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Post by seeking on Mar 1, 2020 5:40:56 GMT
In a nutshell, I've really only been in LTRs with avoidant men, abusive men, borderline narcissistic men.
If I meet someone who pursues me, I become avoidant.
If I meet someone who is too "easy" to like me, I lose interest.
If I meet someone just the right amount of avoidant, I feel "compelled" (and also a bit devastated).
I'm willing to do work, whatever it takes. But I'm confused b/c I've definitely been VERY anxious and have pursued people when they are avoidant, but can be very avoidant myself depending on the dynamic, and clearly being most comfortable with emotionally unavailable people I am avoidant, right?
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Post by alexandra on Mar 1, 2020 6:07:52 GMT
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Post by seeking on Mar 1, 2020 15:16:04 GMT
On the diane poole heller one, I got secure. Which is interesting. I don't think I ever was this way - it might be more recent with all the work I've done.
The other one felt more accurate and makes sense that it's different in different relationships. I thought, as a child, I have very disorganized attachment - but it said overall I'm preoccupied. So okay.
Relationship Domain Your Attachment Style
General Preoccupied
Mother Secure
Father Fearful-avoidant
Romantic Preoccupied
Friend Secure
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Post by alexandra on Mar 1, 2020 17:18:12 GMT
seeking, what was your secure percentage? Under ~60% isn't primary secure. My guess from your first post was you're AP or possibly anxious-leaning FA. The other test says primarily AP in general and romantic relationships, so that's likely what you're dealing with in dating. If you're secure with your mom and FA with your dad, you're probably projecting traits from your relationship with your dad onto dating and choosing similar partners to him to attempt to "correct" the damaged little kid behind that relationship. Yes, I read your other post, and assume that man has some type of insecure attachment style, so if you're serious about fixing this, you should proceed with caution with him if at all.
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Post by seeking on Mar 2, 2020 0:17:16 GMT
Alexandra - do you mean that he is on the spectrum of insecure, we just don't know what - could be dismissive, preccoupied, avoidant/anxious, etc?
I have worked on this but I know myself and I know I need something with a little bit of that push pull otherwise, I lose interest, and it doesn't last. I wonder if there's a healthy range of that. Like both partners are aware of the pattern but can live with it.
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Post by Dualcitizen on Mar 2, 2020 1:54:59 GMT
Alexandra - do you mean that he is on the spectrum of insecure, we just don't know what - could be dismissive, preccoupied, avoidant/anxious, etc? I have worked on this but I know myself and I know I need something with a little bit of that push pull otherwise, I lose interest, and it doesn't last. I wonder if there's a healthy range of that. Like both partners are aware of the pattern but can live with it. Well your date does sound a little like an "avoidant" of some type potentially. To be that pensive up front, I personally did not have that experience, I was whirlwinded with a lot of passion initially, but then a withdrawal (with a lot of red flags in between of low self worth, and some distancing behaviour) Push-pull is not regarded as "healthy behaviour", I've seen it once, I can guarantee it will never EVER happen to me again, remotely. I wont be caring about the excuses or circumstances. It's literal intermittent reinforcement, and the person that performed it, has been emotionally and physically abused by her father, 100% confirmed by herself, enough said. Healthy is expressing your feelings, emotions and desires to someones face in a centred loving fashion, and being mindful how you say it, that is the only path to a good outcome. |
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Post by seeking on Mar 2, 2020 23:32:44 GMT
DualCitizen, I get what you are saying, and I've had that kind of relationship before - it was with a narcissist. This man isn't a narcissist. He's not toxic. He's just "damaged" from being traumatized, and I think he's self-aware and would be willing to work on things - which is key; if not, then it wouldn't work.
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