Tips to create a long lasting juicy relationship

The (summer) holidays can really be a great time.

But it can also be difficult.

This is what I and my colleagues see every year at the end of the holiday when the phones start ringing. August is one of those months of the year where we get really, really many inquiries.
Best as one had looked forward to common peace, recovery and lots of nice things, then the opposite happens. Disagreements that end in conflicts.
The cohesion that was lacking.
The team collaboration that was non-existent or just did not work at all.
Imbalance in time between you, me and us.
And perhaps... Frustrations and irritations that have accumulated, which comes up to the surface

5 focus areas for you who want to set the framework to take good care of each other and the love 

No. 1: Collaboration on alone-charge-time
Almost all the couples I meet really need alone time to recharge, get refilled and / or have some hours where there are NO requirements and where you do not "need" anything other than exactly what you want. Re-Charging time is VERY underestimated in relation to e.g. spontaneous physical expressions of love such as kisses, hugs and holding hands and not least lust and desire.


No. 2 - Support each other in that it is ok to say no to activities
I hear again and again that the holiday that had been looked forward to as a regular restitution holiday has been replaced by to-do list of visits and chores.
It's okay for you to say,
- "Hey honey, do you want to do this alone, I just need to ...." 
- Or ask your partner if he or she needs your permission and support to say no to something he / she does not actually want.

No. 3 - Say thank you to each other, acknowledge and appreciate each other
John Gottman - one of the world's leading researchers in relationships mentions again and again that if there is one thing that would make relationships SIGNIFICANTLY better in an ABSURD short time, it is recognition - that is said out loud.
No one has subtitles on their forehead - put words to it so that your partner KNOWS that you appreciate what he or she does / does not do / say / do not say etc.

No. 4 - Set the framework for "us" activities
Unfortunately, things do not happen by themselves. Not in the relationship either, even though it seemed like it at first.
Agree on what the two of you wants to happen to YOU ​​and your partner during the summer holidays, and then set aside time for it.

No. 5 - Turn up small physical touches during the day The physical expression of love provides reassurance, affirmation, and non-verbal recognition of:
→ That I love you
→ We are ok
→ You're doing well
→ I love you
→ I'm thinking of you

Do you remember to apologize to your partner, when you have said, done something that have been hurtful to him/her ?

It is with apologies, as it is with reassurance, after you have experienced something really unpleasant.
Just as security/safety ensures that the unpleasant experience is not allowed to become stuck as a trauma in the brain, it is almost the same mechanism with the small word, with the very big meaning,

*SORRY*

Sorry closes conflicts, heals hearts, creates warmth and is a really, really good foundation for love to grow bigger and more beautiful.

Sorry is fertilizer for love.

So just apologize to your partner for something you did/you didn’t do that has been hurtful to him or her

❤️

What is your own angerpattern and what is your partners angerpattern

Negative anger:

You can have one or more unhealthy patterns with different people in different situations. Remember, there is a good reason why you have your angerpattern (often learned in childhood) But it is workable, if you learn the right tools, so that you don´t hurt other people and/or yourself!

AGGRESSIVE
Typical for the aggressive anger is that it is outreaching. You are doing something with your anger. e.g. shouts, gangs, criticizes, swings, becomes violent ect.
• Short-lived and flammable
• Explodes easily
• Comes fast and often hot (also without obvious reason)
• Easily intercepted with others
• Low patience threshold
. Drama king/queen
. Want to get the last word
• Big need for control (my way or the highway)
• May be extremely annoyed by people, if they make mistakes
• Quickly provoke and take things very personally
. Roadrage
. Shout at others in traffic
. Perfectionist
. Find it difficult to repair
. "Do as I say, or you will regret it"
. Dont like that other points out their mistakes / their flaws
. Want to get even
• May have lost friends, partners or jobs because of one's temperament
• May have ended relationships in anger and later regretted it
. If not... then.....
. Can be intimidating
• At worst violent behavior
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivn3zUuEZlE - Anne Carlson "Working moms"
m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ivo1JGv_eh4 - Insideout - Meet anger
www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2h-kCBR2Vs - If people did everything agressivly

When other people touches you shame bottoms/a trigger, you can show agressive anger.

(narcissists and psykopaths anger pattern plus passive agressive - remember you can not use normal boundarie setting with narcs!)

