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Post by iz42 on Jun 11, 2020 2:56:25 GMT
I'm trying to figure out if this is related to attachment, HSP, or other mental health issues. When I'm highly stressed and burned out (as I have been recently), I get very reactive about upsetting other people. I was driving and coming up on a crosswalk when a biker arrived on one side... I normally always stop for bikers and pedestrians but I would have had to slam on my brakes to stop for him. He made a gesture to show me that he was upset that I wasn't stopping. I couldn't stop obsessing about how I made the wrong call and I must have ruined his day. I wanted to find him and give him money to apologize. A similar thing happened in the car a few weeks ago. The fact that I'm causing a stranger to become angry with me sends me into a spiral.
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Post by dhali on Jun 11, 2020 3:11:17 GMT
It is. Anytime you’re outsourcing your opinion of yourself to someone else, it’s AP. Maybe even social anxiety.
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Post by kittygirl on Jun 11, 2020 23:06:29 GMT
I don’t mean to take over this thread but I was wondering also if something is “AP” which I haven’t been able to get info on. (Sorry OP as this isnt related to yours so please feel free to tell me to take a hike!) but is it typically AP to set up relationships such that you ensure theres no real “merging” of your life with someone else’s because you see breakups as an inevitably? (e.g separate bank accounts, not making any big purchases with a partner, making sure all pets are “yours” or “theirs”, making it clear you’ll never get married, etc)? I’m trying to become much more self aware and I realize that some of these things I’ve experienced my whole life might be attachment related.
I need to feel like I could "lift" myself out of a relationship at any moment
Sorry again to the OP! This thread title just triggered this thought in me.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 12, 2020 0:30:55 GMT
iz42, yes, that's ruminating over external opinions and letting them define you kind of, because when stressed you're having difficulty self-regulating and trusting yourself. kittygirl, that's likely attachment-related, but probably more FA/avoidant. AP generally want to merge, even if they're scared of abandonment. What you're describing is a fear of engulfment, though.
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Post by iz42 on Jun 12, 2020 8:04:05 GMT
It is. Anytime you’re outsourcing your opinion of yourself to someone else, it’s AP. Maybe even social anxiety. Yeah, I’m not sure about social anxiety though because it only happens once in a while when I’m extra stressed out and tired. The fact that it happens much less often than it used to shows me that I’m at least making some progress in self regulating... |
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Post by serenity on Jun 12, 2020 21:50:25 GMT
I'm trying to figure out if this is related to attachment, HSP, or other mental health issues. When I'm highly stressed and burned out (as I have been recently), I get very reactive about upsetting other people. I was driving and coming up on a crosswalk when a biker arrived on one side... I normally always stop for bikers and pedestrians but I would have had to slam on my brakes to stop for him. He made a gesture to show me that he was upset that I wasn't stopping. I couldn't stop obsessing about how I made the wrong call and I must have ruined his day. I wanted to find him and give him money to apologize. A similar thing happened in the car a few weeks ago. The fact that I'm causing a stranger to become angry with me sends me into a spiral. Oh heya iz42! Its good to see you <3 I was wondering if you'd ever looked into PTSD or C-PTSD at all? Its common for partners to experience mild or strong PTSD symptoms after traumatic romantic relationships, such as rumination and triggers around rejection. Basically anything that reminds you of the trauma can trigger you and make you feel hypervigilent. The cyclist was acting entitled and was in the wrong, and you made the right judgment call. But he rejected you for it and I think its likely set you off. This can also (oddly) be a good sign in your healing, as it means you've come out of dissociation and numbness, and you're starting to feel again. I don't think I've ever asked you about your family bacfkground ... is that something you'd feel comfortable sharing at all? C-PTSD and things like your triggers, and capacity for dissociation, can have have its roots deep in childhood. |
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Post by iz42 on Jun 22, 2020 22:02:12 GMT
