Tips to create a long lasting juicy relationship

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A guide for partners

Jealousy

What is jealousy?
Jealousy is a fairly common but often taboo mixed emotion in love life.
It is painful, shameful and easily drains love. It can be like poison, destroying both relationships and self-esteem.
Jealousy consists of negative thoughts, reactions in the body and feelings of discomfort, uncertainty and fear of losing the other, but also anger, powerlessness and a lot of feeling wrong.
It can become violent and overwhelming, and you may therefore react-out and violently.

Causes of jealousy
The first step to dealing with and letting go of jealousy is for you to discover what triggers the jealousy! Because when you know what feeds the jealousy, it's much easier for you to do what it takes to stop it.

Here are the 5 deeper reasons that are typically at play:

1) Is it a real threat? If your inner voice tells you that your partner is interested in someone else, there may be something to it. It can sometimes be difficult to distinguish whether it is your intuition or an insecure attachment pattern that is speaking .

2) Lack of assurance of love e.g. if you feel that your partner is not prioritizing you and showing enough love and excitement for you, it can create insecurity in you and trigger jealousy .

3) With low self-esteem, it can be difficult to believe that you are attractive and worthy of love. You therefore easily come to believe - consciously or unconsciously - that your boyfriend thinks that others are more attractive than you .

4) Past trauma can be replayed through jealousy. Freud called it the "repetition compulsion", we trauma therapists call it the "Repetition Path". That one's unconscious makes sure to create situations that recreate the experience of intensity and ,... They therefore do not have to be the same incidents .

5) The difficult shadow: Sometimes jealousy can arise because you yourself have repressed desires to be unfaithful. By projecting these feelings onto your partner, you avoid confronting them. Impractical? Yes - but it ensures that you can maintain your self-image of being "nice", "proper", ect.. It's part of being human .

You should also know that it can be detective work to clarify which of these are behind the jealousy. Often, especially no. 1 and 5 will be difficult to get answers to...

Effects of jealousy

Jealousy can develop into an avalanche of worries and destructive actions and have serious consequences for both your mental and physical well-being - in addition to the relationship.

Jealousy can cause heart palpitations, restlessness, stomach ache, nausea, tension, difficulty breathing and poor sleep. These symptoms are the same as those experienced with stress.

Thoughts and feelings related to jealousy seem to have a life of their own.
They start as a small snowball, but quickly roll like a giant avalanche.
When the negative thoughts and feelings run, inappropriate actions quickly follow.
Eg.
is it normal to try to control the partner's behavior by inquiring much more into the other's thoughts and feelings in an attempt to get the "truth" revealed or reassurance that the partner's love is there .
it is also common to check the partner's phone and email - although this can be illegal .
there can also be many confrontations, arguments and other conflicts
. the jealous person may react by withdrawing as a defense against the negative feelings and thoughts

For the patner, it can also be exhausting.
The partner who is being restricted is easily frustrated by not having the freedom to live a normal life.
The most devastating thing is usually that the jealous person does not trust! This can destroy so much in the relationship that the jealousy becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy... That it makes the partner fall for someone else who, instead of anger, control and mistrust, shows openness, understanding, tolerance and respect for boundaries.

7 steps to deal with jealousy

1. Recognize that you are jealous The first step is to recognize that you feel jealous! Acknowledging the feeling without judging yourself is important and to be able to deal with it.

2. Paradoxical change method When we experience unpleasant feelings, it can be really hard to allow these overwhelming feelings to be there. We will automatically increase pushing them away. But it does not work. We can't push jealousy very far either. Therefore, I want to invite you to say to the jealousy inside you when it rages: "It's okay, right now you are allowed to be here". Then tell the resistance to the jealousy being there, "It's okay, you can be here right now too!"

3. Emergency aid: Emergency handling .  When the jealousy hits, you need to have some acute strategies in place to handle the reactions that come from the tension in the nervous system. Here are some exercises you can use:
A) The water tank exercise:
B) Getting into the now exercises: Objectively describe with your inner voice what you are registering with your senses right now.

4. Acceptance of the situation Accept reality - even though you may not know the truth.
If your partner's choice is to focus on someone other than you, you have to deal with that. You cannot force him/her to choose and prioritize you.

5. Have a crisis list Make a list of things that usually ground you and give you peace. It could be talking to a friend, going for a run or doing some gardening. Use this list when jealousy becomes overwhelming.
Since jealousy often appears late in the evening or at night, your list should include what can help you.

6. Stop destructive reactions It is important to control your reactions. That includes stopping destructive actions like checking your partner's phone or emails.

7. Work with the causes To deal with jealousy in the long term, it is necessary to work with the underlying causes. This can be: Low Self-esteem: Work on strengthening your self-esteem. This involves setting boundaries and rebuilding trust with your partner. Talk to your partner about what you need in the relationship .
Trauma: If the jealousy stems from past traumas, it may be necessary to work on healing these

General tips for dealing with jealousy

1)Communicate openly: Talk about the difficult things with your partner. If it is too difficult, seek help from a couples therapist .

2) Be true to yourself: Make sure you take care of yourself and your needs. If you lose yourself in trying to please your partner, it will hurt you - and the relationship - in the long run . Be willing to risk the relationship: If there is something really wrong, it is better to get it out in the open, even if you may risk the relationship. Living in constant uncertainty is more harmful to both you and the relationship.

3) Jealousy - an emergency tool:
Pull back/withdraw so you can avoid reacting violently - use your crisis list! Help your activated nervous system by placing the danger: What specifically threatens you? Consider the evidence: Is it really as bad as your jealousy says? If it is, go somewhere where you can reflect on your choice: What consequences will you trigger? Wait with serious consequences until you're fairly settled and willing to turn them around with someone qualified to ask you good questions and provide helpful feedback Communicate your feelings and needs to your partner Couples therapy Working with jealousy in a relationship often requires both parties to be willing to accommodate each other's feeling and work together to build trust. Couples therapy can be an effective way to achieve this.

Conclusion
By recognizing the jealousy, working with the underlying causes, and implementing strategies to deal with it, you can better navigate these challenges and create a healthier, more loving relationship.