You’ve been through a lot 😞 but it sounds like you’re in a positive place of self-awareness and determination. You should be proud of that. Have you considered seeing an attachment therapist who can help you in your journey and offer a secure base? 💞
I've been meaning to start one of these for a long time.
So I am a AP - I say that with a chilling feeling running down my spine. I hate it. I hate having strong anxiety. I hate feeling insecure due to my abandonment issues which stems from my childhood. It's horrible chasing others. One in particular who was my ex - he strongly is either a DA or FA. Maybe both?
My dad lived in the same house as us growing up but wasn't around for us. Took no interest in us growing up. It was like living with a lodger. We would hi and bye. I remember a few memories where dad would go to work but promise to pick us up to take us to the beach. The nearest beach was Brighton. I remember getting ready and waiting in mum's room for dad to pick us up. But he never came. He would return home after work and carry on as normal - no care for letting us down.
My eldest sibling sexually abused me and my two other siblings when we were children. I still remember it and to this day, have not spoken to anyone about it. All though my parents were aware of it.
My mum was an Alcoholic who took several overdoses. Mum had her own MH issues stemming back to her childhood. Despite mum's issues - she was the best mum I could ask for. Always made sure we had food on the table and a decent house to come home too. She was the mum and dad all rolled into one.
Two of my siblings left home from an early age. Lost contact with them and didn't grow up with them. Both ended up in abusive relationships.
My third sibling - She was the oldest sibling who helped mum out. Mum needed a helping hand with looking after us when growing up. Both mum and dad both ended up spoiling her which resulted into Narcissism. It was the constant bullying myself and my two other siblings encountered for years which ended up being with me for a long time.
I met the first guy who I thought was the one when I was 28. Although I have a few male friends who are decent men. I only felt sexually attracted to this guy. Once entered into the relationship - it became apparant he was dismissive/fearful avoidant.
I questioned why was I attracted to a guy like this? But why would I carry on wanting to maintain a friendship where this man who is now my ex hasn't replied nor allowing us to meet up? I was extremely anxious when he didn't replie which would cause me to want to reach out even more after two weeks of nothing.
I am extremely anxious as a person. I'm extremely scared to get close to someone else in case I get abandoned. I appear clingy i.e thanking someone constantly for being nice to me when they have helped me.
I know I have issues. I know I appear quite clingy and too much when my anxiety goes into overdrive.
I want to learn to become a secure person. A person who is worthy of love. A person who would not settle for less when she's not getting the love she rightfully deserves. A person who isn't going to chase the other person if they fall off the radar.
I want a good loving and satisfying life with a good level of self confidence and assertiveness.
I'm ready to work on it and to seek help to getting better.
You are in the right place for support and encouragement! I rarely comment in these forums because I'm not yet sure I have good advice for anyone, but your story compels me to say something. Recently I tried EMDR in counselling and found if very helpful (and I say that as a major skeptic). You *are* worthy of love, just like every human -- even if you don't feel it yet. xo
I would think its totally normal people turn down mental health things. People carry on everyday a mess and stay that way. You can even see this from this very forum. Some here are older in the 40+ range and just starting to deal with their issues. People get there in their own time or never do.
MANY people dont want to face things, really, dont take it personal.
So I have a new job which I started back in March (last month). It's working in mental health but the Forensics side. This is a new side of mental health which I have little knowledge of the criminal justice side.
The first month of the job was induction. I am really happy with the pace of the role. I have been lucky to have been given the chance to train, shadow and get to know the role.
The major part of the role is based in the community supporting clients with MH issues. The service is voluntartly. So the client's have the right to decline support from our service.
I was given my first client last week. The client declined support. So I closed the case. I took this very bad as I felt quite hard on myself. Thinking did I explain the service right? A few colleagues have encouraged me to not to be hard on myself. It happens and a lot of the client's do decline support from our service.
However, I have been given a new client. Again this client answers the phone and asked me to phone back later on today. Which I did. I left a message on the client's voicemail with my name and contact details. As of yet, the client hasn't returned my call.
My TL encouraged me to text the client tomorrow as it's still a good sign the client is engaging by answering the phone. But this client has a history of non engaging with mental health services.
I am feeling incredibly anxious with taking on new clients as majority of their case is to do with the criminal justice. I have little knowledge. I feel quite anxious on keep phoning my Manager to explain certain things. I'm starting to feel they are getting annoyed with me by keeping asking basic things. I don't want to be seen as someone who is anxious and is not performing well. Someone who can't use their own initiuative. Gets scared and is constantly on the phone seeking for help.
I'm reading their reports and hearing a lot of different words and about the criminal justice which I am struggling to understand.
To top all that off, I am also feeling anxious in case another client doesn't engage. It may look bad on me as two client's are not engaging. I don't want this to affect my performance and they end up sacking me as so far, none of my clients are engaging.
I am feeling really negative, anxious and helpless.
