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Post by aisling on Aug 19, 2017 2:38:37 GMT
Hey, all! So I was reading another one of those articles about the anxious-avoidant trap and what to do if you find yourself in one. Like most I see, it gave advice on how to act around your avoidant partner/how to lessen the avoidant's stress response by catering to their particular attachment style needs, but very much left out how avoidants could respond to their anxious partners in order to calm them/reduce relational stress. I always see this: anxious folks being expected to learn about the avoidants, moderate their emotions, and basically empathize/do all the emotional labor for the both of you. Don't get me wrong-I see so much value in learning how to regulate your tougher emotions and in general, get a grip on your insecure attachment, no matter who you are. I just really, really don't understand why it usually falls on the anxious person to do all the work! If it takes two people to heal, why can't there be more balance? If we're expected to empathize with the avoidant so that they can feel better and hopefully become a better partner, why can't avoidants be expected to do the same?
Case in point: I read a transcript of a podcast that was about how to handle conflict with your avoidant partner. They said they would create something similar for anxious people as well, but lo and behold, they never created it!
Am I wrong in this? Has anyone else noticed this trend? I feel like because APs tend to be over-empathizers, fixers, etc., and avoidants tend to blame their partners, it's way more common to see this imbalance. But what happens when you, as an AP, do all this personal work and put all this emotional labor into your relationship and into understanding the avoidant only to realize that one person can't fix everything? It has to be both. It's so frustrating, and heartbreaking, to realize that in American culture (can only speak for myself/upbringing) the avoidant way of doing relationships is still valued more than anything else... you see it in these articles, too, because they give you the not-so-subtle message that as as anxious person you're somehow flawed and should be making yourself more like the avoidant: cool, calm, collected (control, control, control). Self-sufficiency and autonomy and doing everything on your own is the way to go. Sometimes, it just makes me so indignant! I just want to say, you know what, why is it so wrong to want your partner to feel empathy towards you or want your partner to not misconstrue any kind of emotional display as "a conflict?"
Why do we have to spend time telling our partners how to empathize and support us?
I should add that I think it's equally important to support your avoidant partners, too. I just wish there were way more resources out their that supported APs this way!
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soho
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Post by soho on Aug 19, 2017 9:49:36 GMT
You 're right about the frustrations for the APs, and DAs may indeed seem more successful to others, but I'm not sure that's the reason there are more handbooks for APs than for DAs. I'm afraid it's just the DAs that care less and are less motivated to invest time and energy in the relationship since they may feel bad when there is too much intimacy.
I had kindly suggested my DA wife to read "Receiving love", about how to be more open for love. But after 5 minutes of reading she replied she didn t need this, she was fine and she didn t fit in the description the author gave...
We recently went on a holiday and I thought I did well in pleasing my wife. But then afterwards I overheard my wife talking to girlfriends saying she had survived that holiday with me - suggesting that I was such a bad guy.
Someone of the forum suggested me to read about the 180 degree rule. The idea is to stop doing what you used to do and totally change your approach. Stop expecting or wanting things from your partner and no longer invest in him/her either. Still be nice but act as if you move on without him/her.
Instead of indeed doing all of the emotional labor in my relationship I'd rather put the energy in what want and can get. Eg instead of joining my wife to the shops she likes I ll just do more things I like, go out with friends, visit my family. If my wife will then miss the attention she used to get, she may put more effort in the relationship. And if she's fine with the new situation at least it will be clear to me that I wasn t that important to her.
