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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 5, 2019 11:19:10 GMT
So, after obsessing over an avoidant man for months, even he doesn't promise me anything, I have finally registered on a dating site (not Tinder).
It is good for me to get attention from other men, even if very few appeals to me. It is a part of my awakening (see different thread).
The last evenings I have been chatting with a very interesting man. We have a 95 % matching score. I like both what I see and what I read in his profile. His communication skills are great. He seems reflected and asks me questions that implys he would like to know how I really am as a person. We have not talked about job or leisure activities yet, mostly relationship stuff.
Of course I am looking very consciously for attachment style clues. And I asked directly if he was on the site because that he had a final goal of an official relationship?
This is when he says that he was "not looking for anything committing a the moment" (red flag alert!), but if he met someone who he could not live without, he could reconsider.
I told him stright out that now his score dropped to 75 % (lol). And that we should probable not go any further, because I was looking for a flirt that could turn into a boyfriend, so we have different goals.
Ha said he'd rather be considered the honest one, than being accused of giving false expectations.
He said that he has been scared from his two last relationships, because "both of the women had tried to own him, and to change him into something he is not". Of course this can be a healthy, secure statement. But it can also be avoidant.
He has been married for 13 years and have two kids. Divorced 3 year ago. The second woman was a girlfriend for 1 year.
He says it feels great to have noone to be responsible for/rapport to (don't know how to translate this expression into english).
I say it is possible to be in a relationship where you have a safe base, but also trust each other to be individualistic and do your own stuff. And that this is really freedom, because then you have someone to support you acheiving your dreams. He agrees and says yes this is how a relationship should look like.
This man seems secure to me, it is kind of a calm feeling I get chatting with him. He seems open and honest. But then again we know that avoidants can be different in the beginning...
Any ideas on how to get more clarification? Is it weird to ask him to do an online attachment style test?
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 5, 2019 11:34:40 GMT
Forgot to write that we started to chat about my last date (FA), and I told him that we are "fading out" at the monent. And that I work on getting rid of my unhealthy obsession for this man.
Probably not a very strategic thing to mention in the early days of getting to know each other. He said in a kind way that now he became scared the I would be obessed with him as well, haha.
But still he offered that I could talk things through with him, and that it would be cheaper than going to a psycologist. To me this sounds like a secure response.
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Post by anne12 on Dec 5, 2019 11:52:12 GMT
Are you sharing these things with a person you have never met irl ? And if so, why ?
Are you at a dating site just to get over your fa ex ?
Do you know, that you can not really count on an attatchmentstyle test on the internet ? It can give you a hint.
While dating,
the recommendation is to write two times forth and back on a dating site, make a phonecall and then meet irl
"But still he offered that I could talk things through with him, and that it would be cheaper than going to a psycologist. To me this sounds like a secure response."
- this sounds wierd to me.....A total stranger who wants to become your therapist...
Sharing wery intimate private things with a total stranger doesn't sound secure in my opinion.
Share these things with a therapist instead.
People are on dating apps for many different reasons - they are lonely, they want sex, they are looking for a rebound to get over their ex, the are looking for a flirt, they want someone to travel with, they want to find a partner to live with, they want to find someone to start a family with ect
It is always a good idea to make a lovevision before You date
If you have made a love vision then you can merge some of the things into your dating profile.
Also you can describe what you like to do with a partner.
You can also ask a future partner to make a lovevision and then compare with your own.
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Post by anne12 on Dec 5, 2019 16:03:18 GMT
You can also be more prone to fall in love when you need a revolution. Ex when you want to get out of a relationship.
Franseco Alberoni talks about that this can be one of the reasons why we fall in love. You backdoor is more open.
Maybe you are more voulnarble right now? If you get a crush on the other person, then you are unable to see things clear.
