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Post by stuckinamoment on May 29, 2019 14:51:39 GMT
im really struggling with this breakup. before i met him i felt i was in a good place but now i'm really triggered. i posted my story in the other section, but it was rather long and that's not even half of it .
Im in therapy but she didn't really allow me to talk about him much if at all as she wanted me to focus on my life until and if he showed back up in my life.
I want to know why this happened and what flags i missed so this won't happen again.
he was so caring and always responded to my texts right away and i would often go days or weeks before replying to him as i saw him as a person that had his life together with a lot of free time.
then suddenly it all came crashing down , he even ran from me a few times allegedly in a rush to pick up a family memeber.
its like he fell apart right in front of me.
i was NC for six weeks. i didn't go out to the place we met for two months . i isolated myself as i just did not feel like myself. last weekend i went to the store and pull in and see his car...i was stunned he was there , so i waited until he was leaving and then went in...somehow we missed each other ...most likely he saw me and ran.
he supposedly has no emotional bandwidth but was there talking to a guy imalso know showing him texts.
i reached out that nite and was ignored. i only sent one text....and feel like sending him and angry one but won't
im angry that he can treat me like this after saying wait for him to reach out and yet six weeks later nothing . and i had to press him just to get that out of him. he thought we both needed space...well i gave him six weeks of it.
im angry that it all seems like a big lie ...all of it....and he walks on with just no care at all. he never used to ignore texts but six weeks ago we were in the same place and i saw him ignore my text and looked upset and anxious and then lied and said he didn't check his phone . he seemed frazzled.
i don't want to avoid the place we met at as i like it there and i did so for two months already.
i dont plan on speaking to him if i do see him either. He said he was fond of me and if we saw each other we could be friends and chat
there is this deep fear he will think i'm stalking him if i start going there again that comes from a past x and the behavior of this guy and how he almost panics and runs .
all i was looking for is friendship like we used to have where we would meet and chat about life a few times a month and even that seems like to much for him.
ive never had anyone do this and i've gone out with someine with NPD and my last x had issues as well , but this guy has really hit my soul hard
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 29, 2019 20:54:56 GMT
i'm not sure what this means if anything but after my last relationship i found relief with drinking . i'm not sure if it was the drinking or the socialization after that last breakup because i would go out that's myself to a meal and have a few drinks. i met some new people and really felt like i fit in...
vs now where i avoid alcohol as it reminds me of the current guy and how triggered i was while drinking .
the nite he told me of his ghost x and called me another name --and i had a mini emotional meltdown --- a nite of drinking
the nite i over texted him and he kept saying his life wasn't his oown right now and it had nothing to do with me i didn't believe him as i felt he was working late to escape his ghost
the day we met as just friends and ended up kissing he bought me groceries --- we had a few drinks
the nite i confronted him and despite his attempts to calm me down i still pressed for answers ..i then stayed after he left and talked to strangers for advice ---drinking
the nite he axed me after i asked for closure i went out and had the bartender confront me about the above night before and said i'm leaning towards undesirable men with issues (she didn't mean him) i felt like i was being spied on etc
we had one fun nite out with drinking and he opened up a ton to me and that was the last time we were out
i had one drink satrday and texted him drinking again
i took six weeks break from drinking and since mid march haven't drank but two drinks .
the last time i bumped into him i had one drink and even that made me press for answers and i was triggered because he ignored my texts and ran out
i could have bumped into him saturday but avoided him...i wasn't drinking so wasn't triggered or wanting to press.
if he ever does come back i'm making sure i'm not drinking ...i will sit with water if i have to
we used to hang out as friend for three months just fine and drank ...the energy was great and that's what i miss
i believed he would reach out , but now that looks doubtful
he drinks daily , but he's not the type to reach out while drinking
i guess maybe the negative impacts of me drinking are fresh in my mind that i'm not using it to get over him and instead i'm sitting with my feelings
i wish he would just reach out so he could see it wouldn't escalate again into kissing because i won't drink around him again and if we bump into each other and i am drinking i won't say much and ask to talk another time.
