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Post by confusednyc on Mar 31, 2020 3:06:58 GMT
I sure could use some support. I posted my story awhile back, but the more read everyone else’s, the more I realize the details of mine don’t matter. Sadly, the throughlines are the same in our stories... variations of the same theme.
Anyway, a couple months ago, I asked my FA that we not contact one another for one month. I told him if he attempted to, I wouldn’t reply. This was after a year of hot and cold and when confronted, he said he just wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he thought we were just trying to be friends for now. I told him if he didn’t know what he wanted/wasn’t ready after a year, then he wasn’t ever going to know. I also told him calling us friends wasn’t honest, as we were affectionate, cuddled and slept over, through we stopped having sex for what he claimed were religious reasons.
Well, he insisted we not take time apart and said he wouldn’t be able to not reach out. We had tried no contact before, but neither of us could do it for more than a few days.
He ended up texting me the next day and then three more times that month. I stayed strong. Then he left flowers for me and a note. I ignored. BUT then on the 30th day, we ran into each other and the cycle began again. He cried and said he started therapy because he realIzed he was losing out on me and even close relationships with other men as friends. I was impressed.
So here I am, confused and anxious. I thought I could handle it this time — not take it personally and be patient. But I’m clearly not wired that way. He seems to make time for everyone except me. He has very low self worth and only hangs out with losers (addicts and adults without jobs or ambition). He told me he was a loser and always hung out with losers his whole life. I confronted him on why he seems eager to be around everyone but me. He said he needed to just limit our time together.
So I began limiting my contact with him. He freaked out and started asking me what he did wrong. I just sent cordial texts. Then I ran into him. Ugh. Told him the situation was too confusing and hurtful to me. I told him just because he told himself we are just friends doesn’t make it true. I said we are getting closer with the pillow talk and cuddling and sleepovers regardless of the label. To his credit, he agreed.!I asked him that we take the summer apart so we just work on ourselves and we could be friends after. He said he didn’t want that. He said if he agreed, then I would date other men and he didn’t want that even though it’s unfair of him to feel that way. Asked to see me the next day to discuss. I acquiesced. But when the time came, he said was held up at work and could we reschedule. I haven’t replied.
I really want to find the strength to stick to my summer apart. I know I can get over him by then. I could use some words of encouragement.
But aside from all that, I would love help understanding this so as to not take it all so personally:
1. He seems to actively avoid spending time with me beyond once a week. And he is known for helping everyone in the neighborhood out, but he never extends it to me. Is this conscious?
2. Can someone explain how much of the FAs behavior is conscious? Do they even realize they’re avoiding and all?
3. He is 49 and been single for 12 years. Is not promiscuous. Only in three serious relationships — one with a cheater/addiction, the second wit an addict and the last was abusive and had mental health issues. All relationships were sexless. So I am far from perfect, but I am none of those things and sexually healthy and he has acknowledged this, but he won’t be in a relationship with me? He is a mess — depression, anxiety, adhd, physical ailments, can’t pay bills... and has said I’m too good for him. And like I said, all his friends are losers. It hurts my feelings that he committed to difficult women and chooses to spend time with unsavory friends and never makes time for me.
4. He is in therapy and pretty self-aware. He’s admitted he has intimacy issues and so on, but would it be safe to say the road ahead even with therapy is long and uncertain. He is already 50.
Please wish me luck in moving on. He is so kind and when we do hang out, it’s special.. And he is able to have emotional conversations more so than other FAs described on this site so it gives me hope where I probably shouldn’t have any, But when apart, it’s as if I don’t exist to him. He doesn’t want to go out and only plans to see me once a week for dinner at his place and cuddling. And I will say when I held strong that month, within a week two, it was less painful to be out of contact with him than it was to deal with the inconsistent and disappointing erratic communications with him...
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Post by nyc718 on Mar 31, 2020 3:24:41 GMT
I sure could use some support. I posted my story awhile back, but the more read everyone else’s, the more I realize the details of mine don’t matter. Sadly, the throughlines are the same in our stories... variations of the same theme. Anyway, a couple months ago, I asked my FA that we not contact one another for one month. I told him if he attempted to, I wouldn’t reply. This was after a year of hot and cold and when confronted, he said he just wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he thought we were just trying to be friends for now. I told him if he didn’t know what he wanted/wasn’t ready after a year, then he wasn’t ever going to know. I also told him calling us friends wasn’t honest, as we were affectionate, cuddled and slept over, through we stopped having sex for what he claimed were religious reasons. Well, he insisted we not take time apart and said he wouldn’t be able to not reach out. We had tried no contact before, but neither of us could do it for more than a few days. He ended up texting me the next day and then three more times that month. I stayed strong. Then he left flowers for me and a note. I ignored. BUT then on the 30th day, we ran into each other and the cycle began again. He cried and said he started therapy because he realIzed he was losing out on me and even close relationships with other men as friends. I was impressed. So here I am, confused and anxious. I thought I could handle it this time — not take it personally and be patient. But I’m clearly not wired that way. He seems to make time for everyone except me. He has very low self worth and only hangs out with losers (addicts and adults without jobs or ambition). He told me he was a loser and always hung out with losers his whole life. I confronted him on why he seems eager to be around everyone but me. He said he needed to just limit our time together. So I began limiting my contact with him. He freaked out and started asking me what