HSP and attatchmentstyles, males/females

www.growthquests.com/freehspkit

www.kellyboys.org/


Overwhelm anchor.fm/sensitiveand.../episodes/Overwhelm-e123lsb?fbclid=IwAR3bRbHsyXpyIor_aY9T5ov-EeEty8PQAUBQ9tkf8Jd_m_vk-N05XpEyFJU

youtu.be/TgL8UA_Kv3E

Ilse Sand
youtu.be/2eN2ODC7S-Y[ø
why HSPs need to Think differently
m.youtube.com/watch?v=KqBz8uIAThs

44: The Gifts of Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)
youtu.be/Cy3uc66nMaQ

Are you socially sensitive and do you react strongly to the suffering, pain and problems of others?



HEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY: 5 IMPORTANT SIGNS:


- you can take care of others - and yourself - in the face of pressure and problems.
- you are responsive to the signals of others - as well as to your own signals - - - when something is difficult.
- you prioritize and consciously choose the extent to which you involve yourself in the difficulties of others: - - you respect your boundaries.
- you maintain contact with a center in yourself when you engage with the world around you.
- when you sacrifice your own desires to please others, you feel inner peace, loving feelings, joy and meaning.

UNHEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY: 5 IMPORTANT SIGNS

- you can take care of others - but not yourself - in the face of pressure and problems.
- you are responsive to the signals of others - but not to your own signals - when something is difficult.
- you feel that you have no choice when others have difficulty: you experience inner compulsion and overhear your limits due to guilt.
- you experience ‘losing yourself’ when you engage in the suffering and problems of others. You have a longing to be ‘the little one who is taken care of’.
- when you sacrifice your own desires to please others, you are often burdened inside with fatigue, powerlessness, injustice and anger.


ESSENTIAL POINTS THAT SUPPORT YOUR PRACTISE IN INNER PEACE AND HEALTHY RESPONSIBILITY:

- Stay in yourself when you are with others.
Also when others are sad, disappointed, annoyed.
Also when others have expectations of you.
- Stay in touch with your body.
- Stay connected to your emotions and your own core.
- Allow yourself to feel joy inside, even if others are negative.
- Allow yourself to rest in inner peace even if others are affected by unrest.
- Focus on the strength of others when they are having a hard time. Believe in their potential to bear the pain.
- When others suffer, you do not have to show your compassion by being sad or burdened yourself.
You have more energy to help others when you yourself are happy and calm.

In couples relationsship:

As a hsp, your nervous system responds with more sensitivity to stress, pressure, change and adversity:

- As a particularly sensitive person, you can become more restless than average…
- In periods where you have to take new steps in the relationship and life - e.g. moving, becoming a parent, changing jobs, retiring.
- When you encounter adversity, sorrow and disappointment - e.g. difficulties with work, a child, illness or aging parents.
- If your everyday life is very hectic and unpredictable and you feel trapped in a ‘hamster wheel’.

Your inner turmoil can negatively affect your behavior, so your partner will miss positive contact with you. And you may even need more support from your partner.

- that your partner does not make demands,
- that you have more alone time or
- that your partner talks more with you about what is difficult.

But maybe your partner does is not always able to provide that support?

Important things that you and your partner can do:

- remember that ‘who you are’ is not equal to the stressed our version of yourself. Make sure you and your partner do not identify you and your person as the 'problem'. It gives shame which will make you more touchy and less action oriented.
- grasp your personal development and put inner peace high on your priority list. It will typically help you to have more positive emotions and more energy - and to - - feel more in touch with yourself and your partner.
- define a period where you make concrete changes and where you continuously evaluate: are you calmer inside now? Do you feel better together? What works for you? And what does not?


As a highly sensitive person, you are concerned with trying not making any mistakes.

Part of the highly sensitive strategy is to ‘observe before I do anything’. The sensitive zebra is less likely to be caught by the lion

In ‘the reptile brain’, you may feel that the consequences of making mistakes are dangerous - as if it were about life or death, and things are put on edge even if you try to control yourself. It can be shown by:

- may have difficulty forgiving yourself or your partner if you or your partner have done or said something wrong.
- becomes very self-critical and / or very hurt when you receive criticism or when your partner seems dissatisfied.
- have difficulty accepting your own or your partner's mistakes - your thoughts revolve around them. - - You think about what has gone wrong, so that grows inside you and between you as a couple.