Watch out and take care.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2019 18:39:59 GMT
He said in a kind way that now he became scared the I would be obessed with him as well, haha. But still he offered that I could talk things through with him, and that it would be cheaper than going to a psycologist. To me this sounds like a secure response. None of what you wrote about him sounds very secure. To tell you that you can treat him as a substitute psychologist indicates bad boundaries. That's in no way a healthy start to anything that has romantic potential. He's also already told you he's basically emotionally unavailable, whether from his past breakups or because being avoidant led to the breakups, you don't know. But he's not looking for a relationship, he's not really open to one, and I'd personally assume the offer to emotionally unload on him is because he's hoping you'll feel open enough to sleep with him while not getting obsessively attached. As a secure person looking for a real relationship, if someone quickly overshared with me that they're trying to wind down an obsession with an ex, and I was otherwise really, really interested in them, I'd ask them to reach back out when they were over it and we could see where we're both at. If I was not incredibly interested (and at that point since we haven't even met and barely know each other, I don't imagine I would be?), I'd wind the conversation down. I'd want to start a potential new relationship from a stable point, if possible. |
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 5, 2019 21:18:04 GMT
Well, now I feel stupid. Yes, I overshared. We were chatting about relationship history, why we broke up with earlier partners, so this just came up naturally. He sensed that I was not finished with the last person I dated, so I explained that we are sort of fading out. I like to be honest.
But way too early for these kind of details of course, I see that now. I shouldn't have been that private with someone I haven't met.
But isn't starting dating other people and get a life something that is recommended in a healing journey? Or do you mean someone should be completely healed before starting seeing other people?
In a way it feels unfair to talk to people on a dating site, when you are not completely over your "ex". But say it takes, lets say 1 year, to get over a person. Should you wait a year to date? Or is it the oversharing thing and him accepting it that you don't approve here?
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 5, 2019 21:44:51 GMT
I see both of you as a red flag reading this. Neither of you are ready. He screams unavailable to me.
Personally for me as a secure I’d never get on a site if I was not ready to be in a relationship nor get into so much relationship past already.
i see dating site band aids.
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Post by alexandra on Dec 5, 2019 22:03:12 GMT
bohemianraspberry, I don't think anyone is saying you can't date or speak to new men. But that's different than looking for a flirt to become a relationship, or engaging with emotionally unavailable guys who will loop you into further future relationship drama. You don't need to feel stupid because you're learning. But I think what's being suggested here is, if you still fairly recently left a long term stable relationship to pursue things with an unstable guy who you're now trying to recover from an obsession with, then getting all caught up with new men before getting further with finding more of your own balance may just transfer the obsession to the next person because the underlying reasons for it weren't truly addressed first. You're on the rebound more than anything and should use the opportunity to keep looking for the right therapist and put some effort into being comfortable alone at least for a little while. Then you can wrap your head around what you need to not invest so much in a man that you get obsessed in the future, or to at least recognize when a new man is lighting up feelings in you that signal dysfunction to come.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 5, 2019 22:20:28 GMT
bohemianraspberry , I don't think anyone is saying you can't date or speak to new men. But that's different than looking for a flirt to become a relationship, or engaging with emotionally unavailable guys who will loop you into further future relationship drama. You don't need to feel stupid because you're learning. But I think what's being suggested here is, if you still fairly recently left a long term stable relationship to pursue things with an unstable guy who you're now trying to recover from an obsession with, then getting all caught up with new men before getting further with finding more of your own balance may just transfer the obsession to the next person because the underlying reasons for it weren't truly addressed first. You're on the rebound more than anything and should use the opportunity to keep looking for the right therapist and put some effort into being comfortable alone at least for a little while. Then you can wrap your head around what you need to not invest so much in a man that you get obsessed in the future, or to at least recognize when a new man is lighting up feelings in you that signal dysfunction to come. What I wise answer, alexandra . You should be working as a counselor, if you are not already.  It is not fair to a new man if I am still obsessed with someone else. And it is not healthy for me, if this is a pattern, with not only this man in particular, but a pattern that can repeat itself with the next man I get interested in. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2019 23:10:02 GMT
Dating while not over an ex is like drunk driving. Terrible judgement, lowered inhibitions, bad sense of direction, risky- people get hurt and end up sick with regrets. And yes- people get hurt.
Take time to actually deal with the issues you know that you harbor in dating/relationships. You've acknowledged that you have had issues. I'd encourage you to take them seriously, and stop looking for shortcuts to feeling and doing better with dating- it won't work for you. Healing begins with you and a therapist or you and a serious self help program. People are not here to be crutches and bandaids while you try to heal, and if they are then they are sick too.
