|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2020 4:29:58 GMT
My DA has been distancing more and more lately and I’m feeling it. I feel disconnected from him and I’m unsure how to handle it without being too AP needy and insensitive or ignoring my own needs.
He’s been distancing due to back pain. I know the pain is severe bc he actually went to a doctor for help. They found he has a herniated disc. He admitted to feeling frustrated and angry by his circumstances. He won’t have relief from the constant pain until he gets an epidural, which is currently unscheduled. My issue is physical ailment or not, I’d still like to maintain a connection and instead he’s pulling his resources within like a DA does.
His texts are short and generally dismissive- when I offer to pick something up at the store for him or help in some way around the house, it’s a firm no. When I asked this week if he’d like to get together he replied “There’s no way I can imagine relaxing in this pain. Sorry”
I understand he’s suffering and when I have the flu or stomach bug I’ll want to be completely left alone too, but this pain has been on-going for two weeks already with no end in sight. So we didn’t see each other over the holidays and the 2 weeks we both just had off from work.
It makes me feel like I’m not cared for and I don’t matter to him bc a physical ailment can cause him to push me away...and it’s disappointing I can bring no comfort to him. Am I being insensitive? I don’t really have many options since I already told him I missed him and would like to see him and he said no. Is there a better way I should handle this?
|
|
maryt
New Member
Posts: 24 
|
Post by maryt on Jan 1, 2020 4:49:05 GMT
I know when my DA isn’t feeling well with even a bad cold or sore throat (currently), he absolutely likes to be left alone. No doting or trying to offer things of comfort...things that I’d appreciate. So, I can only imagine with something more severe like a herniated disc, his distance would be amplified. Once he had a lingering kidney stone. I’m talking six months on and off. I suddenly didn’t hear from him for a few days and got worried (and triggered). Found out he had surgery to remove the stone and didn’t even tell me. He was dealing with it by himself. When we talked about it, his position is that he doesn’t think it’s fair to worry me with things I don’t have any control over. I explained that typically in a committed relationship, you like to care for your partner...especially when they’re ill or need extra help. He doesn’t see it that way for himself and prefers to handle things alone. I’ve learned that I need to respect that. His position isn’t wrong, just different than what I’d prefer. Interestingly enough, when I’m the one who’s not feeling well or has an issue, he likes to help and make sure I have what I need. Go figure.
Sorry this happened for you during the holidays. It’s hard enough when they don’t want our help...but I’m sure it’s extra disappointing when you both had time off and you had time to offer being there for him. Hang in there.
|
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Jan 1, 2020 5:04:41 GMT
Hugs Faithopelove,
Do you think the holidays and presumption of closeness/intimacy could be exacerbating it ? The avoidants I dated both would back right off around birthdays/ valentines/ holidays especially around Christmas time, which totally hurts of course. There can also be that reminder of their family around Christmas, which can bring up emotional stuff that makes them shut down. Having his back hurt and feeling vulnerable would not be helping.
Its a bitter pill to swallow I know, but giving space and waiting for them to reach out is pretty much the best hope for a quicker reconnection. Any chasing just prolongs it.
