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Post by bobandys on Nov 2, 2019 14:38:36 GMT
What a fantastic community-thanks for the opportunity to be here.
Background: Met guy online (me in MN, him in TX). Within 10 days he bought a ticket to see me and we met two weeks later. Dating exclusively. He discloses a rough child hood, abandonment by his parents, grew up in foster care, joined the Navy at 18. No meaningful relationships to speak of. Textbook avoidant in so many other ways.
Mid January-June is a fantastic whirlwind- facetiming every night, texts throughout the day, shared a lot about ourselves and our histories, I visited him early April, had plans to see him in July.
July-I brought up something that was on my mind (feeling like the compliments had slowed down drastically and asked if everything was ok) and got the "I can't do this anymore" from him. I was blindsided and devastated.
Mid August-shocking! He texts asks how I'm doing. After doing a lifetime worth of reading on attachment styles it's clear he's avoidant and I fell right into the anxious role despite knowing better.
September I fly down to see him again. Things are wonderful-so many kisses, hand holding, emotional intimacy, he mentions he wants me to meet the few members of his family he's closest to.
October 24-27 I fly down again (there's so much more to do where he is than where I am and I don't mind flying) and again am greeted with warmth, kisses, romance, I met his friends that told me they've never met anyone he's dating, makes me breakfast, pampers me, calls me his dogs' mom, talks about coming here in January, offers to buy me a computer so I can game with him online, buys me expensive motorcycle gear to ride with him, words and actions are in harmony...long hug goodbye at the airport.
Yesterday I referred to him as my boyfriend and he as politely as he can says no. I give him the list of all the boyfriend-type things he did and he gives crap excuses of how they didn't mean anything.
Once again, I'm heart broken and cannot believe I knowingly allowed this to happen. He "jokes" that he has no feelings and part of that is he doesn't notice other people's feelings and didn't intend to lead me on.
I have not spoken with him since yesterday and fully expect to hear from him within a few weeks and him ready to do this cycle all over again. But I don't want to deal with this heartbreak a third time.
In your experience with avoidants- do they seem to consciously know what they're doing? He's not a bad guy and his intentions are not malicious. It's just beyond me that someone can do so many relationship like gestures and not understand how they could be misconstrued.
Thanks for listening-you guys are great!
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 2, 2019 15:23:46 GMT
From what I’ve read and experienced with avoidants, they aren’t in touch with their emotions. They prefer to suppress them. They aren’t in touch with their own and don’t want to hear about yours. It sounds like drama to them and is overwhelming.
My DA gave me an eye opener once when he told me he actually liked feeling pain because it let him know he’s “alive.” Although severely DA, I had no idea how numb he really was...it also let me see he had some awareness of his deficit and longing to feel but made no attempt to seek help. This numbness in the past protected them and if this defense mechanism continues in the present, it allows them to bury feelings and walk away more easily than others.
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Post by bobandys on Nov 2, 2019 15:31:01 GMT
That is fantastic insight and it is an incredibly foreign concept to me-like I genuinely would not know how to suppress my feelings much in the same way he doesn't know how to accept his I suppose. He's nowhere near even understanding attachment styles or interested in therapy so there would be a lot of work involved to even flirt with the idea of a healthy relationship. I find myself very angry at whatever moment(s) happened in his life that made him decide this was an easier way to be.
Thank you for your time and thoughts!
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Post by lovebunny on Nov 2, 2019 15:35:25 GMT
Your guy sound like the FA woman I dated for 8 1/2 months, who declared, 3 months after spending every night together, that we were NOT girlfriends, she told me "I can't be there for you like that." I pointed out that her words and her actions were out of alignment, because she certainly ACTED like my girlfriend, demanding I don't date other people, spending all our spare time together, introducing me to friends and coworkers, buying gifts, etc.. When she saw I was ready to walk away without a commitment, she relented and seemed all in for the next several months.
This, plus things she said like that she never loved anyone, that she never missed her girlfriends after breaking up, stories about her upbringing, etc., were the red flags. Eventually, we had our first big fight/bad week,right before we were going to take a vacation together for the first time, and she dumped me. Even after that, she wanted to be "friends" and basically act like my girlfriend. But that wasn't going to work, so no.
My understanding is that it's unconscious on their part, and saying "this isn't a relationship" even when it clearly is a relationship attempts to create distance so they feel more comfortable. Chances are good that if you stay, this push-pull confusing dynamic will continue indefinitely.
