|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 23, 2020 12:52:30 GMT
Nothing of substance here, but I’m just so frustrated at still being AP. I hate that it comes out so annoyingly with relationships and work. I see the signs so strongly. Some days are so much better and I feel level-headed. Some days I can talk myself out of a trigger pretty well, and then there are days when I get triggered and confused. In the top heat of those triggers, I can’t tell what’s rational and what’s just my AP sounding off. Anyways, I guess I’m the most frustrated that with both scenarios (work and romantic relationships) I’m still having a hard time communicating. I let things build up then I get frustrated. I know what I’m suppose to do (communicate!) but I spend a lot of time ruminating over if it’s the right way or time, then time passes which is where the build up happens. Right now the build up isn’t even that huge, but I’m just frustrated with myself. Me. Why can’t I communicate?! It drives me crazy. How can I say I’m unhappy about something when I haven’t even communicated about it? And it scares me how much I’m like this with these two things. There are so important. I just want to jump to secure! I can see this ruining my relationship with the FA and my work trajectory if I never get what is rightfully owed. Or maybe I’m just being impatient?! This is what I hate - not being able to tell the difference. Or when to speak up. Or what exact wording. Hey Caroline.....I completely understand....I really, really do....and I know you are just venting here. Do you have any secure friends you can ask...what would you do in this situation? Don’t beat yourself up, that is just repeating a pattern from your childhood that unfortunately you did learn...instead, be curious, why am I ruminating? What is it that I am afraid of or desire. Also, remember that you are half of an insecure couple....what is he doing about his FA? I found it so challenging to focus on myself when I was dating. Also, have you talked to your doctor to see if there are any underlying medical issues....low serotonin, hormone imbalance...worth checking. Hugs. |
|
|
|
Post by toorational on Mar 23, 2020 13:03:29 GMT
I just want to jump to secure! I can see this ruining my relationship with the FA and my work trajectory if I never get what is rightfully owed. I can so relate! Yes absolutely, asserting yourself and acting more secure can ruin your relationship with your FA. Only you can decide if you have reached a point where you'd rather have no relationship than an unfulfilling relationship. There's also a third possibility but I'm not getting my own hopes up too high about it though: acting secure could actually get your FA/DA partner to respect you more and your relationship could be improved instead of being ruined.
Best of luck, we're all in this together.
|
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 23, 2020 16:13:12 GMT
Nothing of substance here, but I’m just so frustrated at still being AP. I hate that it comes out so annoyingly with relationships and work. I see the signs so strongly. Some days are so much better and I feel level-headed. Some days I can talk myself out of a trigger pretty well, and then there are days when I get triggered and confused. In the top heat of those triggers, I can’t tell what’s rational and what’s just my AP sounding off. Anyways, I guess I’m the most frustrated that with both scenarios (work and romantic relationships) I’m still having a hard time communicating. I let things build up then I get frustrated. I know what I’m suppose to do (communicate!) but I spend a lot of time ruminating over if it’s the right way or time, then time passes which is where the build up happens. Right now the build up isn’t even that huge, but I’m just frustrated with myself. Me. Why can’t I communicate?! It drives me crazy. How can I say I’m unhappy about something when I haven’t even communicated about it? And it scares me how much I’m like this with these two things. There are so important. I just want to jump to secure! I can see this ruining my relationship with the FA and my work trajectory if I never get what is rightfully owed. Or maybe I’m just being impatient?! This is what I hate - not being able to tell the difference. Or when to speak up. Or what exact wording. Just another consideration....but if you were secure...you might find that it doesn’t change the dynamics with him....that you would still be frustrated because he hasn’t changed. |
|
|
|
Post by iz42 on Mar 24, 2020 3:53:42 GMT
Hey Caroline.....I completely understand....I really, really do....and I know you are just venting here. Do you have any secure friends you can ask...what would you do in this situation? Don’t beat yourself up, that is just repeating a pattern from your childhood that unfortunately you did learn...instead, be curious, why am I ruminating? What is it that I am afraid of or desire. Also, remember that you are half of an insecure couple....what is he doing about his FA? I found it so challenging to focus on myself when I was dating. Also, have you talked to your doctor to see if there are any underlying medical issues....low serotonin, hormone imbalance...worth checking. Hugs. Thanks! <3 I have talked to secure friends about the situations I'm in... they all say communicate — which I know I need to do but that's why I'm frustrated with myself, because it's so hard for me sometimes. I guess it's one of those things where you just have to do it. It may not be perfect, but just some action is better than none. But yeh, it wasn't taught to me at an early age or any age! I've been trying to take a hard look at me... what is my part in these situations (work and with FA), and how can I improve... because at the end of the day, that's all I can control. I'm just frustrated at myself. That's what it comes down too. As for the doctor, yeh, I've been down those paths for years. I've been on antidepressants and always have my thyroids checked frequently. Despite all of the physical stuff and therapy, I didn't start really making emotional progress until I learned about attachment and AP-ness, so I've been trying to focus — but sometimes, I just get frustrated... and venting helps. I did communicate directly to my boss this morning, so I guess that's step 1 I suppose and some progress. With FA, it's hard to know how to proceed with the whole virus lockdown and combined with his natural avoidance. But the reality, is we just need to decide together what's best — do we see each other or not — and that requires communicating, and I've been unsure how to bring it up (hints part of my frustration). It's like I know what to do in these situations, but communicating is so hard — even though I'm always like "PEOPLE SHOULD COMMUNICATE" (even said multiple times to FA!!)— it's quite contradictory. Thanks for listening and your support. I hear what you're saying but it also sounds like you're beating yourself up. Try to be kind to yourself. You're working really hard! Why is it your job to bring up the issue of whether you see each other or not? Shouldn't he pull at least some of the weight with communication? |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Mar 24, 2020 10:40:50 GMT
