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Post by faithopelove on Mar 31, 2019 23:27:17 GMT
So, I was doing pretty well in no contact. Probably bc I initiated it and it wasn’t a result of a conflict or abandonment. Then after about a month he contacted me and we had some bantering texts for about a week. So far, low key. No drama
Then Friday night we were texting and for some reason I thought it would be a good reason to tell my ex DA what I think a good relationship looks like “the lucky ones” who have each other’s backs etc Then, without waiting, I made it more personal by sending another text about us and our relationship. I way overshared considering we’ve now been casual for 16 mos and in no contact for a month.
I think this is part of the AP compulsion to keep things bottled up then explode. He responded in DA fashion, “This is all too much. I’m exhausted and I think you should move on.” I was so devastated. Felt like I had been dumped all over again. Hurt to breathe again. Anxiety was 10 out of 10. I tried calling and he didn’t pick up. I was in high anxiety repair mode. He ignored texts that night and two the next day. Totally deactivated. 😞
I’ve since stopped contacting. I realize how stupid it was to send a skittish DA something so vulnerable and open via text- I thought I had grown more than that. Disappointed in myself- sent him an apology text in my last text for oversharing and told him two bad days w my ex husband and lawyer prompted me to think about what I wanted in my future and it wasn’t really about him. I did have a stressful two days but still...I totally messed up. I know he views me again as totally unstable despite several months of no drama. Any advice on how to attempt repair?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 31, 2019 23:34:57 GMT
faithopelove, you already know he can't give you what you want and NC was about you not getting him back, so it doesn't sound like you've lost anything here except maybe some pride. Forgive and accept yourself, because the path towards earned secure is 2 steps forward, 1 step sideways, 1 step back, 2 more steps sideways, 1 step forward. You're learning about yourself and honoring and accepting yourself. But you still tried to invite your ex into that conversation when it's an ongoing private conversation with yourself. If you apologized to him for overstepping, because you actually feel like you betrayed your own boundary and are sorry he got the brunt of it when it wasn't about him, then you've done what you can do with him for now and should resume taking space while you figure out how to self regulate your anxiously triggered state. You'll be okay!!! These things happen. ❤
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Post by faithopelove on Mar 31, 2019 23:41:47 GMT
faithopelove, you already know he can't give you what you want and NC was about you not getting him back, so it doesn't sound like you've lost anything here except maybe some pride. Forgive and accept yourself, because the path towards earned secure is 2 steps forward, 1 step sideways, 1 step back, 2 more steps sideways, 1 step forward. You're learning about yourself and honoring and accepting yourself. But you still tried to invite your ex into that conversation when it's an ongoing private conversation with yourself. If you apologized to him for overstepping, because you actually feel like you betrayed your own boundary and are sorry he got the brunt of it when it wasn't about him, then you've done what you can do with him for now and should resume taking space while you figure out how to self regulate your anxiously triggered state. You'll be okay!!! These things happen. ❤ Thanks, alexandra ❤️ You’re right no contact was about me not him, but I felt so foolish and humiliated the next morning for texting what I did. I should have known better- and worse yet it triggered all my anxiety. My whole weekend I was triggered and struggled to self-soothe, eat or sleep. Major steps backward. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get this?! I guess patience with myself and I’ll need a partner who shows grace. I’ll need it. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2019 0:56:02 GMT
faithopelove , you already know he can't give you what you want and NC was about you not getting him back, so it doesn't sound like you've lost anything here except maybe some pride. Forgive and accept yourself, because the path towards earned secure is 2 steps forward, 1 step sideways, 1 step back, 2 more steps sideways, 1 step forward. You're learning about yourself and honoring and accepting yourself. But you still tried to invite your ex into that conversation when it's an ongoing private conversation with yourself. If you apologized to him for overstepping, because you actually feel like you betrayed your own boundary and are sorry he got the brunt of it when it wasn't about him, then you've done what you can do with him for now and should resume taking space while you figure out how to self regulate your anxiously triggered state. You'll be okay!!! These things happen. ❤ Thanks, alexandra ❤️ You’re right no contact was about me not him, but I felt so foolish and humiliated the next morning for texting what I did. I should have known better- and worse yet it triggered all my anxiety. My whole weekend I was triggered and struggled to self-soothe, eat or sleep. Major steps backward. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get this?! I guess patience with myself and I’ll need a partner who shows grace. I’ll need it. Could there also have been a bit of hope in that interaction? I know that every time things seem to be going well with B that I get “hopeful” and in that hope I make decisions that end up hurting me. It is almost like self sabotage...things are good so I will screw it up....only that isn’t how it plays out in my heart...my heart thinks...maybe this time things will be different. Hang in there....we are all this with you and supporting you through it. You are not alone.💕💕 |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 1:48:27 GMT
