feeling no closer to us then they did when we arrived. You need to know your worth and if a guy doesn’t recognize you and value you for the person you are then losing this person is really no loss to you. I’d rather be alone than be with a man I have to chase and accommodate- a man who doesn’t cherish me or think of my feelings.

My advice is to guard your heart. Keep your power. He likely won’t get attached due to his walls and doubts, but there’s a good chance you’ll grow more attached as you try to hang on. I regret being with my ex physically since the break, but I won’t give him my power anymore. Remember, when a man wants something he goes for it. Don’t chase. Don’t compromise your standards. Know your worth 💗

Thank you so much for your reply. I guess what’s hard is I know he has feelings for me so and he is blocking them out. We’ve been on this roller coaster for two years so I know it’s real what we have. Im okay with how things have been... I just don’t know how to deal with moving? I know we both aren’t seeing other people which is what I care about.

I also rode this roller coaster with my ex for 2 years. I also know his feelings are real and we also were exclusive. All those facts made it EXTREMELY hard to step away; however, no matter how he feels about me, the fact remains that he isn’t willing to step up and be reconciled as a couple. He wasn’t willing to face his issues and attempt self-growth. His feelings are there, but buried beneath fear, doubts and denial. Some people choose to live in denial rather than face the work of reality. Issues hurt. Confronting change hurts. It’s easier for my ex to sit back and choose to be alone- no commitment and seeing me whenever I reach out to him. That was very easy for my ex. Those were his terms.

However if you want a true partnership and relationship then meeting up and sharing sex won’t lead to it. The move will create more physical distance in your relationship. At this point you already have emotional distance, so you will also lose the proximity. In the end, the move could be a blessing if it breaks a hurtful cycle.

I decided to go no contact because I could no longer continue to offer my body to someone who showed zero interest in pursuing a relationship with me. He wasn’t seeing others and I would’ve stopped immediately if he was, but my expectations in a man go beyond fidelity. I wanted a person who also was willing to connect outside the bedroom. Two people having each other’s backs in the trenches. I wanted the guy back who brought me flowers every two weeks and held me all night long. I wanted the guy who opened up and expressed his feelings to me and told me he wanted me by his side always. That guy was gone. He only offered below his waist to me. No doubt my ex has feelings, but what good are feelings if they’re buried so deep that the person refuses to act on them? It’s like having a winning lotto ticket and never cashing in.

The way I see it, there’s no harm in going no contact. If it’s meant to be then time and space could give him impetus to work things out. If during the silence your ex moves on with someone else or doesn’t want to see you anymore then he didn’t love you as much as you thought. Time is the best test.

I regret not standing by my boundaries. I deserve that. I won’t let my anxiety hold onto something that isn’t happening naturally and I’m trying to force. The moment our exes left us, they were thinking of themselves. Now we need to think of what we want and need. If casual sex is it for you, then this could be a good arrangement, regardless of his move. You can meet up when he visits.

We’re a bit older! 44 and 42. Both divorced with children. If I was looking to marry and have children I would’ve been motivated to walk away sooner. I just never wanted casual sex. I felt like a fake bc my actions didn’t align with my behavior. He wouldn’t talk about us except to give me various excuses: in a weird place, hard time trusting, focused on his kids etc

And I hear ya- we live a mere 5 miles apart. He’s literally one turn away yet he chooses to sit home alone night after night when he doesn’t have his two kids. It kills me and I don’t get it. I’ll never understand it. That’s why I had to step away.

For many of us, the absurdity of the roller coaster became enough that we chose to exit the ride. As it is currently, you've purchased the ticket, read the fine print, approved your investment and participation, and strapped yourself in. Just take it as it comes, it will be as crazy going forward as it has been to date, with a man stating he feels so guilty for how he's treating you that he doesn't want to continue. Where you get the idea that you have a future with him, I have no idea.