aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 12, 2020 21:37:10 GMT
Sorry, I still don't know how to use this forum properly. Here is my response. I would not wait much longer and contact her now, I would not be light hearted, because that would be mocking the seriousness of this. But I get a sense you are not very secure and that maybe some f your self preservation behaviors are sabotaging the possible best outcome. In that case I would really articulate to myself why I want her back (not because she left and you feel abandoned), but really the list of why you want her back and how I would change myself to be better. Offer to go to couples counselling etc. Be the man so to speak, take charge of how you will improve the relationship. No light hearted texts three months from now. Don't be chicken. Well, I had just apologized and said I miss her, and that letter had some hints on what I would differently next time. The letter I wrote was intense for me, and I assume might be for her too. If I write another intense letter soon, I am worried that could push her away more as a FA. In any case, I have started writing a letter about what I changes I would make. A lot of people suggest that space or not contacting an ex can be best for getting an ex back, but I guess it's different if you have specific changes you could make to win back a FA? |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 13, 2020 4:51:06 GMT
Sorry, I still don't know how to use this forum properly. Here is my response. I would not wait much longer and contact her now, I would not be light hearted, because that would be mocking the seriousness of this. But I get a sense you are not very secure and that maybe some f your self preservation behaviors are sabotaging the possible best outcome. In that case I would really articulate to myself why I want her back (not because she left and you feel abandoned), but really the list of why you want her back and how I would change myself to be better. Offer to go to couples counselling etc. Be the man so to speak, take charge of how you will improve the relationship. No light hearted texts three months from now. Don't be chicken. Well, I had just apologized and said I miss her, and that letter had some hints on what I would differently next time. The letter I wrote was intense for me, and I assume might be for her too. If I write another intense letter soon, I am worried that could push her away more as a FA. In any case, I have started writing a letter about what I changes I would make. A lot of people suggest that space or not contacting an ex can be best for getting an ex back, but I guess it's different if you have specific changes you could make to win back a FA? I think Annie is making a suggestion....that does not mean that by writing her a letter, she will come back. And I think the most important take away from what Annie says above is own your stuff. Don’t simply say...I will change because you think that is what will win her back...actually apply those changes going forward with any relationship. |
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aguy
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Posts: 23
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Post by aguy on Mar 13, 2020 5:47:08 GMT
Well, I had just apologized and said I miss her, and that letter had some hints on what I would differently next time. The letter I wrote was intense for me, and I assume might be for her too. If I write another intense letter soon, I am worried that could push her away more as a FA. In any case, I have started writing a letter about what I changes I would make. A lot of people suggest that space or not contacting an ex can be best for getting an ex back, but I guess it's different if you have specific changes you could make to win back a FA? I think Annie is making a suggestion....that does not mean that by writing her a letter, she will come back. And I think the most important take away from what Annie says above is own your stuff. Don’t simply say...I will change because you think that is what will win her back...actually apply those changes going forward with any relationship. I know there is a high chance she won't come back no matter what I do. The question is whether it's better to send a letter soon with changes I would make. Of course I shouldn't overpromise and seem too desperate or paint myself into a corner if we do get back together. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 13, 2020 11:32:27 GMT
I think Annie is making a suggestion....that does not mean that by writing her a letter, she will come back. And I think the most important take away from what Annie says above is own your stuff. Don’t simply say...I will change because you think that is what will win her back...actually apply those changes going forward with any relationship. I know there is a high chance she won't come back no matter what I do. The question is whether it's better to send a letter soon with changes I would make. Of course I shouldn't overpromise and seem too desperate or paint myself into a corner if we do get back together. I thought you already sent the letter...so now the ball is in her court. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 13, 2020 20:26:00 GMT
I know there is a high chance she won't come back no matter what I do. The question is whether it's better to send a letter soon with changes I would make. Of course I shouldn't overpromise and seem too desperate or paint myself into a corner if we do get back together. I thought you already sent the letter...so now the ball is in her court. I sent a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. Annieb is suggesting that I also send a letter soon that would detail changes I would make to have a better relationship if we get back together. |