he did wrong. I just sent cordial texts. Then I ran into him. Ugh. Told him the situation was too confusing and hurtful to me. I told him just because he told himself we are just friends doesn’t make it true. I said we are getting closer with the pillow talk and cuddling and sleepovers regardless of the label. To his credit, he agreed.!I asked him that we take the summer apart so we just work on ourselves and we could be friends after. He said he didn’t want that. He said if he agreed, then I would date other men and he didn’t want that even though it’s unfair of him to feel that way. Asked to see me the next day to discuss. I acquiesced. But when the time came, he said was held up at work and could we reschedule. I haven’t replied. I really want to find the strength to stick to my summer apart. I know I can get over him by then. I could use some words of encouragement. But aside from all that, I would love help understanding this so as to not take it all so personally: 1. He seems to actively avoid spending time with me beyond once a week. And he is known for helping everyone in the neighborhood out, but he never extends it to me. Is this conscious? 2. Can someone explain how much of the FAs behavior is conscious? Do they even realize they’re avoiding and all? 3. He is 49 and been single for 12 years. Is not promiscuous. Only in three serious relationships — one with a cheater/addiction, the second wit an addict and the last was abusive and had mental health issues. All relationships were sexless. So I am far from perfect, but I am none of those things and sexually healthy and he has acknowledged this, but he won’t be in a relationship with me? He is a mess — depression, anxiety, adhd, physical ailments, can’t pay bills... and has said I’m too good for him. And like I said, all his friends are losers. It hurts my feelings that he committed to difficult women and chooses to spend time with unsavory friends and never makes time for me. 4. He is in therapy and pretty self-aware. He’s admitted he has intimacy issues and so on, but would it be safe to say the road ahead even with therapy is long and uncertain. He is already 50. Please wish me luck in moving on. He is so kind and when we do hang out, it’s special.. And he is able to have emotional conversations more so than other FAs described on this site so it gives me hope where I probably shouldn’t have any, But when apart, it’s as if I don’t exist to him. He doesn’t want to go out and only plans to see me once a week for dinner at his place and cuddling. And I will say when I held strong that month, within a week two, it was less painful to be out of contact with him than it was to deal with the inconsistent and disappointing erratic communications with him... Stay away while you're not so attached. He may be aware, but he has to do the actual work, which would take some in-depth digging into his past, recognizing his patterns, behaviors, triggers, examining his thoughts, being aware of his thoughts and triggers, healing his inner wounds and working on all of this over a period of time. You may share some nice moments now, but he is absolutely not equipped for a healthy relationship, bottom line. You can't fix him. |
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Post by confusednyc on Mar 31, 2020 13:29:16 GMT
I sure could use some support. I posted my story awhile back, but the more read everyone else’s, the more I realize the details of mine don’t matter. Sadly, the throughlines are the same in our stories... variations of the same theme. Anyway, a couple months ago, I asked my FA that we not contact one another for one month. I told him if he attempted to, I wouldn’t reply. This was after a year of hot and cold and when confronted, he said he just wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he thought we were just trying to be friends for now. I told him if he didn’t know what he wanted/wasn’t ready after a year, then he wasn’t ever going to know. I also told him calling us friends wasn’t honest, as we were affectionate, cuddled and slept over, through we stopped having sex for what he claimed were religious reasons. Well, he insisted we not take time apart and said he wouldn’t be able to not reach out. We had tried no contact before, but neither of us could do it for more than a few days. He ended up texting me the next day and then three more times that month. I stayed strong. Then he left flowers for me and a note. I ignored. BUT then on the 30th day, we ran into each other and the cycle began again. He cried and said he started therapy because he realIzed he was losing out on me and even close relationships with other men as friends. I was impressed. So here I am, confused and anxious. I thought I could handle it this time — not take it personally and be patient. But I’m clearly not wired that way. He seems to make time for everyone except me. He has very low self worth and only hangs out with losers (addicts and adults without jobs or ambition). He told me he was a loser and always hung out with losers his whole life. I confronted him on why he seems eager to be around everyone but me. He said he needed to just limit our time together. So I began limiting my contact with him. He freaked out and started asking me what he did wrong. I just sent cordial texts. Then I ran into him. Ugh. Told him the situation was too confusing and hurtful to me. I told him just because he told himself we are just friends doesn’t make it true. I said we are getting closer with the pillow talk and cuddling and sleepovers regardless of the label. To his credit, he agreed.!I asked him that we take the summer apart so we just work on ourselves and we could be friends after. He said he didn’t want that. He said if he agreed, then I would date other men and he didn’t want that even though it’s unfair of him to feel that way. Asked to see me the next day to discuss. I acquiesced. But when the time came, he said was held up at work and could we reschedule. I haven’t replied. I really want to find the strength to stick to my summer apart. I know I can get over him by then. I could use some words of encouragement. But aside from all that, I would love help understanding this so as to not take it all so personally: 1. He seems to actively avoid spending time with me beyond once a week. And he is known for helping everyone in the neighborhood out, but he never extends it to me. Is this conscious? 