Important things you and you can do:

- focus on problem solving and not on placing blame: Be concrete and forward-thinking when talking about what needs to be done to learn from the mistake and use it constructively.
- turn down criticism and self-criticism: Self-criticism and criticism inhibit positive change, research shows. The more you criticize yourself or your partner, the more likely you are to make the same mistake over and over again.
- create concrete and positive change: it works very positively and deeply when there is a concrete change in behavior. With yourself as well as with your partner, it will give more self-acceptance - and make it easier to forgive the mistakes that have been made.


As a highly sensitive person, you react more strongly when your partner is in a bad mood:

Several studies show that certain gene markers are associated with greater social sensitivity. Eg. For example, researchers in Switzerland have found that when you wear a particular gene marker for social sensitivity, after an hour of being with your partner, you will be more affected by your partner's mood - whether it's good or bad.

The social sensitivity can be challenging sp that you….

- get very upset and 'magnifies' the feeling if your partner is angry, upset, annoyed, stuffy, etc.
- that you may have an urgent need for your partner to explain what is happening - because otherwise you have difficulty accommodating the negative emotions
- that you are sometimes challenged when it comes to supporting your partner. You really want to help, but you can also become very overwhelmed and restless - and may feel the need to protect yourself by pulling away.

Important things you and you can do:

- handle social sensitivity consciously - and create constructive cooperation:
Your partner may give you "short headlines" (eg my boss was annoying today or I was disappointed that you did not manage to shop today - Just give me some time and I'll be in a good mood again) .

You can train/practise yourself to let go of your partner's feelings - and consciously choose not to process your partner's mood as deeply and react as strongly to it as you would otherwise be inclined to.
Allow yourself to be happy even if your partner is in a bad mood.

Highly sensitive are more likely to feel that they themselves MUST be in the same mood and have the same feelings, as others. Remember that you can actually be a better support for your partner if you hold on to your positive emotions yourself.

- interpret your partner's bad mood constructively - and be careful not to take it personally: As a highly sensitive person, you are more sensitive to the way you interpret your partner's bad mood. Ie. if you think: “Now he is tired of me” or “I can never satisfy her” your partner's mood can strain you far more than if you e.g. thinking, "He should be allowed to have a bad day," or "when she complains, it's because she needs support." Interpretations that help you understand and empathize will reassure you more than interpretations that activate unrest and threat.


As a highly sensitive person, you are more susceptible to conflict and quarrels:

Just as you are strongly positively affected by a good mood in the relationship, you will also be strongly affected by a bad mood. Highly sensitive often tell that an argument ‘sits in the body’ or ‘runs around in the head’ for a long time after the argument has ended.

As a highly sensitive person, you have a hard time ‘shaking it off’ again. Anger grows inside and can form a wall of ice between you and your partner.

Important things you  and your partner can do:

- handle anger consciously, competently and constructively:
anger is a signal flag that marks boundaries and values. Try to calm down after an argument and be together and ‘look behind’ the anger. Ie. try to understand the deeper need to be seen, recognized and understood, that lies behind anger.
This is in research known as mentalization and it is one of the most important ingredients in a healthy and happy relationship.
Do not lock yourself or your partner into the conflict: Remember that what was done or said during a quarrel where the reptiles brain's threat system is active is rarely, what you or your partner deep down believe or stand for.
Make sure to become good friends after an argument: conflicts and disagreements are natural, and arguing does not have to make the relationship unsafe or problematic every now and then. The crucial thing is that you can meet each other afterwards and be loving and open again towards eachother. Then the highly sensitives nervous system will calm down again, instead of being restless and burdened by a bad mood for a long time.


As a highly sensitive person, you are more affected by the wounds of the past:

If you have felt insecure in the relationship with one or both of your parents, you as a highly sensitive person will be more receptive to develop n insecure attachment style - and lead this pattern further into your adult relationship.

Boys and men can - to a greater extent than girls and women - develop an avoidant attatchmentstyle. In your relationship, it can show as if you:

- trying to avoid difficult feelings. It can make it difficult for you to listen to your partner, comfort and help solve the problem. You may instead deny that the problem exists.
may have difficulty relaxing with your partner and sharing closeness, cohesion and intimacy. You prefer to keep your partner at a distance - it protects you from the feeling of needing attachment.
- expect your partner to be a ‘mind reader’. You do not ask for help and do not tell when something is difficult for you. However, if your partner does not pay attention, you will still be annoyed by the lack of support.