so basically until we kissed and had the intense connection we could drink together. i've never experienced anything like this
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 30, 2019 8:57:53 GMT
stuckinamoment I've been reading all your posts, but couldn't really find a constructive way to help you. I can only make some observations based on my experiences on those of yours which I can relate to. You say you don't really want a relationship with him, but when he did kiss you and held your hand, you felt better. You say that you want to meet him to show him that it won't end up in kissing, basically show him that you can be friends, something that he claims he wants. I identify mostly as an AP and I've noticed that I tend to do this; compromise. In my recent "relationship", I found myself trying to convince me that I didn't want a relationship and I'd be ok with just a "situationship", because asking for a relationship scared him away. I've noticed this pattern on other APs too. I'm not saying that you're definitely doing it, I really just want to help and I saw this thing in common, maybe it'll give you a different perspective. I do understand what you're going through and I'm so sorry. Hope you're feeling better today! 🙏🏽
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 30, 2019 13:53:07 GMT
stuckinamoment I've been reading all your posts, but couldn't really find a constructive way to help you. I can only make some observations based on my experiences on those of yours which I can relate to. You say you don't really want a relationship with him, but when he did kiss you and held your hand, you felt better. You say that you want to meet him to show him that it won't end up in kissing, basically show him that you can be friends, something that he claims he wants. I identify mostly as an AP and I've noticed that I tend to do this; compromise. In my recent "relationship", I found myself trying to convince me that I didn't want a relationship and I'd be ok with just a "situationship", because asking for a relationship scared him away. I've noticed this pattern on other APs too. I'm not saying that you're definitely doing it, I really just want to help and I saw this thing in common, maybe it'll give you a different perspective. I do understand what you're going through and I'm so sorry. Hope you're feeling better today! 🙏🏽 hello, thanks for your reply. i've been reading your posts as well and can relate to what you are going through. I think for me the fact i didn't want a relationship and had plans to move out of state at the start of being friends with him comes into play for me. I find myself sometimes stuck on the fact that because I felt closer to him because he was in communication daily while i was away and i chose to put distance when i returned ..i beat myself up a bit for being vulnerable and kissing him and we have great chemistry i never knew about his ghost as he never mentioned her and i didn't even need to know that nite either. i think when he plugged in his phone and saw her name on his screen he freaked. live never ever had a guy so hung up on an x that he felt like he was cheating and had guilt . the other thing i get stuck on is the day I confroted him about why he was distant ..he hugged me three times to i guess soothe me but i just kept pressing, to be fair to myself i was in physical pain from treatment on my back and because he was halfway out the door my anxiety was in overdrive. i had no clue he was thinking of cutting me off then i took the advice from strangers who assumed the guy was using me as a side piece and i too felt he must be living with someone as he never invited me to his place. so i asked for closure which was stupid i feel like he must be angry with me and just not saying so as why would he ignore me? i get he has no bandwidth and feels he has nothing to offer right now , but i feel he lied when he said wait for him to reach out because then he said he has no time for anymore complications right now. his job ended for the summer , so that gives him more time . what also bothers me is he never allowed me to take much time and space . he would reach out and tell me he wanted to help me and he thinks i knew that. so to turn on me hurts a lot. i dont miss any of the physical stuff because it was such a short part of everything . i miss my texts being replied to and him saying wonderful to hear from you i miss meeting and talking and his support now i feel like a stalker as if i did something wrong and him being hooked on a ghost is normal. i saw him with his friend so he has bandwidth for him he wont even talk to me , it's as if i was just thrown away with no care at all. everyday i have this deep hurt hurt and sadness , some of it is because my last x was somewhat similar my confidence and self esteem is so low too or i probably would just walk up to him and clear the air , but even then i think maybe this is the real him, he did mention seeing a therapist as others have suggested it as well, but i doubt he's done that he seems to like to sit in pain pining over his ghost with no care what he's done to me im not in a good place today because i had a dream that i saw his phone and couldn't find my last text to him. |
