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Post by gaynxious on Jun 26, 2017 18:22:01 GMT
So my ex DA ended out 10 year relationship about 10 months ago. In that time I have learned a lot about attachment theory and taken some honest inventories of myself and the relationship. I realized that for the bulk of those 10 years despite there being happy times I was largely dissatisfied. At the same time I am finding my way through singlehood and while I largely enjoy it I find I am not the same person I enjoyed being.
I have little focus, my work ethic has suffered both at work and in the gym. I find myself torn in many directions and unable to be alone with my feelings. While some of these I'm sure are more break up related, I'm wondering if this is just typical status quo for single anxious people. While I know now I cannot depend on anyone to make me happy, I feel simply being in a relationship would have me more grounded. I also tire from having to constantly find distractions from my feelings.
How do other anxious people cope with these issues?
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Post by joanneg on Jun 26, 2017 23:46:08 GMT
I am anxious/secure.
I feel like in the right relationship I am secure. My first 2 relationships where my boyfriends were committed and showed me a lot of affection I was fine.
Anxious for the last 2 relationships, where the 2 boyfriends were un affectionate and uncommitted.. Both definitely avoidants which obviously made my anxiety massively flare up. I am also living overseas and I feel being away from home makes my anxious attachment a lot more prominent.
Im 2 months post break up. His choice not mine. I know the relationship was not right, I almost knew it all along deep down however I kept "settling" and fantasizing that things would get better and was building this fantasy of how it could be. I was in the relationship out of loneliness I think.
I too am trying to look internally, learn about boundaries, consider what I want from a relationship, reflect etc.
I too feel like I would love a great relationship and in a way it would make me "whole" however I understand that I shouldn't look for anyone to complete me. I am trying to enjoy being single and get over an awful break up.
Im a romantic at heart and I think for some people it is in their nature that they want to be secure partnership. Build memories together and share them with someone.
I wish I could have a "a-ha" moment where It all clicks and I just feel completely happy on my own. A part of me really envies DA's because they can be so independent and shut emotions off.
The only way to distract from your feelings could be walking/yoga I guess. Something that involves a level of mindfulness as opposed to concentrating on a task like another hobby.
10 months post break up is not that long. especially if this is not the first relationship you have had with an avoid ant, its exhausting.
I find when I plan things with friends, trips away etc. it gives me something to look forward to so that in the moment I can then enjoy if there is not much going on.
I too would appreciate some advice.
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Post by gaynxious on Jun 29, 2017 14:29:27 GMT
It was my only long term relationship, 10 years. I mostly distract myself by working out, partying, hanging out with friends, traveling, making costumes for future parties, team sports. I really have to keep myself
Busy or i start to get depressed. I normally love being alone with my own thoughts but right now it's almost unbearable still.
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Post by ashamed on Jun 29, 2017 17:56:32 GMT
Definitely in the same situation. Its amazing how I can continue to reach out to someone I don't trust nor feel the same kind of love for. Evidence seems to support that both anxious and both dismissive are just toxic for each others own fulfillment of self. Push and pull . I can relate how you talk about being envious of da because I can barely function. It makes you feel even weaker than you already are. Its like we miss all the body language and facial expressions that leak the da real feelings of our insecurities. Their perception of our weaknesses just create even more doubt in the relationship and create pressure. Our perception creates doubt also. We live life with exactly opposite outlooks but seem to share the same fears deep down.
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Post by cricket on Jul 9, 2017 17:31:14 GMT
Nice to know Im not the only one. I do envy how DA's sometimes in how they can shut out emotional pain. But at the same time if u dont confront the pain and u shut it out then yiu never fully let in the joy and love of other people either. And i do believe part of this human experience is authentically connecting w others and having fun w others.
Thats why it hurts so much not to. So much so that some people have to numb the pain or shut out feelings all together.
I'm single again and part of me likes it and part of me feels socially unacceptable.
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