PASSIVE
The passive swells the anger, lowers and suppresses. The anger is turned inward, and it can be hard at all to feel any anger and set limits and to say no. It is a evasive pattern, where one imploaches instead of exploding.
• Rarely or never visibly angry
• Turns anger inward
• It is difficult to feel if you are angry
• Recognizes easier disappointment, powerlessness, resignation, sorenes,, dissapointment, frustration, sadness
• Wait too long to express anger
• Cries instead of getting angry
• Keeps silent
• Avoids conflict and confrontation at all costs
• Doubts often on his right to be angry (It's probably just me ...)
• Blames herself, rather than getting angry with others
Also the chill girl and spiritual bypassing is part of the passive anger pattern
The chill girl thoughtcatalog.com/dalyce-lazaris/2017/02/what-it-actually-means-to-be-the-chill-girl/
Spiritual bypassing
The chill girls shadow sides: controlling, needy, boring, difficult, ordinaire, demanding ect. When we are in love/the crushing fase there's a risk of being chill.
Blind compassion, neurotic tolerance ect medium.com/@expandingessence137/blind-compassion-robert-augustus-masters-f386da84d9cd
Premature forgiveness
m.youtube.com/watch?v=AZNHnIUWZJs

jebkinnisonforum.com/post/38962/

(cumpulsive cleaning can be hidden anger)

Passive-Aggressive
People with passive-aggressive anger patterns are not outreaching like the aggressive, but they avoid conflict and are passive. They are angry and they are interested in punishing and in conflict, but they prefer to make it hidden.
• Anger through the back door - disguised, indirectly
• Does not become visibly angry, but sabotages and punishes instead in the hidden - eg by:
- being late/
- "forget" things (appointments / deadlines / to reply back to messages, etc.)
- refuse to cooperate (say yes to do something, but do not do it)
. deny their involvement if confronted
- play innocent or stupid ("God, I have not thought about it!")/
- jam,
- expose
• Punishes with coolness, ignorance and silence
• Tends to confuse, irritate and provoke others (consciously but without admitting it)
• "Then you can learn it!"
. The angry smile
. Procastination
. Constanly late
• scums instead of saying that you are angry
• Sarcasm, suppositories and "out of the side" attacks (often masked as humor or "ha-ha-it-is-jo-just-for-fun" laughter)
. Uses a Lot of smileys after a statement 😉🙂😉
. As a woman, do you know this? You withdraw. becomes cold. or quiet. says "fine" (even if it is not)
. As a man, do you know this? You shut yourself off, Goes out in the garage, Go on a bikeride, Disappears, With draw, Arriving home late, hiding behind a newspaper, Uses sounds like (mmm) rather than communicating, Sulks or rolls eyes instead of communicating
. www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbWOh5xjgg8
- m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug-_K-MFvNg&t=7s narc stephmom fleabag
. Eyeroll m.youtube.com/watch?v=p5WPVLljm1A

Projective-AGGRESSIVE
People with projectively-aggressive anger patterns seem immediately passive, but
they are not. They are angry, but because they are afraid to own and express anger, they project and turn it over to others, and let others bear and exert their anger for them.
• Judges anger
• Projects one's own anger on others
• Focuses on angry people
• Make others feel angry for you, so you may seem unruly
• Always blame others for being angry
• Anger paranoia: Are you angry? "Are you sure you're not angry? You seem angry!"
• Is often a magnet for angry people (often married to an aggressive type)
• Assumes the role of a victim or innocent (it is not me who is angry)

It may be another person, who turns on our anger, but the anger can be about something else..

E.g.

- You give more, than you can give and more than you have the energy for.
- You´ve gone too much on compromise with your values.
- The things you do not take care of within yourself.


Or
You are simply just:

- stressed out
- hangry (Hungry)
- Tired
- Too hot or Cold
- Thirsty
- Got PMS (pick a fight week)
- going through menopause - www.drnorthrup.com/why-anger-is-common-during-menopause/

(remember to repair)

7 TED Talks That Will Improve Your Relationship

youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY

in this TED talk, psychotherapist Esther Perel focuses on how we maintain our desire in long-term relationships with the help of human erotic intelligence. Paradoxically, a good sex life requires two conflicting needs: namely our need for security and our need for adventure. We find security in love with our partner, whereas desire is found in the new and unexplored. But as humans, by virtue of our erotic intelligence, we are able to transform sexuality via the ability to fantasize, so Perel therefore believes that the crisis of desire is often a "crisis of fantasy", in that it is the imagination and our ability to imagine that trigger desire and not our partner's actions as we so often imagine. Perel says that her studies have shown that we are most often attracted to our partner when the person is out of reach. "It is when I look at my partner from a comfortable distance (...) that for a moment there is again a bit of mystery (...) In this space between me and the other, lies the erotic excitement" and precisely because of this, Perel can conclude that desire takes place in our imagination and if we first use it, we have the opportunity to maintain a passionate sex life, even after we have achieved the safe intimacy and security with our lover, which is usually the greatest opposite of desire. In this space between me and the other, lies the erotic excitement" and precisely because of this, Perel can conclude that desire takes place in our imagination and if we first use it, we have the opportunity to maintain a passionate sex life, even after we have achieved the safe intimacy and security with our lover, which is usually the greatest opposite of desire.