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 30, 2019 17:58:53 GMT
stuckinamoment I honestly do understand what you're going through. Having something with potential just getting ripped out of your hands too soon. The only sure thing is that this guy is unavailable. Doesn't matter how or why, that's his problem. Another sure thing is, this is a marvelous moment to look inwards. Figure out your insecurities and all, so you can avoid falling for unavailable guys in the future. Right now all your mechanisms are working and are easier to identify and find the root of them. This is the best way to see the red flags in your next relationships and most importantly, learn to take action on them and remove yourself before you get attached further. This is how I am using my time after the break up and I've made amazing discoveries. I would highly recommend therapy, best choice I've ever made! Looking back at all my relationships, 9/10 were with unavailable men. When someone has an insecure attachment style that has never been worked on, and they meet someone, the attraction and progress of the relationship are strictly based on the mechanisms behind it. We get drawn to partners that are basically a copy of our caregivers and we repeat everything, almost to a T. Thats kinda how I understand it. My therapist recommended the book "reinventing your life" by Jeffery Young and Janet Klosko. Haven't finished it yet, but it seems very enlightening.
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 30, 2019 18:26:47 GMT
mamut I find this interesting. I just took the Diane Poole attachment test and scored high for secure and axious. My guess is this maybe why when I met him I felt like i was in a great place. From prior therapy I knew flags to look for and what my deal breakers were. Thing is all the flags he passed, there were no dealbreakers, but texting. He only texted, but because we were just friends that was ok for me. He didnt talk about his x wife in a bad light, he said he had his life together and was in a good place finally. He said he wanted a relationship and nothing casual.
the only slight flag was that he liked buying drinks for the staff instead of tipping them. I flagged that up and asked him about it and he was sort of hurt , but I apologized. There was the fact he would leave early sometimes, or just stop in for ten min. He seemed open about his life though and wanting to be supportive of me. Another slight flag was him offering me money to get out of a lease my mom stuck me with out of state.
my family is a huge issue in this as im basically the caregiver in the family. This guy didnt even know the half of that as I was cautious as abusers hone in on vulnerability, so I only shared the outskirts of it. He was supportive like I said, but it was because of these issues I was move vulnerable when we kissed. And thats also why I miss him because he gave me the support I needed to get me thru some tough times.
Im in thrapy now but its online and on the phone- I chose this way because at the time my back was so bad I could barely move. The therapist hasnt let me talk about him much at all, and once even sighed heavily on the phone. I text her a few times, but lately have been backing away.
Im not sure if i will continue as it costs a lot and im not seeing good results.
I cant go back to the abuse coucelor I saw a few years ago because Im not in an abuse situation. I had the most help from her, but even then we didnt go into depth of why I attracted these type of men. We worked on my boundaries (which are much better now), flags, gut reactions, asking for help and not being afraid to do so. So on all those aspects I was at a very good place but now feel im so far down again.
that relationship with that x was terrible and i even bumped into him last week. He is an avoidant now that I know much more about it, but he never faked it with me he was upfront from the start.
my first therapist ten years ago said only babies could be abandoned--- I always felt worse after seeing him and he said some really off things to me.
I agree with you that Im much more exposed right now to what the reasons are behind why this happened with this guy. Although like I said no huge flags, but looking back I wish we had just stayed friends. My current therapist said that probably was my gut instinct telling me something was off about it--- I think it was more like all my relationships end and I didnt want what we had to end, because for the first time I found someone that was or seemed to be put together. If you saw the texts in the beginning vs how things just changed its like a switch flipped.
My family issues are behind most of this-- I fell trapped and my dad cuts me off if i even talk of selling the house they live in. It is more involved, but I dont want to post so much online.