2. Can someone explain how much of the FAs behavior is conscious? Do they even realize they’re avoiding and all? 3. He is 49 and been single for 12 years. Is not promiscuous. Only in three serious relationships — one with a cheater/addiction, the second wit an addict and the last was abusive and had mental health issues. All relationships were sexless. So I am far from perfect, but I am none of those things and sexually healthy and he has acknowledged this, but he won’t be in a relationship with me? He is a mess — depression, anxiety, adhd, physical ailments, can’t pay bills... and has said I’m too good for him. And like I said, all his friends are losers. It hurts my feelings that he committed to difficult women and chooses to spend time with unsavory friends and never makes time for me. 4. He is in therapy and pretty self-aware. He’s admitted he has intimacy issues and so on, but would it be safe to say the road ahead even with therapy is long and uncertain. He is already 50. Please wish me luck in moving on. He is so kind and when we do hang out, it’s special.. And he is able to have emotional conversations more so than other FAs described on this site so it gives me hope where I probably shouldn’t have any, But when apart, it’s as if I don’t exist to him. He doesn’t want to go out and only plans to see me once a week for dinner at his place and cuddling. And I will say when I held strong that month, within a week two, it was less painful to be out of contact with him than it was to deal with the inconsistent and disappointing erratic communications with him... Stay away while you're not so attached. He may be aware, but he has to do the actual work, which would take some in-depth digging into his past, recognizing his patterns, behaviors, triggers, examining his thoughts, being aware of his thoughts and triggers, healing his inner wounds and working on all of this over a period of time. You may share some nice moments now, but he is absolutely not equipped for a healthy relationship, bottom line. You can't fix him. Thanks so much, NYC212. You are right. I am sadly already so attached. He acknowledged that the description of FAs sounded like him and I guess I hold on to the fact that he does have some awareness and is able to discuss these things without shutting down (when we first met, he would completely shutdown and disappear for a few days)... so I tend to focus on the positives even when the “negatives” far outweighs them. The hardest part for me is not taking it personally. I just see how he is with his friends and finding time with them and helping them and not with me. He limits his time with me and even once told me he was trying to keep a safe distance for now. I get down about it wondering why he doesn’t want to spend more time with a woman he described as the “most amazing woman he’s ever known.” And I am an introvert and prefer most of my time alone with my dogs, but I do wish that by now we were spending more than one sexless (Lol!) evening a week together. It feeds into my insecurities so much which is why I have to cut him off. I’m in therapy (have been for years) and am pretty good about staying busy and focused on my own life. And I don’t text him unless he initiates, etc. While I think I’ve come to outwardly handle things with him healthily, it still pains me internally so I have to move. I’m clearly not wired to be with someone like this. |
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Post by nyc718 on Mar 31, 2020 16:16:04 GMT
Stay away while you're not so attached. He may be aware, but he has to do the actual work, which would take some in-depth digging into his past, recognizing his patterns, behaviors, triggers, examining his thoughts, being aware of his thoughts and triggers, healing his inner wounds and working on all of this over a period of time. You may share some nice moments now, but he is absolutely not equipped for a healthy relationship, bottom line. You can't fix him. Thanks so much, NYC212. You are right. I am sadly already so attached. He acknowledged that the description of FAs sounded like him and I guess I hold on to the fact that he does have some awareness and is able to discuss these things without shutting down (when we first met, he would completely shutdown and disappear for a few days)... so I tend to focus on the positives even when the “negatives” far outweighs them. The hardest part for me is not taking it personally. I just see how he is with his friends and finding time with them and helping them and not with me. He limits his time with me and even once told me he was trying to keep a safe distance for now. I get down about it wondering why he doesn’t want to spend more time with a woman he described as the “most amazing woman he’s ever known.” And I am an introvert and prefer most of my time alone with my dogs, but I do wish that by now we were spending more than one sexless (Lol!) evening a week together. It feeds into my insecurities so much which is why I have to cut him off. I’m in therapy (have been for years) and am pretty good about staying busy and focused on my own life. And I don’t text him unless he initiates, etc. While I think I’ve come to outwardly handle things with him healthily, it still pains me internally so I have to move. I’m clearly not wired to be with someone like this. Think about what you just said though; you're the most amazing woman, yet he can't make time for you and you're in a sexless relationship where you barely see him, yet he has no problem making time for all those other people. What would you say to a friend you cared about who described their relationship like that? You'd tell them this man brings nothing to the table that's healthy. I understand attachment, trust me, I do, that's why I ended up here myself. But I also have made massive gains in my healing from it all. I also did therapy for years and I started to do energy therapy, reiki in particular, and the amount of change that came about from that has me no longer doing talk therapy, which no longer served me. Reiki isn't for everyone, but I'd recommend trying it at least. I also did hypnotherapy and qi gong which both helped, not as much as reiki, but it definitely contributed to shifting my mindset and freeing me of old habits and patterns. It is so liberating to not be attached anymore. |
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swtbh
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Post by swtbh on Mar 31, 2020 23:58:25 GMT
