Post by stuckinamoment on Aug 9, 2019 22:56:09 GMT
I lost track of how many months it's been. Dug deep focused on myself started a volunteer job and love it.. So I heard a great band was playing at the spot my x and I would go. So since it's been so long I said wth I will go up So I walk in and he looks my way in disgust I walk towards the back and call a friend to see if they are stopping out. I turn around and walk back and there he is laughing with the one bartender and cashing out and running off so I say hello and he asks how I am and then I ask how he's handling his loses etc but he just looks so mad or something. I mean I just don't get it. I didn't even offer my help at all as its clear something just is not right with him It's hard to be laughed at or about too. I texted my therapist and came on here. I mean him no harm have given space and just now barely even spoke to him as I didn't want to be told I was badgering So in the end I guess we will never be friends he has more issues than I realized and literally ran out as if talking to me is so awful. Then a sad song played and I was the one getting out of sight. I do plan on staying. But didn't think this guy would run
Post by stuckinamoment on Aug 10, 2019 8:09:59 GMT
i can't really sleep that well tonite...i went to see a second band and my ears are ringing , ugh.... but i now see my x for what he is just a liar he's not fond of me at all, there will never be us meeting and chatting like he said ....
i'm not mad or upset i'm actually disturbed by this . it as such a bad creepy vibe i felt tonite ... when i used to feel positive vibes around him
i don't even remember what he said because it means nothing at all just more lies ... i saw him look in disgust i guess he thinks i never saw that ... well i did . he acted like i shouldn't be there
and it's taking all i can to not tell him i saw it all and we will never speak again ..i can't keep pretending that i don't see him up and run when i walk in tonite the excuse was he had to go sleep
i didn't care to ask questions at all i was just too upset that someone i cared for never ever cared for me at all .. it as all a lie
someone tonite said just g ire next time as he isn't worth a second glance from me i feel sick i even cared, sick i sent him a nice texts after he lost two people
there is no other way to view this i walked in he saw me and ran
i'm just glad i've worked on myself and have other stuff i'm involved with and soon this will pass but tonite the AP in me sunk low and this is not me at all
Keep focusing on you. This person will never bring you anything but unhappiness. When the time is right, you'll find someone else.
thanks i appreciate that....my mind still has difficulty processing the person he pretended to be , vs who he is now. I didn't expect him to run, mostly because i've been surrounding myself with consistent stable people... the look he had when he saw me and pretended not too was really unsettling and still is this morning .... i took him for his word that he was fond of me and we could talk and chat if we ran into each other
based on what another person told me his friend the bartender was talking about me to people i never even met yet so i just have to wonder if she said something to him that would cause this reaction .... as if i'm some huge bother to him. as if he has to maintain an image there with all of them
i literally felt felt like i was labeled as a crazy person
i cant say this is all attachment issues with him now ... i've owned my part in in way back in april but it appears where i have moved on he's stuck in disgust of me.
i did manage to have a good nite , the lead singer had me pick a few songs and she came and gave me a big hug and thanked me for coming out ...and i left with the two female friends i met with my head held up high .
while i i know it's not me ...there is more i need to work on in processing why i even care if he runs and that bartender laughs about me. i was also told that if they don't wait on me again to report them immediately.
stuckinamoment, I'm sorry you went through this and are anxiously triggered now. I found that an issue that came with my AP also was that very little felt worse than an imbalance in a relationship, ie if I felt significantly more or less for someone than they did for me. I'm still not entirely sure why this got programmed in, but what you can do about it is sit with yourself and accept that you had the capacity and capability to really care for someone, whether or not he was able to do the same (and honestly, you don't actually know how he feels, even if now he's acting like someone crappy who you don't need in your life). It's okay you cared, even if it didn't work out. Now, you just focus on doing what's best for you and moving on. Feel your feelings, anger and sadness, so they get processed. But the way towards letting it go is feeling the compassion for yourself that it was okay that you cared for someone, even if he's no longer proven worthy of your time.