Im afraid going forward I will miss signs -- maybe I will have a new deal breaker of not going out with anyone that asks me out in december as that was the time period of the last two. My thoughts are that these avoidants get lonely or need to escape so they try and reach out to someone new. another deal breaker will have to be no kissing until we go out six months or are friends six months.
I will take a look at that book. Im open to anything as I cant have this happen again. Like ive said my soul feels destroyed by this, mostly because I did a lot of work and was blindsided.
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 30, 2019 19:07:05 GMT
stuckinamoment, well now I get it even more! I've too have been beating myself up about how I fell for another unavailable guy, and I've been in therapy for a year and a half. If your current therapist isn't helping, change therapists. I went for a cognitive one, she's amazing. I was so lucky. I too saw some red flags in the beginning, but not really big ones and everything we had in common was too good to let go. The thing I'm beating myself up about is the fact that I accepted him back the first time, when my gut instinct was to go NC. Anyways, I truly can relate. I was involved with a sociopath, so I am cautious about the big red flags too, now I've learned that there're more things to look out for. By digging deep, I realized that there are some things I don't recognize as red flags, because I'm used to a specific behavior due to my caregivers and past relationships. The fact that I've never had friends or family involved in a secure relationship, made me see other behaviors as normal and secure behaviors as unreachable. I can't really bring an example to make this more clear, I hope you understand what I mean. Bottom line is that there are mechanisms working in the background that makes us ignore the red flags, but you already know this. And now I understand your pain even more. Fun fact, I took the test you mentioned, scored 15 secure, 12 anxious, 11 disorganized, and 7 avoidant. This proves to me that it's a spectrum. The attachment theory is to be seen as a tool to help us dig deeper. Labeling doesn't really help, because some tend to identify so much with the label that they even start adopting new behaviors off the list, and most frequently, magnify the already existing ones. Kinda like a self-fufilling prophecy. I don't think you're back far down, I think you're just shocked and feeling what is normal to feel after a break up. Don't be so harsh on yourself, you've worked hard. It does take two to tango, for example, this board is full of secure people who when triggered, turn anxious.
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Post by alexandra on May 30, 2019 21:28:41 GMT
stuckinamoment, the reason your therapist wants you to focus on you and not the guy, or red flags, is when you heal attachment style issues, you actually naturally change your standards and thought patterns and don't "miss red flags" anymore. You see the situation, decide if it meets your needs, and don't accept inadequate treatment. You speak up, and if issues aren't corrected or goals are misaligned, you'll hold boundaries, value your needs / what you deserve, and walk away (even if it hurts and sucks to do so). I found it helpful to understand other attachment types and the patterns of how the different combinations interact with each other, but ultimately I found that useful in the context for my own attachment style and figuring out what truly healthy and secure actually looks like. Now I use that information to try to communicate better in a way that can be heard if I'm having sensitive conversations with someone who seems insecurely attached or triggered, but it still doesn't really change how I feel about myself and what I want. Before I earned secure, I absolutely was obsessed with identifying red flags to avoid falling into the same situations with avoidants yet again. And thought that was the only way to "fix" things for myself. But it truly is about focusing on yourself, building your self esteem and self acceptance levels and learning to emotionally self regulate better instead of looking for that externally (just listing typical AP struggles). That's part of the healing process and can be the crux of finding the mindset of, am I getting what I want/deserve instead of, how do I analyze my partner from the perspective of my own fears and out of self-preservation attempts. You can't control your partner. You can attempt to choose better by walking away from inconsistency in how someone treats you.
