Post by serenity on Apr 18, 2020 4:09:55 GMT
Caroline, Perhaps the best way forward would be to discuss it with your therapist, and just explain the approach you want to take, and get some feedback and support?. She wants you to frame your discussions around your needs, which is healthy. You don't have to make an ultimatum, but you do need to clearly state what you need at some point.
I don't think you really have to "label him". But you need to be able to say something that communicates both your understanding and your needs . Something along the lines of "I believe you have some engulfment triggers that makes closeness feel uncomfortable for you. I understand that but I really need to be seeing you in person at least once a week or so..are you willing to work towards this for the benefit of our relationship?"
A request like that is so clear and reasonable, that if he ignores you, backs off, or says "no"...then be willing to let him go for now. He will miss you within a couple of months, usually sooner, and you may be able to revisit this discussion more productively then. Meanwhile, although you will feel hurt and grieve, you will also get much stronger and more clear headed.
I understand you probably don't want it to come to that, and it may not. But I've been through it a few times now, and there were always multiple times after a break to revisit. It was me who decided not to, and remain as a supportive friend instead, not them. And that was only because I felt in their specific cases, they wouldn't be able to give me what I needed.
I don't think you really have to "label him". But you need to be able to say something that communicates both your understanding and your needs . Something along the lines of "I believe you have some engulfment triggers that makes closeness feel uncomfortable for you. I understand that but I really need to be seeing you in person at least once a week or so..are you willing to work towards this for the benefit of our relationship?"
A request like that is so clear and reasonable, that if he ignores you, backs off, or says "no"...then be willing to let him go for now. He will miss you within a couple of months, usually sooner, and you may be able to revisit this discussion more productively then. Meanwhile, although you will feel hurt and grieve, you will also get much stronger and more clear headed.
I understand you probably don't want it to come to that, and it may not. But I've been through it a few times now, and there were always multiple times after a break to revisit. It was me who decided not to, and remain as a supportive friend instead, not them. And that was only because I felt in their specific cases, they wouldn't be able to give me what I needed.