Girls and women can - to a greater extent than boys and men - develop an ambivalent / anxious attachment pattern. In your relationship, it can show as:

- have difficulty calming and controlling your emotions. So that you e.g. can get very angry, upset, sad or disappointed. And your partner may find that you overreact.
has a strong urge for closeness, recognition and support. Even when you get attention and love, you do not calm down completely. "How long does it last?" - you anxiously ask yourself inside. The - - you feel longing and it makes you insecure and unsatisfied
- you may have difficulty doing things on your own and can quickly feel alone. You largely share thoughts, actions, decisions and planning with your partner. And you may feel very dependent or as if you are 'losing yourself' in a relationship.

But it can be the other way around - a hsp woman cn be avoidant and a hsp man cn be ambivalent. Sometimes the hsp person also can become desorganised depending of the level of  trauma from the past

An hsp expert, coach

Hsp and hss at the same time

hsperson.com/the-highly-sensitive-person-who-is-also-a-high-sensation-seeker/

The Highly Sensitive Person Who Is Also A High Sensation Seeker

Originalt published in Comfort Zone Newsletter: May 2006.

In the last issue I was reporting on two new theoretical insights that bear on how science is beginning to understand high sensitivity. One theory was about the Behavioral Inhibition System (BIS), which may be stronger in HSPs. The BIS was originally associated with anxiety, but now it is understood to have three functions, one of which has nothing to do with sensing danger, but with simply attending to what’s going on, including making the best of opportunities. As you know, this is something I have always argued about HSPs and have demonstrated with my own research that unless HSPs have had many bad experiences, so that they see danger everywhere, they are no more prone to anxiety than those with a less active BIS. But HSPs are more aware and attentive than those with a less strong BIS.

According to this theory, if an opportunity is sensed, the Behavioral Activation System (BAS) is alerted. It wants to send us out into the world immediately to get what we want or simply to explore. Those with a strong BAS are naturally more curious, eager to “go for it.” This trait is called High Sensation Seeking (HSS, or sometimes it’s called High Novelty Seeking). When it was first studied, the high sensation or novelty seeking aspect was confused with impulsivity and high risk taking. A desire for anything, including anything new, will always be a factor in how much one is willing to risk, even an HSP. But if there’s too great of a risk involved, in an HSP the desire is easily countered by the strong BIS.

About The Test You Are Probably About To Take

Hence I had to create a new sensation seeking scale. The revised High Sensation Seeking Test is below. This test is not backed up by as much research as the HSP test, but will give you a rough idea of your HSS tendencies. Compared to other HSS tests, this version does not have items that imply taking a serious risk, or very much risk of any kind.

For example, HSSs are known to enjoy trying “recreational drugs,” since that leads to all sorts of novel experiences, and a question about this is on most HSS questionnaires. But not many HSPs would answer yes to that, even if they are an HSS too, unless the drug were safe and legal, which things called “recreational drugs” usually are not. So I worded it differently, so that it could include alcohol or even caffeine. I also included fewer items about physical risk, but even then found men scored higher than women. So I provide different norms for men and women. These also are not written in stone–perhaps in another community and certainly in another culture, different norms might apply.

Suppose you are an HSP who scores high on this test, too? What does that mean for you? As with your sensitivity, I can tell you what most HSP/HSSs are like and see if you recognize yourself. But nothing I say will be true of every HSP/HSS because each has so many other innate traits as well as a vast array of different experiences throughout their lives. But in general, again, HSP/HSSs have a strong desire for novelty and the “good stuff” in life, but are not willing to take high risks to get these. Since there’s plenty of novelty and pleasure to be found without taking risks, HSPs who are also HSSs tend to do just that–enjoy safe novelty, eagerly go after pleasures that are not dangerous–and to do this pursuing more than HSPs who are not HSSs. However, it’s amazing how safe an HSP can make a risky sport, for example. I know HSPs who have done hang gliding, and many like to ski, scuba dive, and ride horses. But they do these safely. They may be fire fighters or work in law enforcement, but they use their observational skills and low impulsivity to do their job as safely as possible, and hence more effectively in the long run. Obviously many people in these professions live to a ripe old age, so it’s certainly possible to do.

Being an HSP/HSS almost sounds like the best of all possible worlds, doesn’t it? And I think it can be. But most HSS/HSPs will tell you it’s also rough going.