youtu.be/6Ok-1exJobI

If you're looking for a simple guide to getting the relationship you've always dreamed of, psychotherapist Dr. Keith Witt's 'Five Star Practice', help you well on your way. This guide consists of five specific questions that will quickly bring you closer to whether the person you are facing can be someone you can get into seventh heaven with. Dr. Keith Witt advises asking these questions so often that the brain will eventually automatically start running through them every time we come across someone who might be a potential partner. There is no need to worry about how it is now possible to see through these five points in a person we have just met, since our brains are equipped with mirror neurons that are able to read people faster than we think, we do not yet know very well. Dr. Keith Witt presents his 'Five Star Practice' with the following questions: 1. Is there sexual attraction? 2. Is the person in good health both physically and mentally? 3. Is the person able and willing to love? 4. Will the person be a good parent? 5. Is the person driven by something we can admire them for? However, there is no reason to despair if you are already in a relationship and may not be able to answer yes to all questions. There is an opportunity to change the state of things if you are willing to do something about it

youtu.be/12d2o8e9cS

How would you live your life differently if you only had a week with your partner”, Carlyle Jansen asks us in this TED talk. At the start of a relationship, we dare to take far more risks both sexually and emotionally. We have long, deep conversations and show ourselves to a much greater extent than later, when we have children and various obligations. Suddenly we don't dare to bet for fear of being condemned and rejected and therefore it becomes easier to maintain the status quo than to be our true self, says Jansen. We think that the spark should come by itself and that love is enough to make us happy and horny, but unfortunately that is rarely the case. If we want to get the spark going, it's about letting go of fear and showing who we really are. We need to come out, tell our secrets and be honest with ourselves and our partner. Instead of celebrating that we overcome things together, we need to start focusing on what we have to do together in the future: where are we now, where are we going and what are we going to explore? According to Jansen, the commitment in a relationship must first and foremost be about embracing freedom, authenticity and being present in the present together with your partner. So the question is: What kind of commitment is most fulfilling to you?

youtu.be/vMeEKBaiPbg

Life is about love. We always choose between love and something else. When we choose love, we always choose right. Professional counselor Billy Ward believes that the light within us can shine through, and it is through our love that this light illuminates our relationship. The most important relationship we have is the relationship we have with ourselves. Love is light. Ward does a guided meditation on the sun. The sun rises every single day; unconditionally and shares its warmth. Think of a person in your life who makes you feel the same way. Think of one who is also like a lighthouse; someone who always guides you back to your authentic self. Is there someone in your life who is like a disco ball? Someone who is fun, lively and full of energy and who inspires you to live your life in the best possible way? Give yourself freedom. It's hard to choose, but always choose to love and be loved. Ward believes that the strongest guy in the room is not the sportsman; it is the loving man. Love is a team sport. A team we are all part of. Ward shares a story about one of his students, Daniel, who turned out to be like a disco ball in Ward's life. Daniel reflected so much energy and loving vibrations to the people around him, causing him to see love everywhere he went. Each and every one of us was created to love and to share unity to achieve freedom, peace and truth. Once you understand this, there will be a shift in your life. By realizing this, you can take your relationships to a whole new level of love and experience.

youtu.be/gh5VhaicC6g

Joan Davila psychology professor and director of Clinical Training in the Department of Psychology at Stony Brook University believes that we all know what a good relationship looks like, but we don't know what we need to do on a daily basis to achieve such relationships . Many marriages have problems with this and end up going to couples therapy, but here it is usually already too late, because both parties have acquired too many bad habits - and they are difficult to change. Another option is marriage counseling before getting married. However, no amount of pre-marriage guidance can compensate for a poor choice of partner. Dr. Davila says that if you want to acquire qualities that will help you build a healthy relationship, you have to start early. Even before you're even in a relationship – or as early as your teenage years. It is important to acquire qualities that effectively create healthy and meaningful relationships; characteristics such as insight, reciprocity and emotional adaptation. Traits like these will help anyone achieve great competence in romantic relationships. Romantic competence is the ability to function and adapt to multiple aspects of the relationship and its process: from being able to identify what you need to finding the right partner to building a healthy relationship – and to getting out of relationships , that are not healthy. Insight is one's ability to know what you really want. Reciprocity is a quality that allows you to communicate with your partner and see how you (maybe) have different values, ideals and standards. Emotional adjustment is a person's ability to remain calm and think constructively in even the most negative situations.

