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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 4, 2019 22:27:22 GMT
Thought I would update and share where I am at.
The intrusive thoughts are always there. It’s been almost 3 months and I am sick all the time, I just sob. I miss him. I put him on a pedestal and default to good memories. This time last year he taught be fishing and it’s all I can do to not ruminate on that beautiful experience. It was the most romantic night of my entire life. I am still blocked from messaging because I totally broke and sent a message. I was so relieved that I was still blocked. I still could message him on FB, but I don’t and I haven’t blocked him. I know exactly why this is. It is me hanging on. It’s me thinking he left that door open because he really couldn’t cut me out of his life.
But this man, beyond his FA is just horrible. I should thank my lucky stars he left me for another. I know this intellectually of course. But, that narrative is still not the default. I still miss him.
I feel crazy like I will never find peace again. I feel like it was all my fault and that he really didn’t have a problem that it was just me. Of course I know this just can’t be the case.
The good is I am back at work kicking tail and engaging again in things I enjoy. I’m still working hard in therapy and working out. I’ve started to meditate and just try to sit still with these feelings and let them pass.
I am going to go to a soul tie cutting session and have been instructed to delete and block before then. And I will. I don’t know that I necessarily believe in such a thing but maybe it will bring some relief even as a symbolic moment.
Hugs to you all.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 5, 2019 12:03:39 GMT
Thought I would update and share where I am at. The intrusive thoughts are always there. It’s been almost 3 months and I am sick all the time, I just sob. I miss him. I put him on a pedestal and default to good memories. This time last year he taught be fishing and it’s all I can do to not ruminate on that beautiful experience. It was the most romantic night of my entire life. I am still blocked from messaging because I totally broke and sent a message. I was so relieved that I was still blocked. I still could message him on FB, but I don’t and I haven’t blocked him. I know exactly why this is. It is me hanging on. It’s me thinking he left that door open because he really couldn’t cut me out of his life. But this man, beyond his FA is just horrible. I should thank my lucky stars he left me for another. I know this intellectually of course. But, that narrative is still not the default. I still miss him. I feel crazy like I will never find peace again. I feel like it was all my fault and that he really didn’t have a problem that it was just me. Of course I know this just can’t be the case. The good is I am back at work kicking tail and engaging again in things I enjoy. I’m still working hard in therapy and working out. I’ve started to meditate and just try to sit still with these feelings and let them pass. I am going to go to a soul tie cutting session and have been instructed to delete and block before then. And I will. I don’t know that I necessarily believe in such a thing but maybe it will bring some relief even as a symbolic moment. Hugs to you all. You are not alone at all...2.5 YEARS for me....on a man that I “dated” for 10.5 months. Just acknowledge the pain...ask yourself what the rumination is trying to share with you....are you afraid of never experiencing that with anyone else? Are you afraid you missed out with him? (Soul level). There is some lesson that rumination is trying to teach....I think what I am learning is to treat my rumination different then my parents did....to be gentle with myself. It is great that you are in meditation. I took a soul cutting webinar with an NOD that I dated and it did work. |
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Post by number9 on Sept 5, 2019 19:29:09 GMT
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 5, 2019 22:00:45 GMT
Thought I would update and share where I am at. The intrusive thoughts are always there. It’s been almost 3 months and I am sick all the time, I just sob. I miss him. I put him on a pedestal and default to good memories. This time last year he taught be fishing and it’s all I can do to not ruminate on that beautiful experience. It was the most romantic night of my entire life. I am still blocked from messaging because I totally broke and sent a message. I was so relieved that I was still blocked. I still could message him on FB, but I don’t and I haven’t blocked him. I know exactly why this is. It is me hanging on. It’s me thinking he left that door open because he really couldn’t cut me out of his life. But this man, beyond his FA is just horrible. I should thank my lucky stars he left me for another. I know this intellectually of course. But, that narrative is still not the default. I still miss him. I feel crazy like I will never find peace again. I feel like it was all my fault and that he really didn’t have a problem that it was just me. Of course I know this just can’t be the case. The good is I am back at work kicking tail and engaging again in things I enjoy. I’m still working hard in therapy and working out. I’ve started to meditate and just try to sit still with these feelings and let them pass. I am going to go to a soul tie cutting session and have been instructed to delete and block before then. And I will. I don’t know that I necessarily believe in such a thing but maybe it will bring some relief even as a symbolic moment. Hugs to you all. You are not alone at all...2.5 YEARS for me....on a man that I “dated” for 10.5 months. Just acknowledge the pain...ask yourself what the rumination is trying to share with you....are you afraid of never experiencing that with anyone else? Are you afraid you missed out with him? (Soul level). There is some lesson that rumination is trying to teach....I think what I am learning is to treat my rumination