The Trouble With Being An HSP/HSS

I have always used the analogy one HSP/HSS gave me, which was that she felt like she lived with one foot on the gas, one foot on the brake. But in fact, both parts are drivers, with human concerns and strategies for getting their way. Hence HSP/HSSs more often feel like two people in a constant argument. And the HSS part often wins because in this culture, at least, the combination of curiosity, competitiveness (more typical of HSSs), and risk taking are all admired more than the HSP combination of traits. Hence the HSP part often feels it has less power and is more often dominated by the HSS part.

These thoughts led me to comparing the HSP/HSS to a couple in which one is an HSP but not an HSS, the other is an HSS but not an HSP. As with such couples, the person with an HSP and an HSS inside has no problem with boredom, but a lot of trouble with conflict. So, as with such couples, the following points apply.

1. Look at it as a package deal. What you don’t like about the other is just the flip side of what you do like. Your HSP part is a spoilsport with all its worries? A hindrance to every plan? It’s also prudent. It keeps you safe to enjoy more novelty another day. Is it indecisive, always wanting to wait and see? It’s also a good strategist; it helps you win. Is it needing all of this down time, this boring doing nothing that keeps you from being able to join in when others are out doing new things? But as it processes, it discovers new insights and fresh aspects of every situation. It is finding novelty and satisfying your curiosity. It’s just a kind of exploring that does not require going anywhere or taking any risks at all. Pretty neat, once you see it that way.

Now what would the HSP part of you say? Does it feel run ragged by the HSS part? Feel dragged into risky situations, rough new sports, travel to strange places where there’s more disease and crime? Well, another way to look at that is that the more you, the HSP, tries these things and is successful, the less risky it will seem next time. And, you’ll increasingly see yourself as very competent in all sorts of situations, as competent as any worldly non-HSP. You might even enjoy yourself.

Does the HSS never allow you a chance to rest? Well, at least your life very interesting and full of adventures, which many other HSPs might envy. Does the HSS seem to get its way too often, enjoying the support of everyone around you? At least it’s keeping you, the HSP, safely hidden from those who would misunderstand you and wound your feelings.

However, you are a little right, in that since the culture supports the HSS more, you will have to learn to give it a firm NO when NO it needs to be.

In my experience, all of this is more difficult for those HSP/HSSs who have had difficult, stressful lives, so that they experience the world now as very threatening, which frustrates the HSS, and without meaning, which alarms the HSP. They feel more ashamed of whichever side of themselves they are showing, and more dominated by it, rather even imagining that the two parts can live together or even help each other. Often they use all the activity that the HSS part wants as a defense against their bad feelings, which are associated with the HSP part. The HSP part, in turn, is used to having a rough time of it ever since childhood, and even of being misused by others and powerless to stop it. So the HSP part is given little attention, which allows their HSS part to wear them out physically until they develop some illness or chronic syndrome, the only way the HSP can get its needs met, which is for rest, nurturing, less stimulation, and a chance to process. Unfortunately, that processing may lead to more bad feelings, so the troubled HSP/HSS is often out of bed as soon as possible, trying to escape the HSP part once again. If the HSP part is dominating, the person may not leave the bed after all, but the person’s suffering may be more psychological–panic attacks, agoraphobia, and depression.

2. Grieve what cannot be. As an HSS who is also an HSP, you will always be limited in how much novelty, risk, and stimulation you can manage. As an HSP who is also an HSS, you will often be right at the edge of feeling overstimulated. Overextended. Over aroused. You’ll have to get used to the idea. Both of them. You won’t find good solutions until you’ve accepted your predicament fully.

3. Now, get creative. Having accepted what is, you can begin to plan ways to make both parts of you happy. You really can. Look at the happy couples in which one’s an HSP, one’s not. They find solutions. So can you. Does the HSS like big cities, the HSP find them overwhelming?

At regular intervals, let the HSS explore a new city–to find the most beautiful, quiet spots for the HSP to enjoy. Does the HSP want to go to the country? Let the HSS explore new places each time, those places that the HSP has a hunch will be good. Does the HSP want to just stay home? Bring in some variety. Try new foods. Watch a video the HSP would usually avoid, but fast forward through the upsetting parts. Get a pet who is just like you–a peppy pup who loves to roam with the HSS, but once worn out, will sleep contentedly beside the HSP.

4. Use each part to bring YOU what you want. There’s a you who is neither HSP or HSS. Did you ever think about that? This you has talents, values, and goals that are quite specific, not just those of all HSPs or all HSSs. The HSS in you wants to display those talents, live by those values, and achieve those goals as soon as possible. Just living this way, living fully, can be a special thrill to the HSS.