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Post by bobandys on Nov 2, 2019 15:41:44 GMT
Well. Indefinitely I cannot do! And you're so right-the first time I respected the end of the relationship he was the first to make contact. I can guarandamntee it's going to happen again. There's no way I want to go through this a third time no matter how great those wonderful and heart warming moments were. And like your ex, the flags were there and I saw them but excused them as, well, more of an orange flag.  It's so great to have resources to understand him and more importantly understand why this is not a relationship to invest in. I truly hate that we've experience this type of grief but thankful for a community that is understanding and nonjudgemental! Thank you for sharing your experience! |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 2, 2019 15:43:31 GMT
That is fantastic insight and it is an incredibly foreign concept to me-like I genuinely would not know how to suppress my feelings much in the same way he doesn't know how to accept his I suppose. He's nowhere near even understanding attachment styles or interested in therapy so there would be a lot of work involved to even flirt with the idea of a healthy relationship. I find myself very angry at whatever moment(s) happened in his life that made him decide this was an easier way to be. Thank you for your time and thoughts! Agreed- I think I feel everything, maybe too much so! Avoidants just don’t feel safe close and vulnerable and will pull away if you ask for more or if they just feel too close. I asked mine for more a month ago and he told me to move on...in a text. Very cut, dry and without any feeling. It’s hurtful to be on the receiving end of cavalier treatment and avoidants feel justified in that even if they genuinely do care or love you, they feel incapable and incompetent at relationships so they feel it’s better to let go. |
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Post by bobandys on Nov 2, 2019 15:50:50 GMT
That is fantastic insight and it is an incredibly foreign concept to me-like I genuinely would not know how to suppress my feelings much in the same way he doesn't know how to accept his I suppose. He's nowhere near even understanding attachment styles or interested in therapy so there would be a lot of work involved to even flirt with the idea of a healthy relationship. I find myself very angry at whatever moment(s) happened in his life that made him decide this was an easier way to be. Thank you for your time and thoughts! Agreed- I think I feel everything, maybe too much so! Avoidants just don’t feel safe close and vulnerable and will pull away if you ask for more or if they just feel too close. I asked mine for more a month ago and he told me to move on...in a text. Very cut, dry and without any feeling. It’s hurtful to be on the receiving end of cavalier treatment and avoidants feel justified in that even if they genuinely do care or love you, they feel incapable and incompetent at relationships so it’s better to let go. I'm just sitting here shaking my head, unable to comprehend the ease of detaching oneself from someone that genuinely cares so much. As my mom would say, this one is outside my pay grade. lol If I can't convince him that I wouldn't set out to intentionally hurt, betray, manipulate, or leave him then there's not much more I can do. I gave it everything I had and if THAT isn't enough then like you said it's best to let go. Thanks again for sharing your experience. I think this relationship is going to be like advanced algebra-something that I tried really hard to understand, studied, attempted, but ultimately "failed". Haha |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 2, 2019 18:11:02 GMT
bobandys, you didn't fail, because there was nothing you could do. It's his problem, but you make it yours by sticking around. Would you feel okay about blocking him so he can't start things up again? Definitely sounds like he's more comfortable doing long-distance, which can be typical for avoidants. I dated a guy (not long-distance) for a few months who did the same. Treated me like a gf, while explicitly telling me to ignore his actions and it meant nothing that he felt comfortable enough with me to really be himself and act that way. Said he felt safe as long as we had no labels, and he wished he could give me more but he wasn't going to. So, I left, and he asked me not to but didn't follow. Luckily, I was well versed in attachment theory by then, so I both knew what was going on and what in his childhood had caused it. Makes it a lot easier to leave indefinitely painful situations quickly, so you've had some good learnings here even if you don't fully understand avoidance yet. Do you have a history of dating unavailable men, or was this your first? Was there a reason you were looking for a long-distance relationship?
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Post by bobandys on Nov 2, 2019 20:04:25 GMT
bobandys , you didn't fail, because there was nothing you could do. It's his problem, but you make it yours by sticking around. Would you feel okay about blocking him so he can't start things up again? Definitely sounds like he's more comfortable doing long-distance, which can be typical for avoidants. I dated a guy (not long-distance) for a few months who did the same. Treated me like a gf, while explicitly telling me to ignore his actions and it meant nothing that he felt comfortable enough with me to really be himself and act that way. Said he felt safe as long as we had no labels, and he wished he could give me more but he wasn't going to. So, I left, and he asked me not to but didn't follow. Luckily, I was well versed in attachment theory by then, so I both knew what was going on and what in his childhood had caused it. Makes it a lot easier to leave indefinitely painful situations quickly, so you've had some good learnings here even if you don't fully understand avoidance yet. Do you have a history of dating unavailable men, or was this your first? Was there a reason you were looking for a long-distance relationship? You couldn't be more right in that I've had a very thorough learning opportunity with this and can use it going forward to learn and grow. Funny thing is, the guys I usually go for are the ones that are very easy going, kind, generous (what I'm suspecting are secure) because I wanted to "try something else" since that wasn't working. So instead I went way the other way apparently and found myself an avoidant I was not looking for long distance but we quickly clicked via a message board and had those wonderful 7 hour phone calls and felt a connection and blah blah blah. lol I feel like I just took an antidote and the fog is clearing very slowly. Relieved yet...still a little unsure of my footing. Was that your first avoidant relationship? Did you know about attachment styles prior? I only have been studying the concept since the first break up. I think I've read enough to do a thesis! Ha |
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Post by alexandra on Nov 2, 2019 20:11:21 GMT
bobandys, no, almost all my relationships were with avoidants, because I was textbook AP. I dealt with that AP over years so now I still attract avoidants but no longer stick around. Why do you think your other relationships fell short? I ask because your post implies you weren't as enthusiastic but felt intensity with the avoidant. Those sparks if only with an avoidant and not with secures (if secure feels boring?) can be a sign of something to look at on your end.
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Post by bobandys on Nov 2, 2019 20:21:29 GMT
bobandys , no, almost all my relationships were with avoidants, because I was textbook AP. I dealt with that AP over years so now I still attract avoidants but no longer stick around. Why do you think your other relationships fell short? I ask because your post implies you weren't as enthusiastic but felt intensity with the avoidant. Those sparks if only with an avoidant and not with secures (if secure feels boring?) can be a sign of something to look at on your end. I couldn't agree with you more that I need to look into whatever is going on with my end of things! Lots of pieces are falling into place in better understanding why the avoidant equaled intensity and the feeling of striving for his attention whereas the secures made me feel, well, secure and I didn't have to "prove" as much of myself. I have a lot to unpack with therapy I think |
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