Grateful for FB friend change

happyidiot
Honored Contributor

FA

Posts: 583

Grateful for FB friend change Mar 29, 2019 3:31:15 GMT

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Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 3:31:15 GMT

Mar 27, 2019 22:32:33 GMT tnr9 said:

Today I noticed that my friends page is in alphabetical and so is B’s. This is really huge (and a little scary)...I will no longer know who his top people are (not that that really meant anything,..but it certainly did to me) and I will no longer be able to swirl about how many places lower I am on his list...just owning it. I think this is a really good and necessary change for anyone like me who tends to read into things that honestly have no meaning. Now I just have to deal with the fear that comes with “not knowing what I honestly did not before”.

I'm glad this is helpful. I'm wondering if when you say that you knew it had "no meaning" you meant that you already knew that who someone's "top people" as you call them shouldn't be important and doesn't say anything about your value, or if what you meant was that you comprehend that the order that someone's Facebook friends show up literally doesn't actually mean anything, that it's nearly random (and as good as random for anxiously guessing clues about what the order means)?

In case you meant the former and not the latter, and/or in case it helps anyone else reading this and obsessing over someone's friends list, I'm going to explain how it works. No one's Facebook friends are showing up alphabetically for me right now, so I'm concerned that people will still need to know the truth about how the order of friends lists works.

There are two places you can see a list of someone's friends, and I'm not sure which one you are referring to. If you are looking at someone's profile there is a box that displays 9 friends. Or you can click through to a page that displays all their friends (unless they have it set to private, in which case it will only show mutual friends). In neither case does it mean anything about how much the person interacts with the people who are shown first or who their best Facebook friends are. Any rumors to the contrary are not correct. Trustworthy credible sources, including myself, have tested this.

Now, they are not 100% random either, but they are a mixture of random and the following factors:
- whether the Facebook algorithm "thinks" that showing you those people will get you to use Facebook more
- how recently someone was added as a friend
- if any of them are your mutual friends
- if you have any mutual interests or groups or schools etc with anyone
- if you have looked at the profiles of the people before

What they have nothing to do with:
- how much the person whose profile you are viewing currently interacts with the people publicly or privately

tnr9
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,782

Grateful for FB friend change Mar 29, 2019 15:40:48 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on Mar 29, 2019 15:40:48 GMT

Mar 29, 2019 3:31:15 GMT happyidiot said:

Mar 27, 2019 22:32:33 GMT tnr9 said:

Today I noticed that my friends page is in alphabetical and so is B’s. This is really huge (and a little scary)...I will no longer know who his top people are (not that that really meant anything,..but it certainly did to me) and I will no longer be able to swirl about how many places lower I am on his list...just owning it. I think this is a really good and necessary change for anyone like me who tends to read into things that honestly have no meaning. Now I just have to deal with the fear that comes with “not knowing what I honestly did not before”.

I'm glad this is helpful. I'm wondering if when you say that you knew it had "no meaning" you meant that you already knew that who someone's "top people" as you call them shouldn't be important and doesn't say anything about your value, or if what you meant was that you comprehend that the order that someone's Facebook friends show up literally doesn't actually mean anything, that it's nearly random (and as good as random for anxiously guessing clues about what the order means)?

In case you meant the former and not the latter, and/or in case it helps anyone else reading this and obsessing over someone's friends list, I'm going to explain how it works. No one's Facebook friends are showing up alphabetically for me right now, so I'm concerned that people will still need to know the truth about how the order of friends lists works.

There are two places you can see a list of someone's friends, and I'm not sure which one you are referring to. If you are looking at someone's profile there is a box that displays 9 friends. Or you can click through to a page that displays all their friends (unless they have it set to private, in which case it will only show mutual friends). In neither case does it mean anything about how much the person interacts with the people who are shown first or who their best Facebook friends are. Any rumors to the contrary are not correct. Trustworthy credible sources, including myself, have tested this.

