soho
Junior Member
Posts: 54 
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Post by soho on Jul 17, 2017 13:47:32 GMT
I am AP, my wife is DA, and apart from the beginning, (the lack of) sex and intimacy have always been a struggle in our marriage.
One reason is that my wife almost always rejects me. She s mostly a cerebral DA and says sex is dirty.
On the other hand my libido is probably above average (but still normal). I've been in therapy for 1 year now and have learned that sex is important to me because it's my way of gaining confidence / feeling "reassured". I'm learning to be more open, express more emotions and have more trust in other people. All of this should reduce my focus on sex.
In a relationship with a secure person I would feel more confident and the need for (physical) confirmation would be lower. Now, I'm so often busy trying to find ways to "seduce" my wife, reading books, giving her space, doing most of the household tasks, ... all of this for intimacy and sex.
In a way it's normal, and I could just divorce and search for a secure partner. But what if I were single, or if I just want to be less dependent of intimacy, next from what I'm learning in therapy, what could I do?
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Post by cricket on Jul 17, 2017 16:58:50 GMT
That sounds like a very hard situation to be in. I commend you for going to therapy . Thats awesome and will be such a great help for you ultimately when you make a decision about what u want to do.
I wish I had some sage advice here. All that comes to my mind is looking for confidence through someone elses actions is never a good idea. Most people dont have enogh confidence for themselves so how can we expect them to provide that to us.
Another thing is if you keep looking at what is lacking from her you will keep getting just that. We get what we expect. I assume in the beginning it wasnt like that? Try to remember those feelings, how you saw her back then.
Good luck though, I really hope everything works out the way its supposed to.
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Post by mrcamper on Jul 27, 2017 0:55:37 GMT
Yeah, sounds like a rough situation and I hear you. And I agree with cricket in that your can't do more and do more to 'win love'. It would almost seem doing less is better. You need to work on YOU. Maybe to say to find the validation in you and to focus on you, not her. You're not going to find it in her no matter how hard you try. I could recommend the book no more mr. nice guy, and also say to go workout, get some good guy friends, find a hobby you really enjoy. Work on you and get you happy.
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wg
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by wg on Sept 13, 2017 13:53:07 GMT
I have the exact same situation; I've tried for years to make myself more desirable in an effort to win affection/sex. It doesn't work. I would also recommend the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. The problem is that at the end of the day, even after focusing on satisfying my emotional needs for my self and finding some success in doing that, I come back to the basic need of wanting someone to love me and wanting someone who can accept a little bit of my affection for them. I bet you feel the same. I wish there were some better answers for guys in our situation.
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raco
Junior Member
Posts: 81
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Post by raco on Sept 13, 2017 15:16:13 GMT
The problem is that at the end of the day, even after focusing on satisfying my emotional needs for my self and finding some success in doing that, I come back to the basic need of wanting someone to love me and wanting someone who can accept a little bit of my affection for them. It's not a problem, unless it's some kind of love addiction. You should not fight your need for intimacy if this need is not unhealthy. Here's a quote from Alan Graham, a psychotherapist ( taken from here): |
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Post by cricket on Sept 13, 2017 17:10:42 GMT
I have to agree, while becoming focused on yourself and self-love and respect is a great start, the most lonely feeling is being in the house w someone and not having any interaction w them. I live alone now and all my self focus and work I'm doing makes me feel so great and loved but when I was living w my ex and working on myself I was still reminded how emotionally alone I was. I feel much more fulfilled actually being alone and healthy versus w someone and not healthy.
