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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 25, 2019 15:40:16 GMT
I haven’t posted or dropped in for awhile….I miss you guys!
I’ve been post BU about 5 months now and have been doing a lot of work to heal my Anxious attachment wounds through therapy and research. Although I’m not completely healed from my ex FA, I am feeling more inclined to dip my toe back into the dating pool….very carefully!
I have a male acquaintance that I have known for about 15 years that has been showing interest and we’ve been messaging for about 2 months. He lives in a pretty remote area, so communication has been limited to messaging only. We’ve had some very deep conversations about where we are and what we are looking for and he’s been telling me that he’s exactly where I am. He said he’s bruised from his last relationship 3 years ago but misses intimacy (not necessarily sex) and wants someone to talk to. He wants more than just a friend…open to progressing to a relationship…but not sure what he’s ready for yet. In the course of communication, I’ve determined that he is VERY DA so I’ve been carefully navigating this.
Well, we hooked up for the first time a week and a half ago and ever since then, his communication has been very distant and non-engaging. He’s still the one reaching out to me most of the time, but we are no longer having the deep conversations….just small talk….and there are a lot of time gaps between responses. There are even times he’ll hit me up, I respond and then nothing until the next day.
My attachment work called me to address this with him and he admitted that since we hooked up, he has been feeling “conflicted”. He said he didn’t regret what happened but regretted the timing of it….he felt it was too soon. He said he enjoyed my company but at the end of the day, he just doesn’t think he has what it takes to move forward ….with anyone. He said he just doesn’t believe in it anymore. I told him I understood and I was totally prepared to LISTEN to what he was saying, take it as truth and let him go…. but then he asked if we can still talk. He said he really enjoyed our conversations. I reluctantly told him that would be fine….mainly because I enjoyed them too.
But there still seems to be a “shift”. I’m still letting him reach out to me first but the conversation is still surface level, time gaps between responding, etc. At this point, he’s triggering me like crazy. All of the insecurities I’m trying to heal from my last confused/fearful boyfriend are resurfacing with this guy.
I’ve asked him to call me tonight so I can talk to him about it. I don’t want to end the communication ….we’ve known each other for 15 years and we’ve really have had some great conversations. He’s represented a hope for me and has filled some of the loneliness as I’m still healing from my EX. I’ve also enjoyed applying/testing some of my own attachment healing in my interaction with him…knowing that he’s DA. At this point though, if we aren’t physically seeing each other, speaking live with each other and now communication has reverted to small talk…..I’m not sure what we are doing.
I feel like we are both asking for the same thing….a friend to talk to and have deeper conversation with….but he seems to be running from this as if he’s supposed to make some huge dating decision. I don’t think that I am putting that pressure on him….I think he’s putting it on himself. I’m conflicted right now about continuing the conversations/friendship or letting him go because he’s triggering everything I’m trying to heal.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 25, 2019 16:42:01 GMT
I haven’t posted or dropped in for awhile….I miss you guys! I’ve been post BU about 5 months now and have been doing a lot of work to heal my Anxious attachment wounds through therapy and research. Although I’m not completely healed from my ex FA, I am feeling more inclined to dip my toe back into the dating pool….very carefully! I have a male acquaintance that I have known for about 15 years that has been showing interest and we’ve been messaging for about 2 months. He lives in a pretty remote area, so communication has been limited to messaging only. We’ve had some very deep conversations about where we are and what we are looking for and he’s been telling me that he’s exactly where I am. He said he’s bruised from his last relationship 3 years ago but misses intimacy (not necessarily sex) and wants someone to talk to. He wants more than just a friend…open to progressing to a relationship…but not sure what he’s ready for yet. In the course of communication, I’ve determined that he is VERY DA so I’ve been carefully navigating this. Well, we hooked up for the first time a week and a half ago and ever since then, his communication has been very distant and non-engaging. He’s still the one reaching out to me most of the time, but we are no longer having the deep conversations….just small talk….and there are a lot of time gaps between responses. There are even times he’ll hit me up, I respond and then nothing until the next day. My attachment work called me to address this with him and he admitted that since we hooked up, he has been feeling “conflicted”. He said he didn’t regret what happened but regretted the timing of it….he felt it was too soon. He said he enjoyed my company but at the end of the day, he just doesn’t think he has what it takes to move forward ….with anyone. He said he just doesn’t believe in it anymore. I told him I understood and I was totally prepared to LISTEN to what he was saying, take it as truth and let him go…. but then