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Post by tnr9 on Mar 13, 2020 21:49:42 GMT
I thought you already sent the letter...so now the ball is in her court. I sent a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. Annieb is suggesting that I also send a letter soon that would detail changes I would make to have a better relationship if we get back together. I don’t think she was suggesting that you send a second letter.....I think she was suggestion as part of your original letter that you speak to the specific changes you planned to make as part of your overall apology. I think sending a second letter too soon may come across a bit desperate...but you know this girl better then I do. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Mar 13, 2020 22:21:12 GMT
I sent a letter apologizing and saying that I miss her. Annieb is suggesting that I also send a letter soon that would detail changes I would make to have a better relationship if we get back together. I don’t think she was suggesting that you send a second letter.....I think she was suggestion as part of your original letter that you speak to the specific changes you planned to make as part of your overall apology. I think sending a second letter too soon may come across a bit desperate...but you know this girl better then I do. You're right, it would probably not be best to send another letter shortly after the first letter. I guess it's probably best to try to get over her and not try initiating contact for a little while. I'm wondering whether it would make sense to send a detailed 2nd letter in a month or so, just send something light-hearted then, or wait longer. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Apr 6, 2020 8:23:30 GMT
I ended up sending a message about changes I would make in the future that addressed the things in her breakup letter and some other things, as well as mentioning couple's counselling as a possibility. I'm not sure that was the right thing to do, and am considering just going indefinite no initiated contact now.
However, I'm wondering if there would be any point in telling her about how she is a FA type and I was a DA type. I seem to be different types when I'm single, and am now more of a AP type. Maybe understanding what we both did wrong and how we could fix those problems would help her want to reconnect at some point.
Also, I see that some places suggest sending light-hearted texts, but do those ever work? It seems those are probably just sites that want to sell something to you.
Just to make it clear, I didn't respond to the breakup until an apology letter after 2 months and this new letter now after 3 months. I'd like to hear from her, but it's seeming increasingly unlikely that I will. I think part of the problem is that FAs are probably very distrustful of apologies or promises to change when I am unable to show any actual changes.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 6, 2020 12:50:36 GMT
I ended up sending a message about changes I would make in the future that addressed the things in her breakup letter and some other things, as well as mentioning couple's counselling as a possibility. I'm not sure that was the right thing to do, and am considering just going indefinite no initiated contact now. However, I'm wondering if there would be any point in telling her about how she is a FA type and I was a DA type. I seem to be different types when I'm single, and am now more of a AP type. Maybe understanding what we both did wrong and how we could fix those problems would help her want to reconnect at some point. Also, I see that some places suggest sending light-hearted texts, but do those ever work? It seems those are probably just sites that want to sell something to you. Just to make it clear, I didn't respond to the breakup until an apology letter after 2 months and this new letter now after 3 months. I'd like to hear from her, but it's seeming increasingly unlikely that I will. I think part of the problem is that FAs are probably very distrustful of apologies or promises to change when I am unable to show any actual changes. Honestly...you may also be FA and just leaning more DA at certain times and then AP at certain times. Just something to consider. I don’t believe in telling an ex about attachment theory....1. Because more of the time people do not change unless they want to and 2. It makes it look like you have been analyzing her and that can come across as creepy. Leave that be unless she agrees with seeing a therapist with you. i did the whole easy, light text messages with the guy I was seeing....he did respond positively to them...but only from a friend perspective. At this point, i think focusing on you and what will help you move on should she not respond is the best course...if that means going no contact, then so be it....but when the focus is on winning her back....then it becomes a distraction from the changes you can make for yourself. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Apr 6, 2020 21:18:32 GMT
I would bring it up more to show how I could be more understanding of her. It would allow her to think about how what she did impacted the relationship, but I would let her figure that out herself and I wouldn't expect her to change. She may be open to changing, but I have no idea. I know she is aware that she has some issues like being fearful, depressed, panic attacks, and so on, so I think this would help put it all together for her. Isn't it normal to analyze an ex of 6 years?
