Post by BecomingMe on Apr 22, 2020 16:24:20 GMT
There is something that I have been trying to puzzle out for a while now. I'm putting this in the general category because it might resonate with AAs and Anxious leaning FAs.
I used to be a dismissive leaning FA and have been in therapy for more than 2.5 years now. This has caused a huge change in my interaction with people and I dont run away or push people these days. A little about my dating history - the first person I dated was at 19 and I also married him. We were together till I was 32. He is a narcissist and I'm quite sure he is an AA. It was always me not communicating and leaving after a huge fight or him verbally abusing me and him chasing/begging me to come back. It was also a relationship/marriage where there was little to no sex.
I got divorced almost 3 years ago and have had casual flings with men. When I say casual it would be me sleeping with them 2-3 times and quickly putting an end to all communication or just doing the slow fade. A few months after my divorce I became emotionally very close to a man. It was long distance affair and he was going through a messy divorce. After about 3 months I said I need to know where this is going and wanted us to be exclusive. To which he said wasn't in a position to do that. I said we need to stop talking and also yelled at him for wasting my time when he had no desire to take it anywhere. Not proud of this. It left a very bad taste in my mouth and I decided to be very clear of what I wanted right from the get go.
The second person I dated was a DA. I told him from the beginning that I was looking for something serious and he told me he was as well. He seemed sorted and stable compared to all the other men I had met until then, but he had told me his longest relationship lasted 7 months(which probably was a red flag). I told myself to take it slow but I could see that I was getting anxious about his behaviour and kept doing things to pull him closer. The more time I spent with him, the more my brain went into a spiral of how perfect he was for me, how much my family would like him and how well he fit into my life. Just like the previous time, around the 3 month mark I told him I liked him. He started to distance and out of the blue brought up a lot of issues saying he wanted to end things.
My question to anyone who can relate, how do you keep your feelings and emotional projections in check? I don't want to feel this overwhelming desire to draw this person in or seal the deal. I also know DAs can some times bring out the anxiety in you if you are not secure( no disrepect to any DAs here). I don't know if it's reasonable to have a timeline, but I want things to unfold slowly. I want to be able to see with clear eyes what the person is and if they fit into my life. I realised talking about the actions of your partner to your friends(especially those who aren't secure), after a point can be detrimental because they bring their own stories. Based on the few dating experiences I've had, I can see that I tend to want to label things quickly.
A couple of things I decided to do which might help me in the future
1. Journaling regularly and checking in with how I feel and where I am in dating a new person.
2. To tell myself that labelling does not mean the relationship/person can be healthy and only time can tell me this
3. I realised safe and healthy sex can blind me to the other person's red flags. I sort of get carried away. So being aware of that.
4. I also have a lot of abandonment issues and I am working on inner child healing with my therapist.
If anyone has other tools and ideas of how to take things slow, I would really appreciate it
I used to be a dismissive leaning FA and have been in therapy for more than 2.5 years now. This has caused a huge change in my interaction with people and I dont run away or push people these days. A little about my dating history - the first person I dated was at 19 and I also married him. We were together till I was 32. He is a narcissist and I'm quite sure he is an AA. It was always me not communicating and leaving after a huge fight or him verbally abusing me and him chasing/begging me to come back. It was also a relationship/marriage where there was little to no sex.
I got divorced almost 3 years ago and have had casual flings with men. When I say casual it would be me sleeping with them 2-3 times and quickly putting an end to all communication or just doing the slow fade. A few months after my divorce I became emotionally very close to a man. It was long distance affair and he was going through a messy divorce. After about 3 months I said I need to know where this is going and wanted us to be exclusive. To which he said wasn't in a position to do that. I said we need to stop talking and also yelled at him for wasting my time when he had no desire to take it anywhere. Not proud of this. It left a very bad taste in my mouth and I decided to be very clear of what I wanted right from the get go.
The second person I dated was a DA. I told him from the beginning that I was looking for something serious and he told me he was as well. He seemed sorted and stable compared to all the other men I had met until then, but he had told me his longest relationship lasted 7 months(which probably was a red flag). I told myself to take it slow but I could see that I was getting anxious about his behaviour and kept doing things to pull him closer. The more time I spent with him, the more my brain went into a spiral of how perfect he was for me, how much my family would like him and how well he fit into my life. Just like the previous time, around the 3 month mark I told him I liked him. He started to distance and out of the blue brought up a lot of issues saying he wanted to end things.
My question to anyone who can relate, how do you keep your feelings and emotional projections in check? I don't want to feel this overwhelming desire to draw this person in or seal the deal. I also know DAs can some times bring out the anxiety in you if you are not secure( no disrepect to any DAs here). I don't know if it's reasonable to have a timeline, but I want things to unfold slowly. I want to be able to see with clear eyes what the person is and if they fit into my life. I realised talking about the actions of your partner to your friends(especially those who aren't secure), after a point can be detrimental because they bring their own stories. Based on the few dating experiences I've had, I can see that I tend to want to label things quickly.
A couple of things I decided to do which might help me in the future
1. Journaling regularly and checking in with how I feel and where I am in dating a new person.
2. To tell myself that labelling does not mean the relationship/person can be healthy and only time can tell me this
3. I realised safe and healthy sex can blind me to the other person's red flags. I sort of get carried away. So being aware of that.
4. I also have a lot of abandonment issues and I am working on inner child healing with my therapist.
If anyone has other tools and ideas of how to take things slow, I would really appreciate it
