Just Sad

Where to begin . I just am so frustrated at myself and empty about my ex. I am 28 and she is 20 which was a problem in itself. It allowed me to reason with that fact my girl never wanted to make things facebook official . I treated her so good the first couple of months . Unfortunately I ignored all the signs that she wasn't as serious about our relationship as I was. I knew she had been texting a so called ex whatever they were fuck buddies . I entertained all the confusing messaging of "you would want to date me." Well for me of course I did and I started dating her right away . 5 days after we meet we talked about so much which made me feel very uncomfortable to say the least . I knew all the ends and outs about how shes not lovable and that these guys she was with were crap. I totally bought into because of my attachment of thinking oh this could be the one when I didn't even know the girl. She continued to talk to her ex as a friend but I let her know it made me uncomfortable about a month in but I dont see how I was so naive. I really believed aw well I will win her over. That is just not the case . She had no respect for me in that matter and I had no respect for myself . Eventually one night two months in she lies to me about who shes talking to . I jump to the worst conclusion shes cheating which as far as I am concerned could still be the case but it really doesn't matter now. When she admitted to talking to him instead of talking to her about it I ended up telling her shes like all the other girls. I thought she was different and read her text to him calling me home boy and talking about how I dont give her space. I told her to get the fuck out and called her a bitch. I was so mad because she would say all this amazing stuff to me and then do this not once ever telling me about how she really felt. When she left that night she went home and put small slits on her wrist and called the guy for sympathy . She made me out to look like the bad guy to her parents which to me is unforgivable.  In the end I felt so damn insecure about the whole thing that when she didnt call me that night I was devastated and felt I needed to figure out why, which is stupid in the first place. This whole thing just escalated further I told her I wanted to see all the messages and she needed to recover them so I could read them because she deleted them . It was terrible because I would check her phone and find out right when I would leave she would call him. This was everytime. I ended up driving her away to go stay with him that weekend. Which was ever worse for me. I ended up trying to contact her and bring her back which worked which I was surprised but it did.  The whole time she was there I was thinking she was doing something with him .  When she got back I just was grilling her constantly and she would text him because of it . It just got so damn bad that I told her I wanted to kill myself.  I couldn't understand why she would talk to him after telling me she wouldnt . I wanted to play the games she was with me and it was sad because I knew I didnt want to kill myself I was just upset. She ended up calling her mom and I ended up telling her mom about her cutting her wrist through a text because I was so mad she would tell her that. I know once a parents involved usually things are going south. Anyways her mom ended up being pretty cool about it and agreed with me . I guess she told her like hey you have a good guy and you need to fix it. Honestly my memory gets a little hazy from here but all I can say is my insecurities about the whole thing just got worse. Its sad because I know if I would have been able to stand up for myself from here everything confidence wise for me would of been uplifted but now here I am fours months into the relationship broken up and completely ashamed about the whole thing because I could go on for alot longer . Either way I will say this she turned herself around and committed herself to me and was doing so well with her fearful dismissive behavior and I ruined that . Now her parents hate me and its not like she had much choice I wasnt getting better. I found Jebs book which what helped us the first week but then we started new jobs and both didnt make the effort. Anyways I guess it feels good to talk about it because everyone is tired of listening to me. I am starting counseling on wed. but just feel so sad inside. I wish she would tell me never to contact her again but she wont which is stupid . this relationship is over and us just stringing eachother on is crap. I had to leave where I lived because she lived three condos down and all I wanted to do was talk to her. I couldn't stay there but I am ashamed because I am 28 and still cant get my emotions under control .