On the helping others / who he hangs out with / time for everyone else — My FA partner is like this — he's always trying to help out everyone in the community yet can't ask me directly what's wrong / what I need (yet is supportive in his own ways - well getting better about this). I think a lot of this on the external front has to do with validation. Being liked and having "status" in the community is validation and a boost of self-esteem. Almost like quantity over quality. (not saying some of those people aren't supportive back — but they don't know the "real" him, only on surface level — which for my case, I think the fact I understand him (his words) scares / intimates him). People with low self-esteem tend to seek external sources for validation, and become addicted to it because it's their way of surviving / feeling better. APs do a similar thing with clinging their partner for that validation that they're enough. On the flip side — and why having internal esteem is best — these external sources... especially superficial ones... will fail us, contributing to the bucket on the side of not being good enough. I doubt that it's conscious — the time spent could be as a way to be like "I won't let this person take over my life." That's the engulfment factor. It could also be it's hard for him to open up / etc and your time together takes a lot out of him because intimacy is hard — and that time with others is less intimate. That's very unlikely to be conscious though. Still though as nyc718 said, he has to work on himself — and want to. You can't fix him or do that for him. It's not a failure on you, it's just people can't get better until they're willing to help themselves. As a FA, this really resonates with me. I'm trying to be better to my partner (who leans more into AP but tries very hard to be secure for me) but I think they may feel this way towards me at least sometimes... I really do always try my best to support everyone but when it comes to actually close and intimate relations... I really want to bolt. I started looking into FA attachment when friends pointed out that I'm very secretive and they don't really know anything about me. It's strange thinking about it from the outside because I legitimately don't know why others would want to be close to me anyway. That said, yes, FAs has to work on ourselves. No one can fix us. It's our responsibility to do so. No one has to put up with unsatisfying relationships. I've worked a lot with my partner to work on my fears of intimacy and I try to hold myself responsible for my actions and seriously listen to their concerns. It's always a struggle but if I say that I love someone, I know I need to put in the work to prove it. |
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Post by confusednyc on Apr 1, 2020 1:46:43 GMT
Thanks so much, NYC212. You are right. I am sadly already so attached. He acknowledged that the description of FAs sounded like him and I guess I hold on to the fact that he does have some awareness and is able to discuss these things without shutting down (when we first met, he would completely shutdown and disappear for a few days)... so I tend to focus on the positives even when the “negatives” far outweighs them. The hardest part for me is not taking it personally. I just see how he is with his friends and finding time with them and helping them and not with me. He limits his time with me and even once told me he was trying to keep a safe distance for now. I get down about it wondering why he doesn’t want to spend more time with a woman he described as the “most amazing woman he’s ever known.” And I am an introvert and prefer most of my time alone with my dogs, but I do wish that by now we were spending more than one sexless (Lol!) evening a week together. It feeds into my insecurities so much which is why I have to cut him off. I’m in therapy (have been for years) and am pretty good about staying busy and focused on my own life. And I don’t text him unless he initiates, etc. While I think I’ve come to outwardly handle things with him healthily, it still pains me internally so I have to move. I’m clearly not wired to be with someone like this. Think about what you just said though; you're the most amazing woman, yet he can't make time for you and you're in a sexless relationship where you barely see him, yet he has no problem making time for all those other people. What would you say to a friend you cared about who described their relationship like that? You'd tell them this man brings nothing to the table that's healthy. I understand attachment, trust me, I do, that's why I ended up here myself. But I also have made massive gains in my healing from it all. I also did therapy for years and I started to do energy therapy, reiki in particular, and the amount of change that came about from that has me no longer doing talk therapy, which no longer served me. Reiki isn't for everyone, but I'd recommend trying it at least. I also did hypnotherapy and qi gong which both helped, not as much as reiki, but it definitely contributed to shifting my mindset and freeing me of old habits and patterns. It is so liberating to not be attached anymore. nyc212 - Thanks again! He does bring little to the table... but he is the gentlest, most honest man I've ever met and he has this very pure heart... It's hard to describe... BUT my needs are not being met and I wouldn't ever want a friend to be in a situation where her needs weren't met. I do know you can't fix anyone. It took me a few relationships and a lot of therapy to realize this and recognize my own issues that made me want to and think I could fix men. I have been good about not trying to do this with my FA. I just listen when he shares his stuff and support him when I see he is trying. I am following my friends' and family's advice which is that I can continue to rescue stray dogs, but not men!  It's not easy for me to not want to "fix," but I am conscious of it and make the conscious effort to stop myself from interfering. Thanks so much for the Reiki suggestion. I know of it, but have never tried it. I will look into it as well as the other therapies you've mentioned -- very intrigued. |
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Post by confusednyc on Apr 1, 2020 1:53:44 GMT
Thank you, caroline1218! It was very helpful to hear that this is familiar to you with your FA partner. Mine has even admitted that it makes him feel good to be appreciated by all these friends and how they think he's so wonderful. It's frustrating, because he more enables them than helps them. Most are addicts/alcoholics and he does things for them they should be doing themselves. I am independent and self-sufficient, but I accept help (took me years to!); however, he has told me he just sees me as so strong and together and that I don't need help, EVEN though I've been transparent with him about my struggles and desire for help. He has offered to do things, but it never happens. And I find that hurtful that he "can't" find the time to follow through. It does help me take it less personally to know it's probably subconscious...
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Post by confusednyc on Apr 1, 2020 1:56:43 GMT
swtbh- Thanks for sharing a perspective from the "other side." I am so appreciative for your openness. I am impressed with your awareness and your empathy for partners of FA. It's very helpful to hear all of this, as while I am becoming more convinced I can't be with my FA for now, I still want to come from a place of love and understanding and your words are reminding me of his struggles.