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 31, 2019 15:51:53 GMT
stuckinamoment , the reason your therapist wants you to focus on you and not the guy, or red flags, is when you heal attachment style issues, you actually naturally change your standards and thought patterns and don't "miss red flags" anymore. You see the situation, decide if it meets your needs, and don't accept inadequate treatment. You speak up, and if issues aren't corrected or goals are misaligned, you'll hold boundaries, value your needs / what you deserve, and walk away (even if it hurts and sucks to do so). I found it helpful to understand other attachment types and the patterns of how the different combinations interact with each other, but ultimately I found that useful in the context for my own attachment style and figuring out what truly healthy and secure actually looks like. Now I use that information to try to communicate better in a way that can be heard if I'm having sensitive conversations with someone who seems insecurely attached or triggered, but it still doesn't really change how I feel about myself and what I want. Before I earned secure, I absolutely was obsessed with identifying red flags to avoid falling into the same situations with avoidants yet again. And thought that was the only way to "fix" things for myself. But it truly is about focusing on yourself, building your self esteem and self acceptance levels and learning to emotionally self regulate better instead of looking for that externally (just listing typical AP struggles). That's part of the healing process and can be the crux of finding the mindset of, am I getting what I want/deserve instead of, how do I analyze my partner from the perspective of my own fears and out of self-preservation attempts. You can't control your partner. You can attempt to choose better by walking away from inconsistency in how someone treats you. thanks alexandra -- that makes a lot of sense. I did do that with the current guy as i found it easy to express my needs because I wasn't always triggered by him. However, when I expressed my need for support and for texts to be replied to as he used to do, he said he was busy at work all day and i had more free time during the day..he said he would try to start replying and did so that nite. I was too far triggered though because I was at the point of asking others for advice and on the surface it seemed like this guy was hiding other women. So, I sent him proof i was texting at nite and not at all during the day and also asked for closure , so i didn't allow him to make changes r wait to see f he would. . I know this was my anxiety kicking in because it was all done via text. Text msgs have always been my downfall and i'm working on not using it as much.. of course it was all he would use. Also in the past i will do the closure sort of text to get a guy to say oh don't go I still care etc...that seems to be an AP thing. All i remember is that nite was horrible. to be fair to myself he wasn't being open about his life and how he was struggling with his ghost again or that he was thinking of kicking me out of his life. As for my therapist she seemed rather dismissive and has not mentioned attachment but she did seem to think he was self sabatoging -- she has reinforced not just cutting people off but moving them to another position in my life. my family issues are her main focus as that's a big strain on me emotionally right now. I am working on myself and learning to lean on myself more now, but i still do miss his company. I don't have many friends and he was someone I could talk to instead of just sitting alone. |
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 31, 2019 16:04:29 GMT
mamutthanks for your reply. we seem to have similar pasts with dating and now I understand where you are coming from. Today i'm woke up again with him on my mind and I hate that. My text has still gone unanswered and from what I read last nite on here it may never be replied to. im not sure how he can just ignore me with just no care at all and that hurts the most. this also means if i ever see him in person he will run from me. he wasn't always ignoring me after the break , it seemed to happen after i asked him to a baseball game as i was given free tickets and he had asked me to go months back. he didn't even bother to reply and then ran when i saw him in person..we did talk and he denied running but i saw him run... im mad i have to feel like this about seeing him and avoiding places etc I know what you mean by small flags that are just normal to us because it's familiar. Like how my x offered me money to get out of a lease, or that he wanted to buy a house with me out of state and wanted me to move to his area so i was closer to him. Small flags that I saw as someone into me. how he changed after he told me about his ghost and his conflicted thoughts bottom line is that he lies a lot . i'm also starting to see the similarities with him and my father. workaholic, always running and no time for me at all... that's what triggers me the most ... even my family has no time for me but yet i provide so much for them. and now this guy too runs from me. Like i said i haven't seen him in six weeks and even that was just a brief talk in a parking lot as he was running. he claims people have busy lives yet he never did before. so thats where im at today just feeling alone really.