Thanks, alexandra ❤️ You’re right no contact was about me not him, but I felt so foolish and humiliated the next morning for texting what I did. I should have known better- and worse yet it triggered all my anxiety. My whole weekend I was triggered and struggled to self-soothe, eat or sleep. Major steps backward. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get this?! I guess patience with myself and I’ll need a partner who shows grace. I’ll need it. Could there also have been a bit of hope in that interaction? I know that every time things seem to be going well with B that I get “hopeful” and in that hope I make decisions that end up hurting me. It is almost like self sabotage...things are good so I will screw it up....only that isn’t how it plays out in my heart...my heart thinks...maybe this time things will be different. Hang in there....we are all this with you and supporting you through it. You are not alone.💕💕 Thank you tnr9 ❤️ I guess after all our unrest and the break, most of the time I’m hoping things will go better if not consciously, than at the back of my mind. I think this night I wasn’t really conscious of that though or I probably wouldn’t have fired off 3 emotionally charged texts. Ugh I really should know better bc texting is where I tend to lose my emotional self-control. Disappointed definitely and I didn’t have my kids this weekend so I had 3 long days to dwell on it. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 1, 2019 2:09:30 GMT
Could there also have been a bit of hope in that interaction? I know that every time things seem to be going well with B that I get “hopeful” and in that hope I make decisions that end up hurting me. It is almost like self sabotage...things are good so I will screw it up....only that isn’t how it plays out in my heart...my heart thinks...maybe this time things will be different. Hang in there....we are all this with you and supporting you through it. You are not alone.💕💕 Thank you tnr9 ❤️ I guess after all our unrest and the break, most of the time I’m hoping things will go better if not consciously, than at the back of my mind. I think this night I wasn’t really conscious of that though or I probably wouldn’t have fired off 3 emotionally charged texts. Ugh I really should know better bc texting is where I tend to lose my emotional self-control. Disappointed definitely and I didn’t have my kids this weekend so I had 3 long days to dwell on it. Sending lots of hugs your way. |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 3:31:50 GMT
Thank you tnr9 ❤️ I guess after all our unrest and the break, most of the time I’m hoping things will go better if not consciously, than at the back of my mind. I think this night I wasn’t really conscious of that though or I probably wouldn’t have fired off 3 emotionally charged texts. Ugh I really should know better bc texting is where I tend to lose my emotional self-control. Disappointed definitely and I didn’t have my kids this weekend so I had 3 long days to dwell on it. Sending lots of hugs your way. Thanks tnr9 💝 I know you get it! After all my studying and learning I really don’t know why I thought it was ok to do what I did? |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 1, 2019 4:12:34 GMT
Sending lots of hugs your way. Thanks tnr9 💝 I know you get it! After all my studying and learning I really don’t know why I thought it was ok to do what I did? Triggered behaviors aren't logical to the moment  |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 4:27:22 GMT
Thanks tnr9 💝 I know you get it! After all my studying and learning I really don’t know why I thought it was ok to do what I did? Triggered behaviors aren't logical to the moment - Yes, and in hindsight I think I was feeling more bold and empowered after being in no contact for a month. Instead of walking on eggshells I was speaking my mind. (Granted I went too far and these topics were better for face to face rather than texting.) When he responded that I should move on- I said, “Why? Because I share my feelings?” When he didn’t reply I told him it’s unfair how he keeps me hanging. I didn’t feel hijacked. I felt confident. Nails in a coffin for an avoidant, but I just expressed myself. I haven’t had confidence with him in a long time- didn’t get me anywhere but...in person I would’ve stopped once sentence in based on his looks and his body language. He visibly moves away from such topics. |
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Post by lilyg on Apr 1, 2019 6:33:14 GMT
I can kinda understand. I sent a text like that years ago to a man I dated and it felt... humiliating but at the same time I felt like you, confident.
Step by step, day by day 💕 don't worry about it, I'm sure he's also just triggered, and with time and distance you'll both able to sort your feelings better. Now that you talked about it can you let it go?