I've been where you are. I had a particularly bad falling out with a DA I had been friends with for a few years and then we tried transitioning into more. Giant failure, and I lost a dear friend. I can distinctly remember two times he looked at me with such disgust and contempt afterwards and it really was awful. We've been no contact for several years now, and it is what it is. But it's with him that I really had to sit with figuring out why being on a different page than someone else felt so terrifying, and planting some seeds to reprogram that. It is an attachment issue thing, within yourself, and it's a lack of self-love/acceptance/compassion that gets turned into relationship all-or-nothing thinking (that if the relationship ends up on terms you didn't want, the rest wasn't true or worth it).
After you recover from that look he gave you, use it as an opportunity to uncover more about what you need to heal in this space. That's what's going to get you your power and balance back, without needing someone else (him) to help you regulate.
Post by stuckinamoment on Aug 14, 2019 16:07:59 GMT
thanks alexandra for your reply. It's been a challenge given it that time of the month for me and that just adds to me being more emotional. it seems the interactions with him fall at this time. the one time was when i asked for closure because i was confused. That's what caused all of this oddness with him...him fearing it all escalating and anything physical making him feel bad about himself etc.
Ive been thinking though that during the months we were just friends i never just showed up at that place. I would always text and say i would be out that way and then he would show up or act like he just arrived. Each time i've randomly showed up he has up and ran often leaving a full glass of wine. The look he gave me was the same one he had when i saw him four months ago ignore my text and then run out and right into me..a look of disgust. maybe he's ashamed to be seen out drinking too... when he claims to have so much doing on.
im having difficultly self regulating because i'm dealing with issues with my family as well and they are similar to this guy. i'm working thru it with my therapist, but it isn't easy.
i like to communicate and this guy is not open to that at all...also it's been mentioned in my other thread that this was insignificant ...if indeed it was then why such avoidance by him..just makes no sense really. i'm not trying to make sense of it just trying to make myself see he's just not who he pretended to be. he's out there talking to a bartender who he says is a friend vs talking to actual friends outside of the bar. i wanted to send him a text to let him know i know he's avoiding me and i'm just going to leave him alone and forget he said it was up to me if we talked and he was dnd of me.
i still sense there is somethimg more to it ...like he caused drama and has talked about me in a bad light and now can't be seen with me. it difficult because i used to believe people's words and now i no longer do especially his words.
this is all confusing because i'm now surrounded by mostly secure people ...no one that behaves like this and i've never had this happen and i hope it never does again, it's made me look at people differently and i'm very cautious and gravitate more towards women now than men.
im thankful i have my volunteer work now , where i'm surrounded by people with a similar moral compass as myself....i'm still guarded though but more trusting of my judgment in that situation. it's nice to be around people that are caring, calming and patient ... that aren't running from me but are drawn to me instead and i don't sense they are faking who they are ,and there is a more genuine feeling.
im still sad though that he can't even be in the same place as me...it just really sux.
Post by stuckinamoment on Aug 23, 2019 3:38:07 GMT
i'm feeling much better and was able to self regulate. i also had no choice but to focus my attention on my own life , although it cost me financially ..in a way it was a wake up call that i needed. I would say this has been the most profound week since the break. Not once did i even think of reaching out to him.
i had the chance to interact with a few people this week and all interactions were positive ... i find i'm trusting my own judgements again and i'm not as fearful to look for flags.
i did have a friend call in the beginning of the week and tell me somehow the xs good friend now has her job back at the place we met at... i'm thankful i was told this because now i can avoid more drama or atleast be prepared.
i'm finding more people i relate to who are more open than my x was and now i see what i overlooked when first meeting him.
i'm not attaching myself to people like i have in the past...especially people i'm just getting to know . i'm not overly guarded ..it's more of a healthier boundary i'm having
overall i'm about 98% over my x i just wish the rest of the stress in my life would resolve sooner or later , but i'm working on that as well.