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Post by hannah99 on Jun 27, 2019 20:14:13 GMT
I know that after a breakup lots of people recommend cutting off contact, especially for those with anxious attachments, but I seem to be getting progressively worse since making the cut 6 weeks ago. Does anyone have any advice in keeping on touch with ex or suggestions as to how to cope better?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 27, 2019 22:14:51 GMT
Advice would be to cut contact and ignore the urges. Urges are strong I know but it gets easier with time.
You need to give yourself time.
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Post by stuckinamoment on Jun 28, 2019 3:52:58 GMT
Its tough--many say its like withdrawl from a drug. It was very tough for me and I never thought I would make it thru it... but I did and Im actually thankful he said he needed time and space and felt we both needed it. He ended up being correct.. although at times I felt it would have been easier if he had stayed in contact.
what helped me was focusing my energy inward and saying right now my x is not in my life, so I need to put that energy im putting into wishing we were talking back into myself and my life. I started eating better, and walking again.. even on days I cried half the day.. i would still eat and walk.
six weeks is still very early in the NC for you.. i remember at six weeks I was wishing I could reach out to the x was wondering why he wasnt contacting me.
now im am almost three months since we spoke and im much better... if we were to talk I am calmer , I feel less triggered and less AP. Im not looking for contact... or seeking it out. I never thought I would get to this point but here I am.
Therapy and this board helped me as well. Put the focus back on yourself because you are all you have in this world.
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Post by lilyg on Jul 2, 2019 12:12:24 GMT
I recommend you stay in NC. What helped me was to focus on myself and projects I care a lot about. Progressing on things you deem important will make you have a sense of belonging to yourself  it is the cure to a broken heart. I used to take myself on 'dates' too: museums, wine and dine, walks on beautiful places. And write here if you feel anxious! We have your back. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 2, 2019 16:12:06 GMT
Every day is a struggle. So much so I sometimes think it's making me worse.
I know we have a tendency to idealise past partners, but even now I see the relationship as a good one...I don't feel like time and distance has helped with my perspective in that sense.
I'm doing all the stuff you should...no contact, being kind to myself, planning for the future, keeping busy, but I still miss him like mad.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 2, 2019 16:22:01 GMT
What lilyg is saying is important. I've been where you are, hannah99, and if you don't feel secure about yourself then breakups feel so much worse. They're always going to be bad, because losing that bond hurts for anyone who cares about the other person. But if you can focus on yourself for a bit, stay busy doing things that allow you to build self-worth and confidence, that allow you to check in with yourself and introspect and grow, and that give you your own sense of purpose, it will stabilize your sense of self so that you don't feel as anxious from the feeling of abandonment. It's not about just staying busy enough to distract and avoid from the pain. It's about staying with yourself, busy but actually undistracted, sitting with yourself and seeing how you feel. Breakups are really hard. But the trick with attachment trauma is it adds layers and layers of pain, related to your long ago past and not the present or your now ex-partner, and it magnifies everything so much more than mourning the loss of closeness with someone you love. You can't automatically skip the pain of a meaningful break up no matter what your style, but focusing on your needs as you go through this will start to ease your anxiety. |
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Post by hannah99 on Jul 2, 2019 17:32:07 GMT
Thank you for your kind words. .
I find it's a real battle for me to be calm, patient and reflective. Sometimes I feel this self destructive drive to do what I know will hurt me because the pain will feel better than this slow and empty longing.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 3, 2019 4:56:54 GMT
I find it's a real battle for me to be calm, patient and reflective. Sometimes I feel this self destructive drive to do what I know will hurt me because the pain will feel better than this slow and empty longing.
This. This is exactly right. This is the crux of it, normal for attachment trauma, and where a lot of people get stalled and stuck. Lean into this further, look into it and explore it, and you're on the right track.
The slow and empty longing is a different type of more painful pain -- so painful, it hurts too much to face it. But this is how your body is telling you what's actually wrong, under all the layers, at the core. Even after becoming aware of attachment theory, some people will find confronting this part so scary that they will never be ready to do the healing work, but then they'll stay in the same painful patterns over and over without much growth and with some level of existing consistent mental anguish.
Think of it like this. Let's say you are sick and need minor surgery. Healing from the surgery will be really painful for a couple months, but then your illness will be gone for good. Or, you can feel slightly sick for as long as you can tolerate it, because the illness isn't life-threatening. You can avoid the surgery for years and years because you're afraid of the 2 months of front-loaded pain and think to yourself, well, maybe the current pain, the pain I already know how to "live with," is fine. You don't get the surgery. Two years later, you still feel pretty lousy. You could have felt better for a year and 10 months if you'd elected to have the surgery. People will have their own preferences and decisions for which option they choose, but you can choose to take a chance and face the pain, which you'll really regret on some days in those first two months when you feel horrible, but will get through if you put in the work. Or you can be in a little less pain indefinitely.
Healing attachment wounds really can be a battle! It isn't an easy thing, and I don't say that to be scary, just to set expectations. It's a battle that took me about 2.5 years to really get through with a lot of effort and focus, but AFTER the fact, it's been totally worth it.
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Post by serenity on Jul 15, 2019 1:28:51 GMT
I agree it can feel like withdrawral from a drug. You ultimately want `no contact' , but some people need to taper off, others can withdraw cold turkey.
My abandonment wound is so awful, I am someone who needs to taper. It does work when you are legitimately working towards NC or platonic friendship.
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Post by faithopelove on Jul 15, 2019 1:53:34 GMT
NC was soooo much easier in the days before cell phones....before we were only so easily connected! Texting is just so easy and tempting. That’s my struggle. I won’t call, but I’ll text.
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it is the cure to a broken heart.