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 10:34:47 GMT
I can kinda understand. I sent a text like that years ago to a man I dated and it felt... humiliating but at the same time I felt like you, confident. Step by step, day by day 💕 don't worry about it, I'm sure he's also just triggered, and with time and distance you'll both able to sort your feelings better. Now that you talked about it can you let it go? - Apparently not, I woke up again with that sick feeling in my stomach that makes me to keep sleeping. Sleep is my escape. I recognize it- the abandonment feeling. This happened twice before with him when he walked away. Yes, I was feeling confident until I realized he shut down and wouldn’t acknowledge my texts- then the anxiety and feeling of abandonment hit me all at once. It physically hurts I guess as sick as the AP feels is as numb as the avoidant feels. |
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Post by lilyg on Apr 1, 2019 10:49:37 GMT
I can kinda understand. I sent a text like that years ago to a man I dated and it felt... humiliating but at the same time I felt like you, confident. Step by step, day by day 💕 don't worry about it, I'm sure he's also just triggered, and with time and distance you'll both able to sort your feelings better. Now that you talked about it can you let it go? - Apparently not, I woke up again with that sick feeling in my stomach that makes me to keep sleeping. I recognize it- the abandonment feeling. This happened twice before with him when he walked away. Yes, I was feeling confident until I realized he shut down and wouldn’t acknowledge my texts- then the anxiety and feeling of abandonment hit me all at once. It physically hurts I see. I have felt that too. Just a knot in the stomach feeling guilty perhaps? Abandonment is sure difficult to deal with... it's hard to ease it because we want to get close to the person who triggered it, and they of course can't offer support. What can you today to take care of yourself? Maybe with a friend or by yourself. When I feel nervous or exhausted I often go to a bar I love and have a glass of wine while reading a nice book, then I go home and cook something healthy for dinner. |
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Post by 8675309 on Apr 1, 2019 12:18:29 GMT
Just own it, its ok! Reality is you probably just said real things that needed to be said and didnt hold back anymore, its him thats the problem as he cant deal. Remember you got you even if they run and even though it sucks right now. I would not attempt to repair and just own it and keep on with your life, hes not good for you. Your anxious side is triggering repair, stay in your secure because its not worth repair and deep down you know its not. And I know the feeling of being dumped with all over again, I felt that with my guy on a come back thinking it was good for him to run again. This was before I knew about attachment. |
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Post by sissyk on Apr 1, 2019 12:28:51 GMT
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You get permission to be an imperfect human. You have put up with a great deal with him. It shows you something that when you veered off script for him he bolted.
View it as more data. He can not or will not engage on the talking and feeling level which you need and want. The banter worked ok for him if you keep to his script.
Forgive yourself. You didn't blow it. If he is that brittle he was going to pull up drawbridge at first glimpse of need.
Go no contact again. He is just going to annoyed if you attempt more repair. You may reconnect in time and he may have forgotten this chapter. But I wouldn't initiate until you feel you are totally over him as it seems to put you back in the painful dynamic.
Hugs.
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 1, 2019 20:36:22 GMT
I'm sorry you are having a hard time. You get permission to be an imperfect human. You have put up with a great deal with him. It shows you something that when you veered off script for him he bolted. View it as more data. He can not or will not engage on the talking and feeling level which you need and want. The banter worked ok for him if you keep to his script. Forgive yourself. You didn't blow it. If he is that brittle he was going to pull up drawbridge at first glimpse of need. Go no contact again. He is just going to annoyed if you attempt more repair. You may reconnect in time and he may have forgotten this chapter. But I wouldn't initiate until you feel you are totally over him as it seems to put you back in the painful dynamic. Hugs. Thank you sissyk 💜 I was hoping you’d respond bc you are always a voice of reason w sound advice. Right- he absolutely bolted and completely shut down on me at the first glimpse of intimacy. Yes, I overshared and regretted my vulnerable texts, but a less avoidant person could’ve just questioned me, said he’s not ready for that or just laughed at me. He had other options!!! I feel like I can’t be perfect enough for him. I’ve never walked on eggshells before with a romantic partner and it’s extremely hard, hurtful and frustrating. I feel like I can’t do anything right. There’s no grace. This abandonment feeling in my stomach has lasted since Friday night. It feels like a ball of rejection, shame, regret and isolation. It’s really bad, but I do appreciate your response and advice. Hope you’re well sissyk 💞 |
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