Post by vlora on Nov 20, 2019 13:39:09 GMT
Hi everyone, I am new here.
I fall somewhere between secure and ap. I have been divorced 4 years, after a very abusive 10 year marriage. I am in my first relationship since then.
I think my partner might be avoidant, and it is making me feel very anxious. Thankfully I have learned some emotional self-control and don't let my anious ways show too much. I am already familiar with the 4 attachment types, and less so with fearful vs. dismissive avoidant. My partner is Greek, sometimes language between us is an issue. I found an article on attachment types in Greek and sent it to him, and he said he thought he might be avoidant. I'm not sure if he read the article carefully, or what. He did say he is willing to do a test with me sometime, so I might try that with him. But I don't see him all that often, so IDK when.
We met in May. I had been having fun and dating a lot of people, starting in this year, 2019. I'm American, he is Greek/Albanian, and we live in Finland. When we started dating, we started wanting to see each other every time we were both free. It wasn't a whole lot, that we were both free at first. At some point in coming weeks I realized this was different from all the other guys I'd been dating and we might form a relationship.
Then, he lost his job and it was an illegal situation where he has not paid. (Along with the rest of his colleagues) I speak Finnish and he doesn't, plus I have navigated many systems here. So I was eager to help him apply to get his pay recovered, apply for unemployment, housing aid, etc. I happened to be free, since my kids were with their dad. We spent all of our time together doing those tedious tasks and we had a blast. Of course we also would go home to his place after, and so forth.
He was going on holiday to Greece for 5 weeks. I was dreading the long separation just when our relationship was budding. We had the talk and became exclusive around that time as well.
We liked to spend time showing each other our hometowns and so on on google maps, youtube videos of places we have been, etc. He said I should come to Greece. I didn't take it too seriously... then I regretted that. I asked him to show me more videos of Athens, and finally got him to say that again, and he was serious! So I booked tickets for 2 days.... I was so nervous about it. When he realized it was only 2 days, he had me change it, and I ended up there 6 days.
So I went, it was wonderful. We were staying in his apartment that he own, and his parent live there. So I met most of his family. They were very nice. We were together all day, every day, we got along great. When I left, he waited until he couldn't see me anymore, etc. After that, we had 3 weeks apart and my anxiety kicked in big time. We were in touch via text every day. During that time, we exchanged I love you's initiated by him.
Once he was back, I knew he would look for a new job. we saw each other twice, and then he was working, and he took 2 jobs. He had lost the paid holiday and lost some unemployment money as well, and needed to recoup it. So, he was working 7am to 9pm most days, had only Sundays off. He has a brother living here in Finland, and he takes his nephew to football on weekends a lot. He had mentioned that to me back in May or June.
What this meant though, was us barely seeing each other. And now he has lost one of the two jobs, and things got marginally better. There is still the football and my own commitments, and some other stuff.
I have tried to suggest many compromises, like going to the football matches on occasion, among other ways we could increase our chances to see each other. He just wasn't very amenable to any of my ideas. I did get him to visit me and meet my kids, which I took as an effort made for me.
Anyway, does this sound like maybe we got so close and now he is distancing himself due to being avoidant? If he will not try any compromises to give us some time together, or show some commitment, I might have to walk away.... I know it had been a shorter relationship so far, so I am willing to give it some time, still. I have fallen hard for him.
Do you think my assessment may be right that he is pulling away after getting too close? Tips on how to deal with it? While I keep my anxiousness to myself most of the time, and don't get too clingy too often, it is extremely difficult. Thanks!
I fall somewhere between secure and ap. I have been divorced 4 years, after a very abusive 10 year marriage. I am in my first relationship since then.
I think my partner might be avoidant, and it is making me feel very anxious. Thankfully I have learned some emotional self-control and don't let my anious ways show too much. I am already familiar with the 4 attachment types, and less so with fearful vs. dismissive avoidant. My partner is Greek, sometimes language between us is an issue. I found an article on attachment types in Greek and sent it to him, and he said he thought he might be avoidant. I'm not sure if he read the article carefully, or what. He did say he is willing to do a test with me sometime, so I might try that with him. But I don't see him all that often, so IDK when.
We met in May. I had been having fun and dating a lot of people, starting in this year, 2019. I'm American, he is Greek/Albanian, and we live in Finland. When we started dating, we started wanting to see each other every time we were both free. It wasn't a whole lot, that we were both free at first. At some point in coming weeks I realized this was different from all the other guys I'd been dating and we might form a relationship.
Then, he lost his job and it was an illegal situation where he has not paid. (Along with the rest of his colleagues) I speak Finnish and he doesn't, plus I have navigated many systems here. So I was eager to help him apply to get his pay recovered, apply for unemployment, housing aid, etc. I happened to be free, since my kids were with their dad. We spent all of our time together doing those tedious tasks and we had a blast. Of course we also would go home to his place after, and so forth.
He was going on holiday to Greece for 5 weeks. I was dreading the long separation just when our relationship was budding. We had the talk and became exclusive around that time as well.
We liked to spend time showing each other our hometowns and so on on google maps, youtube videos of places we have been, etc. He said I should come to Greece. I didn't take it too seriously... then I regretted that. I asked him to show me more videos of Athens, and finally got him to say that again, and he was serious! So I booked tickets for 2 days.... I was so nervous about it. When he realized it was only 2 days, he had me change it, and I ended up there 6 days.
So I went, it was wonderful. We were staying in his apartment that he own, and his parent live there. So I met most of his family. They were very nice. We were together all day, every day, we got along great. When I left, he waited until he couldn't see me anymore, etc. After that, we had 3 weeks apart and my anxiety kicked in big time. We were in touch via text every day. During that time, we exchanged I love you's initiated by him.
Once he was back, I knew he would look for a new job. we saw each other twice, and then he was working, and he took 2 jobs. He had lost the paid holiday and lost some unemployment money as well, and needed to recoup it. So, he was working 7am to 9pm most days, had only Sundays off. He has a brother living here in Finland, and he takes his nephew to football on weekends a lot. He had mentioned that to me back in May or June.
What this meant though, was us barely seeing each other. And now he has lost one of the two jobs, and things got marginally better. There is still the football and my own commitments, and some other stuff.
I have tried to suggest many compromises, like going to the football matches on occasion, among other ways we could increase our chances to see each other. He just wasn't very amenable to any of my ideas. I did get him to visit me and meet my kids, which I took as an effort made for me.
Anyway, does this sound like maybe we got so close and now he is distancing himself due to being avoidant? If he will not try any compromises to give us some time together, or show some commitment, I might have to walk away.... I know it had been a shorter relationship so far, so I am willing to give it some time, still. I have fallen hard for him.
Do you think my assessment may be right that he is pulling away after getting too close? Tips on how to deal with it? While I keep my anxiousness to myself most of the time, and don't get too clingy too often, it is extremely difficult. Thanks!