But the HSP in you really wants to be sure it is all done right. No mistakes due to impulsive decisions, and hence no deeply disappointing or humiliating failures. Now, what a winning combo, if the HSS uses the HSP to notice all the subtleties and only take action when success is as certain as anything can be by studying a situation, and the HSP lets the HSS make its move when the time is right. After all, even HSPs love success. But they can’t succeed if they don’t try. The HSS is the one who will make it happen. As someone once said about golf, “Every shot I don’t take is a certain failure.” So YOU choose your goal. Then let your HSS swing. After your HSP takes aim.

The Other Problems With Being An HSP/HSS: Now That You Get Along With Yourself Better…

What about others? HSP/HSSs seem to have a harder time finding the right partner, because really they need another HSP/HSS, and those are relatively scarce. You can imagine the troubles otherwise, in both cases. Maybe the worst problem, at least for the other person, is that the inner conflict gets “projected.” With another HSP, that person is blamed for too many of the problems that actually the inner HSP is causing the HSP/HSS. “You never want to do anything!” The same is true when the HSP/HSS is trying to live with an HSS. The HSS partner is the problem, as the HSP/HSS forgets about his or her own HSS part and complains, “You wear me out. Can’t we stay home? You just don’t understand me.”

I recall a couple in which the husband was an HSS, the wife the blend of the two. They were two journalists, and they happened to be on a vacation in a remote locale when a terrible terrorist act was committed there. As newspaper reporters for the daily paper of a large city–and the only reporters who happened to be already on the scene–they had the chance and indeed the news journalist’s duty to report the event to the world. The HSS husband was able to write his story about the catastrophe without too much distress, and was even glad he’d had this great career opportunity. The HSP/HSS wife could write nothing for days (although what she eventually wrote was deeply meaningful). She was too shocked, almost as if she’d been in the nightclub herself.

Talking with me, she realized that she had chosen a career in newspaper journalism because of her HSS side, but she was going to have to think twice about the kind of reporting she did in the future, given her HSP side. I am not sure how their relationship turned out, but they certainly learned something about whatever difficulties they were already having (and every couple has them).

This brings up the same difficulty with careers: HSP/HSSs find a hard time finding work that satisfies both sides of themselves. It may be the most important factor to consider when trying to find the right workplace, the right calling.

I know you would like advice on relationships and careers for HSP/HSSs, but it is truly a unique problem for each person. About careers, I have noticed that HSP/HSSs seem to make the ideal interviewers. They are very curious and like meeting new people, at least in this structured environment, and they can use their sensitivity to get into the other person’s mind and ask the right question. Perhaps that observation of mine will spark thoughts of other situations in which there’s some protection and structure that prevents being overwhelmed by constant change, yet new situations are always coming (new classes if you are a teacher, new patients if you are in the health professions, new customers if you are in sales or customer service, new products if you are in marketing, etc?)

Don’t Hide Either Side

HSP/HSSs are often able to hide their sensitive side from others, either potential partners or employers. But even if you don’t bring it up initially, don’t pretend it isn’t there. Bring it up as soon as it could be an issue. This was something else I learned from an HSP/HSS. She’d found she was attracting mostly HSS men because she was hiding her HSP self, fairly easy to do when you are dating, at least at first. You’re just busy when you’re really needing time alone, or he wants you to do something your HSP side wouldn’t like. She said she was just realizing that hiding her sensitivity was a waste of her time and the men’s. She was going to bring it up, the combo, right away.

I also hope that she was able to convey pride about both of her temperament traits, and to teach others to appreciate them too. Don’t fall into thinking of the HSP part as a limit and talking about it that way to HSSs: “It’s a drag that I can’t work all day and party all night.” Your HSP part adds so much to the HSS, who would otherwise miss the subtleties, just plunge into everything, and have that much less to offer the world and that much less awareness, feeling, connection, and pleasure. One thing my research has found is that HSPs feel happiness more intensely than others. So, may the HSS in your life, both outside and in, show you new experiences to enjoy, and may the HSP in you give you the extra joy to be found in them.

www.amazon.com/Thrill-Sensation-Seeking-Highly-Sensitive-ebook/dp/B01L9W8AH2

If you are an introverted hsp in your relationship:

As an introvert, you charge your batteries via alonetime or with a few others.