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Post by nyc718 on Apr 2, 2020 13:17:31 GMT
Think about what you just said though; you're the most amazing woman, yet he can't make time for you and you're in a sexless relationship where you barely see him, yet he has no problem making time for all those other people. What would you say to a friend you cared about who described their relationship like that? You'd tell them this man brings nothing to the table that's healthy. I understand attachment, trust me, I do, that's why I ended up here myself. But I also have made massive gains in my healing from it all. I also did therapy for years and I started to do energy therapy, reiki in particular, and the amount of change that came about from that has me no longer doing talk therapy, which no longer served me. Reiki isn't for everyone, but I'd recommend trying it at least. I also did hypnotherapy and qi gong which both helped, not as much as reiki, but it definitely contributed to shifting my mindset and freeing me of old habits and patterns. It is so liberating to not be attached anymore. nyc212 - Thanks again! He does bring little to the table... but he is the gentlest, most honest man I've ever met and he has this very pure heart... It's hard to describe... BUT my needs are not being met and I wouldn't ever want a friend to be in a situation where her needs weren't met. I do know you can't fix anyone. It took me a few relationships and a lot of therapy to realize this and recognize my own issues that made me want to and think I could fix men. I have been good about not trying to do this with my FA. I just listen when he shares his stuff and support him when I see he is trying. I am following my friends' and family's advice which is that I can continue to rescue stray dogs, but not men! It's not easy for me to not want to "fix," but I am conscious of it and make the conscious effort to stop myself from interfering. Thanks so much for the Reiki suggestion. I know of it, but have never tried it. I will look into it as well as the other therapies you've mentioned -- very intrigued. I can relate and I know many others can as well. My FA ex was also a gentle, loving and good man with a good heart who I loved and still love to this day. In no way was he a malicious person. But the bottom line is he is not a secure man. As you said, he can't meet my needs. If my needs can't be met, I cannot thrive in the relationship. I need a man who is conscious and aware of whatever it is he needs to work on and actually be doing the work, just as I am continually working on myself. I've done a lot of work, and the person who deserves it is someone who recognizes all that I bring to the table. As far as the reiki, bear in mind that just like all practitioners, some are more suited for certain people than others. I would ask if they understand dealing with attachment energy or trauma (which doesn't necessarily mean a catastrophic event. Trauma can be childhood emotional neglect), just as a therapist should be a trauma-informed therapist, or otherwise familiar with attachment. My therapist wasn't trauma-informed and had a limited knowledge of attachment, and therefore was no longer serving me. |
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Post by confusednyc on Apr 6, 2020 1:09:22 GMT
Thanks, again, nyc212, especially for the tips in finding a good fit for a reiki practitioner.
Your words about how your FA ex was also a good man, but how at the end of the day, it still didn't mean your needs were met or your offerings were recognized.
I am struggling now. My FA came by and insisted on helping me with some stuff around my house. I wanted to resist, but I had helped him with so many things and I knew it meant a lot for him to repay it in kind. I couldn't help myself and brought up our situation. At first, he was like, "I don't want to have this conversation." I reminded him that we were supposed to have it the other night, but he got held up at work and that I never knew when he'd come around again and so I wanted to have it now. To his credit, he said, "Okay. I want to listen." And he did. I told him I cared for him so much, but my needs weren't being met and I know he never means to hurt me, but the hot and cold behavior after over a year was hurtful to me and so I needed to take the summer apart from him. He didn't like the idea. But he owned it and said he wasn't treating me like I deserved, how a man should treat a woman, and that he knew it. He said he wanted to be with me, but he just didn't know how. He said he always wants to kiss me and give me compliments, but it makes him uncomfortable. He said he wasn't worthy of me. And he said he knew I was going to be the one that got away. He told me he wouldn't be able to stop contact. I told him if he truly cared about me and didn't want to hurt me, he would respect my wishes so I could move on and heal and one day be available to someone who is available to me. That made him agree -- he said he didn't want to hurt me and if that's what I needed, he would respect that. I told him no calling or texting or leaving flowers or letters or honking his horn... We are neighbors, so IT IS HARD. He drives by my house many times a day. Ugh. And that's what kills me. We are neighbors and he hardly sees me, but he'll stop and have coffee and spend time with friends all the time.
So, I am bad about ripping off the bandaid...so we are spending one last evening together and then I pray I will stay strong and keep no contact for the next five months. Like I said, living next to him and running into him makes it even harder. I told him we would just be polite if that happens, but no stopping and talking. The good news is neither of us are on social media, so I won't be tempted to go down that rabbit hole.
HERE IS MY QUESTION: Part of me feels strongly that I am doing what's best for me (and him); however, there is still a large part of me that thinks, "I could just give it more time and meet him where he's at with just hanging out once a week and then he'll eventually trust me and feel safe, especially since he's going to therapy, and then he'll come around." I have to add he is 50 years old, so... And then I start thinking I blew it by not opting for the latter. But I'm guessing from what I've read and learned here, it's a long, hard road for this to ever be a reciprocal, healthy relationship. And also that it makes me too anxious so I "can't" just make myself be cool with it. Am I doing the "right" thing by taking time apart? I just can't decide which is more painful -- the dragging out of the hot and cold, unfulfilling "relationship" or overcoming the heartache of getting over him.
Thank you all and I hope I can stay strong.