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mamut
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Post by mamut on May 31, 2019 17:17:31 GMT
stuckinamoment I feel ya. I miss his company too. Some moments of the day I'm angry, others I just miss him. The more I read about attachment styles, the more I realize I don't want back. You're already realizing that he wasn't as good as you thought. Same for me. I don't even know if we can be friends again and deep down, I don't really mind. Knowing that at some point I will be seeing him again, and most likely frequently, is killing me, he became a part of my circle. You might not see it right now, but you're lucky he didn't get in that deep and you're avoiding just one place. I was watching a series last night, there was this girl who kept pining for a guy and a friend of hers told her: "The sooner you quit something that stinks, the sooner you'll find something that doesn't". I also see hope in my therapy, and that's why I'm insisting on looking inwards. I feel like a blank sheet right now, ready to overcome everything that is troubling me, regardless of the ex. It's literally therapeutic. The book "reinventing your life" goes DEEP. It's basically based on CBT therapy, which I'm following, so I'm finding it amazing, and I haven't even done the excersises correctly yet. I know these can be fixed, and I know this is not only the way to a happy relationship, but to a happy life. For me, it's a life without overanalyzing. What is it for you? I completely agree with what alexandra said, spot on and we'll articulated. I do agree with you're therapist on focusing with your other issues, but I also believe that if you really need to talk about him, you should. Don't expect answers about his psychosynthesis though, even if it did benefit you, your therapist would be making guesses. Sure, educated guesses, but still. That's why reading too much into the attachment style of an ex is dangerous. It's basically our AP side looking for answers, for control, wishful thinking, keeping the fantasy alive, you name it.
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Post by stuckinamoment on May 31, 2019 21:33:08 GMT
mamut you are right I am starting to see this as more of a blessing. I could not have continued with him the way he is now it would have destroyed me. Im a communicator and he would just shut me down and not even reply. Heck he still hasnt replied to a text but yet is fond of me and likes me. I guess again he said that in the moment and hoped he could reply to a text at some point. I feel like a tornado has come into my life since the start of this year, so in a sense a clean slate to work from. I do need to dig deep and work on myself even more. I agree it is just one place I have to avoid and atleast I didnt up and move out to his area or worse yet buy a house with him. My last x was somewhat similar and honestly when I was reading about attachment that opened old wounds in regard to him too. He was more emeshed in my life , so much so that I had to either stay inside or stay away from my house while he worked around where I live (without going into to much detail for privacy) it was a bad breakup and I was triggered a lot because he was so close to me daily. So, I am thankful this did not happen with this current one. I can only imagine how that is for you given he is in your circle now-- my best advice is to take time for yourself to heal before interacting -- it may seem unfair at times that you have to avoid people and places but think of it as temporary until you heal and can be around him and feel indifferent. Im like that now with the x that is around me almost daily-- i even literally bumped into him totally random last week and we did not speak and just kept walking. I could still function and went about my day and now can sorta laugh about it. so far today im feeling myself focus more on my life and stuff I have to get done in my own life. I am having moments where I wish things were different and I wish the current guy could have been who he pretended to be, but he of course isnt...and who knows what he is hiding...if he could fake it for three months.. he is most likely hiding much more than I know already. bottom line is he cant even reply saying hello to me or asking how I am doing, so thats enough for me to know hes not at all who I thought he was and my gut was right he did not intend to reach out to me at all.
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mamut
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Post by mamut on Jun 1, 2019 10:16:49 GMT
stuckinamoment Exactly. He's not the person you thought he was. You barely knew him. (Same goes for me). But, now you know him better. You're seeing his bad side and his bad side is something you don't want in any form of relationship. A friend of mine use to say that you get to really know a person by the way they break up with you. She did have a point. Break-ups are hard for the people who get rejected because the person who walks away already had time to process their decision. We just need time to catch up. We tend to project our feelings on them, thinking that they are in pain too,that they want us back and are looking for a solution, when the reality is far from that. At least that's what I've seen myself do and some others. For example, in order to catch up, I have conversations in my head with him of what will happen if he wants back or something, is basically me getting closure. It's me reminding his behavior and his decision. I always hit the "I can't do this, I can't be in a relationship" wall. It's his truth, I can't change that. And repeating it over and over in my head helps me realize how over it really is. It might sound stupid, but hey, that's how brains work, they need time, especially when something is ripped out before it even started. I actually find short term relationships harder to get over than long term.
