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Avoidants
Mar 27, 2019 5:06:22 GMT
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Post by kathy94 on Mar 27, 2019 5:06:22 GMT
Do Avoidants even know at first that they have this disorder?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2019 6:58:29 GMT
I feel as there are so few contributing to the this site and from what I have read I would think not.
I have a very avoidant side with friends and family and avoiding feels very comforting safe and familiar.
I would not have been looking to label those feelings as it doesn't seem to bother me being like this in those relationships.
I came to this site as I fell in love with an avoidant man and became extremely anxious and preoccupied and within a very short time felt like I was losing my mind.
My ex partner seems to be the other way, he doesn't avoid his family or friends at all, except one of his brothers who he clashes with but is very avoidant in intimate relationships.
If he feels towards me the way I feel towards my family and friends then that is terrifying for me as it basically means he's more comfortable out the relationship than in.
He has kind of shown that anyway as he has left me 5 times in 15 MTHS.
This is just my experience and I can't really speak for anyone else.
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 27, 2019 10:38:30 GMT
No, mine does not. That said, he knows hes 'off'.
He is now aware attachment exists though but he has no interest in changing it at this time or has even looked up attachment. He even has general anxiety and knows he can go to a DR for help and does not. Hes admitted that. he knows he needs to get away from his toxic mother and he can, he does not even live in the same city but still keeps on with her. Hes admitted the needing to get away from mom but does nothing to change that either.
He has not hit his 'bottom' yet to want to change.
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Deleted
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Avoidants
Mar 27, 2019 10:57:00 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2019 10:57:00 GMT
No, mine does not. That said, he knows hes 'off'. He is now aware attachment exists though but he has no interest in changing it at this time or has even looked up attachment. He even has general anxiety and knows he can go to a DR for help and does not. Hes admitted that. he knows he needs to get away from his toxic mother and he can, he does not even live in the same city but still keeps on with her. Hes admitted the needing to get away from mom but does nothing to change that either. He has not hit his 'bottom' yet to want to change. Hitting are personal rock bottom is the most valid point, and only when we one is brought to ones knees then we are desperate enough to look for change. My experience in a few different experiences anyway. |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 27, 2019 11:52:51 GMT
@seabreeze Yes, hes not there, I hope he gets there one day so he can stop living in chaos.
'Projecting' my secure behavior like calm open communication, space etc made him run, the more secure I am with the more he goes avoidant. Just so you know OP there is noting you can do for them, they have to do it for them. Ive seen your posts here. Even me being secure triggered the crap out of him, I swear it triggered him harder/faster.
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Deleted
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Avoidants
Mar 27, 2019 12:04:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 27, 2019 12:04:44 GMT
@seabreeze Yes, hes not there, I hope he gets there one day so he can stop living in chaos. 'Projecting' my secure behavior like calm open communication, space etc made him run, the more secure I am with the more he goes avoidant. Just so you know OP there is noting you can do for them, they have to do it for them. Ive seen your posts here. Even me being secure triggered the crap out of him, I swear it triggered him harder/faster. Just shows you can't believe everything you read on the internet š¤£ Isn't the cure for all insecures a secure who will put all our wrongs right. I mean come on, you are living proof of this baloney. |
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Post by 8675309 on Mar 27, 2019 16:25:07 GMT
Secure partners can work if they are self aware and want to work together. He knows I am and I was trying to work with him but it does not matter because he does not want to make the changes yet so it wonāt work.
I think he is not used to secure so he goes avoidant āharderā. Heās not used to calm open talking and has dealt with chasing and protesting/lash outs. Heās questioned why I donāt chase... because itās not healthy! You donāt chase what wants to run. I said to him why would I chase a guy that vanished for weeks with no warning and acts completely disinterested? Would you chase a girl that acted like that? His answer was no! Lol interesting he would not but expects it...
His assumptions are the worse part.... He totally assumed things, untrue things about me and doesnāt say anything and just avoids instead. I was done with that over his other behavior. That drove me more ābattyā than his in/out BS. Itās like he sees as a big fat liar when I stayed consistent and open with him.
Surely shows secure does not mean jack if the other is not ready/aware.