different then my parents did....to be gentle with myself. It is great that you are in meditation. I took a soul cutting webinar with an NOD that I dated and it did work. I actually think about you frequently❤️ I like the way you look at that. I do think I am having such a hard time letting go for several reasons. One because he was supposed to be my friend and I always looked up to him. I think I wish I would have stayed in the shallow end with him. I am also ruminating that he has managed to make me seem so terrible and sort of use my behavior to release himself of his cowardly actions. I think about the night I showed up on his doorstep because he wouldn’t talk to me about being pregnant. I was so scared he would be mad. I think, if a friend of mine showed up in such a way during a situation I would have sat down and had some tea for them and just listened. You know? I just think maybe this says more about his character vs. his attachment style? What do you guys think? I feel like I can ask as a FA, is the lying and cheating and discarding so common? My therapist who also saw him ( he stopped going) says he is not a narcissist. Maybe borderline. But I wonder if maybe he is just an asshole attachment issue or not? I am also right there with you in not understanding his current relationship and his being seemingly so all in. I know these problems didn’t just fade away but it makes ME feel like I was the problem. Or maybe I was too fat or old and just plain stupid to believe any of it💔 How are you doing? I LOVE that you have experience with a soul tie cutting and that it helped. Would you do that for B? |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 5, 2019 22:01:24 GMT
Awe❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thank you so much! |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 6, 2019 3:17:02 GMT
I think I will look more into those and see. I just swear there is just so much more to this individual. She thinks he has empathy. I don’t know... seems like to me if someone showed up at your doorstep panicked about an unplanned pregnancy, empathy would be sitting down and making them tea and listen and comfort them. Something about him not seeing how horrible he acted... it does make me wonder that’s why I ask her all the time if she is sure....
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 6, 2019 11:34:40 GMT
You are not alone at all...2.5 YEARS for me....on a man that I “dated” for 10.5 months. Just acknowledge the pain...ask yourself what the rumination is trying to share with you....are you afraid of never experiencing that with anyone else? Are you afraid you missed out with him? (Soul level). There is some lesson that rumination is trying to teach....I think what I am learning is to treat my rumination different then my parents did....to be gentle with myself. It is great that you are in meditation. I took a soul cutting webinar with an NOD that I dated and it did work. I actually think about you frequently❤️ I like the way you look at that. I do think I am having such a hard time letting go for several reasons. One because he was supposed to be my friend and I always looked up to him. I think I wish I would have stayed in the shallow end with him. I am also ruminating that he has managed to make me seem so terrible and sort of use my behavior to release himself of his cowardly actions. I think about the night I showed up on his doorstep because he wouldn’t talk to me about being pregnant. I was so scared he would be mad. I think, if a friend of mine showed up in such a way during a situation I would have sat down and had some tea for them and just listened. You know? I just think maybe this says more about his character vs. his attachment style? What do you guys think? I feel like I can ask as a FA, is the lying and cheating and discarding so common? My therapist who also saw him ( he stopped going) says he is not a narcissist. Maybe borderline. But I wonder if maybe he is just an asshole attachment issue or not? I am also right there with you in not understanding his current relationship and his being seemingly so all in. I know these problems didn’t just fade away but it makes ME feel like I was the problem. Or maybe I was too fat or old and just plain stupid to believe any of it💔 How are you doing? I LOVE that you have experience with a soul tie cutting and that it helped. Would you do that for B? I am up and down but holding strong and not contacting B or looking at his profile....I have not blocked him....i don’t think I need to because he is has a new gf and his focus will be all about her. I have honestly never experienced that side of B....so yeah...there was a bit of jealousy....but....there just isn’t any point to it. I am me....I am aware...I am working on the bits of myself that are still insecure and I do believe that I am worthy of a person who loves all of me. Life is hard enough so why struggle so much in a relationship? The soul tie cutting work I did with an NPD I dated who left my self worth in shambles....I honestly could “feel” him after he broke up with me so I needed to let him go in love....with B, I have been using prayer and that has been working. I pray every day to love B the way that God does and it does help. I do wish you well. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 6, 2019 15:59:41 GMT
kisstheviolets, whether he has empathy or not truly doesn't matter. What matters is he was horrible to you and not a safe partner. If he was still in your life, he wouldn't change and new damage would be done. He'd just keep abandoning you due to his own issues and how he deals with them, which means you don't need him but he will keep triggering your fear of abandonment (part of the AP or FA equation, and it floods the nervous system with anxiety). The way around it is taking focus off him entirely and building yourself up -- not abandoning yourself, which makes it less impactful for him to abandon you. Be nice and be patient with yourself here... you didn't deserve what he did or for anyone to treat you that way.