he asked if we can still talk. He said he really enjoyed our conversations. I reluctantly told him that would be fine….mainly because I enjoyed them too. But there still seems to be a “shift”. I’m still letting him reach out to me first but the conversation is still surface level, time gaps between responding, etc. At this point, he’s triggering me like crazy. All of the insecurities I’m trying to heal from my last confused/fearful boyfriend are resurfacing with this guy. I’ve asked him to call me tonight so I can talk to him about it. I don’t want to end the communication ….we’ve known each other for 15 years and we’ve really have had some great conversations. He’s represented a hope for me and has filled some of the loneliness as I’m still healing from my EX. I’ve also enjoyed applying/testing some of my own attachment healing in my interaction with him…knowing that he’s DA. At this point though, if we aren’t physically seeing each other, speaking live with each other and now communication has reverted to small talk…..I’m not sure what we are doing. I feel like we are both asking for the same thing….a friend to talk to and have deeper conversation with….but he seems to be running from this as if he’s supposed to make some huge dating decision. I don’t think that I am putting that pressure on him….I think he’s putting it on himself. I’m conflicted right now about continuing the conversations/friendship or letting him go because he’s triggering everything I’m trying to heal. Maybe a “pause” is in order...not a complete cut off...but say....a 30 day regroup so you both can work through whatever triggers got pressed as a result of your hook up. I agree, the pressure he is feeling is likely coming from his own attachment issues. My brother has a tendency to feel overly responsible for whoever he is hooking up with or dating and that tends to make him feel very guarded and conflicted. In any event...it sounds like you recognize that the status quo’s not helpful to either of you and that is an extremely mature thing to recognize...so props to you. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2019 16:54:40 GMT
My take, is that here is an opportunity to make a major shift in how you conduct yourself in relationships. Here is a chance to identify and drop the role that has you engaging with unavailable partners. It leaves you left out, confused, and wondering what is next.
My experience is if you can see it, drop it, and walk away you will never again be confused about what to do when a partner is telling you exactly how and why they cannot progress with you. You'll wish then the best of luck and move on because you are no longer in the lost girl role.
It feels great to DECIDE how to feel and be in your life instead of being subject to the whims and priorities of someone else. Unavailable feels like crap and it's harder to carry on with it then it is to move up a level and be truly available for something better.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 25, 2019 18:05:56 GMT
My take, is that here is an opportunity to make a major shift in how you conduct yourself in relationships. Here is a chance to identify and drop the role that has you engaging with unavailable partners. It leaves you left out, confused, and wondering what is next. My experience is if you can see it, drop it, and walk away you will never again be confused about what to do when a partner is telling you exactly how and why they cannot progress with you. You'll wish then the best of luck and move on because you are no longer in the lost girl role. It feels great to DECIDE how to feel and be in your life instead of being subject to the whims and priorities of someone else. Unavailable feels like crap and it's harder to carry on with it then it is to move up a level and be truly available for something better. Yes I do agree that this is a chance for me to start making the decisions and not be the "lost girl"...part of my own attachment healing. I think where the conflict comes into play is that we have been friends already for 15 years...it's not so cut and dry just to "drop him". If he were a random guy, I'd TOTALLY drop this and go on about my way in a heartbeat. As far as the romantic "relationship", I have already decided this guy is not for me......but it's the friendship that is now in question. He wants to keep talking but he isn't really talking.....he's hot and cold....it's weird and awkward....and now it's triggering all of the things inside of me that I'm trying to heal. So I feel like he's making me have to chose between the friendship and my own healing.....but I don't feel like we are in a place where I should have to choose if he wasn't being so weird and heavy about all of this. Rather than make a choice, I'd prefer to have a discussion with him tonight, ease whatever overthinking that he's doing and just be friends that have real conversations like we have been for the last two months. I'm definitely still leaving myself open for other dating possibilities. |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 25, 2019 18:09:40 GMT
tnr9 thanks! I do like the "pause" idea. Maybe I'll do that if the phone conversation doesn't result in any resolutions. It's much better than throwing away a 15 year friendship. I really though we were on the same page heading in the same direction and then all of a sudden, he's running!
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Post by sissyk on Apr 25, 2019 18:15:37 GMT
Have you had the discussion yet? I don't think that will be productive if he is in DA mode though you might feel it is something you want to do for you.