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Post by 8675309 on Jun 1, 2019 13:00:32 GMT
Oh how I know the feeling of a tornado... the rejection, stonewalling, etc.
Its a gift to be on the other side though as much pain as he caused. Its changed my life in a good way 10 fold. Ive been Red Pilled in so many ways.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 1, 2019 15:28:04 GMT
mamut that's another thing i'm having difficulty with...he decided overnite because i forced a closure talk when i was triggered mostly by others opinions that i needed to tell him i would date others etc. when we had that talk on the phone and i asked why the day prior he was hugging me and saying we could meet up etc he said he had to sleep on it and see how bad he feels. so it wasn't even 24 hours. Mine seems to be struggling with his life, a family memeber of his is older and not doing well then he has issues with his son. he basically never should have gotten closer to me with all that going on. his son can't drive so he is basically the kids uber (which he never told me until the nite i bumped into him and he ran) if he was open with a lot of stuff i wouldn't have been triggered and thinking he was working late to get his mind off his ghost. he introduced her into the mix which triggered something that happened in my past i thought was similar to his ghost that guy in my lastand this guy even have the same name. i read a post on here from an avoidant last nite that if they have other emotional stuff going on they often will shut down. thats on this guy to deal with...there was once a time i thought i could help, but when he ran i saw the anxiety and pain he's dealing with. he doesn't want my help and honestly i don't want to help i have enough going on. what hurts me is that he said he needed space and for me to wait for him to reach out and that was six weeks ago and i've heard nothing at all from him. i even sent a nice text and nothing back. so i'm shut out i guess he still has no bandwidth for me but yet a few months back when i was handling so much i still had time for him and stupidly believed he cared and wanted to help me and as he said he thought we both were looking for sincere relationships. he had this going on back then as well just never let on he did. now he has no work so has less burdens and i stupidly assumed and believed he would reach back out but i guess he sees me as a complication. last saturday i avoided him but im not sure i will do so again if we are in the same place for me i just want peace of mind that if i go there i don't have to look to see if he's there etc it doesn't need to be like this ya know. that's what i find myself seeking just peace as i hate having to drive in there see his car and then watch my every move ...it's a food store with a pub attached as is i'm getting food delivered to avoid him even though he said if we saw each other we could be friends as he's fond of me. i've respected his space with just that one slip up text last saturday. even if he does reach out i doubt he will be back to being happy towards me ...and the only way we could be close friends is if he's in therapy because my friends reply to texts they don't ignore. even the few ex's that i maintained friendship with after a breakup never ignored me. i agree short term is harder as i lost a friend or feel like i did ...today is another not so great day for me i have food being delivered because i can't even shop there he used to help and we had fun now i stay home.... that's what i reinforce to that he doesn't even care how i'm getting groceries ..the last time we reconnected i asked for help and he was happy to help...but i won't do so again. i als have to decide by wednesday if i'm keeping my current therapist ..the online therapy charges by the month and it's getting expensive i'm also more emotional do to that time of the month i guess i hold out hope he may reach out one day like he claimed he would. i find myself thinkimg of how that would play out us meeting and me not drinking but sipping on some water outside in the sun and seeing it all in a new light and no longer wanting to be friends and him drinking and shutting me out or maybe doing his laugh he does when he doesn't know what to say. i would keep strong boundaries of no hugs etc he's also more of a cold weather person would try to get me out to the pub for snow storm celebration ..i always declined as i really didn't want to go out ..so glad i never did ..that's also my rush is that this is the time of the year i love .. wlso just now a friend i had to move to the outskirts of my life texts she's missing me..she judged me too much and i took distance and i will continue to do so ..i did this with another friend this week. they miss me because i don't judge or try not to... i did judge the guy though. all these dynamics of relationships have been exposed to me it's like i can't unsee stuff now. thanks for listening i can really relate to all you post
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