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 7, 2019 14:58:40 GMT
kisstheviolets, whether he has empathy or not truly doesn't matter. What matters is he was horrible to you and not a safe partner. If he was still in your life, he wouldn't change and new damage would be done. He'd just keep abandoning you due to his own issues and how he deals with them, which means you don't need him but he will keep triggering your fear of abandonment (part of the AP or FA equation, and it floods the nervous system with anxiety). The way around it is taking focus off him entirely and building yourself up -- not abandoning yourself, which makes it less impactful for him to abandon you. Be nice and be patient with yourself here... you didn't deserve what he did or for anyone to treat you that way. Thank you Alexandra💕 I can absolutely tear myself down. Today in my thoughts I just kept catching myself calling myself a stupid whore when thinking about certain situations. It’s awful. It is very comforting to have reminders that I didn’t deserve it and it was terrible and I did the best I could do and that I HAVE to keep going. |
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Post by serenity on Sept 9, 2019 6:03:13 GMT
Hugs Violets <3
It really will be okay, give it time, honey. The pain will fade, and you will reclaim your life and all the parts that became tattered because of that relationship. You may have been holding to hope for so long now as compensation for the parts of your life that got harmed or abandoned. Hope may have become your life raft, and its hard to give that up, and face the broken pieces. A relationship like what you've experienced is so very damaging; it sent your anxiety through the roof, shot your sense of stability and possibly your self worth. You lost a child that you wanted. You were treated with disrespect and discarded without any fairness or reason attached to it.
So be gentle with yourself, its going to take some time. Pick up the pieces one by one, you know you can do it.
BTW i think I saw your pic the other day as an avatar briefly? If that was you, you're a truly gorgeous woman, still young too! You will find new love.
<3
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 15, 2019 2:43:08 GMT
Hugs Violets <3 It really will be okay, give it time, honey. The pain will fade, and you will reclaim your life and all the parts that became tattered because of that relationship. You may have been holding to hope for so long now as compensation for the parts of your life that got harmed or abandoned. Hope may have become your life raft, and its hard to give that up, and face the broken pieces. A relationship like what you've experienced is so very damaging; it sent your anxiety through the roof, shot your sense of stability and possibly your self worth. You lost a child that you wanted. You were treated with disrespect and discarded without any fairness or reason attached to it. So be gentle with yourself, its going to take some time. Pick up the pieces one by one, you know you can do it. BTW i think I saw your pic the other day as an avatar briefly? If that was you, you're a truly gorgeous woman, still young too! You will find new love. <3 You are so kind and such a warm light. I did put my picture up but then thought maybe that wasn't so smart! I am 40 though! haha Also, thank you for your empathy and words of encouragement. This week I have been a mess. Lots of crying and I even self harmed which was really weird. I get so tired of feeling possessed by this constant feeling of grief and missing him. I feel like I can barely take much more and that I have grieved enough. I literally have basically cried and felt terrible for the past two years and I want to move on sooo bad. I still feel like I put him on a pedestal and blame myself. Thank you for believing in me. Hugs right back  |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 16, 2019 22:11:05 GMT
kisstheviolets are you ok? I was alarmed to read that you self harmed recently. I hope you're getting support from a therapist.
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Post by dhali on Sept 17, 2019 15:50:05 GMT
For a more in-depth understanding of the narcissist, listen to www.jordanharbinger.com/wendy-behary-disarming-the-narcissist/This is a 2-parter, but very informative. Also, not dissimilar to the FA, DA or AP, none of it is their fault. Part 2 goes into what makes someone a narcissist. It's not too far off from what makes someone AP, FA, or DA. It's A hell on earth for them (from the sounds of it). None of us would want to live that sort of life. It also doesn't excuse their behavior, and you're ALWAYS best off avoiding a narcissist. |
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Post by kisstheviolets on Sept 18, 2019 23:48:21 GMT
kisstheviolets are you ok? I was alarmed to read that you self harmed recently. I hope you're getting support from a therapist. <3 Thank you for checking in on me. I was alarmed as well. I have been in therapy for around 6 months now. She says I am in a loop. I have had some med adjustments but that could take 6 weeks are so. The grief is just as heavy as it was in the beginning. My thoughts are all on his good qualities and whats more is that I find myself really fantasizing about him sexually. I run, I clean, I meditate, I journal, I go grocery shopping, I do all the things but at some point in the day, it feels like my skin is inside out and every nerve hurts and I just panic. Total panic. It angers me as I think I am so tired of being sad, so tired of HIM HIM HIM. I just want it to stop. So I briefly picked up this large screw that was near and self harmed. It was really bizarre for me. Today we decided to step up the days of EMDR to two a week and focus on these thoughts instead of more generalized through the lifetime issues. Thank you again and lots of hugs! |
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Post by iz42 on Sept 19, 2019 0:57:17 GMT
kisstheviolets It's good to hear from you. This sounds like a living hell and I'm so sorry you're going through it. I've been struggling with an eating disorder that I thought I had completely recovered from, another form of self harm I guess. So I get it. It doesn't seem like there is a standard timeline for grief and it sounds like you're doing everything you possibly can to get better. I hope the increased EMDR helps <3
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