It can be challenging…

- If your partner interprets it as a sign of rejection and takes your urge to be alone personally.
- When it is not possible because you are busy and / or have many social obligations. Then you may become stressed and seem less loving.
- If your partner misses your presence when you are with many others - and longs to share the joy with you.

Important things you and you can do:

- Communicate lovingly and respectfully.
- Explain how much time you need alone and how often.
- Match expectations and find out what your partner wants.
- Emphasize that you are looking forward to being together again.
- Emphasize that you feel connected to your partner while you are alone.
- Practice relaxing with activities where you are 'together individually'. Example: doing different things in the same room. It can help your partner feel more connected to you than if you were in a completely different place.
- Plan sensibly and accept the difference.
Sensible planning may involve the most outgoing parent taking the parent meeting or residents meeting, while the introvert in turn arranges things in the home.
- Instead of expecting "We must be alike", you can focus on "we are very different."
- Do not identify your personality with the 'stressed version':
- When you are stressed, it is important that you and your partner do not identify you and your person as the 'problem'. Rather take a concrete look at the framework for everyday life and consider how you can get more peace and less stress.

As an introvert, you are typically less likely to go into conflicts

The introverted strategy is typically: ‘I think twice before saying anything’.

In the ‘primordialreptole brain’, you may feel that the consequences of a conflict seem threatening. It can lead you to

-  not get told off when you have a limit.
- saves nuild-up anger, which manifests itself as psychological distance in everyday life
- Think of your partner's faults and shortcomings - and let them grow big inside.
- inside you think negatively about your partner while you are not together.

Important things you and you can do:

- Make a regular ‘temperature measurement’: Get used to - calmly and respectfully - talking about the things that might otherwise pile up between you.
- During conflicts: If you get overwhelmed, you can take a deep breath and say, "I need us to talk quietly about it later, when we're good friends again." Instead of less appropriate strategies:
to give in quickly because the conflict makes you so uneasy.
to attack or defend yourself - without listening with your heart to your partner.
to withdraw and try to avoid talking about the subject again.

-After conflicts: Be careful about locking your partner in a 'negative box'. Examples of the negative box is that you after a conflict…
expect your partner to always behave the same way.
gives up solving the problem and concludes that your partner is impossible.
keeps believing that your partner means exactly what was said while “the red box” was active. Remember that your partner may mean something completely different in the "green field".

As an introvert, you get drained of energy faster when you are with a lot of people:

It can lead you to 

- feel exhausted before, during and after parties, receptions and other events in larger groups.
- can long to have deeper conversations in person when you and your partner are out in social relationships with several people.
- that you may be interpreted as dismissive, negative, reserved, unkind or boring when you feel overwhelmed by social input

Important things you and can do:

- create a fair balance: if your partner has a large family or large circle of friends, while you yourself long for a quiet walk in the woods, it is important that it is not one of you who gives in most of the time. It creates dissatisfaction in the long run. Try to share things equally.
set aside time to talk to a lot of people and a few: At the beginning of an event, you may be able to ‘circulate around’ with your partner, so that your partner feels connected to you. Then you can set aside time to immerse yourself in conversations with a few people. Or vice versa: ‘thaw yourself’ with a deep conversation, and afterwards feel more ready to circulate around.
- control your reactions, when you are socially exhausted: As an introvert, you can train yourself to have a well-functioning ‘social mask’: use the mask to send positive signals, even if you are challenged inside. At the same time, provide times when you can take off the mask again and enjoy your introverted personality.

As an introvert - you can be influenced by the culture - measure yourself with an extrovert scale

If you interpret your personality negatively and as ‘not extroverted enough’, it can lead to you to….

- become self-critical and have low self-esteem
- experience that your partner is more worthy to receive love, respect and proper treatment
- feel that you have no right to listen to the introverted aspects of your personality

Important things you can do:

- be aware of the benefits of being introverted: e.g. are you typically good at listening, going in depth, planning, showing consideration for others, being thoughtful and thoughtful,
- finish projects instead of having many loose ends, - have deep friendships.
- take care of yourself in the relationship: It's perfectly ok to compromise. But it's not healthy to lose yourself: do not try to 'become a completely different person' to please your partner.
follow your heart and your gut feeling: when planning everyday and vacation with your partner, you need to listen to the feelings and sensations in your body. If there are special activities that ‘do not feel right’, it is important that you and your partner ensure a balance. Ie. that you can rest and recharge your batteries after a period when you have had to be more outgoing.

