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Post by figuringitout on Apr 9, 2019 19:06:49 GMT
Hello all,
I am new to this forum and came across it after reading the book Attached. I just had a break up a little less than two months ago, and I am just becoming familiar with these different attachment styles, which has really been eye-opening for me about what was going on between me and my ex.
For a quick summary: we met and fell deeply in love, moved in a year later, and that's when we began to fall apart. I realize now that he was exhibiting a lot of the avoidant behaviors described in this book, and I was exhibiting a lot of the anxious behaviors. Weirdly enough though, when I take the quiz for us, we both come up as secure (?). We bickered and fought a lot, mostly about inane things, but clearly at the root of it was our difference in how comfortable we were with intimacy and how much we wanted in the relationship (I wanted more). He used work as a way to avoid me and our relationship, he was never present, and I felt very emotionally neglected much of the time, which I expressed in healthy ways to him throughout. He would continue the same behaviors over and over again. By the end, I had no fight left and had started to think of breaking up but still held out hope we could work on things. He had finally agreed to go to a therapist with me (despite 6 months of resistance), but then he ultimately decided he didn't think it would help and so broke up with me. He said that he thinks we are not the ones for each other, that he knows I'm not "his person," and that the reason he wasn't doing things with me because he didn't "feel the way about me that he should have." I had also noticed he had started to focus a lot on my negative traits, which aren't beyond the norm for annoying things you deal with with any partner. I know this is really screwed up, but deep down I do really think he is my person. We both said I love you after one month of dating, which is not normal for either of us. It was so easy and good for a long time, so much so that we moved in together (a first for him).
After the break-up, we ended up living together another two weeks and were civil to one another. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling after talking with a therapist and tried to ask him if he was sure he didn't want to try therapy, even though I ultimately realized that the end of our relationship as it was was for the best. He had a wall up and was very stubborn and said that he had made his decision and that he doesn't foresee regretting it ever. Since he moved out, I have been hardcore grieving. I still love him. Having read this book now, I can see so much that I didn't before. So I guess my question is, do you think it's worth reaching out to him and trying to discuss what I've learned about myself and him from reading about attachment styles? Would it be worth it? I haven't given up on us, though he likely has already since I recently saw he is back on online dating apps, which we met on. Not sure if that matters, but it certainly has been hurtful to see him on it (I joined to see if he had, not because I feel that I am ready for dating again). I think I would be okay either way if he had decided he didn't want to work on things, but maybe it would be helpful for him later too? I dunno, but I wanted to know if anyone else on this forum has tried discussing these things with their ex or has gotten back in touch with an avoidant ex, and if so, what the outcome was?
Thanks for reading!
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 9, 2019 20:09:39 GMT
I don’t know if your ex is dismissive or fearful avoidant, but my ex DA wants nothing to do with talking about attachment styles. It just ignites his defenses even more.
I also researched and found out about attachment after our break, and it has been so helpful and eye opening to me but he’s unwilling to face it. Although my ex seems more closed off than yours- he would never go on a dating site and hasn’t dated since our break over a year ago. The fastest way for him to shut down on me is for me to being up analyzing our relationship. He says this is “just the place he’s in right now.” I accept that or walk.
So, would it be helpful for you to bring up attachment? Probably not bc when a person is done, for whatever reason, they usually don’t want to hear another person’s rationale or justification. Plus, he was closed off to therapy in the past. Also, if he’s exploring dating sites than his interest may be elsewhere already. On the other hand, if you bring it up in the frame of how it’s helped you, and he shuts down or rejects it, you have nothing to lose. Just be careful you won’t be hurt or set back based on his response.