Also yes we need to acknowledge our own needs but I know for me it's a fine line between getting my needs met and me being too needy and losing myself since my style has been AP my whole life.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2017 3:48:31 GMT
I am AP, my wife is DA, and apart from the beginning, (the lack of) sex and intimacy have always been a struggle in our marriage. One reason is that my wife almost always rejects me. She s mostly a cerebral DA and says sex is dirty. On the other hand my libido is probably above average (but still normal). I've been in therapy for 1 year now and have learned that sex is important to me because it's my way of gaining confidence / feeling "reassured". I'm learning to be more open, express more emotions and have more trust in other people. All of this should reduce my focus on sex. In a relationship with a secure person I would feel more confident and the need for (physical) confirmation would be lower. Now, I'm so often busy trying to find ways to "seduce" my wife, reading books, giving her space, doing most of the household tasks, ... all of this for intimacy and sex. In a way it's normal, and I could just divorce and search for a secure partner. But what if I were single, or if I just want to be less dependent of intimacy, next from what I'm learning in therapy, what could I do? You have a normal male sex drive, you've been sexually defrauded, and your therapist, like virtually all licensed therapists nowadays, is gynocentric and is engaging in misandric shaming tactics because it's politically incorrect in our society to hold females accountable for anything they do. Let me guess: Your wife had no problem being sexual with you before the marriage, right? If so, just say NO to their shaming tactics. They're the fraudsters, you're the victim, and neither your wife nor your counselor want you to realize what's happening because then you might leave the plantation. Western spoiled rotten feminist women, who thanks to men now have more conveniences and rights than any women of any era before them, have, with their insatiable appetite for special privileges which they call "equality," killed the Goose that lays the Golden Eggs (marriage) for them. Women marry a "pet wallet" now, defraud him sexually, and then divorce-rape him for the cash and prizes when he has accumulated enough resources. Marriage is dead in the West. It ain't coming back. There is longer ANYthing in it for men (except for MASSIVE precarious risk), and men finally are awakening to it. (Western women insert your collective "Gulp" here.) Men don't need marriage; women need marriage. Men can get sex without marriage; women can't get the provisions they need without marriage. Cut Section 8 support to women as well like is happening now, and women are in a lot of trouble as Western civ collapses. Prostitution and polygyny will be making a big come back as it all declines. The failure of feminism was always innately built into itself. Where this fits into female DAs is, as I found out first hand through the gynocentric counseling I was subjected to, a female DA can hide FOREVER her defrauding behavior from scrutiny, because in our society, it's all about pleasing the woman and blaming the man. So you take a female DA who acted hyper sexual (love bombing) to entrap a man into marriage, then promptly turned off the sex spigot once she's got his wallet signed over to her and the State, and she's never going to be held accountable for that by today's gynocentric therapist. The automatic, assumed foundation from which a gynocentrically State-licensed therapist (secular or religious) must approach this problem must NEVER be "How can we remind and reprove this wife to stop denying her body to her husband which she pledged to him?" their fundamental starting point instead is always, "How can we shame and cajole this woman's bipedal, talking mule into not inconveniencing her?" If the therapist wants to keep their license, they have to approach it like this, because the State itself has completely surrendered to feminist ideology. A male DA can only run so far from promises he made to his bride before a therapist will call him on the carpet for it; a female DA can run and hide forever her fraud and neglect of her spouse, because holding women accountable in our society is really risky anymore. |
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sammy
New Member
Posts: 10 
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Post by sammy on Oct 26, 2017 8:37:08 GMT
I have to agree, while becoming focused on yourself and self-love and respect is a great start, the most lonely feeling is being in the house w someone and not having any interaction w them. I live alone now and all my self focus and work I'm doing makes me feel so great and loved but when I was living w my ex and working on myself I was still reminded how emotionally alone I was. I feel much more fulfilled actually being alone and healthy versus w someone and not healthy. Also yes we need to acknowledge our own needs but I know for me it's a fine line between getting my needs met and me being too needy and losing myself since my style has been AP my whole life. |
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sammy
New Member
Posts: 10
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Post by sammy on Oct 26, 2017 8:56:05 GMT
I have to agree, while becoming focused on yourself and self-love and respect is a great start, the most lonely feeling is being in the house w someone and not having any interaction w them. I live alone now and all my self focus and work I'm doing makes me feel so great and loved but when I was living w my ex and working on myself I was still reminded how emotionally alone I was. I feel much more fulfilled actually being alone and healthy versus w someone and not healthy. Also yes we need to acknowledge our own needs but I know for me it's a fine line between getting my needs met and me being too needy and losing myself since my style has been AP my whole life. Hi Cricket I totally agree with you. The sense of freedom living alone is wonderful. I feel so much less lonely than I did living with ex DA. Again, at the beginning of the relationship sex with him was frequent and fabulous. 2 years in I found I was getting more and more frustrated, at the lack of sex life we had. i felt sex was the glue that bonded us. He had actually quoted that at the beginning of the relationship, he blamed drinking on the dimise of our sex life. However, i think it was DA boredom. The rare times we did have sex he wanted to do it in the dark ( I suppose so he could fantasize as DA is prone to) By the way I'm an attractive 52 year old who looks 10 years younger and gets plenty of admiring glances from men. He has often paid me compliments on my looks too. So AP women can also feel terribly neglected in this area as well. |
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