Post by lonewolf on Jun 28, 2020 16:20:21 GMT
I wanted to share a personal anecdote/"case study" for reflection among the Anxious Preoccupied. Please leave your thoughts on the situation and/or takeaways or describe similar situations you found yourself in:
During quarantine rekindled an old friendship. For reference I am female and he is male. We would talk over video chat and sometimes complained about personal relationships. I began to suspect that my friend is Anxious Preoccupied and had him take this test.
My friend scored very high on the test (I am Fearful Avoidant but one point in both directions would bring me to secure, I therefore try to consciously behave in a secure way) so I suggested this website and the book "Attached" to learn more.
He responded defensively and seemed to use the conversation and introduction of new material as a way to act out. He began by making comments that attachment theory is not valid but, quite ironically, it came up in his psychology class that same week. He asks to chat now in a bossy way that implies I am going to say no and has accused me of being dismissive. There is an air of neediness and entitlement that gets worse.
Takeaways:
- In general, I think APs are the most likely of all the insecure types to try and learn about themselves, self-reflect, and heal. This is a good thing! APs must strike a balance between their negative tendency to blame everything on themselves and receiving new info that can support them to learn better techniques.
- APs have a tendency to accept any form of relationship even if it isn't what they want and this turns people off. My friend and I have been great friends but occasionally when talking about girl troubles, he seemed to look around the room, realize he's talking to a girl (me), and start flirting with me. Don't do this.
- Because of his neediness I began acting in more Dismissive Avoidant ways. As FA I have qualities of both and I know most APs choose DAs for relationships. It gave me more insight into DA behavior as I found myself responding in that way. Unfortunately it confirmed DAs conflict-avoidant mindset. I would pick up my phone, see the message from him that I perceive as needy/entitled, and hide it. Then I would completely forget about it as though it were erased from my brain. This is really unlike me as I am usually polite.
- It can be really difficult to communicate with an AP person. I understand why DAs, who tend to have low emotional awareness, don't even try. As someone who has been in the anxious position as well, I understand how hurtful it feels when the DA refuses to communicate. Let me try to explain what was going through my mind in this position:
"He is trying to get ahold with me again? Doesn't he understand that I am busy? Well, I'll just check in this time. I don't want him to think I am blowing him off. Wow, what a needy message! He needs to stop putting all of this emotional responsibility on me. It isn't my fault he feels nervous. Why doesn't he get a hobby or meet some new friends? I don't have time to hang out this much. If he had something else to occupy him, he wouldn't act like this. I've already tried in a roundabout way by introducing him to some of the things I do for fun. I want to tell him what I REALLY think about this "strategy" to make me feel guilty into hanging with him. Yeah ... but, if I tell him how I really feel, I will damage the friendship irreparably. I don't want to hurt this person. He's so fragile, he won't be able to take me blowing up on him either. Ok, I know what I'll do, I'll just not write back, or I'll give a one word answer, that will be enough ... "
I believe the issue with all of us insecure types really is communication. APs are the most likely to seek communication and improvement, but may not be aware of how their spiraling behaviors cut off the broader communication. I think APs can help themselves by differentiating between the need for communication (which they are good at) and reassurance (a negative.) How would a secure type act in either role in the situation above?
