Therapy is going well...and I have found myself less clenched recently...still not completely through it, but getting better.
i have also come to realize that my mom has really tight boundaries...those are hers and I am not responsible for them. She and I will never have a close relationship, which is sad, but....it frees me to stop trying to please her or feel like I am to blame. I just work around them to the best of my ability and try not to take her agitations personally.
iam beginning to see B and my mom with shades of gray versus viewing them as completely white and me as completely black. I feel less responsible towards my mom and thus less responsible towards B. I am finally on a path of realizing that the issues that B expressed while with me are likely still there and as much as loved his sense of humor, his attractiveness, his protectiveness and other traits, his shutting down, his use of alcohol, his dislike of talking about the relationship and other traits are not aspects that simply go away. Perhaps his new gf can handle it differently....but still....he isn’t healed as the stories in my head wanted me to believe. I am keeping in no contact and so far it has really helped.
Thanks for the update trn9 <3 I don't know if I say this often enough, but I think you're a really wonderful, intelligent, and caring person. I really hope you find a man to really love you as much as you deserve.
Its hard growing up with a difficult parent or parents. You learn so many coping mechanisms to survive, some good, some you can let go of in adulthood, when you finally realise the power you have over your life. I'm happy to hear you slowly reversing the self blame that became part of your survival. Its hard work when its part of your conditioning for decades; you're a trooper!