Now, they are not 100% random either, but they are a mixture of random and the following factors:
- whether the Facebook algorithm "thinks" that showing you those people will get you to use Facebook more
- how recently someone was added as a friend
- if any of them are your mutual friends
- if you have any mutual interests or groups or schools etc with anyone
- if you have looked at the profiles of the people before

What they have nothing to do with:
- how much the person whose profile you are viewing currently interacts with the people publicly or privately

I would check his friend page and I would always end up towards the bottom...and yes...I’d think that meant something and I did do research and read what you had above...and although logically it makes sense...gosh, emotionally...how do I put it...I have always been looking for something I have never found with B and that is a feeling of permanence. The relationship with him always felt like glass or a helium balloon...so fragile and easily lost...and I think out of this overwhelming fear...I just kept searching for something to sooth those fears....but I kept finding more and more reasons to be fearful. It always felt like he was half in, he would have a great time and then the doubts would return...and those doubts just killed me. Not that having doubts is wrong...but I never had doubts about him...I knew I wanted to be with him...I knew that no matter what...I would do my best to be there for him. I know that sounds all hallmark and all...but yeh...my parents divorce did impact my view on relationships. So it has been a challenge for me to let him go..far, far harder then any other man I ever dated. And even now...if I get a text or IM from him...it is like a hit of dopamine...the world is ok/safe and my fears release...and the idea of loosing him is terrifying and unacceptable. I realize I did not answer your question so much....I am having a really low day.

hola
Junior Member

Posts: 61

Grateful for FB friend change Mar 29, 2019 18:17:42 GMT

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Post by hola on Mar 29, 2019 18:17:42 GMT

UPDATE: So after 36 days of NC my ex FA contacted me. He said that he didn't know if he was bothering me but that he had been thinking of me and hoped I was doing well. I responded, saying I had been thinking of him too. He went on to apologize and after several exchanges, asked if he could come over to talk.

We talked about how to communicate w/each other and of being mindful. I didn't accuse, or knitpick about who, what, when. What I did ask is what do we do from here? We agreed on having better communication and he said he was going to work on having more physical contact w/me. He did say that he and I had a very good thing and he hadn't felt this "peace" before and didn't want to lose it. I agreed

Round 2 here we go! :-P

alexandra
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,014

Grateful for FB friend change Mar 29, 2019 19:26:52 GMT via mobile faithopelove and hola like this

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Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 19:26:52 GMT

hola, that's great he took some responsibility, but still be careful this time around. When my FA ex and I tried to work things out, before I really understood attachment theory, I also thought it was mainly a communication issue so since we did a lot of work on that, it would go better. While that was part of the issue, the underlying core problems were still his fear and avoidance of his younger emotional trauma and continued unhealthy family dynamics. That fear, and lack of confrontation within himself, led to his set of self sabotaging and damaging behaviors -- the communication and physical intimacy issues were a symptom of that.

I hope he's serious about doing his own individual work and maybe starting therapy if he hasn't already. Otherwise, I'm concerned you'll end up on a loop, no matter what work you have done to heal your own issues in all this.

faithopelove
Honored Contributor

Posts: 1,170

Grateful for FB friend change Mar 29, 2019 19:53:27 GMT via mobile hola likes this

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Post by faithopelove on Mar 29, 2019 19:53:27 GMT

Mar 29, 2019 18:17:42 GMT hola said:

UPDATE: So after 36 days of NC my ex FA contacted me. He said that he didn't know if he was bothering me but that he had been thinking of me and hoped I was doing well. I responded, saying I had been thinking of him too. He went on to apologize and after several exchanges, asked if he could come over to talk.

We talked about how to communicate w/each other and of being mindful. I didn't accuse, or knitpick about who, what, when. What I did ask is what do we do from here? We agreed on having better communication and he said he was going to work on having more physical contact w/me. He did say that he and I had a very good thing and he hadn't felt this "peace" before and didn't want to lose it. I agreed

Round 2 here we go! :-P

hola - Just be careful and guard your heart. FA’s circle back and DA’s shut down. I wonder if the DA is more pessimistic but also realistic of what they’re capable of in a relationship regarding intimacy. Take it slow.

hola Junior Member Posts: 61	Grateful for FB friend change Mar 29, 2019 20:19:13 GMT faithopelove likes this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by hola on Mar 29, 2019 20:19:13 GMT Thank you for your guidance! Let's see what happens....

Post by happyidiot on Mar 29, 2019 3:31:15 GMT

Post by tnr9 on Mar 29, 2019 15:40:48 GMT

Post by hola on Mar 29, 2019 18:17:42 GMT

Post by alexandra on Mar 29, 2019 19:26:52 GMT

Post by faithopelove on Mar 29, 2019 19:53:27 GMT

Post by hola on Mar 29, 2019 20:19:13 GMT