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Post by learningalongtheway on Dec 11, 2017 1:55:40 GMT
Hey, all! So I was reading another one of those articles about the anxious-avoidant trap and what to do if you find yourself in one. Like most I see, it gave advice on how to act around your avoidant partner/how to lessen the avoidant's stress response by catering to their particular attachment style needs, but very much left out how avoidants could respond to their anxious partners in order to calm them/reduce relational stress. I always see this: anxious folks being expected to learn about the avoidants, moderate their emotions, and basically empathize/do all the emotional labor for the both of you. Don't get me wrong-I see so much value in learning how to regulate your tougher emotions and in general, get a grip on your insecure attachment, no matter who you are. I just really, really don't understand why it usually falls on the anxious person to do all the work! If it takes two people to heal, why can't there be more balance? If we're expected to empathize with the avoidant so that they can feel better and hopefully become a better partner, why can't avoidants be expected to do the same? Case in point: I read a transcript of a podcast that was about how to handle conflict with your avoidant partner. They said they would create something similar for anxious people as well, but lo and behold, they never created it! Am I wrong in this? Has anyone else noticed this trend? I feel like because APs tend to be over-empathizers, fixers, etc., and avoidants tend to blame their partners, it's way more common to see this imbalance. But what happens when you, as an AP, do all this personal work and put all this emotional labor into your relationship and into understanding the avoidant only to realize that one person can't fix everything? It has to be both. It's so frustrating, and heartbreaking, to realize that in American culture (can only speak for myself/upbringing) the avoidant way of doing relationships is still valued more than anything else... you see it in these articles, too, because they give you the not-so-subtle message that as as anxious person you're somehow flawed and should be making yourself more like the avoidant: cool, calm, collected (control, control, control). Self-sufficiency and autonomy and doing everything on your own is the way to go. Sometimes, it just makes me so indignant! I just want to say, you know what, why is it so wrong to want your partner to feel empathy towards you or want your partner to not misconstrue any kind of emotional display as "a conflict?" Why do we have to spend time telling our partners how to empathize and support us? I should add that I think it's equally important to support your avoidant partners, too. I just wish there were way more resources out their that supported APs this way! I actually feel that it's the opposite; there are more resources for APs than DAs. I think this is because ex-APs (now secure) are usually the ones writing articles about attachment styles so the focus is on finding secure people and learning to soothe oneself. Could you share the article you found? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2017 20:41:39 GMT
Hey, all! So I was reading another one of those articles about the anxious-avoidant trap and what to do if you find yourself in one. Like most I see, it gave advice on how to act around your avoidant partner/how to lessen the avoidant's stress response by catering to their particular attachment style needs, but very much left out how avoidants could respond to their anxious partners in order to calm them/reduce relational stress. I always see this: anxious folks being expected to learn about the avoidants, moderate their emotions, and basically empathize/do all the emotional labor for the both of you. Don't get me wrong-I see so much value in learning how to regulate your tougher emotions and in general, get a grip on your insecure attachment, no matter who you are. I just really, really don't understand why it usually falls on the anxious person to do all the work! If it takes two people to heal, why can't there be more balance? If we're expected to empathize with the avoidant so that they can feel better and hopefully become a better partner, why can't avoidants be expected to do the same? Case in point: I read a transcript of a podcast that was about how to handle conflict with your avoidant partner. They said they would create something similar for anxious people as well, but lo and behold, they never created it! Am I wrong in this? Has anyone else noticed this trend? I feel like because APs tend to be over-empathizers, fixers, etc., and avoidants tend to blame their partners, it's way more common to see this imbalance. But what happens when you, as an AP, do all this personal work and put all this emotional labor into your relationship and into understanding the avoidant only to realize that one person can't fix everything? It has to be both. It's so frustrating, and heartbreaking, to realize that in American culture (can only speak for myself/upbringing) the avoidant way of doing relationships is still valued more than anything else... you see it in these articles, too, because they give you the not-so-subtle message that as as anxious person you're somehow flawed and should be making yourself more like the avoidant: cool, calm, collected (control, control, control). Self-sufficiency and autonomy and doing everything on your own is the way to go. Sometimes, it just makes me so indignant! I just want to say, you know what, why is it so wrong to want your partner to feel empathy towards you or want your partner to not misconstrue any kind of emotional display as "a conflict?" Why do we have to spend time telling our partners how to empathize and support us? I should add that I think it's equally important to support your avoidant partners, too. I just wish there were way more resources out their that supported APs this way! I actually feel that it's the opposite; there are more resources for APs than DAs. I think this is because ex-APs (now secure) are usually the ones writing articles about attachment styles so the focus is on finding secure people and learning to soothe oneself. Could you share the article you found? I agree with Learningalongtheway. The articles I see are resources for the APs, written by APs who have been in relationships with avoidants. A lot of articles/books seem to say "avoid or leave the avoidant" (a not so subtle message). Even in the DA forum here, I see DAs "blamed" and called "jerks" much more than APs for relationship failure. Both sides will have to work to make the relationship work, I agree. I just see the DA "villianized" much more than the AP. I guess it's a matter of perspective. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 12, 2017 0:19:04 GMT
The book Attached is really good and in it....the author states that both APs and DAs do best in relationships with secures.
Mary, I agree with you....I see a lot of well intentioned APs speaking on behalf of DAs from stuff that they read. I am grateful that you are here and can speak to your experiences.....it really helps to hear the other side of the coin.
My ex is a good man...his childhood stunk.....it left him with some "issues" just like my childhood did with me. He is not his attachment style and I love and accept him for who he is as he is right now.
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