Feelings of loneliness when sing

Hey hannah99, good for you for taking time to be single and trying to figure out how to stick with and do the work instead of just finding a new relationship to repeat the last 16 years.

It's likely you're feeling the way you are, that only a partner can provide a salve to loneliness even though you have other fulfilling relationships in your life, because you are not entirely comfortable with yourself. If you're AP (or FA), the attachment definition comes with a negative view of self. This may be lack of self-esteem, of self-acceptance, feelings that others are better than / more valuable than self, and general inability to self-regulate emotionally and need others to externally do it for you or validate you.

What worked for me in dealing with all that was building my self-esteem. I took time alone to focus on myself. Not be selfish, just do things because I was interested in them and wanted to do them and ignore the feelings of what it might look like to someone else, or how would other people judge me for it, or what would other people want me to do instead. I traveled some, which not everyone likes or has resources to do, and spent some of that travel time alone and just saw and did and ate what I wanted to and used the new environment to figure out what stuff I liked and build trust in myself. I also made career and hobby decisions that may be considered less conventional where I am but were things I wanted to try (some of those efforts have been successful, some failures, but I also had to train myself out of the perfectionist perception that failure is the end of the world).

Do you have any interests or areas you can pursue truly for yourself, not for others or to impress others? Can you commit to an activity building yourself up in whatever way is important to you? Maybe creating exercise goals or starting a volunteer project, learning a new skill, whatever is important in life and interesting to you?

Out on the secure end, I'm quite extroverted and it doesn't mean I'm never lonely not being in a relationship, but the loneliness isn't filled with layers of negative feedback and is more comfortable and more fleeting now that I'm not solidly AP like I used to be. And I feel complete on my own, which I never did before.

hannah99 - I totally can relate to this. This is the longest I’ve been alone since I was 14 and I’m in my 40’s now. I think being alone is a very necessary part of my journey to secure. I honestly don’t know if I could make it to secure while depending on another relationship. I feel waves of loneliness, especially when my kids are with their dad every other weekend. The silence can be deafening, especially at night.

What to do now that we are alone? Fall in love with YOU. Fall head over heels in love with you. If insecurely attached you probably have issues from your childhood feeling unworthy or unloved in some way. Now is the time to foster that love and self-worth within. Write love notes to yourself in your journal. Take yourself on date night. Pamper yourself. Get a massage or pedicure or both! Do things just for yourself that you haven’t done in a while. Discover new things you like. Call an old friend and get together. I’m low key so I may wander the book store or the outlets, get take out and watch a good TV show or movie. I’m starting to get comfortable and enjoy being in my own space. You know what else? I got a puppy! A lot of work but I’m also pouring my love and affection into another living thing that loves me back unconditionally. And that is rewarding.

Surround yourself with things of beauty for you. Buy a new painting for the wall, flowers, a vase, a bath mat, candle- anything that looks beautiful to you and is there to please you and no one else. Create your own space that you enjoy. Get outside in the fresh air. I love summer nights. I go for long walks at night. I sometimes swing at the park with or without my kids!

I’m learning to be content by myself. Seeing it more as freedom. Alone but not lonely. I’m learning to live in the moment and not worry about the future or what it holds. Thinking about an uncertain future breeds anxiety. Focus on what makes you happy and what you need today. Be patient. Learning to love and accept yourself unconditionally may not have been modeled the best way by your caretakers so you will need to reparent yourself now in a kind and gentle fashion. It’s not too late 💗

hannah99 - Yes, I think you and probably a lot of insecures need to reframe their thinking into finding your own love and happiness within before sharing it with someone else. Self-awareness is the first step!

8675309 - Yes, I got myself a puppy! 🐾