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Post by nyc718 on Apr 6, 2020 2:28:04 GMT
Thanks, again, nyc212, especially for the tips in finding a good fit for a reiki practitioner. Your words about how your FA ex was also a good man, but how at the end of the day, it still didn't mean your needs were met or your offerings were recognized. I am struggling now. My FA came by and insisted on helping me with some stuff around my house. I wanted to resist, but I had helped him with so many things and I knew it meant a lot for him to repay it in kind. I couldn't help myself and brought up our situation. At first, he was like, "I don't want to have this conversation." I reminded him that we were supposed to have it the other night, but he got held up at work and that I never knew when he'd come around again and so I wanted to have it now. To his credit, he said, "Okay. I want to listen." And he did. I told him I cared for him so much, but my needs weren't being met and I know he never means to hurt me, but the hot and cold behavior after over a year was hurtful to me and so I needed to take the summer apart from him. He didn't like the idea. But he owned it and said he wasn't treating me like I deserved, how a man should treat a woman, and that he knew it. He said he wanted to be with me, but he just didn't know how. He said he always wants to kiss me and give me compliments, but it makes him uncomfortable. He said he wasn't worthy of me. And he said he knew I was going to be the one that got away. He told me he wouldn't be able to stop contact. I told him if he truly cared about me and didn't want to hurt me, he would respect my wishes so I could move on and heal and one day be available to someone who is available to me. That made him agree -- he said he didn't want to hurt me and if that's what I needed, he would respect that. I told him no calling or texting or leaving flowers or letters or honking his horn... We are neighbors, so IT IS HARD. He drives by my house many times a day. Ugh. And that's what kills me. We are neighbors and he hardly sees me, but he'll stop and have coffee and spend time with friends all the time. So, I am bad about ripping off the bandaid...so we are spending one last evening together and then I pray I will stay strong and keep no contact for the next five months. Like I said, living next to him and running into him makes it even harder. I told him we would just be polite if that happens, but no stopping and talking. The good news is neither of us are on social media, so I won't be tempted to go down that rabbit hole. HERE IS MY QUESTION: Part of me feels strongly that I am doing what's best for me (and him); however, there is still a large part of me that thinks, "I could just give it more time and meet him where he's at with just hanging out once a week and then he'll eventually trust me and feel safe, especially since he's going to therapy, and then he'll come around." I have to add he is 50 years old, so... And then I start thinking I blew it by not opting for the latter. But I'm guessing from what I've read and learned here, it's a long, hard road for this to ever be a reciprocal, healthy relationship. And also that it makes me too anxious so I "can't" just make myself be cool with it. Am I doing the "right" thing by taking time apart? I just can't decide which is more painful -- the dragging out of the hot and cold, unfulfilling "relationship" or overcoming the heartache of getting over him. Thank you all and I hope I can stay strong. You did the right thing by expressing clearly what you need and want, and he does understand and acknowledged it. It would have been nice if he said, I'll do what it takes to be in your life by getting help, working on myself, etc, but instead he said the same type of stuff he's been saying all his life - I'm not good enough for you, you'll be the one that got away etc. That's old mind patterns and habits and he's clearly not ready to change. And as you know and we all know this: do not date potential. He is exactly who he is, and that's that. He will not change until he changes, and that isn't happening. He isn't capable of a healthy relationship. You cannot be "patient" enough or give it time. You will be overcompensating for his lack and he will do nothing but be what he is right now. You have to know and believe that you did the right thing and move on for now. He is 50 and nothing is going to change until he is motivated and desires to change. And not for nothing, but a man who can't even just kiss you and give you a compliment? If you don't think you deserve more, and you don't seem to think you do, you also have some work to do, and that's not a bad thing to focus on. For me, the reiki helped immensely to take away the attachment. It took away the ruminating thoughts and helped my nervous system which is important. There's so much subconscious work that goes into healing. You can KNOW everything to do right, but your body will trick you into thinking it's something else. That's why subconscious work is so important. You have to change your subconscious to make changes. That's where trauma-informed therapists and in my case, energy healing came into play. Please check your messages, I Dm'd you. |
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Post by serenity on Apr 6, 2020 5:48:35 GMT
Thanks, again, nyc212, especially for the tips in finding a good fit for a reiki practitioner. Your words about how your FA ex was also a good man, but how at the end of the day, it still didn't mean your needs were met or your offerings were recognized. I am struggling now. My FA came by and insisted on helping me with some stuff around my house. I wanted to resist, but I had helped him with so many things and I knew it meant a lot for him to repay it in kind. I couldn't help myself and brought up our situation. At first, he was like, "I don't want to have this conversation." I reminded him that we were supposed to have it the other night, but he got held up at work and that I never knew when he'd come around again and so I wanted to have it now. To his credit, he said, "Okay. I want to listen." And he did. I told him I cared for him so much, but my needs weren't being met and I know he never means to hurt me, but the hot and cold behavior after over a year was hurtful to me and so I needed to take the summer apart from him. He didn't like the idea. But he owned it and said he wasn't treating me like I deserved, how a man should treat a woman, and that he knew it. He said he wanted to be with me, but he just didn't know how. He said he always wants to kiss me and give me compliments, but it makes him uncomfortable. He said he wasn't worthy of me. And he said he knew I was going to be the one that got away. He told me he wouldn't be able to stop contact. I told him if he truly cared about me and didn't want to hurt me, he would respect my wishes so I could move on and heal and one day be available to someone who is available to me. That made him agree -- he said he didn't want to hurt me and if that's what I needed, he would respect that. I told him no calling or texting or leaving flowers or letters or honking his horn... We are neighbors, so IT IS HARD. He drives by my house many times a day. Ugh. And that's what kills me. We