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Post by alexandra on Mar 27, 2019 16:28:30 GMT
@seabreeze Yes, hes not there, I hope he gets there one day so he can stop living in chaos. 'Projecting' my secure behavior like calm open communication, space etc made him run, the more secure I am with the more he goes avoidant. Just so you know OP there is noting you can do for them, they have to do it for them. Ive seen your posts here. Even me being secure triggered the crap out of him, I swear it triggered him harder/faster. Just shows you can't believe everything you read on the internet š¤£ Isn't the cure for all insecures a secure who will put all our wrongs right. I mean come on, you are living proof of this baloney. No, that's not the "cure," and I've written about that here before. People don't heal because of other people, they heal because they decide to do the work for themselves. You can have a secure attachment with a particular person and experience stability with them but still have an unhealed insecure attachment style overall. However, once you are trying to do the work, it helps to have a secure attachment style partner so that you aren't getting additionally triggered and sidetracked or stuck in toxic patterns. The trick is that having a secure attachment style means your relationships with others are actually about the interactions with that other person and are not full of biased projections that have little to do with them and much more to do with baggage. But it doesn't eliminate all problems or incompatibility. Each partner still has ownership for themselves, but two secures shouldn't be bringing unjustified fears of abandonment or intimacy to the table. |
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Avoidants
Mar 27, 2019 18:12:22 GMT
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Post by anne12 on Mar 27, 2019 18:12:22 GMT
IMO the real challenge is when you are in a more normal relationship with a more or less secure person. It takes about 1-1,5 year to get the attatchmentsystem to percieve the partner as permanent.
This is when there Will be more room for the attatchment trauma to kick your but/there is more room for the trauma whirlwind to make noise in a more secure relationship.
Then you Will be tested in your ability to recieve/give love, state your needs and set your boundaries ect.
If you are with a secure partner the effect of being with a secure Will often show after 2-4 years.
(An attatchment therapist)
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Mar 27, 2019 22:50:19 GMT
No, they're not thinking of it as a disorder. We are the way we are (anxious, secure, avoidant) and the only way we realize there's something not right is when we question the way we connect and our relationships. Self-awareness is key IMO Every one is different, not every avoidant is the same, with the same experiences. 8675309 , my ex avoidant is used to the same. Used to being chased, drama, protesting, toxic patterns and lash outs. He also questioned me as to why I didn't chase him. |
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Avoidants
Mar 28, 2019 0:06:59 GMT
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 28, 2019 0:06:59 GMT
No, mine does not. That said, he knows hes 'off'. He is now aware attachment exists though but he has no interest in changing it at this time or has even looked up attachment. He even has general anxiety and knows he can go to a DR for help and does not. Hes admitted that. he knows he needs to get away from his toxic mother and he can, he does not even live in the same city but still keeps on with her. Hes admitted the needing to get away from mom but does nothing to change that either. He has not hit his 'bottom' yet to want to change. Same, my ex DA knows thereās āsomething wrong w him,ā but heās unwilling to explore or address. Avoidants feel very safe and comfortable avoiding. Everything. Anything |
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Avoidants
Mar 28, 2019 0:09:47 GMT
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 28, 2019 0:09:47 GMT
No, they're not thinking of it as a disorder. We are the way we are (anxious, secure, avoidant) and the only way we realize there's something not right is when we question the way we connect and our relationships. Self-awareness is key IMO Every one is different, not every avoidant is the same, with the same experiences. 8675309 , my ex avoidant is used to the same. Used to being chased, drama, protesting, toxic patterns and lash outs. He also questioned me as to why I didn't chase him. I suppose when someone is avoidant and shut down they expect the other person do to all the heavy work. Thatās what I found with mine. If I didnāt initiate then he wouldnāt. The protective walls are his best defense and where he feels safe. |
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Avoidants
Mar 28, 2019 0:14:04 GMT
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 28, 2019 0:14:04 GMT
No, mine does not. That said, he knows hes 'off'. He is now aware attachment exists though but he has no interest in changing it at this time or has even looked up attachment. He even has general anxiety and knows he can go to a DR for help and does not. Hes admitted that. he knows he needs to get away from his toxic mother and he can, he does not even live in the same city but still keeps on with her. Hes admitted the needing to get away from mom but does nothing to change that either. He has not hit his 'bottom' yet to want to change. Hitting are personal rock bottom is the most valid point, and only when we one is brought to ones knees then we are desperate enough to look for change. My experience in a few different experiences anyway. Avoidants tend to cope by participating in addictive behaviors- further pushing down their thoughts and feelings. |
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Avoidants
Mar 28, 2019 0:17:00 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Mar 28, 2019 0:17:00 GMT
My FA ex said this is just who he is. He also knows he is unhappy and something is "wrong with him." But, took this is just who he is even a step further when I brought up attachment theory and to that he said, he didn't know how that was actionable because humans are irrational.
It was a cop out. I'd just told him I'd changed my attachment style (with time and hard work), was not focusing the conversation on him. And we had known each other for a few years by that point, it was a safe enough conversation, but nothing was going to get through.
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hola
Junior Member
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Avoidants
Mar 28, 2019 4:24:06 GMT
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Post by hola on Mar 28, 2019 4:24:06 GMT
youtu.be/vBojJVwAykcThis is part 5 of 5. But it explains about avoidants and anxious attachments. Sheās an excellent therapist and itās like sheās talking to me. So on point.
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