Thanks! <3 I have talked to secure friends about the situations I'm in... they all say communicate — which I know I need to do but that's why I'm frustrated with myself, because it's so hard for me sometimes. I guess it's one of those things where you just have to do it. It may not be perfect, but just some action is better than none. But yeh, it wasn't taught to me at an early age or any age! I've been trying to take a hard look at me... what is my part in these situations (work and with FA), and how can I improve... because at the end of the day, that's all I can control. I'm just frustrated at myself. That's what it comes down too. As for the doctor, yeh, I've been down those paths for years. I've been on antidepressants and always have my thyroids checked frequently. Despite all of the physical stuff and therapy, I didn't start really making emotional progress until I learned about attachment and AP-ness, so I've been trying to focus — but sometimes, I just get frustrated... and venting helps. I did communicate directly to my boss this morning, so I guess that's step 1 I suppose and some progress. With FA, it's hard to know how to proceed with the whole virus lockdown and combined with his natural avoidance. But the reality, is we just need to decide together what's best — do we see each other or not — and that requires communicating, and I've been unsure how to bring it up (hints part of my frustration). It's like I know what to do in these situations, but communicating is so hard — even though I'm always like "PEOPLE SHOULD COMMUNICATE" (even said multiple times to FA!!)— it's quite contradictory. Thanks for listening and your support. I hear what you're saying but it also sounds like you're beating yourself up. Try to be kind to yourself. You're working really hard! Why is it your job to bring up the issue of whether you see each other or not? Shouldn't he pull at least some of the weight with communication? I agree with this....why does he get to be “me” focused and you have to be “him and then you“ focused. That used to drive me crazy...I was sooo attentive to what I thought B wanted/needed and yet...,he never ever said to me...are things ok? He hated talking about the relationship, he thought that if it was meant to be, it would just feel right. |
|
|
|
Post by serenity on Mar 26, 2020 8:02:01 GMT
I really like what Ocarina said about this in a recent post, about sometimes you hold back communicating because you know the rejection and withdrawral by your partner will hurt, and that you know its likely to happen based on history.
Just IMO, its better to learn to communicate needs in relationships with responsive people, with a lot of empathy. Avoidants will make you feel ignored and shut down, which just exacerbates your fears about communication.
|
|
|
|
Post by nyc718 on Apr 4, 2020 0:36:14 GMT
I completely understand, feel like I know why im this way, I know what I need to do and I know why I need to do it, but I continue to be triggered its like my predisposition to be AP is constantly being ignited. Sometimes I can manage other times it tears me apart. im so tired of fighting it, over and over I have improved in terms of stopping the behaviour better, but it doesn't stop the feelings. I also understand not knowing what is AP and whats just love, kindness,hurt, heartbreak (all normal emotions, reactions or parts of my personality) its confusing and hard for others to understand. This is what makes 'communicating' so hard, even with secure people because they find it hard to understand or get sick and tired of hearing it because as I said its the same thing over and over again (for years) and I don't want to burden people anymore with it. Also really hard to 'communicate' needs to attachment figure when there is a huge risk of abandonment, especially when they don't realise that they play that role in your life. And telling them they play this role may mean they abandon you too. Its so hard. Please don't punish yourself, I do it too but you are not alone in it, getting through all of this on a daily basis means we are strong and pretty resilient. Plus we are trying to tackle/change behaviour and ways of being that have been there from childhood. I only started really learning and trying to change when I turned 30 , so thats a 30 years of doing/feeling the same thing which is not going to happen overnight...keep going  Thank you! I relate to all of that so much! I’m in my mid 30s, so even longer! But these old ways just aren’t working for me anymore... not that they ever were. I so hear you on knowing / feeling love when the APness has stepped aside... it’s so calm. I had a pretty big anxiety meltdown this past weekend but feeling much better having gotten it out. It was about everything, but on the FA front, things have been better but there are two behaviors that just really trigger me a lot. (One is a non issue since we can’t see each now because of the pandemic.) I got triggered by the other one on Saturday and I’m just now calming down about it. I actually got mad this time, which was newer for me. I don’t think he means harm and he has no idea I even know but it really triggers the whole AP comparison / not good enough stuff. I want to just work through the trigger here and feelings behind on my own, but it’s so hard how strong they come up. I truly don't think you can heal from AP as long as you are still in a relationship with someone who brings that out in you, and isn't working on themselves and seeing how their patterns trigger you. I'm sorry, it's a losing game. It's truly the definition of getting the same outcome because you aren't doing anything different. I don't mean to come off as harsh, but really, it's continual self sabotage and asking for something that you won't get because you aren't with someone else who is healthy or trying to be. It's one-sided and will remain so, to your own detriment. |
|