are neighbors and he hardly sees me, but he'll stop and have coffee and spend time with friends all the time. So, I am bad about ripping off the bandaid...so we are spending one last evening together and then I pray I will stay strong and keep no contact for the next five months. Like I said, living next to him and running into him makes it even harder. I told him we would just be polite if that happens, but no stopping and talking. The good news is neither of us are on social media, so I won't be tempted to go down that rabbit hole. HERE IS MY QUESTION: Part of me feels strongly that I am doing what's best for me (and him); however, there is still a large part of me that thinks, "I could just give it more time and meet him where he's at with just hanging out once a week and then he'll eventually trust me and feel safe, especially since he's going to therapy, and then he'll come around." I have to add he is 50 years old, so... And then I start thinking I blew it by not opting for the latter. But I'm guessing from what I've read and learned here, it's a long, hard road for this to ever be a reciprocal, healthy relationship. And also that it makes me too anxious so I "can't" just make myself be cool with it. Am I doing the "right" thing by taking time apart? I just can't decide which is more painful -- the dragging out of the hot and cold, unfulfilling "relationship" or overcoming the heartache of getting over him. Thank you all and I hope I can stay strong. Hi Confusednyc , Hugs, I really feel for you; its such a terrible, painful decision to have to make. You are in a no-win situation unfortunately, and you are doing the right thing. The sad and confusing Catch-22 of these relationships is that intimacy between couples naturally increases with time, and therefore so does the intensity of the avoidant's distancing strategies. Most likely with your guy, if you stayed another 6 months or so, you might be able to get more of a relationship committment out of him, and he sounds like he would be loyal. But he'd also likely offset that with more intense checking out of the relationship, more emotional and physical distance, and you never know what know what else he'll do to create distance. Avoidants are capable of progressively starving you of love and affection as your intimacy progresses, and usually end up sabotaging and running if you try to address it in a healthy, heartfelt way. I honestly think if you stayed right now, this is what is most likely to happen, and it will really hurt you hon. Its terrible to cut off from someone you love and care about, but relationships can be so much better than what you've got right now. And simply living without the anxiety of your basic connection needs being withheld from you, will improve your health and wellbeing. You will get better. And so will your self esteem. Sending you love and good wishes! |
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Post by confusedwitch on Apr 6, 2020 16:32:35 GMT
On the helping others / who he hangs out with / time for everyone else — My FA partner is like this — he's always trying to help out everyone in the community yet can't ask me directly what's wrong / what I need (yet is supportive in his own ways - well getting better about this). I think a lot of this on the external front has to do with validation. Being liked and having "status" in the community is validation and a boost of self-esteem. Almost like quantity over quality. (not saying some of those people aren't supportive back — but they don't know the "real" him, only on surface level — which for my case, I think the fact I understand him (his words) scares / intimates him). Yep. My [not exactly] ex is the same. The sweetest, most helpful man I've ever known. There is another thing with him - he is unable to refuse. He is so incredibly conflict avoidant, I've seen him keeping silent even when someone did something that could cost this dearest idiot of mine his job. And yes, I think it is a lot about validation. He keeps everyone at distance. Once, in a rare moment of openness (for which I paid later dearly, getting frozen almost to death by him) he said he tries not to attach to the people in his life. Good thing is he knew that's a drastic approach. Anyway, for someone like him it's an easier way to feel needed and accepted, that avoids all this scary closeness and intimacy. And God knows intimacy scares him so much, same with closeness or even feeling love. That's the main problem of our relation: the only way to avoid getting close with me is to not see me at all. To freeze me out completely. Because otherwise he gets drawn to me, closer and closer. Sheesh. And so we get into the rollercoaster again. Now I haven't seen him for a month, due to the pandemic, he blocked me on some social media and temporarily shut down his accounts elsewhere, so we are on a strict no-contact. And I bet my rear end he misses me big time and regrets all the shit he had done. i know he never wanted to hurt me, I've seen that pain and tenderness in his eyes when we met for the last time and I know he has been a total mess since he nuked our relation. All in all he hurt himself much worse than he hurt me... again. And I cannot help him. You know, he wasn't unable to answer a simple question of "Is there everything ok between us? You haven't been replying on my messages for a while", he literally run away, mumbling something, with sheer panic in his eyes. So how can I help a man who is virtually unable to talk about anything personal? I can't. All I can do is to remove myself from that circus. |
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Post by confusednyc on Apr 6, 2020 17:29:56 GMT
Thank you, Serenity. I found so much comfort in your words. You have a really wonderful way with them -- kind, supportive and without judgment.
I'm sure it's "normal," but I keep second-guessing my decision. I've been reading a lot on this site and elsewhere and my FA doesn't seem as extreme as others in his avoidant behaviors, so it makes me feel that there's a chance or I've made the wrong choice. Early in our "relationship," he would get triggered and say he couldn't do it anymore and disappear. But he never stayed away longer than a week. It's been awhile since he's responded like that. I think it might help that I learned quickly to just let him be. So it's more just that we won't move beyond the label of "friends for now," despite acting like a romantic partner in many ways (no sex, but physical touch, kisses, cuddling and sleepovers -- all initiated by him) and that he has actually started spending less time with me than when we started; though, he said last week he wanted to see me more often. Problem is, that never happened and a couple times it was my fault, because lately, I would be so frustrated at his last-minute plans or not wanting to do anything beyond hanging out at home after telling me he wanted to get out of his boring, depressing rut and do things. He told me the other day it upsets him when he's running late or has to change plans and I tell him forget it. I only started doing that, because of his pattern of behavior with this. But I am seeing now, my perhaps insensitive reactions trigger him as well and feeds into his fears of unworthiness and abandonment.