As soon as the anxiety kicked in, it was urging me to pick up the phone to call my TL. I became aware this urge seems like a clingy approach. I became aware of this and stopped myself from phoning. I tried to challenge my negative thinking and to replace with "You can do this. Just breathe. Calm down and research in on-line. To seek out help as the last resort".
I need to practise this method daily.
@thatright - I’m sure many people decline help rather than accept it, especially if your facility is the one reaching out and not vice versa. Have you asked your supervisor or someone you shadowed how many potential patients typically decline help? That way, it could assuage your anxiety- I also think this is a standard question that wouldn’t at all seem needy.
Post by leavethelighton on Apr 20, 2019 23:32:14 GMT
Don't take it personally if a client isn't engaging with you. I work a job with a very different sort of "client" from yours, but a lot of them are engaging in 'learned helplessness' or have other things going on-- and the ones who would benefit the most from being responsive tend to be the least responsive. Some people's lives are too overwhelming and they just can't get it together. Or they are caught in a trap of failure-- it's easier on one's identity to not try and fail then TO try and still fail. Some are afraid of anyone they view as an authority figure as even if it is our job to not judge them, they fear being judged. Some have social anxiety. Etc. Etc. Sure, you could experiment with different ways of reaching out or of communicating/messaging, but for the most part it isn't your fault if they don't engage.
Hi @thatright! I just wanted to say, as another AP, congratulations for facing your AP and wanting to overcome it!! I'm at the same spot right now and this forum has already helped me tremendously not only with resources but with solid advice and support.
I read your story and I can relate to it a lot. I felt the same way in mine, even if it was a very short one. I am starting to realise that I don't want that sort of relationship back, but most importantly, I've got issues that need addressing before I get into any other relationship. I'm glad you don't have the urge to text him anymore and I'm glad you are progressing!
A great step this are seeds you're planting for your 'secure garden'.
Awareness is not very comfortable but it is a decisive step.
What are your reflections about this?
Thanks for your replie.
I'm slowly getting there. My reflections at the moment especially to all my questions is to simply forgive myself and my ex. Accept the situation. Accept that I can and will move on and there is someone else out there who will be able to give me what I want and need.
It burns right now. But I feel 100% happy in my decision and want to move forward.
I read your whole thread and just wanted to say hang in there, it will get better. Absolutely stick with no contact and let time heal things. Don't reopen a fresh wound. I thought my ex was an extreme DA but she's nothing compared to your ex. Look at the bright side, it's extremely likely that your next relationship will be so much better than the last one. But first, you have to work on yourself as you have already started doing. Good job, keep doing that. It will raise your self esteem and confidence.
This is really such a beautiful and inspiring thread . You have turned to nurturing yourself, in every way as far as I can tell. You are creating a beautiful and rewarding t life for yourself; and giving yourself the love, investment, and consistency that has been lacking.
I remember the time when I began to take care of my body as if I loved it, and wanted it to be healthy. No one had shown me how to do that, no one had shown a caring investment in the body I live in! I also remember when I invested in my own education and how proud I felt to gain skills and be a part of something bigger. I began to create a future for myself that I had previously not even considered because I was surviving, not living, not thriving. I remember growing into the ability to consciously choose who gets to be in my life, and who doesn't. I was no longer at the mercy of my internal scripts and taking a backseat to someone else's agenda or my own unconscious one.
I still work on all of this- the earliest imprints from our childhoods may take a lifetime to discover and rework, but at least we can do it. So I'm really happy for you and also mamut who are putting solid work and dedication into doing right by yourselves in a way that no one else has demonstrated the ability to do for you. It's really cool to see so thanks for sharing.
1) Insecure in Love: How Anxious Attachment Can Make You Feel Jealous, Needy, and Worried and what you can do about it
2) Love Me, Don't Leave Me: Overcoming Fear of Abandonment and Building Lasting, Loving Relationships
3) Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love
4) Avoidant: How to Love (or Leave) a Dismissive Partner
I've just purchased another book called 'The Dismissive Man: How to recognize the avoidant and/or passive-aggressive man and stay away from him'.
It's a 21 page kindle document. After reading it, I started to cry. It was really nice finally seeing and reading everything that was so clear to me on the behaviour of a dismissive male. All the characteristics and signs fitted the profile of my ex.
The more detached from him I am becoming. The more I read about how toxic things were. The more happier I am that I have cut contact from him.
I've been saving up for therapy. So should be ready to start talking and seeking further help with my own past abuse and trauma.
I'm ready for the next step towards recovery.
I can tell you therapy made the difference with me 😊
I am off from work for the next nine days - annual leave.
I am looking forward to spending the days relaxing and enjoying with loved ones.
This is really great! To be able to look forward to time off for relaxing and enjoying your loved ones, instead of having this down time impinged by attachment stuff! You've done a really good process.
@thatright, one step at a time. It IS exciting! Scary, too. I'm embracing a whole new paradigm and it isn't without some grief at what's gone before. But a whole new world awaits us. A much safer world.