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Post by alexandra on Apr 9, 2019 20:42:23 GMT
figuringitout I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, when someone has dug their heels in like that to actively fight against working things out with you (nitpicking you, working late, not wanting to follow through on therapy, all distancing behaviors), it is very unlikely you'll be able to get through even if you're right (which you probably are). It sounds like he never showed any real interest in working on himself or the relationship once his attachment issues fully activated, and took the easier, "you're not the one" route. People tend to not be ready to confront this stuff until they are in enough existential pain. A lot of people never get there, especially those who cope by avoiding the work as their defense mechanism (though those unable to confront their issues are by no means limited to avoidants!). Just because you've gotten there doesn't mean he will, so it's better to focus on yourself and apply your epiphanies to improve your own life. If you want to reach out, focusing on your issues and what you've learned (but not taking on all the blame!!), you can give it try to put attachment theory on his radar. I did that with my severely FA ex, after 2.5 years on and off, and he was happy to hear me out about my own growth out of AP (honestly, I think it just made him feel superior that I owned up to having issues), but very resistant to confront his own side of things. I didn't tell him anything for him other than the search term "fearful avoidant" and that I hoped he'd look into it. He didn't. He ran away and hopped into another relationship with someone who has tried to break up with him at least twice already... yet doesn't see this as his lifelong pattern of chasing more avoidant women and rejecting available ones. He thinks he's now doing the work with her that he didn't feel like doing with me (he's told me that). So, the results of broaching attachment theory with him have been very disappointing. Not because we didn't get back together again -- that is entirely for the best. But because his response to the entire thing was very belittling and he seems to have positioned my authentic vulnerability as a weakness, and I am over that toxicity. He's not a happy person, and I hoped receiving a starting point (attachment theory) to understanding why he's so unhappy would help him in general as much as it helped me, but it did nothing at the time, and maybe never will. I'm sharing that just so you have another anecdote about a potential outcome, so make sure anything you want to tell him is for yourself and not for him or to get back together -- you can't expect him to react the way you want. I am still glad I had that conversation with my ex because it did help ME continue to move forward. I didn't leave anything unsaid, and I saw more about his character that was incompatible for me (no growth mindset / self awareness / willingness to take instead of deflect responsibility).
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hola
Junior Member
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Post by hola on Apr 9, 2019 20:46:42 GMT
Hello all,
I am new to this forum and came across it after reading the book Attached. I just had a break up a little less than two months ago, and I am just becoming familiar with these different attachment styles, which has really been eye-opening for me about what was going on between me and my ex.
For a quick summary: we met and fell deeply in love, moved in a year later, and that's when we began to fall apart. I realize now that he was exhibiting a lot of the avoidant behaviors described in this book, and I was exhibiting a lot of the anxious behaviors. Weirdly enough though, when I take the quiz for us, we both come up as secure (?). We bickered and fought a lot, mostly about inane things, but clearly at the root of it was our difference in how comfortable we were with intimacy and how much we wanted in the relationship (I wanted more). He used work as a way to avoid me and our relationship, he was never present, and I felt very emotionally neglected much of the time, which I expressed in healthy ways to him throughout. He would continue the same behaviors over and over again. By the end, I had no fight left and had started to think of breaking up but still held out hope we could work on things. He had finally agreed to go to a therapist with me (despite 6 months of resistance), but then he ultimately decided he didn't think it would help and so broke up with me. He said that he thinks we are not the ones for each other, that he knows I'm not "his person," and that the reason he wasn't doing things with me because he didn't "feel the way about me that he should have." I had also noticed he had started to focus a lot on my negative traits, which aren't beyond the norm for annoying things you deal with with any partner. I know this is really screwed up, but deep down I do really think he is my person. We both said I love you after one month of dating, which is not normal for either of us. It was so easy and good for a long time, so much so that we moved in together (a first for him).
After the break-up, we ended up living together another two weeks and were civil to one another. I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling after talking with a therapist and tried to ask him if he was sure he didn't want to try therapy, even though I ultimately realized that the end of our relationship as it was was for the best. He had a wall up and was very stubborn and said that he had made his decision and that he doesn't foresee regretting it ever. Since he moved out, I have been hardcore grieving. I still love him. Having read this book now, I can see so much that I didn't before. So I guess my question is, do you think it's worth reaching out to him and trying to discuss what I've learned about myself and him from reading about attachment styles? Would it be worth it? I haven't given up on us, though he likely has already since I recently saw he is back on online dating apps, which we met on. Not sure if that matters, but it certainly has been hurtful to see him on it (I joined to see if he had, not because I feel that I am ready for dating again). I think I would be okay either way if he had decided he didn't want to work on things, but maybe it would be helpful for him later too? I dunno, but I wanted to know if anyone else on this forum has tried discussing these things with their ex or has gotten back in touch with an avoidant ex, and if so, what the outcome was?