If you do value him as a long time friend I would just tell him you want to take a break from communicatung for a while to focus on some other things.
Message him in a month and see if he is still so distant. You might be able to then pick back up as just friends.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 25, 2019 19:18:39 GMT
Have you had the discussion yet? I don't think that will be productive if he is in DA mode though you might feel it is something you want to do for you. If you do value him as a long time friend I would just tell him you want to take a break from communicatung for a while to focus on some other things. Message him in a month and see if he is still so distant. You might be able to then pick back up as just friends. Well yes interesting that you would bring that up......I did actually consider that this might all sound way too heavy and might cause him to deactivate even more. I haven't had the conversation yet and I can still save this. I just messaged him yesterday and asked him if we could chat whenever he had a chance. He said sure and then asked if everything was ok. I responded and told him that I knew we had a brief exchange already via messages, but I just wanted to be sure there's nothing weird and awkward and I preferred a live conversation. I still have the opportunity when we talk to keep it non-serious and just keep it as "are we cool?". I guess I'm just trying to find the "secure" way of handling this. On one hand I know that I don't want trigger him into deactivation but the other hand, it is not AP nature to stand up and be frank with what we want/need and I'm trying to be true to myself as well. I think it's pretty crappy that we sleep together and he's now running away. Part of me wants to "respectfully" address this. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2019 19:50:47 GMT
Emotional availability and integrity is important in friendships, too, especially if sexual intimacy has been shared. I think too much thinking about attachment theory has insecure people trying to tippy toe around someone else's style too much sometimes. An avoidant's deactivation should never be the reason you don't represent your self and your needs and concerns thoroughly. It takes practice of course, and I realize you don't want to harm the relationship or end it- but getting the cold shoulder after sexual intimacy is painful even in a brand new connection- let alone someone you've known 15 years.
Anyway, good luck. Tricky situation.
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Post by ocarina on Apr 25, 2019 20:02:55 GMT
My take, is that here is an opportunity to make a major shift in how you conduct yourself in relationships. Here is a chance to identify and drop the role that has you engaging with unavailable partners. It leaves you left out, confused, and wondering what is next. My experience is if you can see it, drop it, and walk away you will never again be confused about what to do when a partner is telling you exactly how and why they cannot progress with you. You'll wish then the best of luck and move on because you are no longer in the lost girl role. It feels great to DECIDE how to feel and be in your life instead of being subject to the whims and priorities of someone else. Unavailable feels like crap and it's harder to carry on with it then it is to move up a level and be truly available for something better. I agree - even in friendship emotional intimacy is important and in fact friendships are a training ground for relationships. This is a chance to explore how inconsistent behaviors make you feel and then choose a path in accordance with your values, rather than because pseudintimacy feels like the norm. |
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Post by sissyk on Apr 25, 2019 20:12:22 GMT
My long tale is on my thread in the DA forum. Cliff Notes: I had The Talk with my DA who I was maybe dating? maybe just friends? asking for clarity.
On one hand, it was great to be direct. I thought our call went well. I was calm and used humor. I felt empowered. On the other hand, it panicked him and he went silent for weeks. I texted once or twice warmly then let him be.
He did eventually get back in touch. We now hang out most weeks just as friends and delight in each others company but I really really spooked him. It was like asking him to speak Dutch.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 25, 2019 20:15:28 GMT
Emotional availability and integrity is important in friendships, too, especially if sexual intimacy has been shared. I think too much thinking about attachment theory has insecure people trying to tippy toe around someone else's style too much sometimes. An avoidant's deactivation should never be the reason you don't represent your self and your needs and concerns thoroughly. It takes practice of course, and I realize you don't want to harm the relationship or end it- but getting the cold shoulder after sexual intimacy is painful even in a brand new connection- let alone someone you've known 15 years. Anyway, good luck. Tricky situation. Yes exactly. I don't want to activate a DA, but I also feel deserving to ask the questions of where his head is....especially since we've already had these discussions and I was very clear that I wanted to date with the purpose of exploring a potential relationship.....the pace and of course making sure we were the right fit were the only things in question. He had said he was in the same place. I told him I didn't want just a hook up...I even reminded him again that night and now it's turning into just a hook up. It's ok if he thought he was ready and he's not. DAs aren't as in touch with their emotions as us APs......so no one is calling him a bad guy, but I deserve the conversation and I feel like that's what a secure would do. I had planned to let him know that this can be whatever he wants it to be...no pressure....but I just need to know where his head is so that I can gauge my level of emotional investment. After the conversation and after we agree to whatever it is that we determine this "is"....if there is still confusing behavior then I have the option to walk away but I owe it to our existing friendship to at least open up the dialog. Thanks....I think I'm closer to sorting this out in my head  |
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 25, 2019 20:18:26 GMT
My long tale is on my thread in the DA forum. Cliff Notes: I had The Talk with my DA who I was maybe dating? maybe just friends? asking for clarity. On one hand, it was great to be direct. I thought our call went well. I was calm and used humor. I felt empowered. On the other hand, it panicked him and he went silent for weeks. I texted once or twice warmly then let him be. He did eventually get back in touch. We now hang out most weeks just as friends and delight in each others company but I really really spooked him. It was like asking him to speak Dutch. I'll dig it up and read it for sure. I'm still very much on the fence because I do hear what you are saying and I don't want to make this a bigger deal than he's already making it! |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 25, 2019 21:16:09 GMT
I agree with taking a short term break and was going to suggest it before even reading the comments, though I was thinking closer to 3 months because he's got issues to deal with right now and if he doesn't have time he'll keep sitting on an ambivalent fence with you. And you need time to convert back to thinking about him just as a friend and moving on in that way.