Anyway, I see him this Friday evening for dinner and a movie at my place. Part of me wishes I never agreed to it. We agreed we should end on a nice note. But I don't think he ever believes it's over and some days I do and other days I don't. We've never been able to stay apart. Sigh.
Again, he seems to be able to talk more about his feelings (this did take time with me) and he also never has and still does not sleep or date around. He is very self-aware. He even said to me during our talk that he was just scared and still couldn't even look me in the face. It's true. He hardly can look at me after over a year -- he paces nervously. He also said if he holds back so much on acting how he feels. He said he wants to compliment me all the time, but it makes him uncomfortable. He is also uncomfortable with receiving compliments. I understand how receiving makes some feel uncomfortable, but why would giving compliments? Throughout our day the other day, he kept saying he wanted to kiss me, but he knew he shouldn't. His ability to express this gives me what I'm sure is a false sense of hope that he could come through. And I guess while this is dangerous as it could cause me to stay longer, I feel fortunate in many ways that he doesn't ghost on me and that he can tell me things that help me understand he does feel for me -- I've read some accounts on here where the guy disappears or can't even express anything to offer clarity. So I guess that's something. Then I read all these heartbreaking posts about people's FAs ending it abruptly or disappearing and I wonder if I'm crazy for being the one to end it.
So I am guessing FA is on a spectrum? Also, I've been reading about deactivating strategies and he displays a lot of those. Are even things such as spending time with other relationships -- is that on a subconscious level? I know the subconscious is responsible for so much of what we all do, but I am having trouble wrapping my head around this idea when applied to how he is with me and time with me.
Right now, I'm finding it hard to function at all. I really wanted to use this time to heal, but I am dragging my feet. It's awful that he lives down the road and I have to see him drive by all the time and I feel like he's doing just fine and even relieved at not seeing me. But then I know he was all upset when I proposed the break. I just want to stop crying and obsessing.
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Post by Helsbells on Apr 7, 2020 9:17:31 GMT
Thank you, Serenity. I found so much comfort in your words. You have a really wonderful way with them -- kind, supportive and without judgment. I'm sure it's "normal," but I keep second-guessing my decision. I've been reading a lot on this site and elsewhere and my FA doesn't seem as extreme as others in his avoidant behaviors, so it makes me feel that there's a chance or I've made the wrong choice. Early in our "relationship," he would get triggered and say he couldn't do it anymore and disappear. But he never stayed away longer than a week. It's been awhile since he's responded like that. I think it might help that I learned quickly to just let him be. So it's more just that we won't move beyond the label of "friends for now," despite acting like a romantic partner in many ways (no sex, but physical touch, kisses, cuddling and sleepovers -- all initiated by him) and that he has actually started spending less time with me than when we started; though, he said last week he wanted to see me more often. Problem is, that never happened and a couple times it was my fault, because lately, I would be so frustrated at his last-minute plans or not wanting to do anything beyond hanging out at home after telling me he wanted to get out of his boring, depressing rut and do things. He told me the other day it upsets him when he's running late or has to change plans and I tell him forget it. I only started doing that, because of his pattern of behavior with this. But I am seeing now, my perhaps insensitive reactions trigger him as well and feeds into his fears of unworthiness and abandonment. Anyway, I see him this Friday evening for dinner and a movie at my place. Part of me wishes I never agreed to it. We agreed we should end on a nice note. But I don't think he ever believes it's over and some days I do and other days I don't. We've never been able to stay apart. Sigh. Again, he seems to be able to talk more about his feelings (this did take time with me) and he also never has and still does not sleep or date around. He is very self-aware. He even said to me during our talk that he was just scared and still couldn't even look me in the face. It's true. He hardly can look at me after over a year -- he paces nervously. He also said if he holds back so much on acting how he feels. He said he wants to compliment me all the time, but it makes him uncomfortable. He is also uncomfortable with receiving compliments. I understand how receiving makes some feel uncomfortable, but why would giving compliments? Throughout our day the other day, he kept saying he wanted to kiss me, but he knew he shouldn't. His ability to express this gives me what I'm sure is a false sense of hope that he could come through. And I guess while this is dangerous as it could cause me to stay longer, I feel fortunate in many ways that he doesn't ghost on me and that he can tell me things that help me understand he does feel for me -- I've read some accounts on here where the guy disappears or can't even express anything to offer clarity. So I guess that's something. Then I read all these heartbreaking posts about people's FAs ending it abruptly or disappearing and I wonder if I'm crazy for being the one to end it. So I am guessing FA is on a spectrum? Also, I've been reading about deactivating strategies and he displays a lot of those. Are even things such as spending time with other relationships -- is that on a subconscious level? I know the subconscious is responsible for so much of what we all do, but I am having trouble wrapping my head around this idea when applied to how he is with me and time with me. Right now, I'm finding it hard to function at all. I really wanted to use this time to heal, but I am dragging my feet. It's awful that he lives down the road and I have to see him drive by all the time and I feel like he's doing just fine and even relieved at not seeing me. But then I know he was all upset when I proposed the break. I just want to stop crying and obsessing. Such a heartbreaking read. I can truly relate to what you are going through and the hurt and pain is so unbearable at times, so so sorry xx |
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It's not easy for me to not want to "fix," but I am conscious of it and make the conscious effort to stop myself from interfering. Thanks so much for the Reiki suggestion. I know of it, but have never tried it. I will look into it as well as the other therapies you've mentioned -- very intrigued.