Triggered

I'm feeling triggered lately. I have more going on than I care to share. It's WAY too much and much of it seems (or feels) out of my control. I feel like I lack support.

When I'm a bit more resourced, I feel like I can connect with others. But this is a time when I feel like others can really trigger me.

I'm a single mom, been in litigation with daughter's father for a year now. He's abusive and so is his GF; they basically tried to ruin me. I now have my former lawyer chasing after me for money after he made really bad decisions and then fired me as his client. The stress of that is enormous. I had something show up on my mammogram Thursday. Have eye infections, daughter is on the autism spectrum and has bad allergies. I commute 2 hours a day to her school. I moved out of a super moldy house in January and left behind *everything* we owned. Had to replace all of it in hopes that her chronic pain and sickness would get better (it has in many ways, thankfully). I get no child support. My daughter is with me most of the time. And I hold space for people all day long (my job is a trauma practitioner). I tried keeping my work day to 3 days a week but I got more clients, need the money, and now I have no time off. Yesterday my phone broke and I had to go out and get a new one and the minute I activated it, my daughter's school left an urgent message to come get her. And the school closed. 

I mentioned that I am dating someone new. He's been traveling the past two weeks. At this point, I don't know what end is up. I have to tell my clients my daughter will be here when they come for their sessions. Fortunately, I see most people over Skype. 

I'm so bewildered and stricken with PTSD right now, I don't even know where to begin. I can't afford my own therapy or self-care. And while most of the time, I hold it together, there are times when I feel so utterly triggered by things like this morning - my mom called and she knew yesterday all that was going on - instead of saying, "How are you holding up?" And really reflecting concern or care, she says "How's ____" my daughter. I flipped out. I don't know my mom's attachment style, but she is definitely pretty avoidant. 

My friend texted about being sick. Kind of disregarded me telling him about my phone dying and my daughter's school closing. And when I told him about the mammogram, he was like "Did you have that happen before?" -- is that just me? It would, instead, have been nice to get a "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Not what you need right now. I hope everything's okay."

Then tonight, the guy I'm seeing who is away (and we mostly text to stay in touch every day or every other day) sends a pic of a glass of wine and writes "dinner" - like I don't know what to say to that. I feel like I'm in crises. I didn't respond because if you want me to be your audience/witness, I don't have it in me right now. 

I have no relationship with my father b/c he's a narcissist. Many of my friends are moms and have their own stuff going on or totally can't relate to me (b/c they have lots of family support or husbands, etc) ...

And my sister is very wrapped up in herself despite having the most supportive/provider-type husband, not working, etc. 

I just feel like I'm silently suffering in side and all I would LOVE is for a witness. Someone to see me, hear me, reflect my reality. Does that exist? Or is that just called a therapist?