Acquire extrovert skills


As an introvert, your life can be enriched when you learn to play on several of the outward-looking keys of your personality - whether your partner is introverted like you or extroverted. Here are examples:

- learn how to small talk
- practise giving speaches and presentations
- do activities together with your extroverted partner

Research shows that when we work with our partner to develop new personal skills, it helps us to feel:

- that love is alive.
- I expand my horizons with my partner
- life is worth living
- I'm not bored, I'm committed.

When you develop extroverted skills in a meaningful way, you will feel enriched.

Conversely, if you ruthlessly overhear inner signals and lock yourself in an outward-facing mask, you may lose yourself, become stressed, and have relationship problems.

The impact of childhood on the hsp child/hsp grownup:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=KfqWQjzsjM8

3 types of hsp according to Elaine Aron: (there are more, but this is an examble)

1) Those who do not underestimate themselves and who are in good balance with themselves and who have been backed up by being highly sensitive in their childhood and where they have learned to listen to themselves

2) Those who underestimate themselves because there has been a critical judgement of their sensitive traits.

3) Those who underestimate themselves and who have had a stressed childhood.

The hsp child is often the first to show, that something is wrong/off in the family / that something is out of balance. Thats why the parent should be aware of their hsp child, and their reaction to the unspoken in the family.

They are like little canaries (birds)

More about anger:

Deal with your partner's anger and irritation in a conscious and competent way. 10 tips for the relationship.


1.Tame your impulses with effective ‘quality control’
Remember that you can not control your first emotional reaction to your partners anger. Anger is contagious, and the emotional centers of the brain respond impulsively in split seconds.

But you CAN control whether you blindly follow your impulses - or whether you choose to look ahead and act more consciously.

Train your self-control and try not to do and say things that you will regret afterwards.

Is it now time for you to explode? Ask for a time-out and calmly and respectfully say, that you will return once you have regained your self-control.

Is it a few days later that you "give back"? Control the trapped part of yourself - instead of letting yourself be controlled by it. Choose more constructive ways to get in touch with your partner so that you get past your passive aggressions.

IMPORTANT POINTS:
1. Quality control stems from your conscience, your values, your morals, and your common sense.
Let the best in you win - instead of letting yourself get carried away by impulses and old patterns.

2. Look with care, understanding and reflection on your partner's anger and irritation
Anger is a natural feeling, but as an adult it is typically a signal of powerlessness, when not expressed in a controlled and attuned manner.

Keep in mind that when your partner becomes angry, it is typically because something in the current situation is reminiscent of difficult situations where he / she as a child did not receive emotional support from his / her parents.

Look behind the anger and ask yourself:

What is this really about?
- does my partner want to hurt me?
- or is it about something else?

In research, this is known as mentalization: to see oneself from the outside seen through the eyes of the partner, and to see the partner from the inside and imagine how it feels for your partner.

This ability to look behind and go a sod deeper is very crucial to the happiness of a relationship.

3. Do not make small things into big things
When the brain's threat system is activated, small things can turn into big things.

4. Make an honest effort to become good friends before you go to bed
If there is ‘anger and irritation’ between you, it can affect your sleep.
If you are prone to feeling recentment or go for a long time with hurt feelings, you can try to change this habit - and handle the situation more constructively.

Important point: Take the initiative to meet your partner. Even if you have to overcome yourself.

It can be a great relief for your partner. Especially if you have previously had a ‘wall of cold’ and have frozen your partner out, it is important to follow this advice.

Even if you are not aware of it, your 'shutdown' can be experienced as a punishment and help to break down your partner mentally - and eventually create an insecure relationship or a break in the relationship.

Try to break the pattern by being the first to unravel the threads again after a conflict.

IMPORTANT POINT: REMEMBER THAT BY 'FREEZING YOUR PARTNER OUT' YOU CAN BE DESTRUCTIVE.
Read if necessary. more on the concept of stonewalling if you recognize this behavior and would like to change it.

5. Do not be afraid to ask for forgiveness if a mistake - or part of a mistake - was yours
By apologizing and asking for forgiveness, you are showing strength, responsibility, and love. In a quiet moment, try to find out what your partner thinks of you:

Do you typically find it easy to admit a mistake?
Are you typically good at saying sincere and loving apologies?
Or are you fighting for the 'honor'? - and will not admit anything when you receive criticism?
If you are very arrogant, your own lack of responsiveness and admitting mistakes can be a big part of the reason your partner's anger and irritation recur over and over again.

