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Post by jeffk80 on Apr 4, 2020 18:27:20 GMT
Hi all. First time posting on here so I hope I'm in the right section. To be honest I'm really new to this whole attachment style world. Anyway, based on what I've read, tests I've done and what my gf says (shes FA and knows more about this than I do) this is where I fit (I think). Anyway, I have a really really hard time expressing how I feel to her and telling her what exactly I'm thinking. I've been on depression medication for the past 25 years so I dont know if that is "numbing" me to a certain extent. If we have an argument or I feel like I'm being pushed, I get really tired and start falling asleep mid conversation, which obviously makes her more angry. Also, I've always been a people pleaser so I have a hard time saving no, putting my needs before anyone else's and basically standing up for myself. Like I said, I'm really new to all this so if anyone has any feedback, insight or comments I'd love to hear what you think
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Post by alexandra on Apr 4, 2020 20:16:22 GMT
Hi, Jeff. You might be AP, but you may actually be FA as well. What you're describing (getting overwhelmed and kind of shutting down / falling asleep in response) is more of an FA response to stress than an AP one. In FA-FA pairings, usually one is more avoidant and the other is more anxious, so you may both be FA but see the same communication and push-pull issues as a straight up anxious-avoidant pairing. Being with someone more avoidant can also push an FA more anxious and appear to be AP (if you only choose partners more avoidant than you).
What have your attachment style assessments said? Did you take them only with your partner in mind or with your feelings and patterns more generally in mind with different types of people?
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Post by annieb on Apr 4, 2020 23:14:04 GMT
Hi all. First time posting on here so I hope I'm in the right section. To be honest I'm really new to this whole attachment style world. Anyway, based on what I've read, tests I've done and what my gf says (shes FA and knows more about this than I do) this is where I fit (I think). Anyway, I have a really really hard time expressing how I feel to her and telling her what exactly I'm thinking. I've been on depression medication for the past 25 years so I dont know if that is "numbing" me to a certain extent. If we have an argument or I feel like I'm being pushed, I get really tired and start falling asleep mid conversation, which obviously makes her more angry. Also, I've always been a people pleaser so I have a hard time saving no, putting my needs before anyone else's and basically standing up for myself. Like I said, I'm really new to all this so if anyone has any feedback, insight or comments I'd love to hear what you think I’m a reformed FA and nowadays I express everything that bothers me with just about everybody including a potential new SO. I do not want anything left not communicated, and that will not be my downfall. My usual MO would have been to shut down rather stoically with an ocassional AP needy/ clingy behavior. Now I say everything i feel need to say to communicate my feelings in the moment even if it is painful and it is most certainly terrifying to do so. I have yet to regret this decision, because it really feels like I resolve a lot of things here and now. I don’t know what future holds, but for the last five six months I’ve been doing this exercise, I’ve been happier. Tru the next time there is a so called confrontation to at least get one of your points across and try to deliberately listen to at least one of her points and acknowledge it. Try to take the emotions out of this and just do one point to start. |
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