Really struggling

number9 Junior Member Posts: 62	Really struggling Jun 2, 2019 9:14:39 GMT Helsbells likes this Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by number9 on Jun 2, 2019 9:14:39 GMT Hi! I read this, I care, I'm thinking about this, and it's a late night for me. But please know this random stranger is thinking of you. xo (I will have more to say soon)

mamut
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Posts: 212

Really struggling Jun 2, 2019 9:37:47 GMT via mobile Helsbells likes this

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Post by mamut on Jun 2, 2019 9:37:47 GMT

Helsbells I'm so sorry you're going through this. What he did is inconsiderate to say the least. I don't have an instant fix, unfortunately. You're not alone, that's for sure.

It hurts. It's frustrating. It's everything bad, but I promise it gets better. You may never find out why he blocked you and I'd advise you to try not to think about it that much. Think of it as him showing another side you didn't know he had. Another reason to let go of this push n pull relationship that has already have you hurting for so long. You don't deserve this. None of us do. We deserve to have a healthy relationship and unfortunately, sometimes we can't have them with the ones we want. After the storm, we usually realise that the ones we wanted weren't actually good for us and that's how things start to get better. If a friend of yours were in a relationship like this, what would you advise them to do?

The best thing to do right now is work on you. I kept hearing this throughout the years but had no idea what it really meant until therapy and reading about attachment styles. Looking inwards to your AS is like a starting line and the benefits are way more important than a gold metal.

Remember, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you just might find, you get what you need.

Last Edit: Jun 2, 2019 9:38:08 GMT by mamut

mamut
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Posts: 212

Really struggling Jun 2, 2019 11:06:43 GMT via mobile

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Post by mamut on Jun 2, 2019 11:06:43 GMT

Helsbells oh yeah, you don't have to pressure yourself to do anything. If extra hours is what works for you, do that. I tend to drop anything I can, wallow for some days, go through the pain and all of the emotions for weeks and then I get slowly out of it because I basically exhaust myself. Not recommending it, just saying, everyone has their own ways. None is wrong.

I did find it helpful for me to observe my behavior while I was triggered and dig deep to find the roots. I'm sure when you're ready, you'll do the same.

I also found it extremely helpful to not pressure myself to get over it fast and most importantly, not to pressure myself to play it cool.

You feel what you feel, you're entitled to your feelings, treat them with respect. It's basically my way of putting my needs first for a change.

mamut
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Posts: 212

Really struggling Jun 2, 2019 11:12:17 GMT via mobile Helsbells likes this

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Post by mamut on Jun 2, 2019 11:12:17 GMT

Helsbells calling me secure made me pause. I sure hope I am, thank you for saying that! I do feel a lot better than previous years and I think I was selling myself short as to my progress.

This might just be me, but this is why I always tell people to be cautious with labels. You might not be as avoidant as you think you are. Labels have a tendency to suck us in!

tnr9
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Posts: 3,782

Really struggling Jun 2, 2019 13:03:56 GMT Helsbells likes this

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Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2019 13:03:56 GMT

Jun 2, 2019 9:06:31 GMT Helsbells said:

Please help
After a 17 month on off relationship/friendship being ghosted is really hurting.
Up date.
So since we broke up three months ago we have been in almost daily contact. We have both admitted to still loving and missing each other in this time.
He has sometimes given me mixed messages and I have reacted and we have cooled off for a few days but never for long and never a total phone block. A couple of weeks whilst talking on the phone I mentioned my kitchen fitter had asked me on a date. Baring in mind my ex is always saying I just want you to meet an amazing man like you deserve. So I told him but said I wasn't interested right now as I'm not over you.
I do feel things were never quite the same and his messages became very short. I tried to not initiate as much as I felt like I was bothering him suddenly, and after a few days he would say hi.
On Sunday last I looked at my WhatsApp and noticed his profile was gone.
I panicked and tried to text him but that too had been blocked.
I felt sick and wanted to cry.
I've never been blocked like this in all time together and just want to know why.
I messaged him on Instagram but it has gone unread.
Maybe this is the only way he feels we will ever move on but right now the pain is unbearable. He has just vanished.
I had to request to follow him on Instagram in order to message him and he hasn't blocked me.
I know I need to just forget him and move on but I'm constantly thinking about him every waking hour. How do you begin to heal from a broken heart. I'm sure he is hurting too but is managing to find the strength to keep me blocked.
Any support would be most welcome x

I am so sorry to here you are going through this @hellsbells. I too would panic and makes the assumption that he has deleted his WhatsApp because of me. But as a friend...I want to remind you that you don’t know the full story....and it really could have nothing to do with you. You are..in essence...gap/silence filling...connecting events and creating a story that seems to make sense...but hasn’t been proven. Maybe it was the result of someone else, or a personal decision to delete the app that had nothing to do with you. Perhaps he is grieving and the only way he knows how to handle his grief is to cut ties for a while. I think what is critical in this moment is to remember that you do not have that much influence over his behavior....what he does was formed decades ago and is about him and not necessarily a result of anything you have done. To me..if this truly is a result of your revealing that someone else asked you out...is an incredibly immature, childish and narcissistic response. You are broken up....you are allowed to see other people...love is not love unless it is freely given and the result of a daily choice. If he wanted to date you again...he had multiple opportunities.You are a beautiful, giving woman and you deserve to have a man who is clear in his messages and chooses you. I am sending hugs.

Last Edit: Jun 2, 2019 13:05:31 GMT by tnr9

Post by number9 on Jun 2, 2019 9:14:39 GMT

Post by mamut on Jun 2, 2019 9:37:47 GMT

Post by mamut on Jun 2, 2019 11:06:43 GMT

Post by mamut on Jun 2, 2019 11:12:17 GMT

Post by tnr9 on Jun 2, 2019 13:03:56 GMT