What do you think is a reasonable approach? You were at one point serious about getting your ex to see the error of his ways, but it's time to turn that focus to you. We've all done crazy shit when going about it the wrong way, insecure, unhealthy and avoiding dealing with that directly and privately. AP or avoidant doesn't matter- if you know you aren't healthy and you're dating you're asking for more of the same. Maybe just stop the cycle and get serious about the hard work. That's truly what it takes. People complain all day about avoidants not facing their issues- but it goes both ways. It takes two and there is no point in getting on the internet trying to analyze someone else's attachment situation and mental health without first taking a good serious look at your own.
If you take care of your own stuff you have a reasonable chance at a healthy relationship in the future. If you keep this up, chances are slim to none.
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 5, 2019 23:10:11 GMT
This is kind of funny. It am chatting with this guy, right now, as we speak. I tell him that he should had stayed with his first reaction: to be afraid I could get a hang-up on him too. I tell him he is probably right, and that I should not see anyone before I have worked on myself. SPECIALLY not a guy who is not ready to commit, because he could easily start giving me "on/off attention" after getting in bed with me (which is what he is trying to do right now, of course). I say that 2 hours of sex will not make up for months or years of mindfuck. He tells me I am really good at analyzing stuff, and says we probably were "going to hell" after getting in bed. If he can learn anything about himself that could be great. Anyway, I am seeing the psychologist in 4 days.
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Me
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Post by Me on Dec 6, 2019 0:33:29 GMT
I'm so relieved you said not tinder hahaha . My god its awful I've only ever met avoidants or absolute clowns on tinder
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Post by bohemianraspberry on Dec 6, 2019 0:48:39 GMT
I'm so relieved you said not tinder hahaha . My god its awful I've only ever met avoidants or absolute clowns on tinder I never downloaded the app, but I've got to watch a friend using it. How completely superficial. My new dating site friend, let's kall him C, and I have been chatting for 3 hours about our divorces, ex-partners, sexuality and a lot of stuff. We agree that we might not be good for each other, but both of us think it is really interesting to chat about this issues. And since we both are aware that we are a bit damaged and are looking for more introspection, I find the connection with C rewarding and not harmful. |
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Post by iz42 on Dec 6, 2019 2:02:29 GMT
I know you're not necessarily putting a lot of importance on the score, but I just wanted to say that I find the match percentages on dating sites to be pretty meaningless. They can be helpful for screening out people who want something totally different, but otherwise, I don't think they mean much. I dated a few people who I supposedly had 99% compatibility with and we were not actually compatible.
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Post by 8675309 on Dec 6, 2019 2:47:15 GMT
I'm so relieved you said not tinder hahaha . My god its awful I've only ever met avoidants or absolute clowns on tinder I never downloaded the app, but I've got to watch a friend using it. How completely superficial. My new dating site friend, let's kall him C, and I have been chatting for 3 hours about our divorces, ex-partners, sexuality and a lot of stuff. We agree that we might not be good for each other, but both of us think it is really interesting to chat about this issues. And since we both are aware that we are a bit damaged and are looking for more introspection, I find the connection with C rewarding and not harmful. I call this some sort of thing trauma bonding. This is just me but how I feel about it/see it. You are way too intimate for knowing each other for a few hours. to me things should be a bit light hearted and getting to know a person hobbies, jobs, life goals, etc. Things they are into not past relations. Why are we talking about the past instead of who you've become. That said, I know past relations are a big factor, I just dont see jumping into that so fast as healthy. its good to talk about it just not jump into it.
Im not you but i just cant comprehend jumping into such details so soon. But Im not insecure attached person so I see things different. Im not you. I just dont know, I cant jump in like that even though Im very open emotionally, very aware etc. Im so open I can stick my foot in my mouth sometimes! haha
Take your time, dont jump in!!
Ultimately you need to match in life goals, etc not just attachment.
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It is not fair to a new man if I am still obsessed with someone else. And it is not healthy for me, if this is a pattern, with not only this man in particular, but a pattern that can repeat itself with the next man I get interested in.