youtu.be/wcLuVeHlrSs

In this TED Talk, Katy Hutchison discusses how we are all connected, and that we therefore share the responsibility of cleaning up the mess that inevitably happens in this thing we call "life". Hutchison shares two personal stories: an anecdote from her childhood and the story of the traumatic and horrific loss of her beloved husband. The childhood anecdote lays the foundation for Hutchison's manifesto about "time-ins" over "time-outs" as a way to discipline and yes... live. She talks about the importance of coming together when something bad happens, instead of creating distance. She believes that when things go wrong, we must face these mistakes and we must see the consequences of our actions and what happens to the people around us when we act in a certain way. When the guy who killed Hutchison's husband is arrested, she goes in to meet him. She wanted to see if she could somehow understand what had happened in his life that had caused him to act the way he did the night he took the life of Hutchison's husband. Later, Hutchison learns about "restorative justice" and his idea that when something criminal happens in a society, it is actually a violation of a relationship. Three questions are absolutely essential: What happened? Who was affected by it? How can things be put right now? Hutchison thinks about what would have happened to the life trajectory of her husband's killer if he had had the opportunity to have an "empowering conversation" when he was in school. This is exactly where the "strengthening approach" should start. Hutcison believes that if we raise a generation with an "empowering attitude", then that is also what that generation will expect and they will honor those methods throughout their lives. Educating our youth from an "empowering approach" will teach them empathy, respect, integrity and forgiveness and this will all create a greater sense of togetherness and pride in our society.

youtu.be/7DE-F3j-PVo

In this TED Talk, Charnita Arora shares the one thing that has improved relationships in every part of her life. According to Arora, our absolute presence is the key to a healthy relationship and that all too often we end up letting our "eternal busyness" get in the way of our interaction with other people. Arora believes that our desire to multitask only prevents healthy relationships from manifesting. We simply have to ask ourselves: "What happens if I make a conscious choice to be fully present for another person?" More often than we dare to admit, we enter relationships because of a deficit in self-love. That is how toxic relationships are formed; not only with other people, but also with appliances, food and sleep. We are more likely to create unhealthy relationships if we do not feel good about ourselves. Arora emphasizes that this "being comfortable feeling" is essential. She shares what happened when she slowed down in her own life and how it had a positive effect on her relationship; both with oneself and with others. This just underscores her point that a connection is made when you consciously give another human being your undivided attention. Granting someone else your absolute presence is not as easy as it sounds; your body will fight against it; we will feel distracted and even try to convince ourselves that all the notifications on our phone are suddenly very important. This is, of course, not true; they are not important. Arora concludes that if we want to ensure that our "doing" is not an escape from our "being", then we must break out of our ego and just be at one with love. Simply put, the solution does not lie in "going out", but in going inward and finding the connection with ourselves.

Not being able to give your love, can be just as painfull as not being able to receive love

Romantic love

Romantic love
We can no longer tell the difference between infatuation/crush/romantic love and real love
We think that love is like Sex and the city,
We no longer stay to death do us apart, but until the crushing phase, the romantic love phase ends
And then we have to end a relationship sooner or later, so that we can find a new crush, romantic love partner
A crush/infatuation lasts 3/4 months - 1 year
Romantic love lasts up to 5 years
Then we will move on in our serial monogamous hunt for a new partner/the one and only

Romantic love flourished in the 18th century and continues to this day

(Lector Jens Hougaard)

Myths about romantic love

1) We believe that love symptoms are love Falling in love is a transitional phase
Dopamine and noradrenaline is released 
Noradrenaline  is a stress hormone that gives us energy and butterflies in the stomach
If you go to a psychiatrist when you are in this love phase, in the crushing phase, you will be diagnosed as manic

2) It's about finding the one and only, Finding your soulmate
There must be attraction at the first meeting
Unless there is repulsion, give it 5 dates

We have 5000 soulmates, according to Chris Griscom

3) I fall in love with the wrong ones
The bad gives the sparks
An important step is to have a good relationship especially with your mother, especially if you are a woman
It is the limbic system and brain stem that makes us fall in love.
There are not many connections between the prefrontal cortex and the limbic part of the brain and the brain stem
It knows no difference between the past and the present and the future
It thinks that Everything is happening right now
It works so that you can survive
It also works so that you can reproduce, next after you have survived
If you fall in love with the same type, your old part of the brain thinks you are safe and that you will survive
If you fall in love with a more secure person, Then the old part of the brain feels insecure/unsafe and thinks that you wont survive
The more in love you are, the more problems later in the relationship. It is the old part of the brain that is at play
You can get a crush/Fall in love when you need a revolution in your life