I'm trying to figure out if this is related to attachment, HSP, or other mental health issues. When I'm highly stressed and burned out (as I have been recently), I get very reactive about upsetting other people. I was driving and coming up on a crosswalk when a biker arrived on one side... I normally always stop for bikers and pedestrians but I would have had to slam on my brakes to stop for him. He made a gesture to show me that he was upset that I wasn't stopping. I couldn't stop obsessing about how I made the wrong call and I must have ruined his day. I wanted to find him and give him money to apologize. A similar thing happened in the car a few weeks ago. The fact that I'm causing a stranger to become angry with me sends me into a spiral. Oh heya iz42! Its good to see you <3 I was wondering if you'd ever looked into PTSD or C-PTSD at all? Its common for partners to experience mild or strong PTSD symptoms after traumatic romantic relationships, such as rumination and triggers around rejection. Basically anything that reminds you of the trauma can trigger you and make you feel hypervigilent. The cyclist was acting entitled and was in the wrong, and you made the right judgment call. But he rejected you for it and I think its likely set you off. This can also (oddly) be a good sign in your healing, as it means you've come out of dissociation and numbness, and you're starting to feel again. I don't think I've ever asked you about your family bacfkground ... is that something you'd feel comfortable sharing at all? C-PTSD and things like your triggers, and capacity for dissociation, can have have its roots deep in childhood. Sorry it took me so long to respond! I don't know whether I have C-PTSD but I suppose it is possible. Both of my parents were mental health professionals, which did a number on me because when I was very young I thought it meant they wouldn't have marital problems. LOL. They divorced when I was a teenager. My dad is narcissistic and was manipulative and sometimes emotionally abusive of my mom. He was never verbally or physically abusive though. They fought a lot and it was chaotic, but there were also good times too. I can't say I ever felt unloved or questioned whether my parents loved me. I had a lot of privilege in that I never felt unsafe. I have worked to repair my relationship with my dad and put boundaries in place as an adult. I'm now working on doing the same with my mom. I think I identified with her and was somewhat enmeshed when I was younger. I've worked with therapists on taking better care of myself and not people pleasing. |
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Post by iz42 on Jun 29, 2020 4:21:37 GMT
I've always considered myself AP, but I've actually started to wonder if I'm FA because of what happened with my first serious relationship. I was in my early 20s and thought we would get married. We were together for 4 years. I think he was secure, but he always had trouble expressing emotion, and toward the end of our relationship he realized that he was on the autism spectrum. I think that had a pretty big impact on our relationship in ways that I still don't totally understand. Aside from communication we had some challenges with money and trying to figure out how to start our careers. I supported him financially while he tried to start his own company, which didn't work out. The point of this story is that I ended up cheating on him, which is still the biggest regret of my entire life. It happened almost 15 years ago and I still can't forgive myself.
I never intended to cheat and I can't really explain it. I think part of it was that I assumed I would never be attracted to anyone else... it seems silly but I was young and had never seriously considered what it meant to be in a monogamous relationship. I got myself into a situation where I was away from home on a trip and another guy came on very strongly. I felt flattered and confused by the attention. One morning I woke up and this guy had managed to get into my hotel room -- in retrospect I don't know why I didn't get scared or angry and kick him out, but I felt like I couldn't say no to him. In a way I did feel coerced but I also got swept up in thinking I liked him. The relationship with my boyfriend fell apart when he found out. That was the only time I've ever cheated and I'll never do it again. In my head, the narrative is that I ruined the only good relationship I'll ever have. It's very difficult. I guess my inability to say no to this other guy was AP behavior, but I don't know. In other relationships I've been pretty secure except for the last one with the FA, where I was very anxious. Does the fact that I cheated on my first boyfriend mean I am FA?
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Post by iz42 on Jun 29, 2020 6:35:36 GMT
caro thanks for sharing. It's tough. I just wanted to say that you definitely don't "deserve" to feel jealous or have developed a trigger around cheating. It sounds like it comes from insecurity, but it could also be alerting you to red flags. I've never been jealous or suspected cheating except with my FA ex, who flirted with other women and gave me good reason to be jealous. I still feel bad about my first relationship, but I have gotten a different perspective on it over the years. I don't feel the guilt as intensely as I used to. I also see how the guy put me in a tough situation by entering my hotel room while I was sleeping (the door was unlocked but he didn't knock) before we had been physical, which in retrospect was creepy and pushed my boundaries. I'd only known him for a few days and he didn't have any business showing up in my hotel room. I know I could have stopped it, but I also think he acted inappropriately. I'm working on self forgiveness.