I know it would take some time to get back together, so if it just starts off as a friends perspective, that's OK. If light-hearted texts can get a response, I'd try them. But I think there may be a gender difference where ex boyfriends are more likely to respond or come back than ex girlfriends.
Well, I know that there is a trade off between moving on and trying to win her back. I would like to figure out what would be best for getting a response and potentially wining her back between helping her understand what went wrong in terms of attachment, just a light-hearted text, or not initiating contact.
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Post by beyondconfused on Apr 7, 2020 2:38:58 GMT
I would bring it up more to show how I could be more understanding of her. It would allow her to think about how what she did impacted the relationship, but I would let her figure that out herself and I wouldn't expect her to change. She may be open to changing, but I have no idea. I know she is aware that she has some issues like being fearful, depressed, panic attacks, and so on, so I think this would help put it all together for her. Isn't it normal to analyze an ex of 6 years? I know it would take some time to get back together, so if it just starts off as a friends perspective, that's OK. If light-hearted texts can get a response, I'd try them. But I think there may be a gender difference where ex boyfriends are more likely to respond or come back than ex girlfriends. Well, I know that there is a trade off between moving on and trying to win her back. I would like to figure out what would be best for getting a response and potentially wining her back between helping her understand what went wrong in terms of attachment, just a light-hearted text, or not initiating contact. Putting yourself in a friendship light isnt really going to help you get back into a romantic relationship with someone. If you offer friendship to someone, make sure that is what you want. Dont offer friendship as a manipulation tactic to get them back romantically. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 7, 2020 2:54:29 GMT
I would bring it up more to show how I could be more understanding of her. It would allow her to think about how what she did impacted the relationship, but I would let her figure that out herself and I wouldn't expect her to change. She may be open to changing, but I have no idea. I know she is aware that she has some issues like being fearful, depressed, panic attacks, and so on, so I think this would help put it all together for her. Isn't it normal to analyze an ex of 6 years? I know it would take some time to get back together, so if it just starts off as a friends perspective, that's OK. If light-hearted texts can get a response, I'd try them. But I think there may be a gender difference where ex boyfriends are more likely to respond or come back than ex girlfriends. Well, I know that there is a trade off between moving on and trying to win her back. I would like to figure out what would be best for getting a response and potentially wining her back between helping her understand what went wrong in terms of attachment, just a light-hearted text, or not initiating contact. I think that tactic will backfire....the whole...I know you are FA and I have done a lot of reading so that I understand what a person who has FA needs. It seems right now your mindset is win her back. Have you addressed with her your desire to be back in a romantic relationship? What has been her response to it? The only reason to be a friend is if you can just be a friend..otherwise, it is best to not even dabble in that space. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Apr 7, 2020 3:50:50 GMT
I sent her a message about what I would change. I hope that wasn't a mistake. She hasn't responded.
I wouldn't pretend to be just friends or something. I'm just wondering if there is any point in trying a light-hearted text to see if we can start talking again.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 7, 2020 4:30:29 GMT
I sent her a message about what I would change. I hope that wasn't a mistake. She hasn't responded. I wouldn't pretend to be just friends or something. I'm just wondering if there is any point in trying a light-hearted text to see if we can start talking again. It wasn’t a mistake if you felt it was the right course of action for you. As far as her not responding....how long has it been? if she has not responded to your email...I don’t think it is a good idea to follow up with a light hearted text...what if she again does not respond? How would you feel. |
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aguy
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Post by aguy on Apr 7, 2020 4:42:44 GMT
It's only been a few days since I sent the 2nd email. It's that I see now that a lot of sites advise against initiating contact with such a serious message. Of course I wouldn't send a light-hearted text for a few weeks if I did send it.
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