It's very difficult when you have an AP history of not walking away, you voice your needs and try to walk away, and the other person doesn't want to step up (because, whether they're aware of it or not, they are unavailable), but also tries to talk you out of going. I'm in that situation right now, with a new guy who is likely FA, and it's really difficult to make that decision to back off and meet resistance, so decide what you want to do beforehand (30 days, 3 months, something else), and stick to your guns about it. Not doing so will feel like a step back and like getting stuck, at least in my recent experience coming at it from earned secure.
The good news is, it's easier to deal with this stuff when you understand which dynamics are actually playing out! Yay attachment theory.
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Post by unluckyinlove on Apr 25, 2019 21:37:28 GMT
Thanks for the advice/support everyone! It's so nice to be able to get support from folks who understand and have experience with this sort of thing.
He surprised me with the phone call as I thought he would probably call this evening but it was a good conversation. I think we cleared the air and he said he'd hit me back up again this evening. He didn't sound spooked and actually sounded appreciative of the fact that we could talk candidly. He said he hasn't gotten that from others before.
After the conversation, I've gotten even more of a sense of where his head is at and this guy is nowhere near ready for any type of fulfilling romantic relationship. In fact, my gut is telling me this is never going to work on a romantic level period. It was funny to me that at one point he was totally describing DA behavior and telling me that this probably made no sense to me. I'm like Ummmm yeah it does...I didn't get into it but since HE mentioned it I told him he should look into attachment styles. I never said "Dissmissive Avoidant" because I didn't want to scare him, but I told him that alot of what he was describing can be explained with understanding attachment styles. He thanked me for the suggestion but told me it didn't sound like anything that had to do with his situation. haha.
Anyways, I'm going to start detaching myself emotionally and just approach this as friends. It's all he's ready for right now anyways so it's an easy sell.
Thanks again to everyone who contributed their thoughts and opinions! I truly value them!
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2019 21:42:51 GMT
I agree with taking a short term break and was going to suggest it before even reading the comments, though I was thinking closer to 3 months because he's got issues to deal with right now and if he doesn't have time he'll keep sitting on an ambivalent fence with you. And you need time to convert back to thinking about him just as a friend and moving on in that way. It's very difficult when you have an AP history of not walking away, you voice your needs and try to walk away, and the other person doesn't want to step up (because, whether they're aware of it or not, they are unavailable), but also tries to talk you out of going. I'm in that situation right now, with a new guy who is likely FA, and it's really difficult to make that decision to back off and meet resistance, so decide what you want to do beforehand (30 days, 3 months, something else), and stick to your guns about it. Not doing so will feel like a step back and like getting stuck, at least in my recent experience coming at it from earned secure. The good news is, it's easier to deal with this stuff when you understand which dynamics are actually playing out! Yay attachment theory. If you date someone who you believe is FA, and encounter both resistance to relationship and resistance to endings, isn't the healthy thing to resist being in the back seat while an insecure and unhealthy partner drives the agenda? I guess a three month waiting period is better than an indefinite stay but it does get tiresome to have to work so hard just to date, or maintain a friendship, doesn't it? It seems like a more natural flow would be more desirable. |
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