I'm sorry you're having a lonely holiday faith. Lovely person like you would be such nice company, he's missing out <3
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2020 5:22:19 GMT
I know when my DA isn’t feeling well with even a bad cold or sore throat (currently), he absolutely likes to be left alone. No doting or trying to offer things of comfort...things that I’d appreciate. So, I can only imagine with something more severe like a herniated disc, his distance would be amplified. Once he had a lingering kidney stone. I’m talking six months on and off. I suddenly didn’t hear from him for a few days and got worried (and triggered). Found out he had surgery to remove the stone and didn’t even tell me. He was dealing with it by himself. When we talked about it, his position is that he doesn’t think it’s fair to worry me with things I don’t have any control over. I explained that typically in a committed relationship, you like to care for your partner...especially when they’re ill or need extra help. He doesn’t see it that way for himself and prefers to handle things alone. I’ve learned that I need to respect that. His position isn’t wrong, just different than what I’d prefer. Interestingly enough, when I’m the one who’s not feeling well or has an issue, he likes to help and make sure I have what I need. Go figure. Sorry this happened for you during the holidays. It’s hard enough when they don’t want our help...but I’m sure it’s extra disappointing when you both had time off and you had time to offer being there for him. Hang in there. - Thanks for your perspective w another DA. It’s hard on one level for the distancing not to feel hurtful bc I know if I was in prolonged pain I’d still want to see him, but logically I know DA’s are completely different with their approaches. I’m probably annoying him by checking on him. After his MRI I wanted to know how it went and he just said it caused throbbing pain. I wanted to know how it “felt” to be in the MRI machine- did he panic? Likely he did not! He just doesn’t relive and share details. I know this about him. The fact that yours went ahead w a surgery without telling you is the perfect example - mine is also very practical and matter of fact and would do something similar bc I “couldn’t help anyway.” Yes, it was extra hard bc it was the holidays and I was expecting us to spend time together like we normally do. I just felt shut out. I need to reframe that. Thx again for sharing...it helps me to stand back and be more objective 🙂 |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2020 5:30:41 GMT
Hugs Faithopelove, Do you think the holidays and presumption of closeness/intimacy could be exacerbating it ? The avoidants I dated both would back right off around birthdays/ valentines/ holidays especially around Christmas time, which totally hurts of course. There can also be that reminder of their family around Christmas, which can bring up emotional stuff that makes them shut down. Having his back hurt and feeling vulnerable would not be helping. Its a bitter pill to swallow I know, but giving space and waiting for them to reach out is pretty much the best hope for a quicker reconnection. Any chasing just prolongs it. I'm sorry you're having a lonely holiday faith. Lovely person like you would be such nice company, he's missing out <3 - Thx for your kind words 💕 I do think the physical condition exacerbated an already depressive state. He told me few days before Thanksgiving that he felt like he was in “a funk.” That is the closest he gets to telling me he’s depressed. The holiday depression on top of this sudden and constant pain probably pushed him over the edge. I was actually surprised he told he he was feeling frustrated and angry- he doesn’t usually verbalize what he’s feeling. I think you’re right too about giving space bc I’ve been checking in and offering to help and he’s getting increasingly more distant and dismissive. For example, when I texted “Happy New Year” tonight, he texted back U2. The smallest possible effort. I will back off and let him handle this in his own independent way. Yes, I do feel he’s missing out...lol! Thx 😊 |
|
andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
|
Post by andy on Jan 1, 2020 18:45:26 GMT
This sounds hard. Maybe you can think of giving him his space as trying to support and care for him in a way that meets his need while he is going through so much pain. Could even let him know that's how you are thinking of it?
I'm more inclined to say give him space if he is going through acute temporary pain and that's his preference. If it's a bigger pattern of being pushed away and not having your need for connection met, I think that's a conversation to have with him (and with yourself) to figure out how to meet both of your needs, if that's even possible. So important to always look out for your needs and not stuff them down for anyone else, as an AP. Good luck. <3
|
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Jan 1, 2020 21:09:09 GMT
This sounds hard. Maybe you can think of giving him his space as trying to support and care for him in a way that meets his need while he is going through so much pain. Could even let him know that's how you are thinking of it? I'm more inclined to say give him space if he is going through acute temporary pain and that's his preference. If it's a bigger pattern of being pushed away and not having your need for connection met, I think that's a conversation to have with him (and with yourself) to figure out how to meet both of your needs, if that's even possible. So important to always look out for your needs and not stuff them down for anyone else, as an AP. Good luck. <3 - Thanks for your input, yes I think that giving him space while he deals w his back issues, whether I tell him I’m doing that or not, and then only check in once or twice a week to see how he’s feeling would probably be ideal for him to not feel pressured, but still know I care about him and I’m thinking about him. That would probably be his ideal balance. Thx and Happy New Year! 🙂 |
|
