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Post by amber on May 28, 2020 22:33:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2020 1:15:16 GMT
thanks amber. this is an excellent read! |
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Post by mrob on May 29, 2020 1:48:24 GMT
And that is why I never had a chance. Wow.
I experienced just this the other week and totally misread it. What a tragedy.
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Post by alexandra on May 29, 2020 2:47:17 GMT
I experienced just this the other week and totally misread it. What a tragedy. But it's not on you to read or misread or mindread. It's on the other person to take responsibility and communicate their needs directly. |
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Post by mrob on May 29, 2020 3:34:10 GMT
And I know you’re right.
This isn’t the first time, though. The way a bid for attention is responded to can pull secures anxious. I find I even have problems with responding to my daughter’s bids now she’s a bit older in light of this.
I thought I’d been triggered anxious and was doing a good job at shutting my mouth. My response ultimately was my default avoidant response. I suppose that’s what makes me cranky with myself. My first reaction to a bid for attention is still repulsion. I think that’s sad, and I can see it’s on a hiding to nothing.
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2020 6:40:13 GMT
i think this just goes to show how important it is to understand all attachment styles, in addition to your own, because it allows us to understand where our partner is coming from and enables us to respond appropriately, empathetically and lovingly. this goes hand in hand with working on ourselves in both parties to enact actual concrete changes. mrob i think that is progress? the ability to understand the other party, yourself, and the interactions in concert is a rare triad that is needed for true change. |
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Post by amber on May 29, 2020 8:22:57 GMT
Stan tatkin really knows how’s stuff. He has written a similar piece on avoidants. It’s also excellent. He says they are addicted to alone time. Interesting he says anxious are allergic to hope. I feel since my breakup with FA I have been, I’m too scared now to have hope in the fear that I’ll be disappointed again. Prior to meeting him I was hopeful; im sure this allergy to hope is old traumas surfacing.
He describes attachment styles in such a great way, I love the science behind it. It defo helps bring more compassion and understanding to the other.
My friend who’s a couples counsellor and has done training with Stan said in couple dynamics you often get one couple who wants to pursue and “sort things out” as soon as there is conflict and the other who wants to avoid and hide and withdraw. She said although it appears to manifest differently both are in a high arousal state with high anxiety, but trying to regulate their nervous systems in different ways
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2020 9:53:57 GMT
Stan tatkin really knows how’s stuff. He has written a similar piece on avoidants. It’s also excellent. He says they are addicted to alone time. Interesting he says anxious are allergic to hope. I feel since my breakup with FA I have been, I’m too scared now to have hope in the fear that I’ll be disappointed again. Prior to meeting him I was hopeful; im sure this allergy to hope is old traumas surfacing. He describes attachment styles in such a great way, I love the science behind it. It defo helps bring more compassion and understanding to the other. My friend who’s a couples counsellor and has done training with Stan said in couple dynamics you often get one couple who wants to pursue and “sort things out” as soon as there is conflict and the other who wants to avoid and hide and withdraw. She said although it appears to manifest differently both are in a high arousal state with high anxiety, but trying to regulate their nervous systems in different ways yea, i hear you. i think i'm FA, triggered AP by my last relationship. When i first started dating again, I actively fought against "scared to have hope" because then I would be coming again from a negative place. i just tried to have no expectations, no emotions, and a place of nothing. I scaled down any cognition/emotions (recognize, acknowledge, let it go)and focused only on experiencing enjoyment and contentment. it was really hard because on one hand, i don't want to get hurt again but on the other, i don't want to be jaded and bitter!! but any decision/action taken when coming from a negative place is not really healthy for the self. I reminded myself that being in a health relationship is an outcome of willingness AND ability. Hope (willingness) is not the problem - the inability to engage in healthy relationships (attend to red flags, set boundaries and focusing on myself etc) was The Problem. otherwise, it became really easy to squash the willingness in order not to fix the ability problem -- the latter is way more work! |
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