Thanks for reading!
Hello! I'm sorry you're going through this. As an FA, My advice to you is don't contact him and don't discuss attachment styles w/him. He is who he is and he's told you that's where he's at. I know it's hurtful but if he's ever going to bring down walls and talk to you, you need to let HIM contact you. Don't call him, don't text him just to check how he's doing. If he's already on dating sites, then you need to take care of you. Also, an avoidant can make a secure go anxious so don't be so hard on yourself. If there's ever an opportunity for y'all to talk, let him be the one to contact you. |
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Post by figuringitout on Apr 10, 2019 18:28:20 GMT
Thank you all for your responses. I don't know what I need to work through this and if talking to him would set me back. Part of me does think he would be open to discussing this (so long as I do accept partial blame and that I make it clear that it's not because I want to get back together). I don't think I can honestly promise that second half, which thus means that I'd be hurting myself by doing it. However, if like Alexandra said, he shows no growth mindset or willingness to change, that would leave me feeling better about everything because I'd know that is not a person that I could be with.
I'm not sure if he's a DA or FA, but I'm curious to hear what you think. He was very quick to say I love you, very quick to introduce me to his family, he talked about a future with me and said he had hoped to get married one day. He had even committed to the point that we shared accounts, I was on his health insurance, etc. I went to all of his family and work functions. Are these things an avoidant person does? Did we just bring out the worse in each other (me - anxiety, him - avoidance) once we moved in together?
As for not contacting him, do you think he will eventually get in touch with me again so I can have these conversations? Couldn't his being on dating sites suggest that he's lonely, not necessarily that he's moved on?
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hola
Junior Member
Posts: 61
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Post by hola on Apr 10, 2019 20:59:57 GMT
Thank you all for your responses. I don't know what I need to work through this and if talking to him would set me back. Part of me does think he would be open to discussing this (so long as I do accept partial blame and that I make it clear that it's not because I want to get back together). I don't think I can honestly promise that second half, which thus means that I'd be hurting myself by doing it. However, if like Alexandra said, he shows no growth mindset or willingness to change, that would leave me feeling better about everything because I'd know that is not a person that I could be with. I'm not sure if he's a DA or FA, but I'm curious to hear what you think. He was very quick to say I love you, very quick to introduce me to his family, he talked about a future with me and said he had hoped to get married one day. He had even committed to the point that we shared accounts, I was on his health insurance, etc. I went to all of his family and work functions. Are these things an avoidant person does? Did we just bring out the worse in each other (me - anxiety, him - avoidance) once we moved in together? As for not contacting him, do you think he will eventually get in touch with me again so I can have these conversations? Couldn't his being on dating sites suggest that he's lonely, not necessarily that he's moved on? Not everyone fits in a box, or classic description. Just depends how avoidant a person is. He love bombed you, wanted a relationship but once you actually lived together, his avoidance became really apparent. Like the classic, "I want you in the house, but in the other room, far away from me". That's probably what he grew up in. |
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Post by faithopelove on Apr 10, 2019 21:11:47 GMT
Thank you all for your responses. I don't know what I need to work through this and if talking to him would set me back. Part of me does think he would be open to discussing this (so long as I do accept partial blame and that I make it clear that it's not because I want to get back together). I don't think I can honestly promise that second half, which thus means that I'd be hurting myself by doing it. However, if like Alexandra said, he shows no growth mindset or willingness to change, that would leave me feeling better about everything because I'd know that is not a person that I could be with. I'm not sure if he's a DA or FA, but I'm curious to hear what you think. He was very quick to say I love you, very quick to introduce me to his family, he talked about a future with me and said he had hoped to get married one day. He had even committed to the point that we shared accounts, I was on his health insurance, etc. I went to all of his family and work functions. Are these things an avoidant person does? Did we just bring out the worse in each other (me - anxiety, him - avoidance) once we moved in together? As for not contacting him, do you think he will eventually get in touch with me again so I can have these conversations? Couldn't his being on dating sites suggest that he's lonely, not necessarily that he's moved on? - He sounds FA to me. A DA has severe trust issues and wouldn’t quickly intro or share accounts etc. They have strong boundaries. FA’s come and go. They have both anxious and avoidant behaviors. |
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