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Post by iz42 on Aug 31, 2019 23:12:44 GMT
I posted in the DA forum about my relationship with my ex who seems to be FA or DA or both. Going no contact with him permanently is new and it's going to be a big challenge. In this relationship I have been very AP (and in one other past other relationship as well). I feel like my AP has become more and more activated in this dynamic and I feel ashamed of how I acted. I never called him when I was upset about his distancing but I texted him multiple times even when he didn't respond. I got hurt and jealous and regretted expressing my feelings because he would withdraw. I initiated most of our interactions and felt rejected when he would disappear. I feel humiliated by how needy I was, and I'm struggling with self compassion. I feel like if I just could have let him go and handled things differently I would have avoided all this pain and wasted time. I'm so frustrated with myself. I know things will improve over time but the shame is the worst part right now. Would appreciate any advice.
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Post by serenity on Aug 31, 2019 23:51:07 GMT
There's nothing to be ashamed about; you were in a relationship and developed an attachment to someone who seemed to love you. When the attachment gets severed for no reason, most people get triggered very badly. Its hurts. Its frightening too. Its not at all unusual to make a fool of yourself. He's probably seen this reaction many, many times, and I doubt he thinks poorly of you because of it. He deactivated because its his attachment style, and he can't help it.... not because of how many or how few texts you sent.
Having No contact is a great idea. Take as much space as you need to get over him. You may find that you can be good friends down the track, which can also be very nice.
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Post by 8675309 on Sept 1, 2019 2:51:54 GMT
As secure I felt some of those types of things with my FA. Sure there is 'AP' and there is just being human feeling rejected. Not everything is just attachment, we are human, we are biologically wired to make connections with people.
Im pretty darn secure in myself, etc and my FA stung me hard. Sure own you're AP and work on it but know sometimes its just human.
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Post by iz42 on Sept 6, 2019 18:39:08 GMT
Thanks 8675309 . You’re right - I appreciated what you said about human responses to rejection. I need to give myself space. I’m really struggling today. Feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of letting go. I felt like I had made progress but I’m back to feeling jealous of my ex’s new relationship. I blocked him but my friend told me he’s been posting pictures with her. I told her I don’t want to know about that stuff in the future. The hardest thing is to think that he’s happy and enjoying this exciting new relationship while I’m miserable trying to let go and move on. I know I need to focus on myself but some days it’s hard to figure out how to do that. My whole body feels heavy and I’m having trouble getting any work done. I have to find a way to get motivated. |
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