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Post by tnr9 on Jun 29, 2020 16:33:50 GMT
caro thanks for sharing. It's tough. I just wanted to say that you definitely don't "deserve" to feel jealous or have developed a trigger around cheating. It sounds like it comes from insecurity, but it could also be alerting you to red flags. I've never been jealous or suspected cheating except with my FA ex, who flirted with other women and gave me good reason to be jealous. I still feel bad about my first relationship, but I have gotten a different perspective on it over the years. I don't feel the guilt as intensely as I used to. I also see how the guy put me in a tough situation by entering my hotel room while I was sleeping (the door was unlocked but he didn't knock) before we had been physical, which in retrospect was creepy and pushed my boundaries. I'd only known him for a few days and he didn't have any business showing up in my hotel room. I know I could have stopped it, but I also think he acted inappropriately. I'm working on self forgiveness. I don’t think cheating implies you are FA. What was the driver behind cheating? Were you chasing after a high? Were you trying to test/sabotage the relationship? I think there has to be other indications of “swinging” between AP and Avoidant. Also, going into cheating further...did either of your parents “cheat”? My dad cheated on my mom....somehow it was internalized by me that cheating was ok...although I know it truly isn’t. |
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Post by iz42 on Jun 29, 2020 19:45:58 GMT
caro thanks for sharing. It's tough. I just wanted to say that you definitely don't "deserve" to feel jealous or have developed a trigger around cheating. It sounds like it comes from insecurity, but it could also be alerting you to red flags. I've never been jealous or suspected cheating except with my FA ex, who flirted with other women and gave me good reason to be jealous. I still feel bad about my first relationship, but I have gotten a different perspective on it over the years. I don't feel the guilt as intensely as I used to. I also see how the guy put me in a tough situation by entering my hotel room while I was sleeping (the door was unlocked but he didn't knock) before we had been physical, which in retrospect was creepy and pushed my boundaries. I'd only known him for a few days and he didn't have any business showing up in my hotel room. I know I could have stopped it, but I also think he acted inappropriately. I'm working on self forgiveness. I don’t think cheating implies you are FA. What was the driver behind cheating? Were you chasing after a high? Were you trying to test/sabotage the relationship? I think there has to be other indications of “swinging” between AP and Avoidant. Also, going into cheating further...did either of your parents “cheat”? My dad cheated on my mom....somehow it was internalized by me that cheating was ok...although I know it truly isn’t. My parents didn’t cheat (that I know of). This might sound strange but I don’t think I’d ever really thought about the concept of cheating and what I would do if I was presented with the opportunity. I just assumed I would never be tempted or have the opportunity to cheat. I know that’s no excuse. It meant that when it happened I was completely shocked at my own behavior. In some ways I think I was doing the AP thing of going along with someone else’s desires. I didn’t know the guy enough to really have a sense of whether I liked him. I think I also felt frustrated with my relationship at the time and and was struggling with communication with my partner. Getting attention from someone else felt totally unexpected and flattering. I wouldn’t have even noticed that this person was interested if another friend hadn’t pointed it out. I still feel like my whole life would be different (and better) if I hadn’t cheated. |
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Post by alexandra on Jun 29, 2020 20:36:38 GMT
iz42 It's definitely a reason that people cheat if they primarily value and validate themselves through others. There's other threads on this board about APs who have cheated or had emotional affairs because they were having problems with their long-term partner and felt bad about themselves for some time as a result, and ended up pursuing the validation elsewhere. If you're really wondering this, the question I'd ask you is do you inherently distrust others? That's kind of the gauge for avoidance. AP trust others and distrust self. FA distrust both (though when triggered anxious trust others more than self, but still distrust both). In general, the fact you still carry this regret is AP. Haven't fully processed it over a long time, holding resentment at yourself and regret because you made a mistake at some point, still wanting to go back and find the magic formula that would have "fixed" things so that they'd be better now. There's not a whole lot of self-acceptance in that, or recognizing that you have some agency to live the life that you want and would make you happier now in spite of the past. You get to make those decisions.
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Post by iz42 on Jun 29, 2020 21:14:19 GMT
Yeah, this is making me realize that I need a new therapist who I can really work with on this. Unfortunately the cost is sort of impossible right now. I have tried to work through it in therapy in the past but haven't gotten very far. One therapist told me that I was abusive because cheating was a form of abuse, and I agree, but it made me want to punish myself even more. I get frustrated when I think about the fact that I'm so hard on myself and feel even worse, which sounds so ridiculous.
Breaking up with my first bf was a big turning point, where I decided to move to a different city and start a new path in life. In that new life I was homesick and depressed for quite a few years, and I felt like I wasted time being unhappy. I think it's easier to blame myself and try to figure out how things could have been different rather than accept my choices and try to focus on the future. In the pandemic I've been pretty isolated as I live alone and I think it's been easier to go down these rabbit holes.
The question about trust is a good one. I do definitely distrust myself and trust others. One reason I get stuck in this loop is that my first partner is the only secure person I've ever dated for a long period of time. The asperger's definitely complicated that though, and made him seem more avoidant than secure in many ways.
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Post by anne12 on Jun 30, 2020 1:07:14 GMT
iz42 Having a parent with NPD Having a partner with asperger The thing that happend (almost happend)in the hotel room Your two almost accidents Ect. Makes me think that you might have some desorganised attatchment style/chok trauma also Having an asperger partner can make you feel very lonely because of their mindblindness ect. (Some people can actually get damaged by staying with an asperger) It's called ongoing tramatic relationship distress syndrome as far as I can remember. www.faaas.org/otrscp.htmlNot feeling seen, heard and understood and not beeing met by your partner when you are in distress, can make you feel very lonely in your relationship. Ocarina had an asperger partner. It's been discussed in some of her threads or posts as far as I can remember. Highly stressed and burned out doesn't sound healthy. Sounds like you are in survival mode. Be aware of adrenal fatique.
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Post by iz42 on Jun 30, 2020 1:40:41 GMT
That's very helpful anne12. Thank you so much! I have struggled with health issues and chronic fatigue... at this point I do take better care of myself but it's challenging. I think I'm going to look for a SE therapist or trauma therapist and try to find a way to pay for it. I appreciate your comments. |
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