Try to break your pattern and experience the difference. You may fear losing face, but typically you gain respect for your partner and yourself instead.

6. Do not automatically turn your partner's anger and irritation inward
Sometimes your partner shows anger and irritation that has nothing to do with you. It can e.g. be:

Your partner has had a bad day or is in a stressful period.
You and your partner have misunderstood each other.
Your partner is angry at someone else, but lets it go beyond you.
Your partner is angry with himself and is therefore more aggressive
Your self-esteem can take a big dive if you repeatedly turn it inward when your partner is having a hard time regulating his anger and letting it go beyond you.

7. Use direct and respectful communication - instead of 'walking on eggshells'.
There is a risk that you and your partner will develop a 'minefield' with dangerous topics that you have difficulty talking about. This can lead to a communication where you

avoids difficult topics.
do not tell each other directly about your needs, boundaries and desires.
goes and ‘waits’ for a need to be discovered and taken seriously - while the frustration grows inside.
BREAK THIS PATTERN:
set aside time each week to talk about a difficult topic.
make it a goal that you both try to understand and meet a need of the other.
tell calmly, lovingly and respectfully about your needs. Instead of exploding in frustration because you have suppressed them.

8. Understand your feelings - and show yourself care
It is typical that you may feel lonely, misunderstood, stepped on, hurt, treated unfairly, alone, let down, sad, angry, annoyed or frustrated - and many other negative emotions.

If your partner is often angry and irritated, emotions can pile up:

Give yourself warmth and care. Do not be critical and harsh on yourself in this situation.
Understand your own reactions: Be aware that your partner's behavior can hit 'old wounds' from earlier in your life. When your sore spots are affected, it is difficult to maintain control.
Talk to your inner child. Give it the message: ‘it's different now.” You can e.g. say: “As a child, you could not be happy and calm when Dad was annoyed. But now you have to keep your good energy and inner peace, even if xxxx is angry ”Or:“ Mom used to get really angry, and then you completely shut yourself off. But now it's actually ok to say something. It's not all your fault. ”

Write a list of things you can think, say and do that will help you maintain your self-control, inner peace and balance in the difficult situations. Eg. breathing, soothing thoughts, remembering positive things your partner has said about you, watching a funny youtube clip, hearing a beautiful song, calling a friend, etc.

Help your brain: remember that even a short break where you get distracted can help your brain to get into another state where you take things less seriously.

9.Remember good experiences with your partner
As part of survival, it is the nature of the brain to dwell on the negative:

the hurtful words your partner has said.
the injustice you experience.
the uncomfortable feeling you have got inside.

Consciously spend time in a situation of anger and irritation, remembering good experiences you have had together and things you like to do with your partner. At the same time, try to dwell on and ‘taste’:

the good reasons to love your partner.
what your partner has said and done that has been loving.
the conflicts you have resolved together in a good way.

How to help your brain more quickly enter a state where you can think nuanced and constructive - instead of in black and white.

IMPORTANT POINT: EXERCISE THE BRAIN
The more you train the brain to think, feel and experience life and your partner in this positive way, the more the blood will begin to flow in new patterns in the brain.

This means that you become less 'locked in' to negative emotions.

10. Do not let your partner's misbehavior become your own misbehavior.
Remember that as a sensitive person, you are even more negatively affected by your partner's anger and irritation than most others. Therefore, you have an important task: to hold on to the best version of yourself under pressure.

IMPORTANT POINT: AS A SENSITIVE PERSON, YOU ARE MORE UNDER PRESSURE IN THESE SITUATIONS THAN THE AVERAGE.
Try to see it as a challenge you can grow with, instead of a problem you are stuck in:

remember that coal turns into diamond when there is a lot of pressure. Set yourself up for the pressure from your partner to make your inner diamond shine - instead of making you go black.
decide not to give back from the same drawer - but instead lift yourself, your partner and the relationship to a better place.
Give yourself rewards every time you change your behavior and break a pattern.
Your partner's anger and irritation can be unpleasant. But it will typically be twice as uncomfortable for you to go through the situation if at the same time you are also pressured into behaving in a way that you regret.

Therefore, seek to cope with the discomfort while maintaining contact with the constructive, competent and strong part of yourself.

IMPORTANT POINT: EVERY TIME YOU DO IT, YOU HELP YOUR PARTNER DO THE SAME. THIS IS A VERY EFFECTIVE WAY TO CREATE POSITIVE CHANGE.